A Rose By Any Other Name

Yesterday's Washington Post had a very interesting article on Page 2 that caught my linguistic attention: New Orders Push to Rename Sites.

The article detailed ongoing efforts to change the names of locations and geographical features around the country which have names that are offensive to various groups. These include sites like Negro Mesa, Redskin Mountain, and Chinaman's Gulch (all in Colorado), Dead Indian Mountain (Oregon), Mulatto Run (Pennsylvania), and many hundreds of others scattered around the country.

Some believe that the push to change these names is unwarranted and represents a sort of "woke" caving to the demands of overly-sensitive minorities, but I (speaking as a lover of words and their meanings, not to mention honor and dignity) believe it's long overdue and will make the renamed places sound more natural and American.

But I also believe that we should not limit ourselves to the renaming of towns and geographical features to eliminate insensitive or racist language. We should also appropriately rename locations that are themselves offensive. The nation is dotted with tens of thousands of hazardous waste dumps, landfills, mountains of mine tailings, junkyards, sewage treatment plants, shops selling paraphernalia honoring Der Furor, and similar locations that are eyesores, dangerous to public health, or both. These, too, deserve to have appropriate names. 

Of course, I have several recommendations ...

French Lake Auto Parts, 60 miles west of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is the largest auto scrap yard in the United States, covering over 100 acres with junked cars. Because the name could be considered offensive to those of Gallic heritage, I propose it be renamed the Jim Jordan Scrapyard, after the snarlingly aggressive and unpleasant Ohio representative who is the human embodiment of the junkyard dog.

Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs) across the country produce millions of tons of concentrated animal waste which is stored in vast "lagoons." The presence of so much ... uh ... manure in a single place calls out to properly name the locations. For instance, I would name the largest manure lagoons in Texas in honor of Governor Greg Abbott, Senator Ted Cruz, Representative Louie Gohmert, and former governor and US Energy Secretary Rick Perry. There are also a large number of federal Superfund sites in Texas available for renaming, and no shortage of other "worthy" Texans.

North Carolina also has numerous CAFOs, as well as 39 federal Superfund sites ... any one (or more) of which could easily bear the name of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, herself the state's most noxious export.

The 52 federal Superfund sites and 12 alternates in Florida offer many opportunities to avoid embarrassing the responsible businesses* by renaming them for such poisonous Florida personalities as Representative Matt Gaetz, Senator Marco Rubio, and Governor Ron DeSantis. 

New York has, among many other noxious places, the horrendously polluted Love Canal site, which clearly needs a more appropriate name. It seems that disgraced former governor Andrew Cuomo and his brother, disgraced former CNN personality Chris, would both be prime candidates to donate their names to this and other sites in New York City and across the state. The renaming could lead to possible legal entanglements with Florida, however, over which state has the stronger claim on the use of Der Furor's name**.

Kentucky's 13 federal Superfund sites could be similarly renamed to honor such pestilential state figures as Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul.

Turning to West Virginia, there are eight Superfund sites crying out to be renamed in honor of Senator Joe Manchin, who lately has managed to shoot himself in his moral and reputational foot and make his name and legacy burningly toxic.

Pennsylvania is noted for the deadly Centralia coal mine fire, which has been burning since at least 1962 and has caused most of the town of Centralia to be abandoned. To avoid embarrassing the five remaining residents of the town, why not rename the fire after Representative Scott Perry, who apparently tried hard to burn down American democracy in the lead-up to the January 6th insurrection.  

And finally, because volcanoes spew huge amounts of superheated air and noxious gases, how appropriate would it be to name America's 169 active volcanoes for Faux News personalities like Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Jeanine Piro, InfoWars screaming head Alex Jones, or other conservative media personalities? These individuals, of course, are also prime candidates to lend their names to toxic sites in their states of birth, which may or may not actually have volcanoes (New York for Hannity and Piro, California for Carlson, and - where else? - Texas for Jones).

Any thoughts out there on matching appropriate names to other specific locations? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow, when we kick off the selection campaign for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Because how un-American and job-killing is it to point out the misdeeds of a private business, eh?

** Given his flexible attitude toward the legal and tax advantages and drawbacks of the different states.