Der Furor's New Civil Service Exam

With the prospect of enough Americans being insane enough to vote once again for Der Furor, we must begin paying more attention to what he says and what his acolytes are planning for the prospect of a second round of his style of governance. We know that during his administration, Der Furor was upset that the professional members of the Civil Service were more loyal to the Constitution than to him, and so he tried to create a new category of Civil Service employee ("Schedule F") that he could fire for no particular reason other than insufficient personal loyalty to himself. 

Now, I've had a good deal of experience with dealing with members of the Civil Service, and I can tell you that most of them are dedicated public servants who are serious, good at their jobs, and focused on doing the right thing. I can also tell you that there are a few useless jerks*, but you'll find those in any organization, and they are in the minority. When President Theodore Roosevelt created the professional, merit-based Civil Service back in 1883, he wanted to root out the corruption and political meddling that had long bedeviled the federal government. By and large, his system has worked well over the years ... until it ran aground on the rocks of a president more interested in personal loyalty than in the faithful execution of the laws. Based on analysis of Der Furor's rambling monologues to adoring crowds and the public statements of his planners and sycophants, I expect that the Civil Service Exam in a potential second DF administration will look something like this ...

Updated Civil Service Examination

for

Potential Hirees under Schedule F

Thank you for your interest in serving in the wasteful, bloated, and overreaching United States Government. Your suitability for federal government employment will be assessed based on the successful completion of all four parts of this examination, designed to determine whether you are one of the very best people until you aren't. You may begin immediately.

Part 1

True/False Questions

1. The Constitution consists of the Second Amendment, a guarantee of unlimited power and lifetime immunity for the president (applicable only in GOP administrations), and some other unimportant stuff.

TRUE     FALSE

2. The Founders clearly stated in the Constitution that the United States is a 100% Christian nation, and that all other religions are false and cause terrorism.

TRUE     FALSE

3. "Climate Change" has absolutely no scientific basis, and people who believe in it are un-American and probably terrorists.

TRUE     FALSE

4. The United States is the most exceptional nation ever founded, is a shining example for the rest of the world, and is incapable of doing anything wrong; anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist.

TRUE     FALSE

5. Taxes are bad under all circumstances, and can be completely eliminated if the government stops wasteful spending on useless, job-killing^TM things like welfare, education, food and drug safety, and environmental protection.

TRUE     FALSE

6. Immigration from parts of the world other than Northern Europe admits murderers, rapists, and drug dealers, and poisons the blood of the nation.

TRUE     FALSE

7. Those who do not answer questions 1 through 6 correctly (i.e., "TRUE") are terrorists who hate America.

TRUE     FALSE

This concludes Part 1 of the examination. If you answered "FALSE" to any of the questions above, please turn in your answer sheet, leave, and go to Canada or someplace else where your godless socialist ways will be appreciated. If you answered "TRUE" to questions 1 through 7, you may proceed to Part 2, the Essay Question portion of the examination:

Part 2

Essay Questions

1. Because The Founders clearly intended the United States to be a 100% Christian nation, members of the Section F Civil Service must demonstrate correct understanding of religious issues. Answer the following questions:

a. Explain why Der Furor was personally selected by God Almighty to lead the greatest nation on earth. Defend your answer with appropriate quotations from the Old Testament or from Kenneth Copeland, Pat Robertson, or Joel Osteen.

b. Explain The Founders' emphasis on the 100% Christian basis of the nation. Defend your answer with quotes from The Constitution, the Federalist Papers, and the writings of conservative evangelical Christian preachers. You may paraphrase or edit quotes from the Constitution and the Federalist Papers as needed to prove your points.  

2. A member of the Section F Civil Service must have a firm grasp of economic theory and policy. Answer the following question:

Show a plan for balancing the federal budget by cutting all non-defense spending and slashing taxes. Your numbers need not balance or make sense as long as your plan clearly benefits the interests of businesses and the wealthy.

3. A member of the Section F Civil Service must be prepared to deal effectively with difficult questions of law. Answer the following question:

A proposed administration policy is likely to be unconstitutional, illegal, immoral, or all three. Explain, with examples, how you would defend the policy. You may use carefully-selected and appropriately-edited quotes from the Bible, the writings of Ayn Rand, speeches by Der Furor or any conservative member of the Supreme Court, or commentaries by Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, or Fox News personalities.

4. Applicants for Section F Civil Service who are applying to the State Department must also take the Foreign Service Examination by answering the following question:

Propose a foreign policy approach which prioritizes the interests of the United States above all other nations without the need to compromise on any issue. Your proposed policy must provide for the restriction of immigration to persons from Northern European (i.e., non-shithole) countries. You may use carefully-selected and appropriately-edited quotes from the Bible, the writings of Ayn Rand, speeches by Der Furor, or commentaries by Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, or Fox News personalities to defend your approach.

This concludes Part 2 of the examination. You may proceed to Part 3, the Physical Fitness portion of the examination:

Part 3

Physical Fitness Examination

Please demonstrate your ability to perform the following physical exercises within the allotted time:

1. Elevated Right-Arm Salute. The salute must be properly rendered. It is not necessary to shout "Make America Great Again" while saluting, although it may help a less-than-perfectly executed salute achieve credit. Passing score is 60 salutes per minute.  

2. Kowtow. For full credit, the forehead must impact the floor with an audible sound and the position must be held for a minimum of three seconds. Passing score is 15 repetitions per minute, including the three-second hold.

3. Policy Contortions. Applicant must demonstrate the ability to twist into complex positions in order to accommodate discontinuities, conflicts, and contradictions in executive directions and policy guidance. Passing grade requires ability to shift between diametrically opposite positions in less than two seconds.

4. Suppression of Gag Reflex. Applicant must demonstrate the ability to defend rapidly-changing or controversial administration policies without choking. Passing grade requires no evidence of gag reflex during a two-hour mock press conference.

Part 4

Physical Appearance Evaluation

The final portion of your application for Schedule F employment is completion of the Personal Appearance Evaluation, which will ensure that your personal appearance is appropriate to the position sought. This will be scheduled and conducted in accordance with guidelines provided by the President, which are subject to change without notice and to waiver in extraordinary circumstances. Refer to the general guidelines below, which can be waived or changed without notice:

1. Caucasian (not mandatory, but strongly preferred).

2. Male - must exude strength and confidence. Perfectly-combed gray or white hair recommended for senior State Department positions and Supreme Court justices. Strong, muscular physique and square jaw required for Secretary of Defense, Service Secretaries and major commanders, and Justice Department positions down to the level of FBI Director and US Attorneys. Must look good on television from any angle, and must be shorter than the President.

3. Female - must be conventionally feminine and attractive, physically fit, with submissive posture; age range of 21-35 generally preferred. Well-groomed and styled hair required, blondes preferred (see Fox News on-air personalities for examples). Must look good on television from any angle, and must be shorter than the President.

This concludes the Civil Service Examination for Potential Schedule F Employees. Thank you once again for your interest in serving in the wasteful, bloated, and overreaching United States Government. We will notify you if you are selected for employment, which will be at the exclusive pleasure of the President and can be terminated at any time, for any reason, and without prior notice. You have been warned. Have a nice day.

*****

Think you can pass?

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Someday I'll tell you about my long-running and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to fire a useless GS-4 secretary at the Pentagon.