Bilbo's Fee Schedule, Updated

One of the annoying facts of modern economic life is the prevalence of "junk fees" or, as I call them, "revenue vampires" - the miscellaneous fees and charges tacked onto our purchases of goods and services to allow merchants and service providers to advertise an artificially low price before slamming you with a bunch of extra charges that can boost the price you pay by 15% or more. Think I'm kidding? Look at your cable TV bill, your phone bill, your utility bills, or any hotel bill at the end of your stay.

The Biden Administration, in an example of government working for the average American rather than big business and the top 1%, has tried to go after the proliferation of junk fees. Businesses and their Republican supporters, of course, are fighting this tooth and nail, and you can bet that if Der Furor gets reelected or the GOP seizes full control of Congress, this modest attempt to protect your economic well-being will quickly disappear.

In October of last year, I announced the imposition of my own fee schedule because, you know, geese and ganders. I figured now would be a good time to revisit and update that list ...

Bilbo's Updated Fee Schedule

(effective December 20, 2023)

General Guidelines: All fees are payable in advance and on the spot either in cash, by certified check, or direct bank-to-bank transfer. No personal checks, credit cards, IOUs, foreign currency (other than Euros), or cryptocurrency accepted. No refunds. An additional charge of $15 is also assessed for each request for further explanation of any of the listed charges.

General Annoyance Mitigation Surcharge (GAMS) - a one-time charge of $100 to partially compensate me for the waste of my valuable time. Note: this fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Stupidity Exposure Mitigation Surcharge (SEMS) - a one-time charge of $250 per annoying robocall or home visit, intended to help cover the cost of aspirin and blood pressure medication. Note: this fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Concentration Interruption Fee (CIF) - a flat fee of $25 for each unsolicited telephone call or visit by a door-to-door solicitor which interrupts what I am doing. This is related to the "billable hour" fee structure used by lawyers, according to which an interruption may only actually involve a minute or two of work, but is charged the full hourly rate because it interrupts the flow of the lawyer's attention and allegedly requires the rest of the full hour for him or her to get back on track. This fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Bullshit Filtration Surcharge (BFS) - a flat fee of $75 for every political advertisement which airs during a television show or online presentation for which I am paying (through cable or other access fees). Considering the obscene amount of money spent by political campaigns, they can afford it.

Note 1: this surcharge is applied to each individual advertisement ... that is, if two political ads air back-to-back, each is subject to the BFS.  

Note 2: the BFS is applied in addition to the SEMS, GAMS, and CIF (see above), and is doubled for advertisements inserted in the middle of a video I was watching.

Note 3: the BFS also applies to advertisements for Medicare supplement insurance plans which proliferate each year in November and December. The BFS is doubled for ads repeated back-to-back. 

Wasted Appointment Time Recovery Assessment (WATRA) - a fee charged for time spent waiting to be seen after the scheduled starting time of an appointment. Calculated as 20% of the appointment fee for each 5 minutes past the scheduled appointment time.

Religious Proselytization Fee (RPF) - a flat fee of $75 to compensate for the annoyance of having to get rid of door-to-door religious missionaries. The CIF also applies, as do the following additional charges, as appropriate:

Eternal Damnation Invocation Surcharge (EDIS) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer tells me that I will burn in hell if I don't allow myself to be "saved." 

Religious Contribution Solicitation Tax (RCST) - an additional charge of $500 applies if the proselytizer solicits cash donations. The charge is increased to $1000 if the proselytizer represents a megachurch whose leader lives in a mansion and has his/her own television station and private jet. The BFS also applies.

Alternative Worship System Denial Fee (AWSDF) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer insists on the sole dominance of his/her own faith and demeans or denies the worthiness of any other faith. 

Political Party Representative Annoyance Compensation Fee (PPRACF) - a flat fee of $100 charged to any representative of a candidate for office, in addition to the CIF, SEMS, and GAMS. If the candidate himself or herself appears, the fee can be reduced to $50 at my discretion as an incentive for being willing to meet one-on-one with the common folk. The BFS may also be added if the individual invokes debunked conspiracy theories, proven falsehoods, election denial, or Der Furor by name. The following subsidiary charges may also apply:

Election Denial Tax (EDT) - a fee of $500 for refusal to accept the validity of the 2020 presidential election, or of any election the candidate refuses to concede losing. This fee is doubled if the candidate claims in advance that an upcoming election is rigged if he or she loses.

Conspiracy Theory Embrace Fee (CTEF) - a charge of $500 for each invocation of Q-Anon or any conspiracy theory as a substitute for fact-based argument. 

Der Furor Annoyance Abatement Fee (DFAAF) - a charge of $250 for each mention of Der Furor's name, regardless of context. 

Opponent Castigation Surcharge (OCS) - a charge of $150 for the first instance of blaming the candidate's opponent for something without evidence, or without offering a detailed plan to address the issue. The fee increases to $200 for each subsequent instance.

Political Contribution Solicitation Tax (PCST) - similar to the RCST applied above under the Religious Proselytization Fee. A charge of $1,000 is applied for the gall of requesting campaign contributions from ordinary citizens who are having their own troubles making ends meet, usually as a result of the action (or inaction) of the politician in question. 

Inappropriate Millinery Choice Assessment (IMCA) - a charge of $500 for showing up at my door wearing a stupid red MAGA hat.

Self-Checkout Effort Recovery Fee (SCERF) - 25% of my total bill charged to any store each time I am required to use the self-checkout. If I'm doing the store's work for them, why shouldn't I get paid for it?

This is a partial list, subject to change and update without notice. All charges are cumulative. Get off my lawn.

Have a good, uninterrupted day and enjoy what remains of the holiday season. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo