Spam and Junk Mail

I get a lot of junk mail and it's digital equipment, spam. Most of the time, I just automatically throw the junk mail into the recycling bag without looking at it, and delete the spam (most of which is probably full of evil malware, anyhow), but sometimes it's interesting to think about how all that useless junk found its way to my mailbox or inbox.

I first thought about this a few years ago, when my father noted in passing that the composition of his junk mail had changed from ads for lawn services and free dinners at restaurants to include a heavy leavening of ads for retirement homes and cemetery plots. Nowadays, I see my junk mail evolving in the same way: no more do advertisers want me to come to swinging clubs and fancy-schmancy restaurants ... now, they're flacking for the local assisted living facilities and "memorial gardens." For pete's sake, I like a little quiet rest as much as the next guy, but I'm not quite ready for this yet.

The spam that arrives in my e-mail box is of a somewhat different character. It's clear that most of it is shotgunned out blindly, with no attempt to speak to a particular potential customer. Here are the subject lines of a few of the spam e-mails I've received in the last few days:

"You can afford AMAZING BREASTS!" - and here I thought all it took was a few champagne cocktails and a hundred dollars.

"Accutane Lawsuit Information," "Zoloft Lawsuit Information," and "Do You Qualify for an Avandia Settlement" - these are all variations on the annoying ads that ambulance chasers run on television all the time, promising huge cash settlements from companies allegedly responsible for diseases and conditions nobody ever heard of before. And we wonder why health care costs are so high.

"Have You Had a Hip Replacement Surgery?" and "Important Information About Hip Implants" - I always thought I was a pretty hip fellow, but somehow, I don't think this is what they have in mind.

"Search, Chat, Match at Speed Date!," "Meet 50+ Passionate Singles Near You," and "Dating for Singles 45 Plus" - I'm not quite that desperate. And Agnes would kill me, anyhow.

"Local Mom Quits Her Job She Hated..." - this one is one of several that have started appearing from "Channel 10 News." Yeah, right.

and,

"An Orchard Bank Master Card Offer to Help Rebuild Your Credit" - I don't know what Orchard Bank is or who owns it, but over the past month or so they've sent me at least three offers a day on each of my e-mail accounts. Business must be either really good or really bad.

So...

I could, if I wished, quit my job, get amazing and affordable breasts and non-creaking new hips, date people my own age, pay for it all with a new Orchard Bank Master Card, and pay off the Master Card with the proceeds of the lawsuits a bunch of shysters are standing by to file on my behalf ... assuming there's anything left of the proceeds after all the "legal fees" are taken out.

I think I'll just sit quietly in my chair and read. So far, there aren't any annoying ads in my books.

So far.

Have a good day. Don't forget to delete your spam. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo