Bilbo's Random Thought Collection

Cartoon Saturday

2012-01-28T06:24:00.004-05:00

Cheer up! It's almost February ... time for a heaping dish of Cartoon Saturday!

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta announced a series of major cuts to the defense budget this week, including a plan to downsize the Pentagon and rename it the Trapezoid; actress Demi Moore was taken to a Los Angeles hospital after a friend called 911 and said Moore was "convulsing" and "burning up" after "smoking something"; a collector of cars in Colorado (alliterative!!) has purchased the hearse in which President John F. Kennedy's body was carried for $176,000 (leading one to ask whether, if his wife also buys such a vehicle, the license plates would read "His" and "Hearse"); inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Agency are preparing for a new visit to Iran, where they will investigate reports that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, not known for being very bright, actually glows in the dark; and the remaining GOP presidential wannabees continued to batter each other savagely as they moved their accusatory roadshow from South Carolina to Florida.

Cheer up ... one way or another, in less than ten months, the campaign will all be just a bad - and very expensive - memory.

For now, on with the cartoons!

Let's lead off with the terrible cartoon pun of the week, dedicated to Fiona ...

I've been to parties like this one ...

High-tech moves to the animal kingdom ...

And ...

The Winter 2012 DC Restaurant Week is over, and I enjoyed two nice lunches with Agnes and one with my daughter ... and got a chance to see how wait staffs really operate ...

Agnes bought me a copy of the movie "Cowboys and Aliens" for Christmas, and it was a real hoot ... but modern-day cowboys are dealing with some high-tech dangers as well ...

Which brings up the issue of how much high-tech wizardry has changed the things we've come to know and love over the years ...

And ...

Agnes is getting ready for her trip back to Germany next month to visit her parents, giving us a chance to experience yet again the joys of dealing with the airlines ...

And finally, as the country lurches from crisis to crisis, it's always good to know that we have thoughtful and dedicated public servants in Congress to guide the ship of state through these difficult times ...

And so another week swirls down the drain of history. Sit back, take off your shoes, and relax for a while ... you've earned it. There are still a lot of weeks to survive before the election, but your ol' uncle Bilbo will be here to help you get through them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Sign(ature) of the Times

2012-01-27T04:41:00.005-05:00

We're going to take a day off from our tour of the Constitution because I've been distracted by another intellectual shiny object - the disappearance of the signature.

I stumbled on this fascinating article in The Atlantic magazine yesterday: "Signing Off: The Slow Death of the Signature in a PIN-Code World." The bottom line of the article is that something that used to be one of the defining elements of our identity - our signature - is going the way of the dodo, the Edsel, and a useful and functioning Congress.

There was a time not so long ago when signing your name on the proverbial dotted line was a big deal. It meant that you had committed yourself to something, agreed with a position, took on a debt, acknowledged receipt of an item. The ink you put on paper was a visible and indelible (well, pretty much) symbol of your honor and commitment.

It's different now.

Today, when the UPS or FedEx guy shows up at the door and needs a signature, he hands you an electronic pad, on which you make a few odd marks with a stylus. When you use your credit card in most stores, you "sign" an electronic capture window ... and your "signature" usually looks absolutely nothing at all like your real signature. In many cases, you don't even need an electronic signature - you "sign" by entering a PIN (personal identification number) that transfers your digital credentials to the correct spot on a computer-generated form.

Somehow, I just don't think this is right. Call me a luddite, but I think there's something vital and important about a real, as opposed to a digital signature. Would the Declaration of Independence have been as impressive and meaningful without the bold statement made by John Hancock?

Indeed, even today we speak of "putting your John Hancock" on a document. "Putting my PIN on the line" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I have other problems with the spread of digital signing technology, too. I have a problem with the fact that my signature has been digitally captured (if poorly) and stored in zillions of different places. The possibility exists that someone could steal that digital copy and use it to sign other things in my name. Not everyone agrees with me, though. Consider this excerpt from the Atlantic article:

"Fraud rates on credit or debit cards that are signature-based are much higher than on cards with PIN protection," notes Chris Hawkins in his book A History of Signatures: From Cave Paintings to Robo-Signings. In 2005, a consulting firm found that signature-based debit card fraud rates were 15 times higher than PIN-based fraud rates.

You'll pardon me if I don't find that comforting.

Electronic signatures may be the way of the future, but I still prefer my beloved dipping pens ...

and the beautiful turned-wood pen and pencil set Agnes made for me a few years ago ...

To me, ink on paper is just more ... real. And in a time when things that are real are few and far between, that's a comforting thing.

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The State of the Union

2012-01-26T04:50:00.003-05:00

One of the annual high points of political theater here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac is the President's State of the Union address (the SOTU, delivered by the POTUS, as insiders call it) to a joint session of Congress.

As I discussed in my post on Article II of the Constitution, which enumerates the powers of the Executive Branch of the government, the Constitution really doesn't give the President the authority to do much of anything without the "advice and consent" of Congress. One of the few actually enumerated duties of the President is this one, spelled out in Section 3 of Article II:

"He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient..."

For many years, the President communicated this information to Congress in writing. Indeed, Thomas Jefferson didn't want to appear before Congress in person because he believed it was too much like the British king's addresses to opening sessions of Parliament in which he (the king) delivered instructions and mandates, rather than providing information and seeking support for his measures. It's only in the fairly recent era that presidents have appeared in person to deliver a live address (not like they'd deliver dead ones). You can read a brief history of the State of the Union address here, and read every single State of the Union address ever presented here.

State of the Union speeches tend to be more political theater than informative discourse. In an era of non-stop, 24/7 news delivery, leaks of information to the press (either deliberately by the administration or maliciously by various insiders), and an unbridled and raucous free press, there's no element of surprise ... no news, as it were ... in a SOTU. The draft of the SOTU is circulated widely throughout the government for review and comment weeks ahead of time, and so - by the time the President stands at the rostrum to start talking - everyone already knows what he is going to say, and whether they'll jump up and applaud wildly at the right places (this year, like the Democrats) or sit on their hands and glower angrily (this year, like the Republicans). Indeed, well before President Obama delivered his SOTU this past Tuesday, House Speaker John Boehner had already described it as "pathetic."

Has the SOTU outlived its usefulness in the all-information-all-the-time era? I believe it has, at least as we've grown used to it. All it does is give Presidents a chance to look presidential, opposition parties to growl out their "response" to the president's message with bile and false sincerity, and piss off television audiences who see their favorite shows displaced. I think that regular communication between the President and the Congress, perhaps in the form of something like a written monthly or quarterly activity report, would accomplish more and reduce the level of useless theatricality.

It won't happen, though, because there's too much opportunity for all that political theater. Presidents love to be on television, Congress loves the opportunity to mug for the cameras, and we've all come to expect the annual ritual.

But I still like my idea better.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Articles VII and VIII

2012-01-25T04:41:00.003-05:00

Before we get started on our discussion of the Seventh and Eighth Amendments to the Constitution, we should note a recent US district court decision that has great interest to our discussion of the Fourth (no unreasonable searches) and Fifth (no self-incrimination) Amendments.

In his decision in the case of US v. Fricosu (Criminal Case No. 10-cr-00509-REB-02), a Colorado District Court judge ordered defendant Ramona Fricosu to provide the government an unencrypted copy of the hard drive of her laptop computer as part of an investigation of a financial fraud case. The case, summarized in this article, is interesting because it concerns several of the rights we've been talking about over the past few days. Take a few minutes to read the article and the decision (particularly part 2, "Conclusions of Law," beginning on page 5), and we'll come back and revisit the story in a few days.

Today, we look at the Seventh and Eighth Amendments:

Amendment VII: In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

and,

Amendment VIII: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

The Seventh Amendment amplifies the Sixth, guaranteeing the right to a jury trial in ordinary lawsuits involving sums above $20 - which isn't much now, but was quite a respectable sum in the Founders' day. It also provides some basic insurance against nuisance lawsuits being filed repeatedly, other than in accordance with prevailing law.

The Eighth Amendment is more interesting, and is much in the news lately. The issues often raised in conjunction with this amendment are usually based on its use of modifiers: how much bail or how large a fine is excessive? And, more important, what makes a punishment cruel and unusual (as opposed to kind and usual)?

When the Founders wrote the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, they'd had recent experience of a government that was able arbitrarily to impose cruel punishments of various kinds ... the sorts of things we today, in a more enlightened era, would consider under the general heading of torture. They wanted to ensure that the rights of the citizens of the United States to be free of such punishments (but not from legitimate, legally-imposed punishment per se) was maintained.

Today, of course, we have a more liberal view of what constitutes cruel and unusual in the imposition of punishments. Is waterboarding considered torture and, therefore, cruel and unusual? How about solitary confinement? Is it considered cruel and unusual to fail to provide a prisoner with meals consistent with the requirements of his (or her) religious faith?

Is the death penalty cruel and unusual? It wasn't in the Founders' time, unless it was applied in a particularly cruel method (such as the practice of drawing and quartering). According to many people today, though, it is ... no matter how it's applied.

So ...

The Seventh and Eighth Amendments, particularly the Eighth, provide key rights that we as citizens enjoy and need to understand and protect. Read them, think about them, and remember that there are those out there who would restrict them in the interest of an imagined greater good.

Don't let them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Article VI

2012-01-24T04:43:00.005-05:00

Before we start today's discussion of the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution, I should note yesterday's announcement of a landmark and (from my somewhat cynically jaded perspective) wholly unexpected Supreme Court decision in the case of United States v Jones (docket number 10-1259). In a unanimous verdict, the Court decided that law enforcement authorities need a search warrant in order to plant a GPS tracker on a suspect in order to follow him around the clock.

Coming from a profoundly conservative court which has come up with howlers like Citizens United v Federal Election Commission and Kelo v City of New London (both of which we've discussed before), this is an amazing decision which strikes a decisive blow for your rights under the Fourth Amendment (which we discussed last week in this post). While I suspect that my friends in the law enforcement community (of which I have many, and with whom I sympathize) will view this as a disaster, I think it was a righteous decision that could not have been rendered in any other way. The Founders never foresaw the power of GPS in an era when cutting-edge navigation technology was the sextant, but I'm sure they'd have had the same concerns most of us had about its use as a means of government control of citizens.

But we're here today to talk about the Sixth Amendment, which reads:

"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence."

This is a very important right that we don't usually think about unless we find ourselves accused of a crime. It ensures that we have the right to a trial by a jury of our peers ...

and to be informed of the charges against us (you may recall Franz Kafka's classic novel The Trial, in which the unfortunate Josef K stands accused of a crime, but has no idea what that crime is, what the evidence against him is, who has accused him, or pretty much anything else about the allegations ... there wasn't a Sixth Amendment in Kafka's time).

The Sixth Amendment gives you the right to call witnesses in your own defense, to face your accusers, and to be represented by counsel for your defense.

Like many of our other rights, those guaranteed by the Sixth Amendment are periodically put into jeopardy.

In the time of the so-called "war on terror," we are told that many cases cannot be prosecuted in open court because of the "classified" nature of the evidence, or that prosecution witnesses cannot be produced because it would threaten their usefulness as sources of intelligence about other crimes. The famous Miranda Decision of 1966, which we all know from generations of warnings recited to miscreants on television police dramas, contains the guarantee that a lawyer will be provided for an accused person if he (or she) can't afford one. Of course, the court-appointed lawyer probably won't be from the sort of top-flight multi-partner legal firm that major corporations and the wealthy can afford, but it's something.

And that part about a "speedy" trial? Well, as we know, trials can drag on for years as both sides roll out reinforced divisions of lawyers and specialized witnesses, file endless motions for this or that, and generally try to keep the case going until the participants forget the original issue or die of old age. Charles Dickens knew what he was writing about when he wrote the story of the Jarndyce vs Jarndyce case in his great novel, Bleak House.

The Sixth Amendment is your friend when you're in trouble. While the other Amendments of the Bill of Rights deal generally with your rights as a law-abiding citizen, the Sixth protects you when you have been accused of a crime. You may never actually need your Sixth Amendment rights, but if you do ... you'll be glad they're there. They may be frustrating to the law enforcement community, and provide endless opportunities for lucrative reimbursement for legal professionals, but they're vital for your protection and a wonderfully far-sighted gift from the Founders.

Have a good day. Remember to invoke the right Miranda ...

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Article V

2012-01-23T05:47:00.003-05:00

It's one of those mornings here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac that makes winter interesting ... the Federal Government (the largest employer in the region) has decreed that, because of freezing rain and resultant ice in locations around the National Capital Region, late reporting (up to 11:00 AM) for work is authorized. By afternoon, the temperature will have risen to near 50, and all that ice will have turned back into dirty water. Winter just ain't fun any more.

Nessa gave me a break and wrote yesterday's post (in the process, getting more comments than I get on my own posts), but now it's time to get back to normal and return to our discussion of the Bill of Rights - we've made our way through Amendments I through IV, so today we'll move on to a look at the Fifth Amendment:

"No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation."

Although this may be what grammatical purists would call a run-on sentence, it nevertheless embodies in its run-on-ness several of the freedoms and rights upon which we Americans have come to rely. If most of us know anything about the Fifth Amendment, it probably comes from movies and TV shows that depict a suspect "taking the fifth" or saying something like "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me." There's more to it than just that, though, if we look at everything it enumerates:

- No prosecution without a properly-presented indictment before a grand jury (except in the case of military personnel accused of crimes in time of war);

- No prosecution twice for the same offense ("double jeopardy");

- No enforced self-incrimination (why you can "take the fifth");

- No forfeiture of property without due process; and,

- Limits on the government's power of eminent domain (the seizure of private property for public use).

All of these rights have been limited to some degree over the years, and some are in particular danger today, particularly the power of protection against the power of eminent domain. The Supreme Court decision in the case of Kelo v City of New London (docket #04-108) interpreted the Fifth Amendment to allow the government to seize private property on behalf of a real estate developer, on the theory that the public benefits economically when a developer can replace private property with a commercial development that will, in theory, generate positive economic benefit. The government's power to seize personal assets is also growing, particularly as part of the war on drugs in which the authorities impound homes, cars, aircraft, and other assets of convicted drug dealers.

The Fifth Amendment isn't one of the articles of the Bill of Rights we think about very often, but it's very important, particularly when read in conjunction with the Sixth Amendment, which we'll discuss tomorrow. For now, though, I need to get ready to face the hibernal music and make my slippery way to work.

Have a good day. Know your rights, but also your responsibilities. Both are more important than ever as we draw farther and farther away in time from the world in which the Founders wrote the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Guest Post

2012-01-22T05:43:00.005-05:00

Hi everybody! It's me again ... you know ... Nessa. I'm the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes. Bilbo is busy getting ready to go and visit his grandchildren later this morning, so I thought I'd give him a break and do today's post for him. I guess that makes me a service dog, huh?

Anyhow, I was surfing the net while Bilbo and Agnes were out yesterday and found this:

Oh, you don't know the half of it!

Bilbo is the one who usually takes me for walks, and he talks up a blue streak the whole way. I think he likes to use me as a sounding board for his ideas and frustrations. I know who he likes and who he doesn't. I know the names of everyone on the list of people he calls "bottled-in-bond, aged-in-wood, gold-plated, certified, documented, first-class, card-carrying, USDA-approved ass clowns" (sometimes he refers to some of them collectively as "Congress," but there are a lot of others on the list, too). I know the plots of the stories he'd like to write and the things he wants to write about in his blog. I know his complaints about the bus he rides to and from work (most of the drivers seem to be ass clowns who can't keep to the schedule, don't know the route, and sometimes leave him standing at the curb as they drive by, especially if it's cold and raining or snowing). I know all the cute things his grandchildren do (which is important because I don't get to see them very often). He wants my opinion of the things he'd like to buy for Agnes for special occasions, and asks me to remind him of things he has to remember.

There's lots of other stuff he tells me, too, but I'm Bilbo's dog through and through, and there are some things that just have to remain between us. I'm not one of those lick-and-tell dogs. A Jack Russell terrier would probably tell you everything he ever said ... but he'd shout it all out so fast you'd never understand it all, anyway.

We dogs have a lot of important jobs. We protect our families, play with their children, provide unconditional love, and generally help get them through what can be a tough life. And we don't ask for much ... keep the supper dish and the water bowl full, throw the frisbee or tennis ball a few times, take us for walks, and we're happy.

And you can talk to us any time. You can talk to one of those psychiatrist people, too, but they want a lot of money for what we give you for free. And we can lay on the couch with you and nobody will think you're weird.

So go ahead and talk to us. We're ready to listen.

And your secrets are safe with us.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more thoughts.

Woof!

Nessa

Cartoon Saturday

2012-01-21T06:42:00.005-05:00

Off to the races ...

Legislative attempts to protect the interests of copyright holders from internet piracy have been placed on hold after massive protests against the proposed Stop Online Piracy Act, or SOPA, and the Protect IP Act, or PIPA ... leaving a real problem unresolved; an Ohio father has been arrested on charges of tying up his daughter with duct tape and locking her in a cage, after which his son posted pictures on Facebook; Republican presidential wannabe and professional windbag Newt Gingrich is blaming the media for asking about his personal moral and ethical shortcomings, which obviously have no place in presidential politics; Iranian movie star Golshifteh Farahani is at the center of a storm of controversy in Iran for the horrifying crime of baring her breasts in a photo shoot for a French magazine; and in California, police have identified as 66-year old man as the victim whose body parts were found strewn on a hillside below the famous "HOLLYWOOD" sign.

Embrace the weirdness.

I guess inventors have always had their problems turning good ideas into practical products ...

... which is why it's usually not a good idea to buy a new product right after its initial release ...

Truth in political advertising ... the ultimate oxymoron ...

I wonder if this app also works for those $#&@! political robocalls we'll be buried in more and more in the coming months ...

I've had one of these weeks, too. And it looks like the coming week isn't going to be much of an improvement ...

I got this cartoon from one of my friends who had posted it on his Facebook page. I think it's more brilliantly perceptive than actually funny ...

The American electorate speaks ...

Tired of listening to me bitterly complain enough about the Supreme Court decision in the Citizens United case that sold your government to those with the deepest pockets? I'm not the only one worried ...

Which one do you suppose is the more environmentally sound option? ...

And finally for this week, Agnes is getting ready to go back to Germany next month to visit her parents for a few weeks, which has given us the opportunity once again to enjoy the sheer delight of dealing with airline ticket pricing and the cascading number of new fees for just about everything but the air you breathe (and that's probably coming soon) ...

Looking out my study window, it seems that we had about a half-inch or so of snow overnight, which is supposed to change to sleet and freezing rain this morning ... just another wonderful winter's day here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac. I think it's shaping up to be a good day to stay inside in front of the fire, watch movies, and catch up on reading.

These nasty winter days are good for something, after all!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Bill of Rights: Articles III and IV

2012-01-20T04:42:00.003-05:00

You may have thought, based on recent discussions of more interesting things like the G-Spot, that I've forgotten about our tour through the Constitution. But you'd be wrong. It's just that my brain works in a somewhat unguided manner, and I'm easily drawn off on tangents.

But let's get back to the Constitution; specifically, to our discussion of The Bill of Rights. We discussed the First and Second Amendments already, so today we'll move on to the Third and Fourth.

The Third Amendment is pretty straightforward, and isn't of much import today. It reads as follows:

"No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."

At the time of the Revolutionary War, the Americans were pretty upset by the King's insistence that the people house and feed his soldiers, and they wanted to be sure that their new government didn't do the same thing. Today, we don't worry much about the government wanting us to serve as a Holiday Inn for the 82nd Airborne ... we worry a great deal more about the sort of rights spelled out in the Fourth Amendment:

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Americans of the Founders' era had suffered the experience of the King's soldiers breaking into and searching their homes on questionable authority, and they weren't about to allow the new government they were devising to have such power. Thus, the Fourth Amendment found pride of place in the Bill of Rights, being one of the most invoked set of freedoms (along with the First and the Holy Second amendments). It's often cited as a right to privacy, although that isn't quite what it says.

Today, there is probably no set of rights enumerated under the Constitution that is more endangered than those guaranteed by the Fourth Amendment. When the Founders wrote this amendment, the cutting edge of surveillance technology was the spyglass, and a search warrant was the battering ram the King's agents could use to break down your door in search of whatever they hoped to find. The Founders drafting our basic rights in 1787 could never have foreseen electronic surveillance technology, GPS tracking, the tapping of telephones (or, in fact, telephones themselves), or computers and the ability of evil persons (not only the government) to hack into those computers and steal our personal information. A man's home may be his castle, but nowadays there are a lot of people who know how to lower the drawbridge and invite themselves in.

The Supreme Court is wading its way through the issue of the constitutionality of GPS tracking, and may impose limits on the ability of law enforcement to track you and I 24 hours per day using this technology. But this is the same Supreme Court that, through its incredible decision in Citizens United v Federal Election Commission, has allowed Super PACs to purchase our government as if it were a package on a Wal-Mart shelf. If I were you, I'd worry about those Fourth Amendment rights. It's too bad we don't have an all-rights/no-responsibilities organization like the NRA to protect them.

Insist on all your rights guaranteed by the Constitution ... and remember that they are guaranteed to the people whose political opinions and lifestyle you don't like, too.

We'll get funny again tomorrow with Cartoon Saturday, and move on to the rest of the Bill of Rights next week. Be here.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

G Whiz

2012-01-19T04:38:00.003-05:00

Today's post is brought to you - in true Sesame Street fashion - by the letter G.

Following up on the success of my post on The Degree of Gasp, which began with this reference to the gradual disappearance of the g-string (not that there's a great deal to disappear), I call your attention to yet another reference to the hard-working letter G: this interesting article on the unsuccessful 60-year effort to identify and precisely locate the G-Spot.

The so-called G-Spot is named for German gynecologist Dr Ernst Graefenberg, who postulated its existence in 1950 during his study of stimulation of the urethra (don't ask). The G-Spot was said to be a particularly sensitive 1- to 2-centimeter spot on the wall of the vagina which, when properly stimulated, could provide ... um ... intense pleasure to the happy lady so stimulated. His curiosity about the existence of the spot which now bears his name may have been piqued by references to such an anatomical location in the 11th-century Indian Kamasastra and Jayamangala texts.

The G-Spot was popularized in a 1982 book titled The G-Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry. The book became a New York Times best-seller in 1982, proving that people will read just about anything related to sex.

Now, unfortunately, it seems that 60 years of dedicated (and, no doubt, exciting) study using scans, surveys, and biopsies and a thorough review of 96 published studies (!) have failed to scientifically document the existence of the G-Spot. Dr. Amichai Kilchevsky, a urology resident at Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut and lead author of the review, stated in an article published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, "Without a doubt, a discreet anatomic entity called the G-spot does not exist." He conceded, however, that the work is not "1,000 percent conclusive," and that other scientists could one day find something his team missed ... although this would require "new technology" (concerning which I will decline to speculate).

I will never look at the letter G in the same way again.

Attempting to claw my way back up to higher intellectual ground, I note that my friend and co-worker Brenda yesterday introduced me to this very interesting blog: The Inky Fool, dedicated to "words, phrases, grammar, rhetoric, and prose." In the blog, I found an exposition on the word bellibone, defined as "A woman excelling in both beauty and goodness. A word now out of use."

One hopes that it is merely the wonderfully mellifluous word bellibone that is out of use, and not the existence of women excelling in both beauty and goodness.

Well, Gee, it's time to get ready to go to work. I must get dressed, take Nessa for a walk, and kiss my bellibone good-bye as she sleeps.

Have a good day. More thoughts, hopefully less prurient, tomorrow.

Bilbo

I'm Finished, You Can Swipe the Page Now

2012-01-18T04:37:00.003-05:00

You know, Dear Readers (and are probably tired of hearing about it) that I'm a reading purist - although I own an iPad that has three different e-reading programs on it (Kindle, iBooks, and Overdrive), I much prefer the heft, feel, and - yes - smell of a real ink-on-paper book. Reading a book on a digital reader is convenient, especially while traveling or commuting, but it just doesn't give you the same sensory experience of a real book.

That said, e-readers and digital books are here to stay. But what about their availability and overall utility?

You may be interested in this article from last Saturday's Washington Post: As Demand for E-Books Soars, Libraries Struggle to Stock Their Virtual Shelves. It's an interesting article that confirms what I had already long suspected: that it can be extraordinarily difficult to check out a digital book from your local library, and the wait can be as long or longer than the wait for the same title in traditional ink-on-paper.

The publishers of books are facing the same threats in the digital world that the music and film industries have faced over the last decade, and are trying to avoid the mistakes made by those industries by coming up with a technology and business plan that will protect the financial interests of authors and publishers while still making books available to readers. This is not a simple task.

Some publishers (like Simon and Schuster) are refusing to make their titles available to libraries in digital format, or are severely limiting the number of copies of digital titles they will provide to a single library, because they're afraid of piracy. I know from personal experience that the wait for a digital title from my local library is generally a good deal longer than the wait for a real book. And that's not to mention the problem (from a reader's perspective) that there are several contending (and incompatible) digital formats designed to protect proprietary interests and foil digital pirates.

You can buy a real book and lend it to your family and friends without restriction ... but not so a digital book. Although there are some very limited exceptions, if you want to lend an e-book to a friend, you have to give them your entire reader. And you need a degree in electrical engineering to configure and authorize your computer and reading device to enable download of a title for which you've paid (or which you've properly downloaded from your library). Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the difficulty of obtaining a legal digital download of a movie for which you've paid ... if you're interested in the details of my digital nightmare, I'll e-mail them to you.

Oy, vay.

I understand the importance of protecting the right of an author (or musician, or actor/director) to make a living from his or her talent. But we need to remember the poor reader, too: if digital reading gets to be too onerous a task, fewer people will do it ... and we have a woefully underinformed population already, anyway.

At the moment, I am reading four books: three traditional (Inferno, by Max Hastings, which Agnes gave me for Christmas; Iago, by David Snodin, and Supervolcano: Eruption, by Harry Turtledove, both borrowed from my local library), and one e-book (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by Seth Grahame-Smith). The e-book is easiest to handle and transport, making it a much better choice for hauling along on my daily commute, but making for a less satisfying reading experience.

Oh, and did I mention that our local Metro transit system is being plagued by a rash of robberies in which personal electronics (smartphones, tablet computers, and game players) are stolen from commuters ... sometimes with injury?

If someone tries to steal my copy of Max Hastings' Inferno, I can hit him with it and do some significant damage. If someone tries to steal my iPad ... well, let's just say I'd be reluctant to smash it over his head.

Digital books are here to stay, and they have their place in my library.

But I don't have to like them.

Have a good day. Read more, either digitally or traditionally.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The PC University School of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

2012-01-17T05:46:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, we studied the organization and some of the course offerings of the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences of the Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID). Because this is a blog dedicated to equal treatment for ass-clownery of both the left and the right, today we look at the equivalent course offerings for STUPID's College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. You've been warned ...

Current Course Catalog
of the
Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID)

Part 2: Course Offerings of the College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences

At STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences, we specialize in higher-order skills that obviate the need for independent and critical thought and provide students with rock-solid, truthful alternatives to the socialist drivel of The Liberal Left. We are especially proud of our admission policies which ensure that every member of the top 1% can achieve a quality, faith-based, truth-centered education unencumbered by irrelevant and annoying facts. All students accepted to STUPID’s College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences based on their ancestors’ financial contributions to The College are guaranteed passing grades and a successful graduation, regardless of their demonstrated level of academic distinction, as long as our modest academic requirements are met. A firm belief in Affirmative Action ensures that the children of millionaire entrepreneurs can compete with those of multi-billionaire CEOs for admission to our programs. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of rote memorization, effective use of volume as a vehicle for prevailing in debate, and the careful selection and parsing of references, and do not require routine class attendance or participation which might negatively impact fraternity/sorority participation or recreational travel.

Funding for STUPID is provided by the taxpayers of the United States through their generous support of bailouts for struggling banks, brokerage firms, and non-competitive industries, which trickles up to the 1% level to ensure a quality conservative education for all who are worthy of it. You will note that not many courses are offered in our degree program in Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences. This is because there is no need for you to think independently or master complex course material: all the knowledge needed by a true Conservative was discovered long ago and is readily available from such trustworthy and clearly-infallible sources as The Rush Limbaugh Show and any program on Fox News.

P116 (C) – The Trickle-Down Theory of Quantum Mechanics.
Course applies fundamental conservative principles to the concepts of matter and energy. Students will gain an understanding of how more highly charged states of matter increase the energy potential of matter existing at lower states. At the conclusion of this course, students will be able to explain with a straight face how undesirable matter can be transformed from lead into gold, using the packaging of subprime mortgages and the minimization of taxes on business and the wealthy as case studies.

P221 (C) – Liberal Bias in Science, Technology, the Arts, and Everything Else.
This is only a one-credit course because the liberal bias in every aspect of society is so blatant that it requires little academic effort to address it. Students may substitute enraged comments posted to online news stories with which the student disagrees for the optional term paper. Extra credit is given for use of proper spelling and punctuation.

P250 (C) - Space Occupation Theory - a Conservative Approach
Examines conservative approaches to the traditional theory that two particles of matter can not occupy the same space at the same time. This course applies conservative theories to conclusively demonstrate that the physical space already owned and occupied by matter cannot be "occupied" by less desirable elements. Students are required to provide their own pepper spray, tasers, plastic flex-cuffs, and subpoenas. Contact the instructor for the location of the class.

P287 (C) – Wind as an Alternative Source of Energy.
Course will examine the harnessing and exploitation of wind as a vehicle for the generation and maintenance of power. Wind will be provided by visiting professors McConnell, Boehner, and Cantor from the Kentucky, Ohio, and Virginia campuses, and by adjunct professor Gingrich of no fixed address.

P326 (C) - Creative Cognitive Dissonance.
Students will learn techniques of applying deeply-held conservative principles to the denial of unpleasant facts. Course material will include new and creative approaches to rationalizing trickle-down economic theory and creatively denying climate change.

If you have deeply-held beliefs matched by a fervent desire to close out opposing opinions, the STUPID College of Ultra-Conservative Arts and Sciences is reaching out to you! Enroll now!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.C. Physics

2012-01-16T07:15:00.005-05:00

I seem to have broken the code on getting large numbers of comments on my blog: I should either discuss applied physics (as in yesterday's discussion of the physics of cartoons), on include an exciting illustration (as in my discussion of The Degree of Gasp). Sadly for my male readers, though, my sense of social responsibility prevents me from putting up more gasp-inducing illustrations - I don't want to be responsible for the potential coronaries of any of my more ... er ... senior readers.

So let's get back to physics, shall we?

It has always struck me as odd that we (or at least, some of the more bizarre of us) can take pure, basic science and either twist it into something religious (creation "science" and "intelligent design", for example) or use it as a cudgel to percussively advance a political or economic agenda (such as politically-charged discussion of climate change). Science can also be tortured into the realm of political correctness, as in Nazi Germany's denigration of "Jewish science" or today's tendency to claim that every significant scientific discovery was made not by some (insert scorn) dead white European, but by a deliberately-unrecognized member of an oppressed ethnic or religious group.

In the interest of both continuing our discussion of applied physics and helping you ensure political correctness of scientific thought, I have once again dug deep into the Blog Fodder file to retrieve (and, of course, update) this set of courses which will help you think properly on the left side of the current sociopolitical divide. We'll do the same for the right side tomorrow ...

Current Course Catalog

of the

Scientific and Technical University for Politically Intelligent Development (STUPID)

Part 1: Course Offerings of the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences

About STUPID and the College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences: We are an equal opportunity university college specializing in higher-order thinking skills that provide students with raised consciousness, empowerment, and self-esteem. We are especially proud of our inclusionary policies which empower all members of society, regardless of differences in ability and background. For example, we were the first university in North America to ensure that every traffic sign on campus was not only printed in at least five non-European languages, but is also marked in Braille. We are proud of our diversity and require gender and ethnic diversity from every student. All students accepted to STUPID are guaranteed passing grades and a successful graduation, regardless of the degree of academic distinction displayed. All students applying to STUPID are guaranteed admittance as long as our modest tuition requirements and entrance fees are paid - and we work hard to help students get the federal and state grants they deserve to attend our university. Competition is out - all classes operate on the principles of cooperative learning, self-directed learning, learning-to-learn, and active learning. This is facilitated by our well supplied computer and multimedia labs, now equipped with Wii, X-Box, Play Station 3, and Enhanced Super Nintendo to offer you the ultimate adventure in modern education.

Funding for STUPID is generously provided by the taxpayers of the United States. Most of our budget comes from the $80 million a year our newly founded Medical College receives from the U.S. government to not produce any more physicians. Our Department of Physics also receives $10 million a year in Federal grants to not produce any physicians.

P101 - PC Freshman Physics: Toward a Higher Awareness.
Traditional Eurocentric physics must be excised if students are to achieve higher consciousness. The restrictive ideology of Newton, with its emphasis on action and reaction, is exposed as reactionary propaganda, used for centuries to oppress people and institutionalize fear and hate. The prohibitive, traditional “laws” of physics must be rejected in favor of new models that foster tolerance, empowerment, and social justice. Under the old order, radical conservative forces have imposed “conservative” laws restricting the use of energy, mass, momentum, and electrical charge. Rather than conserving such forces and powers, they must be increased and made available to all people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. Students are instructed in the revolutionary New Physics and are encouraged to promote awareness through demonstrations and other media events.

P115 - Contributions of the Vertically Challenged in Physics.
Startling new evidence confirms that most great physicists were vertically challenged (or “short,” as bigots are wont to say). Unfortunately, repressive social norms forced many scientists to strive to appear vertically gifted in order to maintain credibility with the masses. Some never publicly came out about their true vertical orientation, but were still privately active in the vertically challenged subculture. This course examines how the vertical advantage of Newton, Galileo, Einstein, Bohr, and many others contributed to their success as scientists.

P116 - Quantum Mechanics: Contributions of Indigenous Peoples.
Most textbooks on physics, written by the ruling Eurocentric white male class, have completely ignored the fundamental contributions of indigenous peoples toward our understanding of quantum mechanics. This course seeks to rectify past wrongs by focusing on the achievements in quantum mechanics of peoples such as the Aleutian Indians, the Australian Aborigines, and Karen tribes of Thailand. Extra credit and reduced homework loads are available to members of oppressed groups.

P221 - White Male Oppression in Nuclear Physics.
For centuries, white males have used the rhetoric and the tools of physics - especially nuclear physics - to suppress other classes. Bigoted labeling of subatomic particles, such as “negative” for the charge of the electron or “uncharmed” for some quarks, implies that some particles are better than others, which in turn is used to strengthen repressive norms of racial and gender inequality. Students will explore more holistic approaches to physics and learn how to turn physics into a New Age tool of class struggle to overthrow oppression.

PC250 - Space Occupation Theory.

Traditional, oppressive theory claimed that two particles of matter could not occupy the same space at the same time. This course makes use of newer and more aggressive "Occupy Space" theory to prove that the occupation of space by multiple elements of politically-charged matter can result in positive changes to the surrounding environment. Students are required to provide their own drums, tents, and bullhorns. Contact the instructor for the location of the class.

P287 - Feminist Cosmology.
The Big Bang model is exposed as a purely male paradigm, deliberately replete with male sexual symbolism in order to deny empowerment to women. A more progressive feminine cosmology, the Gentle Nurturing, is offered to replaced the male Big Bang theory. The Gentle Nurturing model views the origin of the universe as lengthy period of gradual gestation, followed by steady nurturing, rather than a sudden eruption. The male originators of the Big Bang theory are examined critically for their role in maintaining an oppressive order through the manipulation of physics. The new paradigm shows that we are part of an interconnected cosmic entity which must be further nurtured and protected from the harms inflicted by the radical right.

P326 - Advanced Psychophysics.
This specialized course for physics majors only teaches students to achieve high levels of cosmic awareness by tapping into the universal consciousness that engulfs us all. Such higher order thinking skills are developed by cooperative quantum reconstruction and self-directed neural empowerment sessions with the assistance of Tarot cards, Ouija boards, energy crystals, and altered states of consciousness. Students not only develop their psychic gifts, but learn how to effectively market them in fields such as Celebrity Counseling, Political Psychotherapy (including tips on White House protocol), and Forensic Psychozoology (using psychic gifts to identify corporations which have harmed protected species). Teaching assistants are available in the form of personal spirit guides.

P331 - Gaia, the Atomic Mother.
Past studies of Gaia as the self-regulating life force of mother earth have been too narrow in their vision. A new framework for physics shows that Gaia originates at the atomic level, where each atom is alive and connected to the cosmic consciousness, directly influencing universal karma. This breakthrough in human consciousness, finally accessing the astral energies of the atom itself, reveals the horror of man's sins against nature in the twentieth century. Splitting the atom, for example, is now seen as the ultimate act of violence. Our assault on the atomic world may account for much of the clash between man and nature, including the recent escalation in lightning strikes. This course will show students new approaches to life and energy to heal the wounds we have inflicted to the atomic world, including the damaged self-esteem to electrons and other particles afflicted with judgmental labels by bigoted scientists. Prerequisite: P221.

The STUPID College of Ultra-Liberal Arts and Sciences is a fully accredited non-profit institution of higher multicultural learning and an Equal Opportunity institution, working to provide equality and empowerment for all ... except for reactionaries and members of oppressor classes.

Tomorrow, we will take a second look at STUPID, with a look at Part 2 of the course catalog, which lists the politically correct course offerings of The Right. Be here.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Cartoon Laws of Physics

2012-01-15T05:35:00.005-05:00

If you are of a certain age (like John, Mike, and I, for instance), you will remember the wonderful cartoons we used to enjoy in the days before travesties like Dora the Explorer. Cartoons that were funny. Cartoons that really made you laugh. Cartoons that made the understanding of abstract concepts like physics actually fun. From the Blog Fodder file comes this summary of The Cartoon Laws of Physics ...

Cartoon Law 1: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Example: A character steps off a cliff, expecting further solid ground. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Figure 1: Suspension of Gravity

Cartoon Law 2: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the “stooge's surcease.”

Cartoon Law 3: A body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the “silhouette of passage,” this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Figure 2: A Silhouette of Passage

Cartoon Law 4: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law 5: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law 6: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A “wacky” character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Figure 3: A Cloud of Altercation

Cartoon Law 7: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law 8: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Cartoon Law 8, Corollary A: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law 9: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law 10: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law 11: A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law 12: The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters.

Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law 13: Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and sooty.

Cartoon Law 14: Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

The operation of these waves can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop: its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law 15: Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Law 12, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law 15, Corollary A: The rate of burn on the fuse of a cartoon bomb depends upon who lights it.

For example, a fuse carefully calculated to burn at a specific rate such that the bomb will explode directly under a passing roadrunner will instead flash to nothing immediately upon being lit by Wile E. Coyote, who will experience a brief moment of wide-eyed surprise (the Ohno Second) before vanishing in a huge explosion.

I hope this summary of the cartoon laws of physics has been useful and instructive. I'm still working on an analogous list of cartoon laws of political activity, and am accepting nominations for such.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2012-01-14T06:49:00.005-05:00

Two weeks of 2012 down, 50 more to go. Good luck ...

