The Day of the Stupid Pun

My posting will be a little erratic for the next few days (how will you know, you ask, ha-ha). This morning I have a lot to do before leaving for work, and early tomorrow morning I'll be flying out to Colorado Springs for a conference. I'll be back home Thursday evening. So I'll be posting from on-the-road, and hopefully my elderly, creaking laptop will cooperate.

For this morning, inspired by Mike's litany (in post 503) of the "jobs" he's held, here is a compilation of some of the most horrible groaner puns and dumb jokes I've heard in a while. Enjoy...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

(The next few are samples of the 'A ___ walked into a bar, and ...' school of humor)...

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' The doctor says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?', the man asks. The doctor replies, well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you, ' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. (My favorite!) DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so hard I pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and resulted in bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Have a good day. Tomorrow's post will be up later in the day, because I'm flying out so early in the morning...more thoughts once I'm settled at the hotel.

Bilbo