Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Airport Screening Statistics

There has been a great deal of debate about the efficacy of the airport passenger screenings conducted by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA, in DC shorthand). The dedicated professionals of the TSA perform a vital function in helping to protect us from those who would imperil us with their explosive shoes or underwear, and in ensuring that - no matter how early you go to the airport to meet your flight - you have the maximum opportunity to miss your connection because of long lines and endless delays at the screening stations.  The TSA is not, of course, the only security agency displaying enviable skills at shooting itself in the public relations foot - it was the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey that actually shut down the Newark airport, grounded all flights, and re-screened everyone in Terminal C because of a baby that evaded screening.

The baby, suspected to be a terrorist because it was wearing a butt turban, was never found.

Yes, security screening - whether by the TSA or by other overly enthusiastic security agencies - is an unfortunate by-product of the sad times in which we live. It does serve a useful purpose, though ... consider these statistics released by the Department of Homeland Security which document the results* of security screenings over the past year:

Terrorists Discovered (not counting babies) - 0
Transvestites - 133
Hernias - 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases - 3,172
Enlarged Prostates - 8,249**
Breast Implants - 59,350***
Natural Blondes - 3

So ...

The next time you are stuck in screening hell while trying to get to your flight, just remember that the dedicated men and women of the TSA and other security organs are doing a vital and thankless job. Inconveniencing you is just a bonus.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


* Statistics do not include confirmation that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

** Under a new GOP health care reform proposal, money will be saved by mandating administration of prostate and breast exams during airport screenings.

*** Studies show that the potential destructive power of explosive underwear is directly related to cup size.

P.S. - Thanks to my brother Mark for giving me the idea for this post.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

The baby is on the lamb!! Like so many commenters on the do you know you didn't screen the baby if you can't find a baby!

Amanda said...

I've been pulled for extra screening several times when I thought I'd get away because I had a baby with me.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I never thought of the relationship between cup size (either type) and explosive potential; but it might increase the likelihood of our intrepid TSA personnel in doing their duties to the max!

I try not to call attention to myself during screening. It works.

Mike said...

'535 members of Congress had no balls'

Some, unlike blonds, are natural no ballers. Most others have their balls held in jars on CEOs' desks.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I am one of few that aren't bothered by all the screening at the airport. Now tomorrow I am taking the train to NYC.
Now there is absolutely no screening on a train at all.
Why is that?
Just wondering...or maybe I just have a need to be groped. :-)

Duckbutt said...

The only place I experienced really slow screening was LAX. But it's like a madhouse there.

Banana Oil said...

I got the one about natural blondes.