Reports from North Korea indicate that the authorities are punishing citizens who exhibited insufficient or insincere grief at the death of homicidal gnome Kim Jong Il; at least three people were killed when a cruise ship ran aground off the coast of Italy; a man suspected of being "Corta Nalgas," the notorious butt slasher who mutilated the backsides of 13 young women in Northern Virginia, has been arrested in Peru; Dutch national Joren van der Sloot has been convicted of murder in a Peruvian court, but not for the suspected murder of vanished American teenager Natalee Holloway, who was declared legally dead this week, and for which van der Sloot was the prime suspect; and a suicide bomber targeting religious pilgrims in Iraq killed 30 people and wounded more than 80.

And we still have the elections to look forward to ... aren't you glad you have Cartoon Saturday to help you along?

Two things you don't normally think of in the same context are clowns and funerals ... but somehow they just seem to work together sometimes, as we see in this pair of cartoons ...

... and,

And while we're milking the cartoon potential of funerals, why not this one, too? ...

The cartoon potential of common tools is seldom realized, although there are some very obvious ya-ha's waiting in the toolbox ...

... and,

Another topic not frequently addressed in cartoons is the common slug, although one might expect more slug-related humor to appear as we approach the elections. Here are a few to start with ...

... and,

... and this rather obvious one ...

By the time November rolls around, we'll all need a couch session like this one ...

And I couldn't have wrapped up this week's Cartoon Saturday any better myself ...

Agnes and I are looking forward to a relaxing weekend of visiting friends and getting run ragged by our local grandchildren. It's gotten pretty chilly here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac, so outdoor activities might be a bit circumscribed, but that's just a good excuse to sit by the fire and watch our way through our movie collection.

Hope you all have a great weekend ... be sure to come back tomorrow for more ruminations from the ever-slightly-askew mind of your old pal.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Degree of Gasp

2012-01-13T04:34:00.007-05:00

Today, Dear Readers, we are taking a break from our discussion of the Constitution to deal with an issue which is less momentous but, perhaps, a good deal more interesting.

I refer to the G-String ...

According to this article, women in France - who are among the world's largest buyers of lingerie - are eschewing the G-String in favor of other forms of lingerie they find more comfortable to wear and more sexy in appearance. This, of course, calls for the sort of detailed discussion that you have come to expect from ol' Bilbo.

Lingerie is one of the topics on which men and women are seldom likely to agree. Anything a man purchases for a woman from Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood is unlikely to be worn more than once (if at all), because the woman for whom it is purchased will probably think it is (1) uncomfortable and (2) embarrassing. I could probably comfortably retire if I could recover the money I spent over the years on lingerie for my Very Best Beloved, most of which was never worn.

Generally speaking, ladies' underthings (and swimwear) are priced according to a factor I call the Degree of Gasp. The Degree of Gasp, or G_d), can be calculated using the formula:

G_d = a^-2 x a_v x c

where a is the area of flesh actually covered by the garment, a_v is the volume of air (in cubic meters) expelled by the observing male, and c is the cost of the garment as expressed by the formula c = 1/a, representing the inverse proportional relationship between cost and area of flesh actually covered.

I developed the theory of the Degree of Gasp many years ago while helping my daughter choose prom dresses and bathing suits (my "help," of course, consisting of sitting in a rickety chair outside the fitting room, helplessly fondling my checkbook while my wife and daughter worked their way through huge numbers of potential candidates). My daughter's dress or bathing suit selection was largely influenced by my reaction when she appeared in it; if my intake of air was of sufficient size to pull ragged, outdated fashion magazines off the waiting room table, the dress was a potential keeper.

I subscribe to the Picket Fence Theory of lingerie, formal dresses, and bathing suits: they should protect the property, but not obstruct the view. Generally speaking, the sexiness of a garment doesn't lie in what it shows, but in what it suggests ... which brings us back to the G-String.

The G-String doesn't leave much to the imagination, which makes it - in my humble opinion - less sexy than garments which cover more, leaving more to the imagination. This is not to say that we need to return to a more prudish era ...

... but to an appreciation of the value of suggestion. The only thing a G-String suggests to me is discomfort.

Well, I could write a great deal more on the subject of lingerie and bathing suits, but it's time to go to work ... which is much less fun, but makes more money. Sad, isn't it?

Have a good day. Enjoy the view. And come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The Bill of Rights - Amendment II

2012-01-12T04:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we started our discussion of the Bill of Rights - the first ten amendments to the Constitution - with Article I, which guarantees our freedoms of worship, speech, free press, and peaceable assembly. Those are probably the most important and most fundamental freedoms guaranteed to us as Americans, but if you really want to get people hysterical about infringement of their rights, start a discussion of Article II.

The Second Amendment reads as follows:

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

There are exactly 27 words in the Second Amendment, and over time, an estimated 737,219.873³ words have been written about it in the Federalist Papers, newspaper editorials, court decisions, and impassioned op-ed articles. One of the largest and most powerful lobbies in the country - the National Rifle Association - exists for the sole purpose of ensuring that rights under the Second Amendment remain supreme and untouched. Almost nothing will incense the average American more than the dreaded spectre of loss of his beloved guns.

Why do we have this national love affair with firearms?

If we go back to the time of the writing of the Constitution and the drafting of the Bill of Rights, we see that the Founders lived in a difficult time, and had their opinions shaped by a dangerous world. They'd just finished fighting for their independence against one of the world's largest professional armies, and the American forces were composed largely of individuals and local militias armed with the weapons they used for defense (against wild animals, "Indians," and other threats in the days before police departments) and for putting food on the table (this being a time before you could drive to the local Safeway and pick up a shrink-wrapped package of pork chops for your supper). At that time, it was important to own a firearm, because you might have to defend your home against attack (from "Indians," or from ... yes ... the government), and you needed to be able to feed your family.

At that time also, the cutting edge of personal weapons technology was the muzzle-loaded, single-shot musket, which a trained marksman could load, aim, and fire about three times per minute.

Fast forward to the year 2012. Cutting-edge personal firearms technology is now represented by the assault rifle and the 9mm pistol with high-capacity magazine. Where a trained marksman in 1787 could fire about three rounds per minute, an untrained shooter today can accurately fire dozens of rounds per minute and reload in seconds.

That's a lot of bullets flying around, and you don't need to be a trained marksman to set them flying.

Let me just say this about the Second Amendment: it's the law of the land. For all its grammatical and punctuational (?) shortcomings (did they really need all those commas?), it guarantees you and I the right to own deadly weapons, and I don't have a problem with that.

But, as I noted in yesterday's discussion of the First Amendment, we have lost sight of the difference between freedom and responsibility, between what we have the right to do and what's right to do. Do we have the right to keep and bear arms? You bet. Is it the right thing to do in all instances? Probably not.

Defenders of the absolute right to keep and bear arms maintain that we are safer when we have the ability to defend ourselves against threats. This may be true. There may not be a policeman available at hand to protect you against a mugger, or to arrest the burglar or rapist trying to break into your home. I understand all that. But somehow I'm more afraid of getting caught in the crossfire between a bunch of heavily-armed thugs.

Should we have the right to keep and bear arms? Absolutely. Should we open a rational discussion about what that means in a time of high-powered weapons and irrational beliefs? Absolutely.

Because, as I often say, freedom - whether of speech, religion, or firearms ownership - doesn't equal freedom of smart. And we're not showing a lot of smart lately.

Besides, I'd rather see bare arms on beautiful ladies any day.

Have a good day. Don't shoot anybody. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The Bill of Rights - Amendment I

2012-01-11T04:36:00.003-05:00

I'm going to assume, Dear Readers, that you are not yet sick unto death of my ongoing ruminations on the Constitution. On that possibly weak assumption, I'm going to begin a discussion of the first ten amendments to the Constitution ... what we call The Bill of Rights.

The Founders had no sooner finished their work on the Constitution when they realized that while they had created a good working framework for a government, they hadn't done quite enough to clearly define the rights of the citizens under that government. They'd had the experience of living under a monarch with unlimited powers, and wanted to make sure that the rights of the citizens of the newly united states were protected. And so it was that they drafted and ensured ratification of the first ten amendments to the brand-new Constitution.

I could write multiple posts on each of the first ten amendments and, indeed multiple posts about each one of those amendments. To simplify things, let's take the Bill of Rights one amendment at a time, starting today with the First Amendment, which reads ...

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

The First Amendment codifies most of the fundamental rights we value as American citizens: the rights of free worship, free speech, a free press, and free assembly. Whole libraries of commentary and analysis have been written about each of these rights, and courts at every level have generated mountains of rulings that either uphold or limit each of them. My discussion in the next few paragraphs will represent only the very most superficial look at each one ... but a discussion that I hope will get us all thinking not just about our rights, but our responsibilities as citizens.

Consider the first part of the amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." The Founders lived in an era when memories of religious oppression and wars were fresh and troubling. The mother country had an established religion (the Church of England), of which the King was the head, and which everyone was expected to observe. The Founders wanted to ensure that citizens of the new country would be free to worship according to the dictates of their conscience, and I don't think it's an accident that freedom of religion, and from government coercion in matters of the spirit, is the very first freedom documented in the very first amendment. Consider that when you listen to far-right presidential wannabes thunder about their religious beliefs and their desire to impose them on you. Oh, and also remember that Article VI of the Constitution clearly states that “…no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.” The Founders knew the negative power of extreme religious belief, and wanted to make sure that we could worship as we saw fit, but be protected from those who would enforce a particular belief.

The next right guaranteed in the First Amendment is the freedom of speech. This means, generally speaking, that we can say what we want, without fear of limitation or censure by agents of the government. In practice, though, we accept practical limits on this freedom: it's illegal, of course, to incite riots, to yell "fire!" in a crowded theater, and to engage in what we loosely call "hate speech." Cases dealing with abridgement of the freedom of speech are decided in the courts every year, most recently in the case before the Supreme Court which will decide the power of the Federal Communications Commission to limit offensive language on the airwaves. What are the appropriate limits on free speech? I don't know. But what I do know is this: as I've often written about in this space, the Constitution grants us freedom of speech ... not freedom of smart. As a very smart person once said, "What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to."

Freedom of the press comes right after freedom of speech in the First Amendment, and most of the same comments I made in the previous paragraph also apply. The Founders knew that a strong and independent press was important to ensuring an informed population. They also knew that a free press would not always be popular. My personal opinion is that the media (expanding the concept of the press to cover more than print) is often irresponsible and overly in love with itself ... but that's the price we pay for being able to read (and hear) things with which we may not agree.

The right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances is the next freedom listed in the First Amendment, and we see the practical effects of it every day. Consider the "Occupy _____" movement, which is attempting - in its own disorganized and clumsy way - to draw attention to social and economic problems. Does the right peaceably to assemble include the right to disrupt traffic, to block entry to government and commercial buildings? Reasonable people (if you can find any nowadays) disagree. I think that the Occupy Whatever movement has an important message to deliver ... but that it needs focus, concepts of practical application, and a willingness to listen to (if not accept) the views of others.

The fundamental problem with the First Amendment is that it guarantees rights, but does not demand equivalent responsibilities. We have freedom of speech, but those who demand that freedom often want to deny it to those with whom they disagree - consider the despicable practice of noisily heckling or shouting down speakers. We have freedom of the press, but it means that we also have to accept that we may be offended by much of what we read ... that much of what's free to be printed may be (in our personal opinions) the most useless or dangerous drivel. We have freedom of peaceful assembly, but when does your freedom to assemble trump my freedom to go where I wish without interference?

The rights guaranteed under the First Amendment are some of the most valuable and fundamental that we enjoy as citizens of this great nation. They need to be protected, exercised with due regard for the rights of others, and considered in the context of the responsibilities they call forth.

Unfortunately, it's easier to demand rights than to behave responsibly. We'll talk more about that when we turn tomorrow to a discussion of the Second Amendment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Constitution: Electing the President

2012-01-10T04:36:00.003-05:00

I got a bit ahead of myself yesterday when I said we'd take up a discussion of the Bill of Rights starting today. We'll start that series tomorrow ... today I want to discuss a topic of some importance this year: the election of the President.

Many Americans and almost all foreign observers are mystified by our electoral process. We begin with nasty and raucous primary elections, in which the presidential wannabes of the various political parties smear and accuse each other, eating their young and providing plenty of negative ammunition about the eventual nominee to the opposing parties. We then move on to expensive, noisy, and useless party conventions in which the bruised, battered survivors of the primary process finally decide who will be the official nominee of the party. And once the parties have selected their candidates, those candidates engage in a final few months of "debates," lies, distortions, ad-hominem attacks, and promises they will have no power to fulfill. The parties and their hidden bankrollers will spend tens of millions of dollars in an attempt to convince Real People to cast their votes for ... who, exactly?

Yes, Dear Readers, who is it that you actually vote for?

The Constitution does not allow for the direct election of the President by the voting population. Voters may mark a paper ballot or push a button on a voting machine next to the name of Joe Candidate, but they're not actually casting their votes for Joe, but for a group of people known as electors, who will eventually decide whether or not Joe becomes the President.

Bizarre, eh?

The system by which the president is elected is established in Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution, as adjusted by the 12th Amendment. Briefly, each state is allocated a number of electors, selected and appointed according to the laws of that state. The number of electors a state receives is based on its total Congressional representation ... that is, each state gets a minimum of three electors (because each state has two senators and at least one representative) and an unlimited maximum based on its total representation in the House, where representation is based on the state's population. Once the popular vote has been counted, the winner of the popular vote in each state is determined, and the electors from that state cast their votes for that state's popular vote winner ... although they are, in practice, free to vote for whomever they wish.

Thus, presidential candidates spend an inordinate amount of time fighting over electoral powerhouses like California, Texas, and Florida, and considerably less over such smaller electoral prizes as Maine and Vermont.

Why did the founders set up such an odd system? Why not just allow for direct election of the president by popular vote? There are two versions of the history ...

According to one version, the Founders were concerned that power not be concentrated in any single branch of government or in the people ... thus, they contrived a system to limit not just the powers of the three branches of the government, but also the tyranny of a voting majority. I don't think much of this theory, which flies in the face of the idea of a representative democracy.

The other version, which I believe is more accurate, is that the Founders recognized the limits of the people and the time in which they lived. They knew that their new nation had a relatively small population spread over an enormous area, difficult to keep informed about key issues. They also knew that many citizens were not particularly well-educated and able to understand those issues. Thus, they contrived a system in which the leaders of the individual states would select better-educated, better-informed electors to do the actual voting on behalf of the Great Unwashed.

Is this an appropriate system for the 21st century, as opposed to the 18th? I don't think so, although there are passionate arguments made by partisans on both sides of the argument. In the worst case, as in the hotly-contested election of 2000, the actual winner of the popular vote (Al Gore) may lose to the candidate with the larger electoral vote (George W. Bush). There have actually been four presidential elections (1824, 1876, 1888, and 2000) in which the winner of the popular vote lost in the electoral college.

No matter what we think of the Electoral College (and, by the way, that isn't what the Constitution calls it), it's the system that will decide the election of 2012. Because the electoral system is enshrined in the Constitution, it will take a constitutional amendment to change it ... and this is a long, cumbersome process that has defeated many attempts over the years to change the electoral system.

Does your vote count if you are in the minority in a state whose majority causes the electors to vote for the candidate you don't like. Yes, although probably not as much as it would in a direct popular vote election. Remember that the outcome of this year's Iowa caucuses was decided in favor of Mitt Romney by a staggering eight votes.

So do what I do ... hold your nose, and vote for the candidate you like. Or the candidate you find least distasteful. Just vote.

Have a good day. Tomorrow, we'll move on to start discussing the Bill of Rights. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Constitution: Federal vs State Powers

2012-01-09T04:40:00.003-05:00

This morning, Dear Readers, we return to our discussion of the Constitution that began back on January 2nd. We've already taken a look at the first three Articles, which establish the overall framework of the federal government (Article I, the Legislative Branch; Article II, the Executive Branch; and Article III, the Judicial Branch); today, we look at how the Constitution divides power between the federal government and the states.

One of the biggest problems for the Founders in writing the Constitution was finding an appropriate balance between the rights and powers of the central government and those of the individual states. The first attempt at a constitution, the Articles of Confederation, had proven to be unworkable because it established a central government too weak to accomplish its responsibilities relative to the states. The constitutional convention thus had the unenviable task of herding the state cats into agreement on a document which would require them to decide which of their powers they would give up in the interest of national unity and which they would retain. Here's how it worked out ...

Article I, Section 10 of the Constitution lays out the broad limits on the powers of the states versus the federal government. States can not, for instance, coin their own money, make war independently of the union, or grant titles of nobility.

Article IV of the Constitution makes all states equal within the union, states that the laws of each state apply equally to all other states, grants the citizens of each state equal rights in every other state, and makes the federal government responsible for the overall defense of the states.

But, having written the Constitution, the Founders weren't sure that they'd adequately ensured the rights, powers, and priviliges of the states relative to those of the federal government. They tried to correct this perceived oversight with the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution, the last article of what we today call The Bill of Rights. The Tenth Amendment cements the rights of the states when it states that

"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

This is why we have a patchwork of laws and regulations that differ from state to state, but which are all equally enforceable within the framework of the union as long as they are compatible with the broad guidelines of the Constitution.

The rights of the states relative to those of the federal government remain an issue today, and States' Rights has long been a rallying cry for those who believe the federal government oversteps its authority. An extreme example may be found in the very name of a Confederate Army general of the Civil War: States Rights Gist.

There's much more to say about the tension between the states and the federal government, and in coming posts we'll discuss some of those issues. For now, we'll just leave the discussion with an interesting historical note that illustrates how the balance between the states and the national government has changed. Prior to the Civil War, if you were referring to the nation as a whole, you would have said that "The United States are...", emphasizing that the nation was an agreed-upon union of individual, independent states. Today, you would probably say that "The United States is..." emphasizing the overall union rather than the quasi-independent status of the individual states within that union.

It's an important philosophical distinction that resonates today when we listen to presidential candidates rail against out-of-control government, blaming Washington (insert dripping scorn) for every problem of the nation.

Tomorrow, we'll look at the Bill of Rights. As always, I'm interested in what you think. I don't pretend to be a Constitutional historial or scholar or any sort of expert on the subject (unlike some of the windbags you hear thundering from the far right and far left), so let's keep a civil discussion going. In an election year, especially one as important as this one, that discussion is of critical importance.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Trimming Defense

2012-01-08T05:43:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer: I am a veteran of 23 years of military service, and am now employed by a defense contractor to support a set of offices in the Pentagon.

With Congress scrambling to figure out how to keep spending lots of money at the same time it slashes the budget, the search is on for the proverbial low-hanging fruit ... the things that can be cut from the budget with the least amount of political pain. One of the places these cuts are often sought is in the military budget, which is - admittedly - enormous, and which can probably use some judicious trimming.

But where do you trim, and how, and what is the real savings you get when balanced against the risks you take?

When the so-called Supercommittee (the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction) last year failed miserably in its mission to trim billions of dollars from the federal budget (because Democrats wouldn't cut social programs and Republicans wouldn't consider raising taxes), it started the clock ticking on a set of mandatory cuts to the budget which would begin in 2013 (safely after the presidential election). The vast majority of those cuts would come from the defense budget, which is always an easy target.

Let's talk about the whole subject of defense, shall we?

The preamble to the Constitution states that one of the purposes of the new government was to provide for the common defense. The Founders knew they were living in a dangerous world, and that an army and a navy were important to protecting the independence of the new nation. But they were, as we are today, conflicted about the desirability of maintaining a large standing army. They'd just fought a war against a king who deployed a huge, professional army against citizens seeking redress of their grievances, and were tired of being forced to care for an army viewed not as a means of protection, but as a means of coercion. A mark of the Founders' concern about the domestic role of the military appears in the Bill of Rights: the third amendment states that "No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law." And federal law, in the so-called posse commitatus act (18 USC I 67, Section 1385) forbids the government from using the Army "except in cases and under circumstances expressly authorized by the Constitution or Act of Congress" to enforce domestic law.

