The World According to Rudner

Despite being a confirmed, card-carrying curmudgeon (wow, I didn't know I could be that alliterative this early in the morning!), I like to think I have a good, if bizarre, sense of humor. Actually, in order to survive in these times, a sense of humor is a necessary survival technique...if you can't laugh at the outrageous reaming you're taking from the oil companies and the financial services industry (that's what we used to call banks back when they actually paid some attention to customer service), you'd just sit around and cry all the time.

My sense of humor is a little twisted. I love puns, shaggy dog stories, clever cartoons, and the occasional off-color joke. Unfortunately, nowadays many comedians tend to rely on shock value and gutter language instead of real humor...they go for the joke that makes you cringe and laugh nervously instead of the one that draws you in, hooks your attention, and then hits you with the twist that makes you laugh with glee instead of embarrassment.

That's why I love Rita Rudner.

This is a lady whose sense of humor is every bit as twisted and bizarre as mine, whose gentle delivery, perfect comic timing, and loopy observations on common topics mark her as a comedienne of the first order. Here are a few of my favorite Rita Rudner jokes...

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it’s always gonna be me!"

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it 'Jumping Up and Down.'

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Thank goodness for Rita Rudner. Now I can face the start of the working week with a smile on my face. For a few minutes, anyhow.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo