Thursday, April 15, 2010

Job Opening

Jobs are scarce in a lot of places nowadays, but there's one job that's always available. Not everyone qualifies, and not everyone can do it well...but for those who can handle it, it's the best job in the world.

Courtesy of my friend Bob, here's the position description for the ultimate job...


Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Papa, Pop

Long-term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills an be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far-away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Job offers lifetime tenure. Applicant must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must be willing to assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

None required (although it would be helpful). On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Apply now with someone you love.

To all you parents out there...good luck. If you're a parent already, you know this is pretty accurate. If you're not yet a parent, someday you'll understand the understatement.

Have a good day. Be a good parent...someday, someone will thank you.

More thoughts tomorrow.


P.S. - today is tax day. If you haven't yet rendered Caesar's portion unto him, you have only a few hours left.



Amanda said...

Oh yes.....

This is an apt post today. Long day involving all that you've mentioned...

When I get to where you are on the parent journey, will I miss days like this?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

That's one job I won't be applying for. I have an allergy to children.

Mike said...

The first level of the job is over. Level two has not started yet.

Wv: hangcw - I don't know who cw is but let's just do it.

Bilbo said...

Amanda - you won't necessarily miss those days, but you'll at least see the results!

Andrea - me, too...sometimes.

Mike - yep. Wonder what Amanda will look like with gray hair...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

No experience necessary!