In our own recent history, we saw President Hoover deploy the Army to clear the peaceful protesters of the Bonus Army from the streets of Washington in 1932, and today we see armies in places like Syria and Libya used not for defense against external threats, but as instruments of repression.

Yes, we Americans have a love-hate relationship with the military, and it's one of the biggest genes in our national DNA, along with the worship of firearms (but that's a subject for another time).

So, when it comes time to reduce the federal budget, the military is hard-wired into our thinking as a prime target. The question becomes not, do we need an Army (and Navy, and Air Force) but how big ought those services be?

The Department of Defense spends a great deal of time and effort wrestling with this question, and the long and tortured history of Quadrennial Defense Reviews, blue-ribbon panels, study groups, Congressional hearings, and similar things is far too long and complex to summarize here. Suffice it to say that a lot of voices are heard when we try to decide how large our military should be: The President (who is, under the Constitution, the Commander in Chief of the armed forces), the Congress (whose members have a vested interest in protecting military spending in their own districts), the Department of Defense (which has to come up with an affordable strategy to counter the most probable threats), the individual Services (which each have their own priorities for manpower and weaponry based on their warfighting strategies), and ... of course ... the defense industry, the so-called military-industrial complex warned about by President Eisenhower (himself a retired four-star general) in 1961.

No doubt about it ... a strong military is expensive. The money spent on a single tank, aircraft, or naval ship could fund hospitals, schools, or important public services in many places for years. But is that money wasted?

Consider the economic impact: The enormous defense budget and the military-industrial complex it supports provides employment for millions of Americans (yours truly included). With a rate of unemployment remaining stubbornly over eight percent, tossing tens of thousands of military personnel and others employed in defense industries into an economy that can't find jobs for the people already there doesn't seem like a particularly good idea, at least in the short term.

Consider also the fact that we still live in a dangerous world. The threat of a global cataclysm on the order of World War II is pretty remote, as is the threat of nuclear war. We've withdrawn from Iraq and are on the way to disengaging from Afghanistan. But the world is still full of those who would do us ill, and not all of them are rational thinkers. Would you like your future to depend on the whims of a Mahmoud Ahmedinejad or an Hugo Chavez?

So what am I trying to say with all this bloviation?

Just this: we need to trim back our defense spending. But we need to do it rationally and not all at once, which would just make our current economic problems that much worse. If Bilbo were President (God help us!), here are a few things he would recommend (because, as we've seen, Presidents aren't empowered to do much of anything on their own):

1. Close all military facilities in Europe and bring back all forces to bases in the United States. The Europeans can worry about their own defense...there is no particular reason for keeping significant forces in Europe more than 70 years after the end of the Second World War.

2. Close all military facilities in Japan and South Korea and rebase the forces in the United States. It will save money, stop giving North Korea an excuse (however bogus) for its ludicrous and dangerous geopolitical antics, and remove part of China's excuse for the massive expansion of its military.

3. Invest in a strong, homeland-based Navy and Air Force for immediate power projection.

4. Refocus the Army away from large battlefield formations to a structure based on special operations forces. The likelihood of fighting a major ground war against a large land army is pretty remote, compared to the likelihood of having to fight the al Qaedas of the world.

5. Reduce the number of general and flag officers in the armed services by about half. Although the direct savings in pay may be modest, each GO/FO (Pentagon shorthand for general officer/flag officer) has an expensive support tail of secretaries, executive officers, aides, and office real estate that makes his (or her) cost considerably larger than pay alone, and consumes manpower resources that could be more profitably used elsewhere.

Most of my military friends would think I'm nuts for advocating most of these things, but I think they're all reasonable, even though the devil will remain lurking in the details. There's only so much money to spend, and we need to spend it wisely.

We have a responsibility to provide for the common defense, after all.

What are your thoughts?

Have a good day. Thank a Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Marine for being free to have it.

More thoughts tomorrow, when we return to our discussion of the Constitution.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2012-01-07T08:26:00.004-05:00

Welcome to 2012 ...

The Iowa caucus political bloodletting is over, and Mitt Romney won in a towering eight-vote landslide over dark-horse challenger Rick "Where the Hell Did He Come From" Santorum; the ever-reasonable and endlessly moderate government of Iran has petulantly threatened to close the Strait of Hormuz if ... well ... just if; police are seeking the public's help in identifying a woman found dead on the grounds of the British royal family's estate at Sandringham; the government of Syrian strongman Bashar al Asad has vowed to strike its foes with an "iron fist," having decided to forego the whole unworkable velvet glove thing; and 11 people have been killed in a hot-air balloon crash in New Zealand, proving - against all evidence to the contrary - that the world's supply of hot air was not used up in Iowa.

Yes, Dear Readers, it looks as if 2012 is shaping up to be just a wonderful year. Aren't you glad you have Cartoon Saturday to help you get by?

How do you operate on some of the more far-right and far-left wingnuts ...?

Now that I own both an iPhone and an iPad, I've entered the amazing world of apps - short for applications - that allow me to do everything on both but raise the dead (and I've heard the iPad 3 will have an app called iReincarnate for use by Buddhists). Apps are a good source of material for cartoons, as we see in this collection ...

and ...

and finally ...

I thought John would appreciate this one ...

and Angelique, my favorite transplanted Cajun, would enjoy this one ...

And finally for today, if you've ever watched the amazing colossal clown show of any Congressional hearing, you know exactly what this cartoon is getting at ...

And that's your first Cartoon Saturday of 2012. This morning Mike also has a great collection of blogging-related cartoons over at Billions of Versions of Normal (normal being, in his case, relative) ... check them out.

It looks as if this weekend will be unseasonably "warm" and sunny, so I may have to try to do something useful, like rake leaves or something, before going dancing at tonight's First Saturday Party at Forever Dancing ... but I'll wait a bit before I decide. No sense being hasty this early in a new and unproven year.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The Judicial Branch

2012-01-06T04:33:00.003-05:00

As we've seen, Article I of the Constitution describes the Legislative Branch, and Article II the Executive Branch. Today, Dear Readers, we continue our discussion of The Constitution with a look at Article III, which establishes the third branch of government - the Judicial Branch.

Considering the importance the Founders placed on the importance of the rule of law (as opposed to the whim of a monarch), Article III isn't very long (only three sections) and doesn't say very much. The only court specifically established by the Constitution is the Supreme Court; the rest of the judicial structure that has grown up over the years represents the Constitution's reference to "such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish" (Article III, Section 1). You can read a very good explanation of the Federal and State court systems here if you're interested (and you should be).

One of the things on which we Americans pride ourselves is the fact that we live in a country in which the rule of law is supreme. We have rights guaranteed by the Constitution, live according to laws drafted by representatives we've elected, and rely upon an independent judiciary to make sure that those laws are equally enforced and upheld. But how independent is that judiciary, really?

The justices of the Supreme Court are nominated by the President, confirmed by the Senate, and serve for life. Judges serving on other courts may be nominated and confirmed, or they may be elected for specific terms of service. The Constitution says only that "The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour..." (Article III, Section 1). But what constitutes good behaviour, and how does that relate to the concept of an independent court system?

We've recently seen conservative Republican gadfly Newt Gingrich and other hyperconservative wingnuts rail against activist judges who legislate from the bench and should be required to appear before Congress to defend unpopular decisions. This does not augur well for an independent judiciary equal in power to the Legislative and Executive branches. I would argue that to the extent that some activist judges (whatever that means) legislate from the bench, it's because our elected lawmakers are unwilling or unable to legislate from the legislature. And as far as requiring judges to appear before Congress to defend unpopular decisions (unpopular to whom, one might ask), this is just plain silly: judges write and publish lengthy decisions that document exactly how and why they rendered the opinion they did in specific cases. Clearly, Mr Gingrich can't read.

Should judges be elected or appointed? There are arguments both ways. Judges who run for election need money to pay for their campaigns … and the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision means that they can be anonymously bought. On the other hand, judges who are appointed will usually be selected on the basis of their compatibility with the political leanings of the official who appoints them, and not necessarily on their qualifications. Perhaps the answer is to elect judges, but to have their campaigns be publicly funded to a common dollar limit.

When judges must stand for election, they need money to pay for their campaigns. Where does that money come from? Can you and I, as ordinary citizens, really expect that an elected judge can remain totally independent when he owes his election to the money provided by big donors? And beyond that, can you and I afford the same level of Platinum-Plus justice afforded to those who can hire high-powered, ultra-expensive law firms to represent them in disputes?

I've drifted away from a focus on what the Constitution says about the Judicial Branch of government, largely because the Constitution itself doesn't really say very much. In the coming weeks, I'll talk more about the interplay of the three branches of the government and how we, as concerned and involved citizens with a stake in good government, should look at the political linkages that are so important to shaping the country in which we live.

We'll pick up our discussion of the Constitution again next Monday. Tomorrow is Cartoon Saturday, and I have some other things to talk about on Sunday. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts on the three branches of government. I want this to be a discussion ... not just me bloviating like a cheap politician. We are, after all, gearing up for a momentous presidential election season which will pit tremendously differing political philosophies against each other in a contest for the right to define the country in which we live. We've all got a big stake in the argument. Let's think it through.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Constitution: The Executive Branch

2012-01-05T04:36:00.003-05:00

Today we continue our tour of the Constitution with a look at the second of the three branches of government it established: the Executive Branch.

When the Founders sat down to design a government for their new nation, they realized someone had to be in charge. However, they had just finished getting rid of a king and were wary of creating a powerful leader who would recreate the conditions they'd just fought the revolutionary war to change. For this reason, they desgined an executive position with greatly circumscribed powers.

The Executive Branch, headed by the President, is described in Article II of the Constitution. There are four sections in this article, only two of which (Sections 2 and 3) describe the powers granted to the president ... which are relatively few, and most of which are subject to the "advice and consent" of the Senate. The other two articles are interesting: Section 1 grants the president his^* title, establishes basic qualifications for the office, and describes how the president will be elected (this brings us to the Electoral College, which we'll examine in a future post); and Section 4 describes the conditions for which a president may be removed from office.

If you read Sections 2 and 3 of Article II carefully, you realize that the president isn't really empowered to do all that much, particularly when you compare his duties to those of the Congress outlined in Article I. This was, of course, by design ... as we noted before, the Founders weren't interested in crowning a new king.

What does that mean for us today? People who run for president try to convince you to vote for them by making all sorts of promises about what they're going to do once they're elected. This is what we call wishful thinking, because what the president can promise and what he can actually deliver are very much different. A new president enters office with a set of ideas and philosophies about the direction in which the country should move. The new president may be politically and socially conservative (like a George W. Bush) or liberal (like a Barack Obama), and will try to set an agenda that reflects that political and social orientation. But because the Constitution makes most of the president's actions subject to the "advice and consent" of Congress, the president's ability to deliver on promises depends on his ability to get Congressional support for them.

As we see every day, this is no minor task.

When the president and the Congress are of the same party, it's generally easier for the president to deliver on promises, because two of the three branches of government are following the same general political philosophy. When they are of different parties, tension results. In the case of the current president, it's relatively tough for Mr Obama to deliver on his promises when half of the Congress is controlled by a party on record as saying its highest priority is to drive him from office.

But that's a discussion for another time. Let's talk for a brief moment about the actual title "President of the United States."

The Constitutional Convention had a committee on titles which worked to decide what the various officers of the new government should be called. The Constitution (Article I, Section 9) forbids the granting of titles of nobility, so the search for appropriate titles for government officials was not an easy task. George Washington's first preference for a job title was "His High Mightiness, the President of the United States and Protector of their Liberties," which didn't last long as it smelled too much of royalty. In the end, it was truncated to the title we know today: President of the United States, and so documented in the Constitution (Article II, Section 1).

So ...

The Constitution created a system of government led by a President whose powers were greatly limited and subject to limits imposed by the Legislative and Judicial branches of the government. The President's real power was limited to his (or her) ability to persuade the electorate and the other branches of the government to follow his lead. Sometimes that's easy. Other times, like the present, it's difficult.

But that's the way the Founders designed it. If you want to be led by a king, a dictator, or an ayatollah, there are plenty of other countries so led where you might be happier. I, for one, like it here ... in spite of the endless opportunities for political ass-clownery built into the Constitution.

Have a good day. More thoughts on the Constitution tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I'm using the generic pronoun he to refer to the President. I know this is "sexist," but it's too cumbersome to type he (or she) and him (or her) all the time. Each time you read he or him, understand that it refers to both sexes. If you don't like it, that's tough ... it's my blog. Get your own and you can write what you want.

B.

The Constitution: The Legislative Branch

2012-01-04T04:42:00.003-05:00

Today we continue my bloviation on the subject of the Constitution by looking at the first of the three branches of the government it established: the Legislative Branch.

It's no accident that, of the three branches of the government the Founders organized, the Constitution addresses the Legislative branch first - Article 1, Section 1 says simply:

All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives.

The idea of a bicameral (that is, consisting of two parts) legislature was a result of compromise (imagine that!). One of the original problems faced by the Founders was that of the allocation of representation in the new congress. Large, wealthy, populous states believed they deserved more representation than smaller, less populous ones; the smaller states, for their part, wanted to make sure they weren’t steamrolled by their larger neighbors. The compromise was a two-chamber legislature in which all states were equally represented in the upper house (the Senate) and represented on the basis of population in the lower house (the House of Representatives). The Constitution also based representation on the results of a census to be conducted at ten-year intervals (Article 1, Section 2) ... and this, as it happens, led to another problem down the road - the designation of the boundaries of Congressional districts. We'll talk more about that in subsequent posts, and if you want to play a game that lets you design your own Congressional districts, you can refer to the links in my earlier post here.

Having had recent negative experience of rule by a king, the Founders were also concerned that they not create an equivalent ruling figure, able to govern by personal whim without being answerable to the people. Thus, their draft constitution gave most of the actual governing power to the legislative branch ... Sections 7, 8, and 9 of Article 1 lay out the specific responsibilities of Congress, which include the power to declare war, ratify treaties, collect taxes (yes, they knew taxes were necessary!), and approve the expenditure of the government's funds.

The draft constitution also set up the terms of office for the members of the two chambers. Elections were staggered so as to keep wholesale disruption in membership to a minimum and ensure that representatives were made to stand for reelection at intervals, giving the people an opportunity periodically to ... well ... throw the bums out.

This brings us, logically, to the idea of term limits - an idea that rears its head frequently when the electorate gets irritated with powerful individual members of Congress. Are term limits a good idea? Yes and no. Yes, because they keep elected officials from homesteading and ensure an infusion of fresh blood and new ideas at regular intervals. No, because – ultimately – the voters have the power to impose term limits by voting out representatives they don’t like when they come up to the end of their terms of office. Put bluntly, if you keep reelecting the same bums, you have only yourself to blame.

I'll have more to say about the Legislative Branch, and its relation to the Executive and Judicial Branches, in subsequent posts ... for now, this will have to do as an introduction to the topic. Hopefully, it's given you a bit of insight you might have forgotten since your high school civics classes (if you even had them) and helped you begin to understand how the legislature envisioned by the Founders might have begun to change from this ...

to this ...

Tomorrow, we'll continue the discussion with an examination of the Executive Branch. Y'all come, hear!

Have a good day. Be an informed citizen. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Starting the Constitutional Discussion

2012-01-03T04:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I kicked off the discussion of the Constitution by noting its role as "holy scripture" for political points of view. Today, let's continue the discussion with a few general comments about the document everyone likes to refer to, but no one really understands...

When the framers came together in 1787 to draft a constitution for their new nation, they recognized that the first attempt - the Articles of Confederation - weren't working out because the government they'd established was too weak to govern. And so they had a problem: they needed to establish a government strong enough to run the country, but weak enough to represent the smallest possible threat to the rights of citizens and the individual states. How to do this was the focus of much discussion and argument during the months of the constitutional convention...

The answer on which they finally settled was the result of something long missing from American government - compromise. Not everyone got everything they wanted, but they actually created something.

The new constitution provided for a government composed of three parts: the Legislative (to write the laws) the Executive (the carry out the laws) and the Judicial (to ensure the laws are carried out properly). This structure was designed to ensure that no single branch of government became too powerful ... and it set up the framework for the hyperpartisan gridlock we see today by allowing each branch of the government to be able to limit the activities of the others. The system was cumbersome and inefficient, but would (at least, in theory) result in general agreement and unity of purpose without allowing any single branch of government to gain too much power.

Of course, it hasn't quite worked out that way.

We're going to continue our discussion of the Constitution in the coming weeks, and we'll do it from the perspective of the Preamble, which states that the Constitution is designed to

"...form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

But right now, I have to ensure domestic tranquility and the general welfare of my little piece of the American Dream by going to work. Those bills aren't going to pay themselves.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Holy Scripture

2012-01-02T06:16:00.004-05:00

If you're a Christian, it's the Bible. If you're a Jew, it's the Talmud. If you're a Muslim, it's the Koran. If you're a Sikh, it's the Granth. If you're one of the two or three remaining Communist purists in the world, it's Capital, by Karl Marx.

And if you're a hard-core American conservative, it's the Constitution ... whether you really understand what it actually says or not.

As we look back at the past year of political gridlock in Washington and ahead to the raucous clown show of the presidential election, one of the things you'll be sure to hear a lot about is The Constitution. And one of the things you'll be able to see is that many of the people who shout loudest about The Constitution and whether or not something is constitutional have only the merest idea of what they're talking about.

I don't pretend to be a Constitutional scholar. I've read and studied the Constitution (much more so in the last two years), which - obviously - doesn't make me an expert on the subject. But I do think I've got a bit better idea than many people who treat the document as holy scripture of what it says and ... to the extent that we can interpret the thoughts of the Framers who wrote it in 1787 ... what it means.

The US Constitution is both the oldest (written in 1787) and the shortest (4400 words ... 4543, if you're counting the original, unamended version and the signatures) written Constitution in the world. The fact that it is so short is both a good and a bad thing ... good, because it was written to allow flexibility of interpretation (and sidestep difficult political and social issues like slavery); bad, because flexibility of interpretation leads to ... well ... differing interpretations.

You can see how the problem of differing interpretations manifests itself every day as Congress wrestles with how to avoid solving the nation's problems. What does it mean for a law or position to be constitutional? What did the founders really mean when they wrote the Second Amendment? Is a document written at the end of the 18th century still a viable guide to government at the dawn of the 21st?

The ongoing Constitution Cafe project tries to envision how the Constitution might be rewritten to meet the needs of a world very much different from that of the Revolutionary era. The Constitution Cafe website asks the question this way:

"What if we engaged in a 'constitutional thought experiment'? What if we held a ‘new’ Constitutional Convention of sorts, and acted as if we were the Framers? Using existing constitutional articles as the starting point, would we come to a more profound understanding of and appreciation for the amazing document created by our Framers -- even or especially if we decided to redo the articles? Would we be able to practice imaginative reasonableness, careful listening and equal recognition as we scrutinize a wide variety of proposals, inviting compelling objections and alternatives? Would we be able to reach creative compromise and consensus or even achieve a higher ground?"

This is a very interesting and profoundly important set of questions that goes to the very heart of our system of government and our ability to keep the freedoms and the representative democracy that set us apart from most of the rest of the world. As we take a deep breath and plunge into another acrimonious election season, and as Congress gets ready to come back from its recess and continue to do not very much other than generate hot waste gas, we need to think about the Big Picture. What kind of country do we want? Is a constitutional guarantee of unrestricted freedom more important than an emphasis on shared responsibilities? Should the Constitution be amended or completely junked and rewritten? In a time of such political divisiveness, could we even decide?

I'll be blogging about this topic quite a bit over the coming months. For the record at the outset, I don't believe it's realistic to even think about a wholesale rewrite of the Constitution. I don't think that in the current political atmosphere of my way or the highway we can display the imaginative reasonableness, careful listening and creative compromise envisioned in the Constitution Cafe project. But we can and should engage - to the extent we can - in a calm and rational debate over the direction in which the country needs to go and the best way to get there.

How would you amend or rewrite the Constitution? I have my own ideas that I'll trot out in this space, but I'd like to know what you think.

Let's have that responsible, respectful debate, because thinking and discussing is what we haven't been doing too much of over the last few years. We've been shouting and accusing, which isn't the same thing.

Have a good day. Let's talk about the country we want when the intellectual bloodletting of the election is over.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Happy New (Election) Year!

2012-01-01T06:31:00.006-05:00

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as if you didn't have enough of a headache after last night's celebrations, I have to remind you that the new year you just celebrated the beginning of is an election year. And not just any election year, but a presidential election year.

Yes, Dear Readers, our ruling class is going for the Big Enchilada ... so if you thought last years midterm elections were bad, just wait for the coming months, in which you'll be buried in political junk mail, assailed by dozens of robo-calls per day, and treated to screaming attack ads on TV and radio. Of course, none of these will tell you why you should vote for candidate X ... they'll just tell you that you should vote against candidate Y because he/she is a no-good socialist radical/lying scumbag/non-citizen/right of Atilla the Hun/left of Lenin/wholly-owned subsidiary of big business/draft-dodging/baby-raping/tax-and-spend liberal (said with dripping scorn)/heartless hyperconservative (said with dripping scorn)/etc.

It's what our democracy has come to. As a gentleman named Hansell B. Duckett once said, "What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to."

I'll have lots to say about the candidates, the issues, and the campaign in the coming months. Hopefully, you will find it worth listening to. For now, I'll just try to relax and enjoy the last two days of vacation before I have to go back and face the new year.

Which, of course, is hard enough in a normal year.

Do you suppose the Mayans were thinking of Democrats and Republicans when they created that calendar ...?

Have a good day. Happy New Year ... we're all in this together!

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2011-12-31T07:41:00.004-05:00

And here we are, with the final edition of Cartoon Saturday for the year 2011. What a year it's been, too. So long, 2011 ... don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

Telecommunications giant Verizon scored a major public relations coup by imposing a $2.00 fee on customers for paying their Verizon bills, which it quickly had to scrap in the face of public outrage; the self-important and self-aggrandizing online group Anonymous hacked into the computers of security firm Stratfor.com and stole thousands of credit card numbers, which it then used to charge charitable donations; a spree of 21 fires set by an arsonist in Hollywood has caused an estimated $350,000 in damages and led officials to post a $60,000 reward for the capture of the arsonist; GOP presidential wannabes continue their slugfest in advance of Tuesday's Iowa caucuses, flooding the state's airwaves with attack ads; and Egypt's military government has said it will stop its raids on non-governmental organizations and return all equipment and materials stolen in the raids. In a related development, pigs flew.

Aren't you glad Cartoon Saturday is here to give you some relief from the rampant ass-clownery?

As we end a difficult year, with the unemployment rate stubbornly high and Congress unable or unwilling to do anything about it, it's always good to try to look on the bright side of things ...

It wouldn't be Cartoon Saturday without at least one terrible pun, would it ...?

Have you eaten yet in one of those restaurants that use electronic tablets instead of traditional paper menus? How do they work for you? If nothing else, they can help explain some things ...

I wonder if this approach would work on our local HOV (high occupancy vehicles) lanes ...

Texting while driving is pretty stupid, no matter where you do it ...

I've spent much of the last week trying to set up our new A/V receiver. I finally got everything connected properly (at least, I think I did) ... now, I've got to cope with a new "multifunction remote." This is how I see it ...

When we update the stories we tell our children so they can put them in context ...

A new twist on the old joke about the guy who thinks he's a chicken ...

You can do what you want, but we all end up here someday ...

And finally, as people cope with the falling values of their homes and local governments cope with the consequent decline in income from property taxes, we're going to great lengths to enhance the value of our property however we can ...

And there you have it: the final Cartoon Saturday of 2011. Be sure to check out my other post for today, in which I announced the winner of the first annual Ass Clown of the Year Award.

Agnes and I will be staying in tonight, having a nice dinner together, watching movies on DVDs, and sipping champagne in front of the fire ... our new favorite way of ringing in the new year, which will probably arrive whether we're awake or not.

Have a safe and happy celebration tonight, however you plan to do it, and be sure to come back and keep me company in the new year. The ass-clownery doesn't stop, and neither should we. More thoughts next year.

Bilbo

And the Winner Is ...

2011-12-31T06:37:00.007-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!

The people - or, at least, the quasi-representative segment of them composed of readers of this blog - have spoken, and we are now ready to proclaim the winner of Bilbo's first annual

Ass Clown of the Year Award!

First, the also-rans:

In a tie for Eighth Place, with one vote each, we have GOP presidential wannabe Mitt Romney

and bizarre singer (and also winner of the Kim Kardashian Shortest Marriage Award) Sinead O'Connor (who should win something for that asinine tattoo, also):

In Seventh Place with four votes is annoying GOP gadfly and presidential wannabe Newt Gingrich:

Edging out Mr Gingrich for Sixth Place with five votes is the National Rifle Association for its strong defense of the sanctity of deadly weapons:

Fifth Place, with 14 votes, goes to celebrity train wreck Lindsay Lohan for her fine performance as a role model for young women everywhere:

Fourth Place goes to professional celebrity Kim Kardashian, who netted 16 votes for her unparalleled skill at being famous for ... uh ... being famous:

Finishing Third with 22 votes is The Democratic Party, for its complete disorganization and utter inability to present a coherent alternative to rampaging hyperconservatism:

The runners up, in a tie for Second Place with 43 votes each are the United States Congress (for its complete abdication of responsibility for addressing the country's problems, tight focus on partisan posturing, and blatant sellout to special interests)

and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, for its skillful combination of extreme religious bigotry and shameless misogyny:

And now, with appropriate fanfare, it gives me great pleasure to announce the first annual Ass Clown of the Year! With a magnificent First Place showing of 62 votes - nearly the same as the total of second- and third-place finishers - the award goes to

The Republican Party

for its cynical and hypocritical sellout to big business and wealthy campaign contributors, it's complete disregard for any points of view other than its own, it's craven willingness to kiss the backsides of its most extreme members, and its willingness to bring the government to a complete halt to impose its conservative agenda on the nation:

Thanks to all of you who voted! At least here, your vote counts for something.

Have a good day, and raise a glass to our Ass Clown of the Year, the GOP. If nothing else, they make a great bad example for effective statesmanship.

Stay tuned for Cartoon Saturday, coming up in just a few minutes ...

Bilbo

Justifiable Verbicide, Part 2

2011-12-30T05:52:00.003-05:00

In my post titled Justifiable Verbicide on the 11^th of December, I referred you to an article about killing useless corporate jargon ... getting rid of expressions like "outside the box," "best of breed," and "value-added." Speaking of added, I added to the original list one of my personal non-favorites, "at the end of the day," while Angelique added "a class act" and Kathy added "the new paradigm" and "cutting edge."

Yep, candidates for justifiable verbicide, every one.

But wait, there's more!

Each year, Lake Superior State University in Sault Ste Marie, Michigan, publishes its List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness. You can read their archive of banished word lists going back to 1976 here, and the List of Banished Words for 2012. In case you don't have the time to read the entire article, here is the 2012 list, with my comments added ...

Amazing. It's not amazing. Lose it.

Baby Bump. You should never, ever use this term to describe a possibly-pregnant lady. Not only is it stupid, but as humorist Dave Barry once said, ""You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment."

Shared Sacrifice. What none of us is willing to do. If you're poor or middle-class, you don't think anyone else is making any sacrifices; if you're wealthy, you don't see why you should need to sacrifice anything. This term needs to be sacrificed on the altar of uselessness.

Occupy. In my opinion, this is the absolute prize-winning useless word for 2012. It has lost whatever meaning it originally had, and needs to occupy pride of place in the linguistic trash can.

Blowback. This is a term originally used by the intelligence community to refer to the unintended negative consequences of an operation that seemed like a good idea at the time ... like giving weapons to "freedom fighters" in Afghanistan who are now perfectly happy to use them against us. In popular use, it generally just means resistance. And it needs to be junked.

Man Cave. What more can I say? I call my favorite room my study, and I like it just fine.

The New Normal. It's the expression politicians use when they try to get you to accept things that are worse than they used to be. Advertisers use it, too, generally when they try to convince you to buy established products that are both smaller and more expensive than they used to be.

Pet Parent. I wasn't aware of this expression, which refers to people who treat their pets like little children rather than ... well ... like pets. For the record, Nessa thinks this is a dumb expression, too.

Win the Future. This is a worn-out phrase used by both Republicans and Democrats to keep you from realizing that they've hopelessly screwed up the present.

Trickeration. I hadn't heard this expression before, but it seems to have originated with football announcers and analysts to describe what used to be called a trick play.

Ginormous. Bigger than giant, bigger than enormous, and totally useless. Just say huge.

Thank You in Advance. I've hated this expression for years. It's intended to give a go-on jab to someone you figure will fart off whatever you've asked them to do ... as if proactive thanks will make them do their job. Don't bother thanking Congress in advance ... you're wasting your time.

What are your suggestions for more overused terms to be retired in the coming year? Leave a comment and let me know.

And while you're at it, remember that today is December 30^th, which means that you're running out of time to vote for the Ass Clown of the Year. I'll accept your votes until 11:59 PM tonight, and the winner will be announced tomorrow in a second end-of-year post to accompany Cartoon Saturday. Be sure to cast your votes now, and don't forget that - because we're using Chicago/DC electoral rules - you can vote as often as you like for as many candidates as you wish. Your relatives (living and dead), pets, and imaginary friends, can vote, too. Get to it!

Have a good day. Use vivid, not tired language, and be here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday and the presentation of the Ass Clown of the Year Award!

Bilbo

Literary Light Bulb Jokes

2011-12-29T04:42:00.004-05:00

One of the classic types of joke is the one that asks: "How many (insert profession here) does it take to change a light bulb?"

Some of the answers can be trememdously funny, or can be groaners, or - sometimes - both ... like most of these, which deal with literary and research aspects of light bulb change ...

Q: How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because changing light bulbs is not professional work.

Q: How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: (delivered with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"

Q: How many book publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to hold down the author.

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to ask, "Do we have to get author's approval for this?" and one to actually change the bulb.
A2: Two, one to change the bulb and one to write a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Proofreaders don't change light bulbs ... they just note that the bulbs need changing.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to tell a long story about it.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

A2: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to figure out a clever plot that explains how the lightbulb died in the first place.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to make sure the instructions on how to change the bulb are completely incomprehensible.

Q: How many literary critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Literary critics don't know how to change light bulbs, but will find something wrong with the way you do it.

Any others? Leave me a comment.

On a new topic, time is running out for you to cast your vote(s) for your favorite candidate(s) for Ass Clown of the Year. Balloting closes tomorrow night, December 30th, at 11:59 PM, and the result will be announced on Saturday, December 31st. Vote early, vote often, but vote. It'll be more satisfying than the vote you cast next November ... and will probably have just as much impact on government.

Have a good day. Change a light bulb, so you'll have more light to vote by. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

It's About Time

2011-12-28T04:41:00.005-05:00

It's been said that we never have enough time, but that we have all the time there is. This is true, at least at this time, and so it's time for me to take some time and write about ... time.

There are two time topics to tell today ... however alliteratively.

The first one comes from my blog fodder file from a year or so ago, and tells of the construction of the world's largest clock in, of all places, Saudi Arabia (which, by the way, is still in a strong third place in the Ass Clown of the Year balloting). It seems that the Saudis are irritated that the standard for world time is the prime meridian running through Greenwich, England, and believe that time should be measured from their little piece of sandy wasteland. The Saudi Binladen Group (yes, owned by the family of the fellow now sleeping with the fishes) is building what is billed as the world's largest clock, with four 151-foot faces illuminated by 2 million LED lights and covered with 98 million pieces of mosaic glass. It will be visible for 16 miles and stand 820 feet tall. This enormous clock, which will also shoot beams of light high into the sky, will show Arabia Standard Time, which is three hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time.

This enormous clock, in addition to giving the Saudis something else on which to throw away all that money we pay them for oil, will allow ultra-pious Wahhabis to know to the second what time the next public flogging or amputation of hands will be carried out. This is even meaner than Greenwich time.

The other time story deals with the problem of leap seconds. Next month, the member states of the International Telecommunications Union decide whether to change the world's standard of time. Today, coordinated universal time (UTC) is the official scale used all over the world for time coordination (at least, until the Saudis finish their megaclock). The UTC standard was adopted in 1972 and was based on atomic clocks (which measure time according to the vibration rates of atoms); previously, everyone had used astronomical time, which is based on the Earth's rate of rotation. Unfortunately, the atomic time scale and the astronomical one gradually slip out of sync, requiring occasional additions of one-second corrections. This worked fine for a while, but today, most systems we use for telecommunications - and particularly satellite navigation and timing systems like GPS, GLONASS, and Beidou tend to be confused by these "leap seconds." So in January the ITU will vote on dropping the leap second.

Why should you care? Well, wouldn't you want to know - with the greatest possible degree of accuracy - the exact time at which Congress actually manages to do something? Such a moment would certainly be of great importance to historians and would need to be precisely documented. We can't have any pesky "leap seconds" interfering with the ability to know what time the Congressional Clown Show's latest act begins, can we?

Well, enough about time. It's time to get dressed, take Nessa for a walk, and head off to work. After all, I need to be there on time. And that would be Eastern Daylight Time, which is six hours after GMT, nine hours after Arabian Standard Time, and just way too darned early in any case.

Have a good day. More timely thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Words We Learned This Year

2011-12-27T04:39:00.004-05:00

Hey, I just discovered that my 2000^th post and my Blogoversary will probably fall close together, and maybe even on the same day! How cool would that be?

Well, okay, I thought it was cool. Never mind.

As we creep tiredly down the home stretch toward 2012, it's a time for reflecting on the year gone by. It's a time for lists - lists of the good, the bad, the best, the worst, the top news stories, etc, etc. Being a linguistics buff, I thought this particular list was especially interesting: Ten Words We Learned in 2011. In case you don't want to read the entire article, here's the list ... with my commentary, of course:

Supercommittee. Well, it turned out to be less super than expected, and the expectations were pretty minuscule anyhow. If Congress acted by the same laws they impose on the rest of the country, truth in advertising laws would have required the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction to have been called The Grand Assembly of Useless Windbags. The only thing it accomplished was to create a half-assed website, the final entry on which was an admission of defeat.

Rapture. The world didn't end. Again. Better luck in 2012, "Reverend" Camping ... perhaps you can hook up with the Mayans and try again.

Cone of Uncertainty. It has to do with the projected path of hurricanes. It may also refer to the sort of hat that should be worn by certain presidential wannabes. See "Oops" and "Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan" below...

Endgame. I don't know how I missed this one for my Justifiable Verbicide post a few weeks ago. Is there such a thing as a "startgame?" I thought not.

Bunga Bunga. The only thing for which Silvio Berlusconi will probably be remembered. Related to Bada-Bing?

Tebow. I thought it was the end of the boat opposite from the stern, but I guess I was wrong. And it even has its own website. Oy.

Gunwalking. Just another black eye for those with a near-sexual fascination for their rights (not responsibilities) under the Second Amendment.

Human Microphone. Similar to the old party game in which one person whispers a message to another, and the message gets passed from ear to ear until the last recipient gets a message that is totally unrelated to the original one.

Oops. What Texans ... and everyone else ... ought to be saying about Rick Perry.

Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan. Even given the miserable foreign policy credentials of the average Republican presidential wannabe, Herman Cain hit new heights (or is it, plumbed new depths) of ineptitude about the world we live in.

Well, that was 2011 in words we learned. Or re-learned. Or learned to hate. What words are on your list of the top expressions of the past year? Leave a comment or send me an e-mail and let me know. And while you're at it, you don't have much time left to vote for your favorite candidates for Ass Clown of the Year. The top three vote-getters so far are:

The GOP - 43 votes;

Congress - 42 votes; and,

Saudi Arabia - 35 votes.

Newt Gingrich is at the bottom of the leader board with a mere three votes.

So get cracking, folks! Cast your votes now ... since we're using Chicago/DC voting rules, you can vote multiple times for multiple candidates, and your pets, deceased relatives, and imaginary friends can vote, too. Balloting closes at 11:59 PM on December 30^th and we'll announce the results on December 31^st. Vote early, vote often ... let your voice(s) be heard!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Have Yourself a Digital Little Christmas

2011-12-26T04:51:00.003-05:00

Well, Christmas is over for another year. The packages have been unwrapped, the gifts examined and gushed over, the big dinner eaten, and all the pretty wrapping paper stuffed into bags and set out for the trash collector. And we'll do it all again in another 365 days or so, because that's what we do. Unless, of course, you are a Nigerian Islamic radical, in which case you'll blow up a few churches because you are a stupid psycho who thinks it's okay to kill people who don't believe the same way you do.

Christmas customs around the world vary quite a bit, don't they?

But my post-Christmas rant is not about religious bigots who are busy creating their own hell. It's about digital movies.

There was a time, not so long ago, when you went to the movies in a theater. You sat in a soft chair (usually behind someone large enough to block your view), ate overpriced popcorn, and then went home with the memory. Then the movies came to you on television. Soon they were available on VHS (or Beta) tapes you could buy or borrow to watch whenever you wanted. Then came DVDs. Then came Blu-Ray discs. And then came the digital download.

This is why God invented aspirin.

One of the gifts Agnes gave me for Christmas was a "combo pack" of the movie Cowboys and Aliens (the 21st century successor to such low-tech film classics as Billy the Kid vs Dracula). The "combo pack" includes a DVD, a Blu-Ray disc, and a coupon which allows me to obtain a digital copy of the film to play on my home computer, laptop, or tablet. How cool is that? Next, they'll be beaming the movie directly into my skull via satellite.

Well, not so fast, buckaroo. I sat down at my computer this morning to download my digital copy, a process that used to be quick and simple: you put the disc into the computer, selected the connection to the download website from the disc menu, poked in your 9,796-character redemption code, and the electrons marched down the digital highway to your computer and arranged themselves in proper formation for future viewing.

But that was obviously too easy. Now, there's a system called Ultraviolet, designed by the great-grandson of the Marquis de Sade, which requires you to give up vast amounts of personal information to create multiple accounts in order to not allow you to download the movie for which you have paid. It took me a great deal of time and agony to work my way through Ultraviolet's insanely complicated system, only to be petulantly told that my redemption code was rejected because it had already been used ... obviously by someone who carefully opened up the shrink-wrapped case, copied the code, downloaded my movie, and cleverly re-sealed the package.

I took a few minutes to send a blisteringly uncomplimentary e-mail to the Ultraviolet feedback address, where it will probably be outsourced to some Nigerian psycho who will try to blow up my computer for not acknowledging that Ultraviolet is the final and ultimate revealed way to get your movies.

It didn't take long to get over that Christmas spirit, did it?

But I'm going to take a few deep breaths, center myself, and spend my last day of Christmas vacation doing as little as humanly possible. I'm going to relax, watch my movie (from the Blu-Ray disc, of course), eat leftover Christmas dinner, and generally vegitate before having to return to the office tomorrow.

And who knows? - perhaps, in spite of all expectations to the contrary, someone at Ultraviolet might contact me with an apology and my digital download.

And Dracula might beat Billy the Kid, too.

Have a good day. Enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Guest Post - Merry Canine Christmas, 2011!

2011-12-25T05:10:00.004-05:00

Hey there, again! It's me, Nessa!

Merry Christmas!

Bilbo and Agnes are still asleep, and so I thought I'd get on the keyboard and share some of my thoughts with you while they rest up for the busy day that's coming up. I should do that, too (rest up, I mean), but we dogs have our jobs to do, too ... and that means making sure that this Santa character who breaks into houses at Christmas time gets chased off. I know he usually leaves stuff, rather than stealing it, but nobody comes into this house without my hysterical barking and sniff of approval. Those reindeer are just lucky I can't get up onto the roof ...

I told you last year what we dogs think about at Christmas time. You can go back and read it here if you're new to this blog since then ... go ahead and read while I go downstairs and check out the chimney again. I'll be back.

Okay, I'm back. No sign of that Santa person. Good thing, too ... somehow I think that if I barked loud enough to scare him off, it would wake up Bilbo and Agnes, and even though I was doing the right thing, I might get yelled at and told to be quiet. It's not easy being a watchful dog sometimes.

But let's get back to this Christmas thing. I haven't seen anything in the past year that would make me change my mind about it. You humans are still acting dumb (Bilbo thinks some of you are so dumb that he has a special award for it ... he even let me vote!). I'm not sure about this Congress that Bilbo keeps ranting about ... to hear him talk, it seems to be about as useless as a bunch of cats, except that cats can catch mice and this Congress thing doesn't look like it could even catch a cold.

The whole thing about giving each other gifts is pretty nice, and I like it (especially since Agnes always makes sure that I get a nice big bone or a new toy or something, too), but why do you have to wait all year to be nice to each other for a couple of days? It seems to me that you ought to be able to be nice all year long. What's the matter ... are you waiting for someone to pat you on the head and say, "Good Person!"?

And then there's this dumb thing about whether or not you should celebrate Christmas at all. Instead of thinking about this as a time when you have an excuse to act the way you should all year, lots of you spend time arguing about whether or not it's unconstitutional (whatever that means) to have a nativity scene, or even use the word Christmas. Did you know that in Bilbo's home town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, they used to call it Sparkle Season instead of Christmas? How stupid is that? And don't talk about how the season is going to the dogs ... you don't see us acting that dumb.

So from this old dog's perspective, here's what you should do today:

Be nice to each other.

Make sure your children have a happy day full of wonder and joy and love ... they'll have a lot of years ahead to get bitter and cynical on their own.

Be safe and happy, even if it's only for one day a year.

And chase a cat or a squirrel or something. It may not be as satisfying as chasing one of those Congress persons, but you probably won't go to jail for it.

On behalf of all dogs everywhere, have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season. And remember us while you're at it ... like I told you last year at this time, you may not love each other except this one time a year, but you can always count on us to love you, no matter what.

Woof!

Nessa

Cartoon Saturday - The Christmas Edition

2011-12-24T07:05:00.004-05:00

Well, the Christmas holiday is off to a flying start ... yesterday I came down with the Cold from Hell, just in time to have to miss the Christmas dance party. Agnes fixed me her standard cold and fever remedy - a big mug of hot rum spiked with a dash of tea, followed by a dose of NyQuil. I was in bed by 9 last night, and didn't get up this morning until 6:30. Still feel out of sorts, but much better than yesterday.

But you didn't come here to listen to my problems ...

Thousands of people in Moscow demonstrated for fair elections amid claims of electoral fraud in the balloting that returned Vladimir Putin to power earlier this month; professional self-aggrandizing windbag Donald Trump has changed his political affiliation from "Republican" to "unaffiliated" and publicly denounced GOP behavior; "Vatican.xxx" has been placed on the "permanent reserve" list to prevent its use as an online porn address; The French Ministry of Health has announced that the government will pay to remove silicone breast implants from about 30,000 women over concerns that leakage of the silicone filler could lead to a rare form of cancer; and in Egypt, the savage beating of "The Girl in the Blue Bra" by military police has rallied women to protest government oppression in the wake of the revolution earlier this year that was supposed to eliminate ... government oppression.

Peace on Earth, good will toward men, blah, blah, blah...

You may not believe it, but hyperconservative Republicans do, in fact, celebrate Christmas ...

What would Cartoon Saturday be without at least one gawd-awful thematic pun ...?

Better check your plan if your true love gives you those calling birds ...

It's all in how you look at it ...

Oh, heck, how about another pun ...

The parts that don't make it into the history books ...

Lots of businesses are cutting back on their Christmas celebrations and bonuses this year (unless, of course, you are a Wall Street tycoon or a major banker) ...

There are decorations and there are decorations ...

And finally, I'm sure you've wondered about this, too ...

You can learn about frankincense and myrrh here. Be sure to read all the pages.

And that's it for this year's Christmas edition of Cartoon Saturday. I hope you have a safe and relaxing holiday with your families and friends, and that the spirit of Christmas will help carry you through times that are politically and economically difficult. Hang in there, and keep visiting Santa Bilbo for the latest commentary on all the naked emperors out there.

Have a good day and a Merry Christmas! More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

More Editorial Gems

2011-12-23T05:28:00.006-05:00

I'm on "vacation" today, which means there are a million chores to be run so that we can enjoy the two days of Christmas celebration tomorrow and Sunday. That being the case, in the interest of sparing time, we'll just take a look at a few more great moments in editing ...

What would you keep in a hundred-year old computer cabinet ... an abacus?

There goes the neighborhood ...

I imagine it can be tough for real estate agents to keep coming up with jazzy ways to describe tired properties, but this one went a bit far ... and can't spell, either ...

If only it were this inexpensive ...

Sometimes, you've just got to call a spade a ... pointy shovel ...

You just know there's another story here, but you probably don't want to hear it ...

Is certain death a pre-existing condition ... ?

I'm reminded of the movie, A Mighty Wind ...

There's an art to descriptive language ...

And finally, a gift idea for that hard-to-shop-for fellow you don't like very much ...

Turning to the current standings in the Ass Clown of the Year balloting, the top five places on the leader board are:

The GOP - 39 votes

Congress - 36 votes

Saudi Arabia - 34 votes

The Democratic Party - 17 votes

Lindsey Lohan - 14 votes

We have a new entry in the voting this week, as GOP blowhard and presidential wannabe Newt Gingrich has received a single vote ... clearly cast by someone who actually listens to what he's been saying. On a related topic, you may want to closely study this picture of Mr Gingrich ...

... and then go back and read my post from June 21^st of this year. Coincidence? I think not.

Be sure to vote for the Ass Clowns of your choice today ... and tomorrow ... and every day between now and December 30^th. Let your voice (and your pets' voices, and the voices in your head) be heard!

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow for the Christmas Edition of Cartoon Saturday.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Of Seasonal and Political Solstices

2011-12-22T04:45:00.005-05:00

Today is the Winter Solstice - the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, and the official start of winter. If Seasonal Affective Disorder is your thing, today is your day. The phenomenon of the Winter (and Summer) Solstices is governed by the tilt of the earth as it rotates on its axis ... at the Winter Solstice, the northern hemisphere is tilted away from the Sun, resulting in shorter days and longer nights ...

Religions and cultures around the world have many different rituals and ceremonies that revolve around the Winter Solstice. Many of them deal with concepts of rebirth, or with the emergence from darkness to light, as the days will now begin - however slowly - to get longer, if not warmer. Because it takes a long time for the oceans to heat and cool, at the date of the Winter Solstice the seas are still relatively warm from the summer; thus, the coldest winter days don't usually arrive until mid-February, when the oceans have had a chance to cool down significantly. For the same reason, the hottest days of summer don't usually arrive until August, although the Summer Solstice actually occurs in June.

It occurs to me that perhaps we need a political, rather than a seasonal solstice. Right about now we could use a little tilt on our political and social axes away from cold, darkness of spirit, and hyperpartisan discord, and a resultant emergence from the darkness of partisan rancor to the warmth and light of ... well ... bipartisan rancor.

Stranger things have happened.

Have a good day. Spend those extra hours of cold and darkness cuddled up with your loved one. Or your spouse, whatever.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Christmas Mondegreens and Other Lyrical Thoughts

2011-12-21T04:44:00.007-05:00

If you've managed to grit your teeth and stick it out with me for any length of time, you know that I love language in all its various permutations and combinations, and especially puns and other word-based humor. One of the interesting things you can do with language is create mondegreens, or song lyrics that have been (often bizarrely) misunderstood. One of the classic mondegreens is "there's a bathroom on the right" ... which, in the original song by Creedence Clearwater Revival, actually read "...there's a bad moon on the rise."

For the fast-approaching holiday season, here's a collection of mondegreens from popular Christmas songs ...

"Deck the halls with Buddy Holly;"

"We three kings of porridge and tar;"

"On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me;"

"Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire;"

"He's makin' a list, chicken and rice;"

"Noel, Noel - Barney's the king of Israel;"

"With the jelly toast proclaim;"

"Olive, the other reindeer;"

"Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, they say;"

"Sleep in heavenly peas;"

"In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown;"

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in listerine;"

"Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay;"

"O come, froggy faithful;"

"You'll tell Carol, 'Be a skunk, I require'."

On a somewhat related topic, consider the song Frosty the Snowman and the lyric quoted above. You may have noted over the years that there are two versions of the song "Frosty the Snowman." One version (which, I think, was the original) contains the lines

In the meadow, we can build a snowman

And pretend that he's is Parson Brown.

He'll say, "Are you married?", we'll say, "No, man,"

"But you can do the job when you're in town."

In the other version, that same section reads,

In the meadow we can build a snowman

And pretend that he's a circus clown.

We'll have lots of fun with Mr Snowman

Until the other children knock him down."

Why do we have two versions of the song? I believe - without evidence, but with strong suspicion - that the Parson Brown version was frowned upon by rigidly upright religious types who didn't think it was appropriate for young people singing Christmas songs to think about things that related (however tangentially) to ... gasp! ... sex.

There's a similar change of lyrics in Jimmy Buffet's song Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes ... the original song contains the line ...

Good times and riches and son-of-a-bitches,

I've seen more than I can recall.

... which morphs in another version into

Good times and riches, some brooms and some switches,

I've seen more than I can recall.

For the record, I think the original is the one that makes sense, but I suspect that the use of the term son-of-a-bitches was too much for the tender ears of some listeners.

And now, lest I impose too much on your tender ears ... and eyes ... I'll take Nessa for a walk and head off to work.

Have a good day. Post your favorite mondegreens in the comments. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The 14 Biggest Lies of 2011

2011-12-20T04:42:00.004-05:00

When I saw that headline on the Foreign Policy magazine website, I just had to read the entire article, written by David Rothkopf. You can read it yourself here. These are my favorites:

“The war in Iraq is finally over after 9 years.” For us, and for the moment, maybe. I can't help thinking about Colin Powell's Pottery Barn warning - "if you break it, you've bought it."

“America’s mission in Iraq was a success.” I can't do much better than Mr Rothkopf's summary: "The place is divided, undemocratic, heavily influenced by Iran, corrupt, and our invasion cost $1 trillion, thousands of U.S. lives, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi lives, and our national reputation. Look in the dictionary next to fiasco. There’s a little picture of a dude in a flight jacket standing on a carrier deck in front of a 'Mission Accomplished' banner."

“Pakistan is America’s ally.” Read all about it in Jeffrey Goldberg and Marc Armbinder's article The Ally from Hell.

A tie between “Republicans are the problem” and “Democrats are the problem.” As Mr Rothkopf points out, the real problem is money. He goes on to say, "The system is so resolutely corrupt that recent scandals have only resulted in more money flowing into the system and past reforms being undone." And you've heard me complain enough about how the Supreme Court sold our government to big business and the wealthy.

"Cutting the taxes of millionaires helps creates U.S. jobs.” This one is so obviously laughable that it really shouldn't be taking up space on the list that could be used by a more worthy lie. Of course, if you're a millionaire ... or a Republican ... or a millionaire Republican ... it makes perfect sense. Good luck getting Real People to believe it.

And, finally, my personal favorite:

“Only 9 percent of Americans approve of Congress.” This is an obvious howler ... nobody could possibly believe that so many Americans approve of this embarrassing clown show that has made our government a laughingstock and squandered whatever was left of our international standing after our deadly escapade in Iraq.

Here's what you really need for Christmas ...

Read the whole article, then be sure to cast your votes ... again, if necessary ... for the Ass Clown of the Year Award. At the moment, the top vote-getters are:

Saudi Arabia, with 34 votes;

The GOP, with 31 votes; and,

Congress, with 30 votes.

Let your voice be heard - balloting closes at 11:59 PM on December 30th.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Missions: Impossible

2011-12-19T04:40:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite guilty pleasure TV shows when I was growing up was Mission: Impossible. It was exciting, exotic, and you always knew that the bad guys were really bad and that, in the end, the villain would be standing there with a bewildered look, victim of an ingenious plot that left him wondering if anyone got the number of the bus that just ran him down. This was the original cast (well, the sort of original cast, as the chief of the IMF in the first season was played by Stephen Hill, who was replaced by Peter Graves in subsequent seasons):

I loved the show because of its intricate plots, and because I always knew the good guys would win in the end. Much of the attraction for me was that the IMFs plans relied on clever subterfuge, disguises, and psychology rather than raw physical action.

Fast forward to 2011, where the fourth film in the Mission: Impossible series, Ghost Protocol, has just hit theaters with a cinematic bang. It's getting good reviews, and will no doubt make its director and cast thousands of cubic feet of thousand dollar bills. But to me, it's just not the same.

The TV show relied on intricate plots, timing, clever disguises, and applied psychology. There were very few high-speed car chases, huge explosions, and wild, choreographed fight scenes. The members of the IMF were in and out before the bad guys ever knew they were there, and they usually left a confused and broken villain, rather than blazing piles of wreckage. They were clever, fearless, and completely unbelievable ... but they were my heroes.

The movies, on the other hand, reflect the current emphasis on wild stunts, huge explosions, and high-tech wizardry. When the curtain falls, the bad guy is still out of business, but your ears are ringing and your eyes hurt from the pyrotechnics. And Tom Cruise is no Peter Graves. Or Stephen Hill, for that matter.

It's just not the same thing.

My favorite episode of the original show was the 1967 episode titled "The Train," in which the IMF had to convince the dying president of a country that his chosen successor was actually a despicable snake just waiting for him to die so he could seize power and become a dictator. The team hijacked the train carrying the president to a distant hospital for treatment and staged an accident to set up a situation in which the bad guy, thinking the president was dead, would reveal his true colors. It was completely unbelievable, but cleverly staged with low-tech special effects and psychological manipulation. At the climax, when the fake walls of the hospital room were rolled away to reveal the sick president sadly looking on the protege who he realizes has just betrayed him, you can't help but cheer.

Another great episode was the two-part "Old Man Out," in which the IMF team was assigned to rescue a elderly religious leader from an escape-proof prison. You knew they'd get him out in the end, but there were enough twists and kinks in the plot that you were kept on the edge of your seat. The actual escape was a thrilling slide-for-life high over the heads of a crowd while the IMF team distracted everyone with a dangerous high-wire circus act.

I'll watch Ghost Protocol, just like I've watched the other three Mission: Impossible movies, and I'll enjoy it. But it just won't be the same as watching Peter Graves and his team make the world safe for ... well ... what we used to call democracy.

Have a good day. Enjoy the movie, but check out the original series.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Redistricting Game

2011-12-18T06:45:00.003-05:00

My friend and co-worker Andy sent me a link the other day to a very interesting game sponsored by the USC Annenberg Center for Communications: The Redistricting Game. It's a game which allows you to design your own Congressional redistricting plan for the mythical state of Jefferson, either in a typically superpartisan fashion which protects single-party power in districts which have nothing whatsoever to do with demographic and social reality, or in a bipartisan fashion which can work along existing political (city, county, parish - for you, Angelique), or similar lines. Andy also provided a link to a similar site sponsored by the Columbia University Law School - DrawCongress.org.

One of the reasons we have such ridiculous gridlock and hyperpartisan ass clownery in Congress is that both parties have used their power at the state and local levels to "gerrymander" voting districts into bizarre shapes intended to create electorally safe seats and maximize the power of a single party in that district. Here's a classic example of gerrymandering ... Illinois Congressional District 4:

There are those who believe that gerrymandering can be a force for good, as when the government creates federal voting district boundaries that produce a majority of constituents representative of racial minorities. I disagree. I believe that any type of artificial construct designed to maximize the power of any single group - political, racial, or social - is unfair and unjust. In my own opinion, however humble, I think that voting districts should line up with the existing boundaries of organization and governance. Anything else builds in the ability for fraud and the gross distortion of the political system that has led us to our current unfortunate state of gridlock.

Play the game. Then throw the bums out.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2011-12-17T05:41:00.005-05:00

Off to the races ...

Nearly 200 people are dead and over 400 missing after a tropical storm battered the Philippines; a fraternity chapter in Vermont has been closed after disclosure that the members participated in a survey asking who they would like to rape; a gunman in southern California killed at least two people before shooting himself, and police are still trying to find if there are other victims ... in a related story, an NRA spokesman said guns had nothing to do with it; essayist Christopher Hitchens died at the age of 62; and the Senate may sometime today vote on ... and, perhaps, even approve ... a compromise spending agreement approved by the House that will (for the moment) avoid a government shutdown ... the compromise was reached only after members of Congress realized that they would miss their Christmas vacations if they didn't actually do something vaguely resembling their jobs.

I couldn't make this stuff up.

There really isn't very much about the Tea Party that's funny, but at least it can serve as a starting point for some good cartoons ...

There are some song lyrics out there that I'll never be able quite to figure out, even after reading some explanations ... but which can also make some good cartoons ...

Two riffs on a scene from the movies ...

And ...

As the year comes to a close, we look back at how we - the brave 99% - fared in the ongoing economic turmoil ...

Many companies are looking for lower-cost alternatives to expensive health-care plans for their employees ...

This one goes out to Heidi ...

And this one goes out to my fellow dancers ...

Remember my post about the joys of furniture from Ikea? My nephew Ed back in Pennsylvania sent me this cartoon, which applies ...

And finally, I think I may have found the root of my financial woes ...

It's going to be a moderately busy weekend. We'll be visiting the local shopping center later this morning with about 737,000,000 of our closest friends to pick up some last-minute things, and then this evening we plan to go to the Christmas party at Dance Studio Lioudmila. Tomorrow we'll visit the local grandchildren, then have dinner with one of our friends who is anxious to try out her culinary skills on us. It's all good.

For those of you following the balloting for the Ass Clown of the Year Award to be presented here on December 31st, here are the current standings:

Congress and The GOP are tied for first place at 30 votes each;

Saudi Arabia is a distant second with 14;

The Democratic Party and The Media are tied for third at 10 votes each;

Lindsey Lohan - 5;

Kim Kardashian - 4; and,

The National Rifle Association - 3.

There's still plenty of time to vote, and a lot of eligible candidates. Let your voice ... and your dog's voice ... and the voices in your head ... be heard.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Christmas Gifts

2011-12-16T04:42:00.005-05:00

This is the time of year for making lists. Santa makes his and checks it twice, and the rest of us make our own lists of the gifts we would like to give to our family and friends. One of the traditions in our family is that, shortly after the Fourth of July, Agnes asks me for a list of things I might like to have for Christmas. I think hard, then give her a list. She loses it and asks me to give her a new list. I do so. She loses that one. We repeat this Kabuki dance several more times, until she gives up and just buys whatever she thinks I should have. Then, sometime in mid-February, she cleans out her purse, finds 87 crumpled copies of my list, and throws them all away.

It's an odd tradition, but we're comfortable with it.

But speaking of gifts ...

You may have seen this article on the CNN Money website: The 15 Worst Items to Put on Your Holiday Wish List. You can read the entire article for yourself, but here are a few of the amazing items that are available for you to give to someone you don't like very much ...

A Pre-Need Cremation Plan. Buy it now ... it's the year's hot item. If this doesn't appeal to you, consider as an alternative the Everybody Coffin Kit.

The Automated Ukelele Band Machine. It's hard to come up with something worse than rap "music," but someone has done it.

A 10-pound Bag of Assorted "4th Quality" Bones. When an ordinary jigsaw puzzle just won't do as a gift for your favorite serial killer.

A Jug of Wolf Urine. When you really want to give the gift of piss on earth.

And,

A Rare Catholic Monstrance. It's silver under gold plating, was crafted sometime between 1895 and 1921, and is a steal at $25,000. Buy two. And why on earth is something designed to hold something that is holy called a monstrance? The word derives from the Latin monstrare, meaning "to show" ... the same root that gives us the word demonstrate. You're welcome.

If you were looking for an appropriate gift to give to your useless Congressional reprehensive, and the old standbys of coal

and sawdust

are just too ordinary, you might give these a try. And if all else fails, there's the tradition of regifting ...

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ceaseless efforts to help you avoid some of the stress of the holidays.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - don't forget to keep casting your votes (and those of your pets and deceased relatives) for the Ass Clown of the Year. Balloting is heavy so far, with Congress holding a comfortable lead, the GOP in second place, the Democratic Party and Saudi Arabia tied for third, and Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan as early write-ins. Vote early, vote often. The award will be presented on December 31st.

The Christmas Doll, and a Reminder to Vote

2011-12-15T04:45:00.005-05:00

I have a long list of things about which to write, but I just couldn't pass up this one ... not least because it requires very little work on my part, and I'm tired this morning.

My friend Bob sent me this story. According to the introduction, it was the grand prize winner in a contest sponsored by the Louisville Sentinel in 1999 for the best family Christmas dinner story. Actually, according to Snopes.com, it was written by comedian Jeff ("You Might Be a Redneck If...") Foxworthy, and there is no such newspaper as the Louisville Sentinel. No matter ... it's a wonderful story. Enjoy ...

"As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

"What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

"One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

"If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

"I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

"Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

"To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

"On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

"My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

"The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

"We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

"My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

"My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

"'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

"I kept my mouth shut.

"'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

"'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

"But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

"Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

"My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

"A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

"The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

"Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

"It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

"Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

"Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

"I can't wait until next Christmas."

You'll excuse me, of course, for not including an illustration (as I'd considered doing). You're welcome.

Tomorrow, we'll get back to other important topics, including the balloting for the Ass Clown of the Year Award. So far, the results are:

Saudi Arabia: 3

The Republican Party: 3

The Democratic Party: 2

Congress (both houses): 12

The National Rifle Association: 3

The Media: 1

Be sure to cast your votes for the dishonorees of your choice by 11:59PM on December 30th. The award will be presented here on December 31st (I know it's a Saturday, but don't worry ... Cartoon Saturday will appear as usual). Remember the ground rules for the contest:

1. Vote early.

2. Because we're using Chicago and DC voting rules, you can vote as often as you want, for any or all candidates. Your pets, deceased relatives, and imaginary friends can vote, too.

3. You are not limited to the starting list of candidates in the contest announcement - write-ins are welcome.

4. You may vote for anyone in any country.

Have a good day. Enjoy your dinner, and be sure to vote - early, often, and for the ass clowns of your choice. Your vote in the 2012 election may not count for much unless you're a major corporation or campaign donor, but at least here, your voice will be heard.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cast Your Votes Now!

2011-12-14T04:42:00.005-05:00

The end of the year is traditionally a time for summing up, for looking back over the past 12 months and taking stock of where we've been as we look ahead to where we're headed in the coming year. This year, it's hard: the past year has been abysmal on many points, and the year ahead promises to be a swamp of political and social yuck.

And so, Dear Readers, as a way of summing up and looking ahead, today we open the voting for Bilbo's first annual Ass Clown of the Year Award.

There is no shortage of promising candidates for this high dishonor. I offer the following candidates for your consideration, although you are free to vote for the Ass Clown of your choice:

Candidate 1. The Government and Religious Establishment of Saudi Arabia. Where else in the 21st century could you find a group of leaders so misogynistic and mentally and morally ossified that they would execute one woman for sorcery and sentence another to ten lashes for driving a car?

Candidate 2. The Republican Party (individually and collectively), for its "my way or the highway" approach to governance, striving every day to attain new heights of hypocrisy and betrayal of conservative ideals in search of political power while protecting big business and the wealthy at the expense of the middle and lower economic classes.

Candidate 3. The Democratic Party (individually and collectively), for its failure to recognize that it's cherished social programs are no longer sustainable, and failing to provide a compelling and affordable alternative to the rigid hyperconservatism and xenophobia of the GOP.

Candidate 4. The United States Congress (Both Houses), for its relentless focus on partisan posturing, shameless finger-pointing, and consistent avoidance of responsibility. At a time when principled leadership, compassion, and a willingness in good faith to seek the very best ideas to solve the nation's problems are desperately needed, our Congress does ... nothing.

And,

Candidate 5. The National Rifle Association, for its absolute insistence on totally unrestricted ownership and carrying of deadly weapons everywhere at all times, and for its head-in-the-sand denial of the carnage caused by the availability of high-powered, large-magazine semiautomatic firearms. The Second Amendment gives us the right to keep and bear arms. It doesn't give us the right to be stupid.

I will present the Ass Clown of the Year Award for 2011 in this space on December 31st. Vote early for the dishonoree of your choice. You can cast your vote as a comment to any post between now and December 30th, or you can e-mail it to me at der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. In the spirit of modern American politics, you may vote as often as you like, and for more than one candidate. You may vote for anyone in any country. Write-ins are encouraged. It won't change anything, but it will make you feel better.

Have a good day. Vote early, vote often - somewhere out there, the year's top Ass Clown is waiting anxiously for your support.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Everyone But the Bastard Who Designed These Lights ...

2011-12-13T04:44:00.009-05:00

First things first ...

From the Department of With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies comes this story: Saudi Arabia Executes Woman Accused of "Sorcery." Yes, Dear Readers, Saudi Arabia, that shining example of peace, goodwill, and generous humanity that worships a God always described as "merciful and compassionate," not satisfied with sentencing a woman to ten lashes for the hideous crime of driving a car, has executed another woman for witchcraft.

Ah, the joys of living in a theocracy. 'Tis the season to be jolly, peace on earth and goodwill toward men, blah, blah, blah.

There's a reason the Founders decided on a separation of church and state.

But let's talk about more pleasant things as we approach Christmas ... let's talk about decorating the house.

One of the inexpressible joys of the season is decorating the house with happy, twinkling, multicolored lights. Of course, you have to do a few things before the house twinkles happily:

1. Find box with lights, which is in a remote corner of the attic underneath several other heavy boxes.

2. Remove lights from box. Discover strings of lights are compressed into an intricately-tangled ball.

3. Spend four days separating said intricately-tangled ball into individual strings of lights.

4. Discover that at least 15 lights on each string do not light.

5. Go to store, buy replacement bulbs.

6. Spend another four days replacing all bulbs which do not light.

7. Risk life and limb on a teetering ladder to hang strings of lights from inaccessible corners of house roof.

8. Plug in lights; discover that 50% of strands that worked perfectly in the house petulantly refuse to light now that they are in place.

9. Decide the house looks okay, anyhow.

10. Enjoy that spiked egg nog.

I long ago lost one of my favorite holiday cartoons: it was an overhead view of a neighborhood in which every house but one was ablaze with holiday lights and animated displays. We look down from above and behind this house, in front of which a group of people confronts a single, frowning fellow whose house has but one decoration ... a row of lights across the peak of the roof spelling out, "Ah, #%$! it." The caption of the cartoon is, "We're from the decoration committee..."

Our neighborhood is festooned with so many lights and displays that it can be seen from Neptune. Our house has minimal outside decorations, because I really don't want to risk my life on an extension ladder and I refuse to put up those tacky animated, lighted deer or an inflatable snow globe that blows plastic snow over a schlocky-looking plastic Santa. And you can't have plain old lights any more ... they have to change colors, blink in time to Christmas music, and morph to spell out seasonal messages like "Santa Stop Here," "Reindeer Landing Strip on Top of House," and "Witches Will Be Executed" (oops ... that last one was for Christmas in Saudi Arabia).

Ah, Christmas decorations! Just one more reason to love the holiday season!

Have a good day. Enjoy those lights. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Oh, Come, All Ye Seasonally Overwrought ...

2011-12-12T04:42:00.004-05:00

We are now officially into the Christmas season, which began unofficially in most major retail establishments just after the Fourth of July. Trees twinkle with lights, the streets are draped with garlands of artificial pine, commercials extol the holiday virtues of everything from high-tech toys to ladies' depilatories, and Christmas music blares from every direction.

I don't think I would have liked Ebeneezer Scrooge, but there are days I think I understand him.

Let's talk for a moment about the music of Christmas.

I admit it ... I'm an emotional sucker for Christmas music. I can get teary listening to a good version of The Little Drummer Boy, and I get flashbacks to an earlier and simpler time when I hear the old standbys like White Christmas, Jingle Bells, and Adeste Fideles. But there are also the holiday clinkers, like Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, which can drive me to wear four sets of noise-canceling headsets at once. We have a wide range of Christmas songs from the religious (Silent Night) to the secular (O, Christmas Tree). Even rap "musicians" can get into the act (Silent &*^#! Night, %@!#). There's something for everybody.

Apropos of Christmas songs, I read a very interesting article a few weeks ago: Christmas Carols: Why We Keep Singing Them, by Nathan Heller. You have to love an article that contains this wonderful passage:

"At face value, the Christmas carol may be the least captivating style of occasional song. While other popular tunes arise from passion or desire, heroism or defeat, the Yuletide songbook is a catalog of modest thrills and postindustrial neuroses. A quick survey turns up portraits of manic stress release (Jingle Bells), overwrought hallucination (Do You Hear What I Hear?), complex Freudian trauma (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus), desperate midlife lechery (Baby, It’s Cold Outside), forced enthusiasm (It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year), and thinly veiled xenophobia (Dominick the Donkey … the Italian Christmas Donkey)."

Betcha never thought about Christmas songs in that way, did you?

Consider that we don't have a huge canon of music for other holidays. When was the last time you went from house to house in the evening, stopping by each residence to sing an Arbor Day song? Why don't we have books of Martin Luther King Day carols?

I think we enjoy Christmas carols for a lot of reasons. Because they remind us of our safer, happier, less-complicated youth. Because they provide some cheer in an otherwise cold, bleak time of the year. Because they help us celebrate surviving another year of Congressional hypocrisy and ineptitude.

Whatever the reason we sing them, however tired we get of them by the time the season is over, we love our Christmas songs. So join me in a rousing chorus of Good King Wenceslaus, raise that cup of egg nog high, and let's toast the season when we act like the people we should be the rest of the year.

Have a good day. Enjoy the music.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Justifiable Verbicide

2011-12-11T06:56:00.004-05:00

Are there expressions you're sick unto death of hearing all the time? Phrases that have lost all meaning because of overuse and are now nothing more than verbal ballast that holds down the impact of more important thoughts?

You're not alone. This article I found the other day lists and discusses some of the most egregious examples of useless business jargon assailing your ears today. Here's their "top" ten list:

Outside the box. The only thing this expression is good for is generating cartoons, such as ...

And,

Low-hanging fruit. We lazy people like low-hanging fruit. Picking it saves time and energy.

Synergy. Sinning, but with plenty of oomph behind it?

Loop me in. Reminds me of the famous Sam Goodwyn comment, "Include me out!".

Best of breed. Does anyone (except Republican and Democratic campaign committees, of course) ever try to select the worst of breed?

Incentivize. Whatever happened to the good old, make it worth your while?

Mission-critical. I guess plain old essential just doesn't have the necessary gravitas any more.

Bring to the table. No thanks. Just leave your dumbass idea over there, please.

Value-add. Actually, I could get to like the concept of value-add(ed), particularly in an election season. Unfortunately, nobody in any political party has anything of value to add.

Elevator pitch. Which, oddly enough, is not something you use to waterproof your elevator.

There are others that didn't make the list for some reason which are just as bad. I don't know how they could possibly have missed "At the end of the day," for instance.

There's an old New England saying that admonishes us to "Never break the silence unless you can improve on it." Wouldn't it be nice if more people took that advice?

As I am going to do now.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2011-12-10T10:46:00.004-05:00

Off to a late start this morning, since I slept pretty late after a great dance party last night ... but better late than never, eh? Here we go ...

Iran claims to have shot down an American reconnaissance drone ... which, on the Iranian news broadcasts, appears to have suffered no damage from being shot down; GOP gadfly and presidential wannabe Newt Gingrich has irritated the Palestinians by describing them as an "invented people;" a gunman has murdered a police officer and then killed himself at Virginia Tech University, where another gunman murdered 33 people in 2007 ... in a related development, the NRA says guns had nothing to do with it; the ongoing Congressional Clown Show continued as Republicans refused to extend a payroll tax holiday (which, oddly, Republicans generally support) unless Democrats agree to a Republican-backed plan for an oil pipeline; and in Russia, tens of thousands of people demonstrated against Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and what they claimed were rigged parliamentary elections (why don't they just do things the American way and buy the election?).

Time for another dose of Cartoon Saturday ... it won't cure the ass-clownery, but it will help you deal with the symptoms.

I shared this cartoon with you a few months back, and it was very popular ...

I ran it again today because it works so well with this one ...

Speaking of gods, they can be very specific in their demands ...

It can be tough to deal with modern technology, as we see here ...

And here ...

It can also be difficult to deal without modern technology ...

Of course, things were much easier when technology was not so advanced ...

Don't you wish Truth in Advertising laws applied to ass clowns running for office ... ?

You just can't be too careful nowadays ...

And finally, there's research science and there's applied science ...

And so another week grinds to a close. There are only 15 shopping days left until Christmas, so if you still need that gift for someone special - ol' Bilbo, for instance - you need to get hopping.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Great Moments In Editing Returns Yet Again!

2011-12-09T04:44:00.008-05:00

I know we just did this a week or so ago, but it's a good topic for mornings when I don't have a lot of time ... like today, when I have to finish preparing and packing up the 5 tons of oven-fried potatoes I made for this afternoon's holiday potluck hallway party at work. Yes, it's the return of Great Moments In Editing!

Read on, if you dare ...

You should always read the ads carefully before you buy a used vehicle ...

And ...

I think I went to the wrong school ...

Or maybe not ...

So, Ma'am, what was your first clue that your husband might be steppin' out on you ... ?

Some men have the knack of buying just the right gift for that special woman ...

Almost everything nowadays can be hazardous to your health ...

... especially dining at the wrong place ...

No, thanks, I'll take your word for it ...

And finally, ladies, if you need help with backing up your assets, I think I've found the right place ...

Oh, and in case you needed a reminder of what a group of principled statesmen and responsible adults we have in Congress, here's a quote from Ohio reprehensive Jim Jordan, described as "a leader of the House conservatives":

"Frankly, the fact that the president doesn't like it makes me like it even more."

You can read the entire miserable story here. You'd think that, with all the money it spends on elections, Corporate America would buy a better class of dumbass to serve its interests.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Top 10 of Everything

2011-12-08T04:41:00.004-05:00

A quick post this morning, as I have to so a few less pleasant things ... like pay bills ... before I leave for work.

Want to see all the important stuff from the past year in one place? Try this compilation from Time Magazine: The Top 10 of Everything for 2011. Categories include Overreported Stories (yes, Kim Kardashian's marriage is in there, as is Will and Kate's), Ridiculously Obvious Study Findings (stop the presses: abstinence-only education does not lead to abstinent behavior ... who knew?), and Campaign Debate Moments (yes, here's where you can relive the experience of a GOP audience booing a gay soldier who served in Iraq).

If you want to see the good, the bad, and the asinine all in one place, this is the place to start. If you just want to see rank hypocrisy and stupidity, try here, here, or here.

And now, it's time to engage in some wealth redistribution. It's not fun, but it does keep the collectors from banging down my door.

Have a good day. Be careful which lists you're on ...

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Home Alone

2011-12-07T04:45:00.005-05:00

Most people who think about today, December 7th, will probably think about it as the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor that drove the United States into World War II. There is, however, another important thing that happened on this date 31 years after that ... but we'll get to that in a minute.

Two interesting things happened this week that give me cause for reflection. The first is that astronomers have discovered a planet, named Kepler 22-B, that seems to be the most earth-like planet yet found, located in the habitable ("Goldilocks") zone around its parent star, and with abundant surface water and an estimated surface temperature of about 72 degrees Fahrenheit. Scientists are still studying the data, but it looks as if we may have found a sister world capable of supporting life as we know it.

The second thing that happened this week is that NASA's Voyager 1 spacecraft has nearly reached the farthest edge of the solar system - 11 billion miles from the sun. It is the farthest any man-made object has traveled, and it is still - 34 years after its launch in 1977 - sending back information about its surroundings. Voyager will soon enter the so-called "stagnation zone," where the solar winds cast off by the sun are cancelled out by the interstellar winds coming from ... well ... out there.

In 1990, Voyager 1 took one of the most famous photographs ever taken. At the urging of the late astronomer Carl Sagan, mission controllers turned Voyager 1 around and snapped a photograph of earth from a distance of some 3.7 billion miles. This became the "Pale Blue Dot" photo which shows a tiny and insignificant Earth as a speck of pale blue against the black of the endless universe. This is the picture ... Earth is the speck about halfway along the brown band on the right side of the image:

Thirty-nine years ago today, astronauts on board the Apollo 17 moon mission took another famous photo of the earth from a distance of about 28,000 miles, which became known as the "Blue Marble" photo ...

This was the last full photograph ever taken of earth from space by a human being ... every similar photo since has been taken by an unmanned spacecraft.

These things coming together in the same week gives me pause for thought. It's humbling to think that everything we are, everything we have ever known, and everything that is yet to come, is taking place on this pale blue dot circling in the Goldilocks Zone of a very average star in a remote corner of a very average galaxy. We've found other planets that might be habitable, but they're so far away that we'll never visit them in our lifetimes, if ever. We've never seen an unambiguous indication that there is any other civilization out there. Star Trek may be the dream, but Kepler 22-B - 600 light-years away - is the reality. There may be life on Kepler 22-B, but since it would take us millions of years to get there, chances are we'll never know it.

Are we home alone? Is there anyone else out there marveling at their own Pale Blue Dot photo? Whether there is or there isn't, it's awesomely humbling.

It may not be a bad idea to think about the possibly one-of-a-kind nature of our Pale Blue Dot as we think about climate change, carbon footprints, greenhouse gases, pollution, and other bad stuff. This may not be a perfect world, but it's the only one we have. It's worth protecting.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Going Postal, Just More Slowly

2011-12-06T04:40:00.004-05:00

The financial woes of the US Postal Service are old news. The combination of rising costs, a decline in the desire to write letters and the skills to do so, and the advent of near-instantaneous electronic communication has led to a situation in which the Postal Service is losing some five billion dollars per year. Something has got to give.

And it has.

The Postal Service is considering a number of changes that will help it to survive, including raising postal rates, eliminating Saturday deliveries, closing smaller post offices, replacing Zip Codes with Plod Codes, and selling under-performing postmasters to medical schools for use in anatomy classes. The end effect of these changes will be to require us to pay more for less, and slower, service. What does the Postal Service think it is ... Congress?

In fact, the speed of delivery of first-class mail will likely reach the speed of delivery attained by Benjamin Franklin's original post office department in 1775, when the mail was delivered on horseback, going from an average delivery time of one to three days to an average of two to five days. We'll go from this ...

To this ...

If Amanda thinks it takes a long time for my letters to move from Virginia to Australia now, she ain't seen nothin' yet.

You can read the full story in this interesting article on CNN.

There may be an economic silver lining for the Postal Service inside this dark cloud, though, as long as they're willing to think outside the (mail) box and get creative about raising revenue. For example, they could return to mail delivery on horseback, and charge customers for the manure left at their mailboxes as a by-product of delivery.

The Postal Service could also help battle the national epidemic of obesity by hiring overweight people to deliver the mail on foot, particularly in hilly locations. Even if they're slow, who'd notice?

And instead of hanging wanted posters in post offices, photos of wanted criminals could be printed on stamps so that letter carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail.

In a related story, I have finally finished my Christmas letter. I don't think it's one of my best, but at least it hits the high points and it's finally done. Now I can apply for a loan to pay the postage, and start getting our Christmas cards into the mail, where they should reach their intended destinations in three to five ~~months~~ days.

If your card or letter is late, it's not my fault.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

You Know You're a Cop If ...

2011-12-05T04:42:00.004-05:00

There are a lot of jobs I wouldn't want to have, but being a police officer is high on the list. It's a noble profession, and one that is - unfortunately - critically necessary, but the risk-vs-monetary reward ratio and the degree of respect provided by most people make it a relatively undesirable way to earn a living. Not to mention the sheer joy of spending each day seeing people at their worst.

But every profession has its humorous side, and law enforcement is no exception. Shamelessly lifted from Miss Cellania's website is this riff on the police officer's life ...

You Know You're a Cop If ...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.

You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide: Getting It Right the First Time."

You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than .08.

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."

People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where they're all located.

You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, George!"

You do not see daylight from November until May.

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear.

You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend," or "this is my Friday."

You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.

You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."

Law enforcement: It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. Thanks.

Have a good day. Stay out of trouble. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Sunday Miscellany

2011-12-04T06:28:00.003-05:00

I'm getting a bit of a later start than usual this morning, having slept late after enjoying the annual ~~stress~~ excitement of putting up and decorating our Christmas tree. This is always a happy time, when the makers of Valium rub their hands in glee at the prospect of a spike in sales as ol' Bilbo tries to make strings of lights light properly, and then continue to remain lit once carefully threaded onto the tree. This is not an easy chore, and it does have its drawbacks ... including several calls from rap "music" artists and drunken longshoremen complaining about the foul language.

But the tree is finally up, and it looks nice ...

So I'll just declare victory and move on.

Two things on which to comment today:

First, this report from CNN on the least-corrupt nations in the world. You might be interested to know that the nation judged by the independent, nonpartisan global watchdog organization Transparency International ("the global coalition against corruption") to be the least-corrupt of all is ... New Zealand. The most corrupt title was a tie between Somalia and North Korea, and the United States ranked 24^th (out of 183). This is sobering, considering that we tend to pride ourselves on the quaint concept of equality under the law. One wonders how we'll fare when the survey is conducted next year, after the purchase of the presidential election. You can read the entire Corruption Perceptions Index report here.

Turning to a bit more pleasant topic for lists, we look at the most popular baby names for 2011. According to the data compiled by Babycenter.com, the top ten names for baby girls this year were:

1. Sophia;

2. Emma;

3. Isabella;

4. Olivia;

5. Ava;

6. Lily;

7. Chloe;

8. Madison;

9. Emily; and,

10. Abigail.

The top ten boys names for 2011 were:

1. Aiden;

2. Jackson;

3. Mason;

4. Liam;

5. Jacob;

6. Jayden;

7. Ethan;

8. Noah;

9. Lucas; and,

10. Logan.

At least the girls weren't hit with monikers like Apple (the daughter of Gwynneth Paltrow) or the famous Moon Unit and Dweezil (daughter and son of Frank Zappa). As it turns out, a significant number of parents who decide on names for their children based on popular trends or ideas that are no longer relevant later suffer from "baby name remorse." You can read about that unhappy subject here.

And that's enough for this cold, foggy winter morning here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac. Time to finish decorating the house, get the holiday letter finished, and generally do all the other weekendy stuff we usually do.

Perhaps even relax a bit. Stranger things have happened.

Have a good day. Have it with a minimum of corruption. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2011-12-03T05:49:00.004-05:00

And away we go ...

As US forces continue their withdrawal from Iraq, control of the huge American base known as Camp Victory was turned over to the Iraqis on Friday ... in related developments, the Iraqis renamed the complex Camp Time to Settle Old Scores, while Congressional Republicans immediately introduced legislation to cut taxes; Wall Street had its best week since 2009, with the Dow, the S&P 500, and the Nasdaq all up 7% or more for the week ... in a related development, Congressional Republicans immediately introduced legislation to cut taxes; the unemployment rate for November dropped to 8.6%, the lowest rate since March 2009 ... in a related development, Congressional Republicans immediately introduced legislation to cut taxes; winds described as "post-apocalyptic" and "of nearly Congressional strength" have caused widespread damage across much of the Far West; and speaking of wind, conservative website Newsmax.com has announced that professional windbag Donald Trump will moderate a Republican presidential debate in Des Moines, Iowa on Dec. 27 ... in a related development, Congressional Republicans immediately introduced legislation to cut taxes.

Santa is busy measuring out coal to stuff Congressional stockings while you turn to Cartoon Saturday for relief from the ass-clownery.

The Republicans continue their search for a candidate to fill the shoes left by Saint Reagan (with apologies to Judy Collins) ...

Budget cutbacks are wreaking havoc everywhere, including hard-pressed police departments ...

And continuing two more riffs on this theme ...

And,

Troubleshooting cable problems in an election season ...

There were two excellent cartoons on the "trojan horse" theme this past week, and so I decided to round them out with some others from my collection ...

Because no plan survives contact with the enemy, a good general always has a "Plan B" ...

Because, you know, they just might think it isn't ... well ...

History doesn't record the Trojans' revenge for the Greek deception, but this would have been truly horrible ...

If Plans A and B don't work out, a good general always has a Plan C ...

And finally, we combine ancient history with terrible puns to end the week on a low note ...

So, Dear Readers, another week comes to an end. Agnes and I will be putting up the Christmas tree later today ... if you listen carefully, you will probably be able to hear me cursing at the traditional malfunctioning lights.

Some things just never change.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Military Cuts Back

2011-12-02T04:44:00.005-05:00

As a result of the failure of the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction to do its job, which was a direct result of the failure of Congress as a whole to do its job, which - in turn - was a direct result of our insistence on electing politically rigid ass clowns to public office, your government is going to have to cut back. Many things we've been used to will go the way of the dodo, the manual typewriter, spats, and principled statesmanship. The various agencies of our government are already making plans to cope with greatly reduced budgets, and the Department of Defense is no exception. Here are a few of the experimental, low-cost alternatives to expensive weapons systems that are now being introduced to your Armed Forces as they prepare to meet the latest enemy ...

The Army will get leaner, meaner, and quicker to deploy as it gets rid of those heavy and expensive armored vehicles:

The Coast Guard will continue to do its part to protect us from drug smugglers and to rescue those in distress at sea ... just not quite as impressively:

The Navy will also have to figure out how to project power on the cheap ...

And the Air Force will do its part, employing the latest generation of low-tech precision targeting systems:

Perhaps it's time to save money on the national level by embracing the concept of Crap Technology to augment the Crap Government we already have.

It can't hurt any more than the Crap Economic Policies the Republicans and Democrats are already peddling.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Not Just Sans Serif, Sans the Whole #@$! Letter

2011-12-01T04:40:00.004-05:00

I am in a quandry, suffering from a problem that I do not often face: a world-class case of writer's block.

Yes, Dear Readers, ol' Bilbo, he of the enormous and overflowing fountain of verbiage, is having trouble writing a letter.

Most of you probably still know what the expression writing a letter means, except for Mike, but perhaps someone can explain it to him.

Anyhow, the situation is this: each year at this time, I write a Christmas letter that goes out to our closest friends to bring them up to date on what's been going on at Chez Bilbo. I begin by writing the basic letter to my friend Toni ... this letter is very long, because Toni and I haven't actually seen each other since her wedding in about 1980, and she always wants to know everything that's been going on. After writing the letter to Toni, I then word-process it to create individualized letters for all our other friends who may not need or want that much detail, or who are only interested in certain aspects of our adventures (family, travel, dancing, blogging, world domination, etc).

Generally, I don't have a problem cranking out the basic letter, but this year is different. I can't get it together. I have plenty of notes, lots of existing documentation in the form of the blog, my travel journal, and the 7500 exabytes of photographs I've taken over the year ... but I just can't seem to get it all down on paper (or in properly-aligned electrons on a hard disk) in a coherent letter. Or as coherent a letter as I usually write.

I'd say this is driving me crazy, but - as my mother would probably have said - that's not really a drive, it's just a putt, ha, ha.

So ...

Toni and everyone else who looks forward to receiving Bilbo's Extravagant Holiday Epistle, hang in there. I'll get it together sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. If you are not on the mailing list but would like to get a real letter (not handwritten, unfortunately ... because of the volume, this is the one letter each year that I prepare with the word processor) to keep all your junk mail company, send your snail mail address to der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com, and I will add you to the list.

In the meantime, for those of you who didn't get the title of this post, a serif is a small addition to a font that helps to set each letter apart from those around it and make it more legible. A letter that is sans serif is one that does not use serifs (the word sans in French means without). Here's an illustration:

This, of course, lends itself to todays terrible pun (sorry, Eric Clapton) ...

There's also a great riff on serifs offered up today by Miss Cellania ... you can read it here.

That's all for now. I need to hook up my mental jumper cables and get that letter written, serifs or no.

After all, somebody's got to support the Postal Service.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Son of the Return of Great Moments in Editing, the Sequel, Part IIa

2011-11-30T04:41:00.004-05:00

Lots to do this morning, and I'm not quite awake yet, so let's just do a few more of our classic moments from the world of good editing ...

If those automatic reductions to the Defense budget caused by the inability of Congress to do its job kick in in 2013, military surplus stores will do a booming business. Where else can you get that attractive kevlar bra and panty set for your girlfriend?

Some turkeys are easier to hunt than others ...

Times are tough, and churches need to be selective ...

I'm sure the population of Warren sleeps better knowing that those bogus prognosticators are off the streets ...

Stop the presses!!! ...

Stop the presses again!!! ...

No better time than the present to stock up on ... things ...

As excuses go, this one really isn't bad. And it was probably fun, too ...

That surely was nice of them, wasn't it? ...

And finally, you can spend a bit more and get a little better publicist to develop your slogans for your business ...

Have a good day. Remember the value of a good editor and proofreader. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Brief Tax Rant

2011-11-29T04:41:00.004-05:00

If you want to watch a Republican's head explode, say something positive about taxes. Actually, nobody likes to pay taxes but, as we see every day, everybody likes the things taxes pay for. What we really want is something for nothing ... or something that, in true Wall Street fashion, is paid for with someone else's money.

But let's be realistic for a minute.

If we want frivolous things like schools, police and fire protection, and an army, we're going to have to pay taxes. The issue is not whether or not taxes are necessary - they are. The real issue is twofold: how to fairly assess and collect the right amount of tax from individuals and businesses, and how to decide what those taxes will pay for.

What constitutes fair in the tax debate is, of course, a matter of opinion. If you have an income of $20,000, any amount of tax taken out may seem unfair. If you have an income of $1,000,000, it may seem unfair that you are asked to pay a larger portion of that income in taxes. Fair is relative.

Here's an example of a tax issue that makes me go AARRGGHH!!

I commute to work every day using a so-called SmarTrip electronic card which is loaded with money that is debited each time I tap it on a Metro turnstile or a fare box on a bus...

One of the ways I can add money to this card is by designating a small, IRS-approved part (currently $130) of my pre-tax pay to be automatically loaded to it each month. This helps pay for my daily commute, keeps a car off the roads, and provides me with a modest tax savings. Is this fair, when compared to benefits not enjoyed by people who don't commute? Probably not. But it's my little tax break, and in a deep and cobwebby part of my fundamentally conservative heart, I'll defend it fiercely.

Now, the IRS has recently decided that the commuter benefit must be more tightly regulated to prevent abuse. My SmarTrip card has been automatically partitioned to separate money for commuting (by bus or train, which is not taxed) from money used to pay for parking (which is not supposed to be paid for with the pre-tax commuting benefit). The fact that you might have a multi-stage commute which requires you to drive to (and park at) a Metro station to catch your bus or train is immaterial. Is this fair?

This is a small but, to me, very annoying tax issue. The law provides all sorts of loopholes which allow some categories of well-represented taxpayers to avoid paying tax on huge amounts of money, while Congress (not the IRS, who are just the enforcers of the laws Congress passes) wants to make sure that I'm not abusing that untaxed $130 per month on my SmarTrip card.

I don't have a big point or message today ... just an observation on one small part of the stupidity of the anti-tax movement and the equal stupidity of the tax code that Congress has written - one that offers benefits and protections to those who can afford Platinum-Plus Representation^TM from the representative they've bought and paid for.

The rest of us, just suck it up and fill out that 1040. Take solace in the fact that you're doing your part to support the job creators.

And if you believe that, I can make you a good deal on a bridge.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Monday Puns, and Today's DUMBCON Level

2011-11-28T04:40:00.006-05:00

Today is the day I go back to work after the luxury of a four-day weekend. This is not an altogether bad thing, as I have a job to go back to, and I can certainly use the walk to and from the bus stop and around the rings and corridors of the Pentagon to work off all that turkey and the trimmings.

And that's gotta be a lot of walking, let me tell you.

Because I have to get myself organized and ready to get my nose back to the grindstone and my shoulder back to the wheel, today's post will be on the simple side. Even a Republican should be able to understand it, even if it will still be beyond the capabilities of most Democrats. That's why we're using pictures.

This first one goes out to my blogging friends who are teachers of English (yes, Kathy and Melissa, I'm talking to you) and to my nephew Ed, as he begins his college education in English literature ...

You may remember the utterly ridiculous movie Snakes on a Plane from a few years ago ... a film memorable mainly for its display of Samuel L. Jackson's ability to cram the largest amount of foul language into a given period of time. Here's another, more entertaining, look at snakes on planes ...

The Department of Homeland Security has given up its much-parodied color-coded terror alert system. But we still need some way to distinguish between various alert levels. How about the Terrier Alert Level ... ?

And if that Terrier Alert System doesn't work for you, there's always Bilbo's National Stupidity Condition Index - the DUMBCON. You can read about it here, but here's the graphic for your use:

In case you were wondering, we're still at DUMCON 1 ... thanks to Congress, Iranian mullahs, both political parties, and the financial mismanagement industry, there's no longer any need for DUMBCONs 5 through 2.

Bummer.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Ikea Is the Swedish Word for "Hernia"

2011-11-27T06:28:00.007-05:00

Before we get to the good stuff, I noticed on my Blogger dashboard that today marks my 1900th post! While 1900 is a nice, round number, though, all it really means is that the actual celebrateable (?) milestone is just 100 posts away ... if I keep up my usual schedule, probably sometime in late March or early April. I'm thinking about something appropriate for my 2000th post ... if you have any suggestions for topics (that won't land me in jail, Mike), put them into a comment or e-mail me.

And now for the main event...

Yesterday I engaged in another of my cherished annual traditions. We borrowed our son-in-law's truck and used it to haul all of our Christmas decorations back from the storage unit ...

After unloading the decorations at home, I loaded up the truck with junk and trash and drove it to the landfill in Lorton. Quite the swinging weekend, eh?

But there's more!

On the way home from our daughter's house after picking up the truck, we also stopped at the local Ikea store to pick up a few new pieces of furniture we'd been intending to buy. For those of you not familiar with Ikea, here are a few notes to help you understand the concept:

1. The average Ikea store is so big that it has its own zip code. Some Ikea stores are so big they require customers to have a passport and visa to enter.

2. An Ikea store is cleverly laid out so that it takes you a minimum of three days to get from the entrance to the checkout. The marked route through the store ensures that you will have the opportunity to see and admire every single item they sell, regardless of what you went there to buy in the first place.

3. All Ikea products have names. You don't just buy a bookshelf or a coffee table, you buy a Billy bookshelf or a Vejmon coffee table. I think this is silly. I don't need to be on a first-name basis with my furniture.

4. Everything you buy at Ikea comes unassembled, requiring you to haul it home and put it together yourself.

4a. The average disassembled item comes packed into a box carefully designed to be too large to fit into the trunk of any car not made to haul supplies for the Army.

4b. That box weighs a minimum of four tons and requires a Bucyrus Erie crane to get it off the shelf and onto your cart.

Good luck getting it from the cart to the bed of your pickup truck, and into your house once you get home.

4c. Any Ikea product of any size consists of at least 75 pieces made of solid lead covered with an attractive wood veneer. These pieces are assembled using thousands of screws, nails, grommets, flanges, and other assorted oddly-shaped connectors, all carefully counted out and packaged in convenient plastic bags which strew parts in all directions when opened.

4d. The assembly instructions for an Ikea product have no words ... they consist of drawings which guide you step-by-step through the assembly process. The assembly instructions for the Galant Drawer Unit on Casters (with birch veneer) is 28 pages long, and includes a separate booklet that explains how to set the combination lock. Here is a typical page:

Good luck, and bring that magnifying glass with you.

4e. No Ikea product can be assembled in the space available where you want to install it. This means you must assemble it someplace which provides enough space for you to spread out all the parts and maneuver them around ... a soccer field, for instance ... and then transport it in its fully-assembled form to the room where you actually want to use it. Sadly, that Bucyrus Erie crane probably won't be of much help by this point.

4f. Once you have completed the assembly and installation of your Ikea product, you will notice several things:

4f(1) It looks beautiful.

4f(2) You will need to dispose of an enormous amount of packing material.

4f(3) You will require the services of a psychiatrist and a chiropractor.

Yesterday, I assembled and installed two large Billy bookcases (one each for my study and Agnes's study), the aforementioned Galant drawer unit for Agnes's study, and a Vejmon Coffee Table for the living room. They all look very nice, but my eyes hurt from squinting at instructions and I feel like someone has been beating me with a two-by-four.

So ...

If you like modernistic, spiffy furniture you can address by name and have boundless patience, a Bucyrus Erie crane, and a 55-gallon drum of Bengay ointment, Ikea is the place to shop. Good luck.

Just don't call me to help you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

2011-11-26T06:17:00.005-05:00

Had enough of turkey and endless leftovers? Waddle on over and let's recap the week ...

The Joint Select Committee on Finger-Pointing and Avoidance of Responsibility (otherwise known as the "supercommittee") dissolved this week, having (as expected) accomplished absolutely nothing; a woman in Pakistan is under arrest, suspected of killing her husband, dismembering him, and attempting to cook and eat him (if you haven't read the classic Roald Dahl short story Lamb to the Slaughter, now would be a good time); basketball team owners and players may have reached a tentative agreement to end the lockout which has stopped the playing season; some people desperate for Black Friday bargains resorted to violence, including a California woman who attacked other shoppers with pepper spray so she could get a discounted video gaming console; and in Afghanistan, a young woman who was raped, then jailed for adultery for reporting the crime, then forced to marry her attacker, has had her sentence reduced from 12 to three years ... and remains in jail because she didn't report the crime quickly enough.

Yep. It's definitely time for Cartoon Saturday.

Thanksgiving is over, and we all had something to be thankful for ... no matter how small ...

Of course, there are always problems after Thanksgiving ...

I don't know whether to dedicate this one to my friends who are English teachers, or my friends who are attorneys ...

Times are tough in the looting and pillaging business ...

But they're good for the businesses that support modern-day looting and pillaging ...

If you've ever driven in downtown Washington, DC, you can appreciate this one more than most ...

Two riffs on a theme ...

And ...

And squeezing just a bit more out of the ant theme, we're all familiar with the modern managerial mantra (wow, more alliteration!) of do more with less ...

And finally for today, you just know that this is coming ...

Well, Dear Readers, Thanksgiving is over and it's now time to move into the Christmas season. Of course, if you shop at any big box store, you know that the Christmas season began shortly after the Fourth of July, but that's neither here nor there. If you survived Black Friday, good on 'ya. If you still have a few dollars left, there are 29 shopping days left.

Good luck.

Have a good day. Enjoy the last of the holiday weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo