Friendship in the Digital Age

As I've gotten more into blogging over the past year and a half, I've accumulated a small but growing set of digital friends...people I'm never likely actually to meet in person, but with whom I've shared a lot of thoughts. These are the people who listen to my rants, agree with me on some points, disagree with me on others, and generally make the day more interesting...all of which got me to thinking about the meaning of friendship in a digital world.

We form our traditional friendships based on shared interests over time spent together learning about each other and building a relationship based on trust and confidence. It's said that a friend is someone who'll help you move, but a real friend is one who will help you move a body. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but to me a friend is someone you can count on to be there when you need help, and who is confident that you would be there for him (her), too. When I answered Serina Hope's "10 Words or Less" meme, I noted that one of the characteristics I most look for in friends is trustworthiness, which is what I'm talking about here.

Friend is one of those words that is sometimes used more freely than we really mean. I've noted that Agnes draws that linguistic line more definitively than I do: where I will talk about my friends at work, she'll talk about her colleagues (Arbeitskollegen, in German), drawing a subtle difference between those she cares about as friends and those who are just co-workers she spends office time with, but wouldn't necessarily want to chum around with in her free time. In our online circles we talk about our blogging friends, which we understand to carry a certain level of meaning in the context of our digital lives.

What does that all mean in the virtual world of the Internet, blogs, MySpace, Facebook, and so on? It means that we form our digital friendships through the exchanges of the written word, rather than through the traditional means of meeting, greeting, sharing experiences, and learning about each other by observation and shared adventure. It's the 21st century equivalent of the old-time pen pal we knew only through ink on paper. As we share memes and linkbacks, trade online profiles, give each other awards, and exchange glimpses of our lives through posted pictures, we form a mental image of the individuals with whom we're holding digital hands. We don't actually know the real person on the other end of the line, but we perceive that person based on what they've chosen to share about themselves. Philosophers tell us that each of us is really three different people: the person others see; the person we choose to expose to others; and the person we actually are. Singer Nanci Griffith expressed it well in her wonderful song "Late Nite Grande Hotel," when she sang that "no one really knows the heart of anyone else."

Would we actually like each other as much in person as we do in the blogosphere? I have a feeling that, in most cases, we would. There are tens of millions of blogs out there, and most of us have a fairly small number that we visit regularly because we've decided over time that we like what we see and read of the person on the other end of the wire. If we only post the most flattering photos of ourselves, well, so what? It's natural. Most of us have posted some variation on the "(pick a number) facts about me," (mine was back on October 5th), but not everyone can be as honest (and funny) as Amanda, who actually posted about how annoying she is.

So what's the point of all this? Just a few random thoughts that occurred to me as I considered the digital friends I've made since launching this blog. Someday a few of us may actually meet each other and have the opportunity to decide if the image we've formed is accurate. But for now, I'll take the digital relationship for what it's worth, and continue to look forward to the few minutes I spend each day with each of you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo