Friday, May 18, 2012

Understanding Religious Beliefs in Terms of Toys

It appears that religion - particularly "Christianity," however one chooses to define it - is becoming a major element in modern American political discourse (such as it is). This being the case, I believe it would be useful as a public service to offer this handy guide which will help you sort out the essential beliefs of various religions in terms of toys. This approach has the dual benefit of simplifying a complex issue, and appealing to religious bigots who act like spoiled children anyhow. Here you go ...

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hare Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Islam (General) - You must play with your toys five times per day.

Sunni Islam - Shi'ites play with the wrong toys.

Shi'a Islam - The twelfth toy is missing, but it will return someday.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether there are toy makers or not.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys. 

Scientologist - You must be silent while receiving new toys.

Evangelical - You must proclaim your toys loudly.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

Bahai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are sinful.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy must spend time as a missionary, encouraging others to buy toys.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism - Screw the rule book! Let’s play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah’s Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

I hope this helps. If you have other suggestions, leave them as a comment.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. I'll be here.



Amanda said...

LOL! I never thought of it that way :). I thought Atheism was really funny, then I got to Scientology and then it just got more and more funny.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

That's neat! Much more inclusive than other interpretations of the differences among religions.

allenwoodhaven said...

Let me give it a try:

Socialism - The government buys toys for everyone whether there's enough money or not but you can buy more of your own if you want.

Dictatorship - The glorious leader owns all the toys. You might be able to play with them but, if you do it incorrectly or have too much fun, you'll end up in the prison that makes the toys.

How'd I do?

The Bastard King of England said...

Those were very enjoyable!

Banana Oil said...

Lutheranism -- We should be satisfied with our toys and be glad we're not Baptists.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

You are on target with the Baptists and the C of C.

Mike said...

I think I'm a non-denominational agnostic evolutionist.