Monday, August 11, 2008

The Day of the Stupid Pun

My posting will be a little erratic for the next few days (how will you know, you ask, ha-ha). This morning I have a lot to do before leaving for work, and early tomorrow morning I'll be flying out to Colorado Springs for a conference. I'll be back home Thursday evening. So I'll be posting from on-the-road, and hopefully my elderly, creaking laptop will cooperate.

For this morning, inspired by Mike's litany (in post 503) of the "jobs" he's held, here is a compilation of some of the most horrible groaner puns and dumb jokes I've heard in a while. Enjoy...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

(The next few are samples of the 'A ___ walked into a bar, and ...' school of humor)...

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' The doctor says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?', the man asks. The doctor replies, well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you, ' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. (My favorite!) DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so hard I pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and resulted in bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Have a good day. Tomorrow's post will be up later in the day, because I'm flying out so early in the morning...more thoughts once I'm settled at the hotel.

Bilbo

13 comments:

zero_zero_one said...

Number 17 was one of the worst puns I've ever read - and then I read number 19! :D

Thanks for putting a smile on my face at the start of the day :)

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Oye..but number 4 isn't quite right. Still bad puns are always amusing even if they make you groan :)

Happy Monday!

KKTSews said...

I think 19's the best!
GROAN.

Gilahi said...

In ancient Egypt a man was out in his garden one day and came across the most perfect berry he'd ever seen. He presented it to his wife as a token of his love. Word soon spread about the phenomenal berry and every day people would line up to see it. When word got to Cleopatra, she became insanely jealous, thinking that only the queen should have such an amazing fruit. She sent soldiers who arrived at the home late in the evening. The woman told the soldiers that it was too late, she was tired, and they'd have to come back tomorrow in order to see the berry. The captain of guard said, "You don't understand. We come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

Amanda said...

I laughed at ALL of them! Have a safe trip.

Mike said...

Between the two of us we probably injured some people today ... as they pounded their heads on their desks.

Bandit said...

Mike just sent your link to me.

Don't forget about the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic who stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a dog.

Rodney Dangerfield went to the doctor who told him he was too fat. Rodney asked for a second opinion. The doctor replied, " ok, you're ugly too.

lacochran's evil twin said...

GROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN.

Bilbo said...

Ah, the groans are music to my ears! And I haven't even scratched the surface of all the terrible puns I know...

Mike - I wondered what that thudding sound was I kept hearing in the distance all day...

Gilahi - that's a new one...I can't wait for an opportunity to use it!

Bandit - you missed part: the story is about an insomniac, dyslexic, apathetic agnostic who stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a dog, but really didn't care in the end. Welcome to the blog, and thanks for the comment!

Everybody else - thanks! There are lots more out there...

Mike said...

Not only did I send your link to Bandit, but I combined your list and mine and emailed it to someone that doesn't look at blogs very often. So, in the future, if you get a list of 35 puns that look familure, here's where it all started.

rima fauzi said...

I LOVE ALL OF THEM! But 16 to 20 were my favorites!

here is one I found and liked:

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

therry said...

LOL

Funny postings, Bilbo. I like them all :D

Team Gherkin said...

Thanks so much for the smiles! :D

Cyalayta
Mal :)