Really Scary Things

Halloween is almost upon us. Costume makers are cranking out hideous new masks featuring blood, fangs, and exposed innards, The Halloween Store has reappeared to sell masks, fog generators, fiberglass gravestones, and life-sized cackling animated witches (most of which look very much like my sixth-grade science teacher), and the TV channels feature spook-a-thons which recycle all the hideous horror movies they can dig out of their deepest vaults.

But beyond the opportunity to make a fast buck (and bring economic delight to the lives of dentists who repair the damage caused by ingestion of vast amounts of candy), Halloween also provides an opportunity to reflect on the things that really frighten us.

What scares you? Is it shambling, rotting zombies? Half-seen ghosts lurking in dark hallways? Guys whose idea of a hot date is a machete and a hockey mask? Women looking for commitment?

That stuff's all minor-league. This is the year 2008, and there is some very, very frightening stuff out there. Here's what scares Bilbo...

1. Single-minded, single-issue voters. If the only thing that matters to you is being able to own guns, prevent abortions, stop global warming, or deport illegal immigrants, you scare me.

2. The Internal Revenue Service. Taxes may be a necessary evil, but the IRS (Capt Picard and craziequeen, think Inland Revenue) can put the terrifying mask on that evil. No other agency of the government can make your life as much of a living hell as the IRS can, with its incomprehensible tax forms and rules and its ability to loot your bank account or send you to jail for the most innocent of accounting mistakes and the most minor of errors.

3. The Far Right and the Far Left. The worst part is that they're so busy shouting insults at each other, they don't realize how scary they are.

4. Sarah Palin. A nice lady in the wrong place at the wrong time. The prospect of this well-meaning but utterly unready lady as president is enough to make me beg Amanda for the use of her spare room in Palembang until everything blows over.

5. People Who Think They Can Call/Text/Read and Drive at the Same Time. I wrote here long ago that I think I'm most likely to die when I get run over by someone too busy chatting on his/her cell phone to notice that I'm crossing the street.

6. Absolute Religious Fundamentalists. There are people out there so absolutely convinced in their righteousness of their beliefs that they believe they're entitled to kill me if I don't believe the same way. How do you argue with someone who absolutely, totally believes he's got God's permission to do what he perceives as God's will, and isn't the least bit interested in hearing anything else?

8. Absolute Political Fundamentalists. If your entire arsenal of political argument consists of pointing at your opponent and shouting liberrraaalll!!! in a voice dripping with scorn, or if you think every conservative is a brain-dead opponent of taxation and evolution, you really scare me.

9. Democrats and Republicans Already Lawyering Up to Contest an Election That Hasn't Even Taken Place Yet. The people may speak, but it's the lawyers who get heard. That's scary.

There are more things that scare me, but this is a good start to a long list. Let's hurry up and get past Halloween and the election so that I can get to Thanksgiving and Christmas and think about good things again.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo