A Mother's Vocabulary

My granddaughter Leya celebrated her seventh birthday yesterday, and that happy event led me to dig out this summary of an experienced mother's vocabulary. If you've ever been a mother, you'll recognize these terms ...

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: (1) The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. (2) The art of knowing which children can sit next to which other children to maintain maximum peace at the dinner table.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone uses foul language within 50 feet.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

Show-Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

All of you mothers out there, I salute you.

Have a good day. Watch your language around toddlers. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo