You Might Be a Republican If...

I can't remember if I've ever run this before, but just in case here is the list, revised and updated ...

You Might Be a Republican If ...

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage...which is too damn high, anyhow.

You demand that the government be shut down to force huge cuts in spending, except for programs you support.

You believe government spending should be reduced by a specific dollar amount, without regard to which specific programs need to be eliminated or reduced.

You're pro-life, but support the death penalty.

The only unions you support are those for professional athletes.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the "moral fiber" of something.

You've ever asked, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?" ... then, once the bombing starts, demand to know why we're bombing the sons of bitches, what the goal of the operation is, how much it costs, and what the President was thinking when he decided to do such a stupid thing.

You fax the FBI a list of terrorists living in your neighborhood.

You don't let your children watch Sesame Street because you think Bert and Ernie are gay.

You believe that art has "a moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever told a panhandler to get a job.

You argue that you must be allowed to own an unlimited number of guns in order to defend yourself against all the other people who own unlimited numbers of guns. And who knows? - a rabid bear might break into your house.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You believe education and health care are luxuries.

You don't understand why donations to the Pentagon are not tax-deductable.

You absolutely believe that there's a monolithic "liberal media," you're afraid of it, and you believe every word you hear on Fox News because somebody needs to tell the truth.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he's lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

Tomorrow, in the interest of equal opportunity for all ass clowns, our theme will be "You Might Be a Democrat If..."

After all, religious and political labels are independent of intelligence. Or lack thereof.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo