Driving in the National Capital Region

If you live in the grandly-nicknamed National Capital Region (also known as the "NCR" - DC and its environs, which now extend about to Raleigh, NC, if you're looking for affordable housing), one of the things you get used to is ass clowns who appear to have earned their driver's licenses by inserting nickels into the claw machine at the local arcade until they successfully grabbed one. We even have signs warning about the dangers of "aggressive driving" of the sort practiced by those who graduated from the Heinz Guderian Driving School.

Here are a few of the rules of the road practiced around the NCR ...

1. Drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It must be very large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. These may be mounted on a large bar above the truck's cab, or underneath the front grill for more efficient blinding of people in cars with low ground clearance.

1a. If your truck doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from the largest military transport vehicle you can find (tires must be at least 6' in diameter and have a minimum 18-inch footprint); raise the suspension to allow clearance over ordinary cars.

2. Practice your best scowl. Remember, that this is the only expression you are permitted to show once you're behind the wheel. See also rule #5, below.

3. Weather conditions should always be taken into account when you drive in the NCR.

3a. Under no circumstances should you use windshield wipers - like turn signals, these are optional, and are used for appearance only.

3b. At the first sprinkle of rain or flake of snow, immediately cut your speed by two-thirds; three-fourths is better. Putting on your four-way flashers is optional.

3c. If snow blankets your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you; however, this must be done from inside your vehicle! If you can't reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster full blast until you can just see the road.

4. Do not be intimidated by darkness. Headlights should never be used until it's pitch dark, and then only so that you can see the police. Of course, if you have those blinding yellow fog lights (see #1 above), you may use them at any time and in any weather conditions.

5. Be prepared to yell obscenities at and/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path.

6. A "yield" sign or flashing yellow light has no meaning. In the NCR, the "stop" sign is the indication to yield, but only if absolutely necessary. You are never required to come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.

6a. At an uncontrolled intersection, the right of way for passage goes first to the largest vehicle, and then to the oldest and most decrepit vehicle.

6b. A black SUV with heavily tinted windows and a motorcycle escort has the right-of-way at all intersections.

7. Driving on the shoulder during periods of heavy traffic (in general, between 5AM and 7 PM) is strongly encouraged.

8. High-speed passing on winding, narrow roads is a mark of the expert driver.

9. Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances or fire trucks. Less experienced drivers will move out of the way so they can get through. If you were driving properly, they would never have caught up with you in the first place.

9a.  You can gain speed and time by drafting behind emergency vehicles.

10. A fully-experienced NCR driver must master the art of tailgating. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention! Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the driver in front of you.

11. The expert NCR driver has also mastered the basic and advanced techniques of cutting off other drivers. This must be done with great care when cutting off other expert NCR drivers. The best sign that you have properly cut off another driver is that the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hits the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt. Rule #5 applies for both the cutter and the cuttee.

12. Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off gaps in traffic. When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or accelerating from behind in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will not be there when that vehicle gets to it. This requires you to anticipate the other driver's intention while carefully adjusting your speed to intercept him or her at just the right moment to prevent a successful merge.

13. Go ahead and use your cell phone while driving. Even better, send all the text messages you want. Local laws prohibit both, but the law doesn't apply to you.

I hope this helps in planning your pleasant drive through the National Capital Region. You may want to put Dial-a-Prayer on your speed dial, too.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming up.

Bilbo