Universal Translator, Part 2

Yesterday we talked about the concept of a Star Trek-style universal translator, and since such a device doesn't yet exist I offered you some helpful translations of how men and women understand the same words in different ways.

Here's another set of translations to help you out. If you are one of those people who has ever tried to picture a person from their self-generated descriptions in "In Search Of" ads or on dating websites, here's what they're really saying. On the left is what they wrote; on the right is what the reality is. Ladies first...

40-ish	48
Adventurer	Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic	Flat-chested
Average looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological liar
Contagious Smile	Bring your penicillin
Educated	College dropout
Emotionally Secure	Medicated
Feminist	Fat; ball buster
Free spirit	Substance user
Friendship first	Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun	Annoying
Gentle	Comatose
Good Listener	Borderline Autistic
New-Age	All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned	Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud
Passionate	Loud
Poet	Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional	Real Witch
Redhead	Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque	Grossly Fat
Romantic	Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous	Very Fat
Weight proportional to height	Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate	One step away from stalking
Widow	Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart	Toothless crone

And now for the men ...

40-ish	52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic	Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking	Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated	Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit	Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first	As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun	Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking	Arrogant
Honest	Pathological Liar
Huggable	Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle	Insecure, overly dependent
Mature	Until you get to know him
Open-minded	Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit	I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet	Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual	Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable	Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful	Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Any additions? Put them into the comments.

Have a good day. Read between the lines. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo