Guest Post

Oh, it's you again. Nice you could take the time to drop in, what with being all busy buying up lots of toilet paper and hand sanitizer and stuff.

Yes, it's me - Lucy, Bilbo and Agnes's grandcat. It's been quite a while since I've put paw to keyboard to share my thoughts with you, but it's time ... you silly humans really need sound advice right now instead of just more sound, and who better than a cat to give it to you?

So, what's with you and this coronavirus thing? It doesn't usually take too much for humans to act stupid, but you're really outdoing yourselves this time. You're tanking your economy and causing yourselves all sorts of grief because you don't sit back and plan for the long view like us cats do. This guy you elected president (Bilbo calls him "Der Furor" because he refuses to say his name) is doing a pretty miserable job of providing the leadership you thought you'd get because "he's not a politician." I'm not a politician, either, and I could do a better job of managing things than he does. I'm glad he's not in charge of keeping my litter box empty.

What about the people Der Furor has working for him? As far as I can tell, the ones who actually know what needs to be done (the ones he hasn't fired, anyway) are making progress in spite of all the other ones who are only concerned with making sure the boss escapes any responsibility if things go wrong. And who is this Pence guy, anyhow? I've never heard such a smarmy suck-up before, and that's saying something.

You humans really need help. Luckily, some of us are ready to stand up and be counted!

I've been talking the situation over with Basil (my fellow cat), Clara and Stella (the family dogs), and Cindy (the chicken at the top of the pecking order in the family coop), and we've decided to offer our help to get you past this crisis. Clara and Stella will stand guard over supplies to prevent mass panic-buying (Clara's a pit bull, and you don't want to get crossways with her), Basil will go after rats who try to take advantage of the situation*, and Cindy and her flock will ... well ... run around like acephalous poultry** (which they can do at a small fraction of the cost*** of the useless political - rather than professional - staff in the White House). What will I do? I'll coordinate everything and provide leadership of the effort.

As you now know, you can do worse.

That's all for now. Since I'm a cat, I really don't care what kind of day you have, as long as the food dish is full and the litter box empty. Just wash your hands and try to treat each other a little better.

Bilbo will have more thoughts later.

Meow.

Lucy

* She's about 500-0 against the household rodents, so she's ready.

** Bilbo found this expression in a story by Harry Turtledove. Cindy and the other chickens didn't think it was as funny as he did.

*** They work for chicken feed, after all.