Horcruxes

I've been thinking a lot lately about the commonalities between Der Furor and the Dark Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter stories, in particular Voldemort's attempt to gain immortality by splitting his soul into seven parts and storing them in horcruxes. Granted, Der Furor sold his soul long ago, as did most of his far-right Republican enablers and hangers-on, but the issue of horcruxes as a device for ensuring physical, if not political immortality is fascinating nevertheless.

If Der Furor decided to split the dried and shriveled remains of his soul into seven pieces (as did Voldemort), what things would he use as horcruxes in which to store them? Here are my thoughts:

Horcrux #1: A Golf Club. He spent more time playing golf and soaking the taxpayers by having the Secret Service pay exorbitant rates for the privilege of staying at his facilities while protecting him than on actually governing. A golf club seems like a good choice for Horcrux #1.

Horcrux #2: A Big Mac. Given that he actually catered a White House reception for college football champions from fast food restaurants, why not a Big Mac (since he likes bigly things) as Horcrux #2?

Horcrux #3: A MAGA Hat. Nothing says “America First” like wearing a bright red MAGA hat while storming the Capitol and beating up the police with an American flag. It’s a shoo-in for Horcrux #3.

Horcrux #4: A Top Secret Document. Voldemort’s horcruxes were always made from items with special meaning to him. Since Der Furor stole so many classified documents when he left the White House, it’s clear that a nice Top Secret document – especially one with lots of special handling caveats – would make a great Horcrux #4.

Horcrux #5: Lindsey Graham. Although Professor Dumbledore told Harry Potter it’s not advisable to use a living creature as a horcrux, Voldemort did it with his snake Nagini, and so a snake like Lindsey Graham (with no soul of his own to crowd Der Furor's piece) would serve as a good Horcrux #5.

Horcrux #6: A Lawsuit. According to an ongoing analysis by USA Today, Der Furor and his businesses had been involved in more than 4000 lawsuits, either as plaintiff, defendant, bankruptcy seeker, or as a third party. He and the Republican party have filed dozens of lawsuits attempting to overturn his loss of the 2020 election, prevent investigation of his business practices, or protect himself from responsibility for the insurrection of January 6th, 2021. A lawsuit is a very appropriate choice for Horcrux #6.

Horcrux #7: A Bible. That a man as famously unreligious and morally challenged as Der Furor could capture the support of evangelical Christians is one of the wonders of the age, and so choosing a Bible as Horcrux #7 would allow him to store part of his soul as a reminder of his subjugation and emasculation of the religious right.

Those are my choices for Der Furor’s seven Horcruxes ... do you have any better ones? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo