Spam Survey

There's been a good deal of discussion lately in the comments of the blogs I read about the proliferation of spam comments. Part of the discussion deals with complaints about the Captcha program that asks you to "prove you're not a robot" by typing in some bizarrely-twisted combinations of letters or mailing in a copy of a voter registration card not showing affiliation with the GOP.

I don't mind the Captcha program so much, except for the part about having to take off my glasses and squint at the screen in order to determine if I'm looking at "rn" or "m," "i" or "j," or whatever. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't afford to waste my failing eyesight on things less important than the instructions on the Maalox bottle.

But that's neither here nor there ... let's talk about spam, and why it can be interesting, if not fun.

When I checked my e-mail this morning, a few messages stood out:

The first was from "Millionaire Dates," with the subject line, "View Photos of Millionaires Near You!" Now, I ask you: why on earth would I want to look at photos of millionaires? Rush Limbaugh is a millionaire. Almost every member of Congress is a millionaire. Why would I want to look at pictures? A better spam approach might be "Get Adopted By a Millionaire!" I could get into that one, especially if the photo showed that the millionaire in question was, say, Salma Hayek ...

The other one was from "Asian Single," with the subject line, "Have a Great Date with an Asian Single." There are a few problems with this one. First, whoever sent it to me obviously doesn't understand the risks of dating an Asian single when you're already married to a German redhead. Second, I know in the cobwebby recesses of my heart that if I ever responded to such a come-on, the Asian single I'd end up dating wouldn't be Lucy Liu ...

Another prime spam message in my in-box was this one from "Jessica<3," letting me know that "Single Christians in Your Area Are Looking for You!" Well, they may be looking for me, but it's only to ask if I've been saved, if I know about the Four Spiritual Laws, or if I want to make a contribution to the First United Four-Square Church of the Sacred Redeeming Heart of the Everlasting Gospel, Halleluja. Worst case, they've given up and just want to burn me at the stake.

Orchard Bank, whoever they are, hits me with at least two messages per day flacking for their MasterCard.

And finally, a large number of spam messages are offering me great deals on large quantities of Viagra and Cialis (or V!@gr@ and C1@l!5 ... they're very inventive in finding ways to avoid spam filters). I think I'll pass, though ... I think sex machines like Rush Limbaugh need it more than I do.

Spam. A sad reality of the modern in-box. But if you need an Orchard Bank MasterCard, a date with an Asian single (or a Christian), or to stock up on your manhood enhancements, let me know and I'll forward the messages to you. I'm always happy to help.

Have a good day. And if you don't need the ten million dollars that that Dr Masawambo Ogudaala will pay you $250,000 to hold on to for him, I'll be glad to help ... just go ahead and pay his deposit first.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo