Agnes has been on my case for a while about my ... um ... spare tire, and the fact that I look a bit like a bratwurst when I squeeze myself into my tuxedo. She's suggesting that I need to lose a bit of weight, and so I've been looking at the number of calories that I can burn off with various activities ...
The Official Sex Calorie Counter
(Read: ACTIVITY - Number of calories burned)
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent - 12
Without partner’s consent - 187
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands - 7
Using one trembling hand - 36
Add 10 calories for each drink consumed prior to activity.
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner - 15
Dragging partner along floor - 16
Begging - 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man - 2.5
Losing erection - 14
Searching for it - 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection - 1.5
Without erection - 300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced - 6
Inexperienced - 73
If a man does it - 650 (Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room)
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian (Man on top, woman in kitchen) - 26
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner - 15
Dragging partner along floor - 16
Begging - 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man - 2.5
Losing erection - 14
Searching for it - 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection - 1.5
Without erection - 300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced - 6
Inexperienced - 73
If a man does it - 650 (Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room)
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian (Man on top, woman in kitchen) - 26
Afghan (Man in front, woman five paces behind) - 5
Russian (Woman on bottom, man getting permission) - 55
American (Both on top) - 60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Shortness of breath - 7
Whiplash - 27
ORGASM
Real - 27
Faked - 160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off - 35
Expression didn’t change - 0.5
Orchestra swelled - 6
Birds sang (Large birds) - 7
Birds sang (Small birds) - 3
Earth moved - 30
PULLING OUT
After orgasm - 0.5
A few moments before orgasm - 500
PENIS ENVY
For women - 3
For men - 72
GUILT
Achieved orgasm despite no formal training - 53
You’re enjoying sex, despite the fact that people are starving in Africa - 2
Sex on your lunch hour - 3
Putting it on expense account - 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner updates status on Facebook - 25
Partner updates status on Facebook, does not click "Like" - 50
Russian (Woman on bottom, man getting permission) - 55
American (Both on top) - 60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Shortness of breath - 7
Whiplash - 27
ORGASM
Real - 27
Faked - 160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off - 35
Expression didn’t change - 0.5
Orchestra swelled - 6
Birds sang (Large birds) - 7
Birds sang (Small birds) - 3
Earth moved - 30
PULLING OUT
After orgasm - 0.5
A few moments before orgasm - 500
PENIS ENVY
For women - 3
For men - 72
GUILT
Achieved orgasm despite no formal training - 53
You’re enjoying sex, despite the fact that people are starving in Africa - 2
Sex on your lunch hour - 3
Putting it on expense account - 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner updates status on Facebook - 25
Partner updates status on Facebook, does not click "Like" - 50
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay - 14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time - 10
Partner is taking phone calls - 7
Partner is making phone calls - 40
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner’s spouse - 60
By your spouse - 100
Trying to explain - 55
Trying to remain calm - 100
Leaping out of bed - 75
Getting dressed in one motion - 500
Thanking partner quickly - 3
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time - 10
Partner is taking phone calls - 7
Partner is making phone calls - 40
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner’s spouse - 60
By your spouse - 100
Trying to explain - 55
Trying to remain calm - 100
Leaping out of bed - 75
Getting dressed in one motion - 500
Thanking partner quickly - 3
Don't thank me ... it's all part of helping you maintain your health.
Have a good day. Burn a few calories. More thoughts tomorrow.
Bilbo
Bilbo, you've outdone yourself with these timely health- and calorie-related tips. You might want to consider in future research what are the caloric expenditures of being caught by the following in flagrante delicto:
ReplyDelete(a) Your mother
(b) Your priest
(c) Your boyfriend
(d) The postman
(e) NOPD
For that matter, how did Madame Steinheil ultimately do in Félix Faure?
Serously, you gave us a great laugh. And that is no mean feeat on a Wednesday.
I think I now know how to burn some serious calories....gee thanks Bill! who needs that pesky jogging and rhumba exercising!!
ReplyDelete"..lose a bit of weight.."
ReplyDeleteHey, tell her "you first". Go on, tell her now. I'll wait.
Bill, Bill, Bill... Now I'm REALLY wondering having read this AND the comment you left on my post about the zipper. Oh -- w/ regard to that -- don't worry -- to air is human. :)
ReplyDeleteThese are great substitutes for using treadmills.
ReplyDelete