Bilbo's New Fee Schedule

Last Wednesday, President Biden announced a crackdown by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau on so-called "junk fees" - the hidden taxes, fees, charges, assessments, levies, and surcharges that run up the final cost of goods and services which had been advertised at much lower prices.

 

I've been irritated about these fees for a long time, most recently last week when our monthly bill from Verizon for telephone, internet, and television service arrived. In addition to the cost of the standard "bundle" of services and enhancements, it includes this list of "other charges;" the first four are described as "Taxes, Governmental Fees, and Surcharges;" the remainder are "Verizon Surcharges and Fees:"

Virginia Communications Sales Tax;

Virginia State Sales Tax;

E-911 Tax;

Virginia Public Rights-of-Way Use Fee;

PEG Grant Fee;

Local License Tax Surcharge;

Virginia Gross Receipts Tax Surcharge;

Federal Universal Service Fee;

Regulatory Recovery Fee - Federal;

FIOS TV Broadcast Fee; and,

FDV Administrative Charge

Added together, they account for approximately 14% of the total bill. I have no idea what most of those charges are for and under what authority they are levied other than "because we can."

Consider also our two-night hotel stay in Jersey City last month. The advertised rate for the room was already quite steep, but on top of that came these additional charges*, which amounted to approximately 16% of the total bill:

State Tax;

Occupancy Tax;

City Tax; and,

"Tax Meadowlands Regional Hotel Use Assessment" (whatever the hell that is)

And don't even get me started on the cascade of "service charges," "convenience charges**," and other such fiscal bloodsuckers that hit us at every turn.

Basically, hidden fees and charges allow businesses to maximize their profits by passing on as many of their costs as possible to unsuspecting customers, who only learn about them when it's too late.

Since it's obviously okay to do so, I have decided to start applying my own fees and surcharges, because why not. My initial fee list includes ...

Self-Checkout Effort Recovery Fee (SCERF) - 5% of the total bill charged to the store each time I use the self-checkout. If I'm doing the store's work for them, why shouldn't I get paid for it?

Wasted Appointment Time Recovery Assessment (WATRA) - a fee charged for time spent waiting to be seen after the starting time of an appointment. Calculated as 5% of the appointment fee for each 5 minutes past the scheduled appointment time.

Stupidity Exposure Mitigation Surcharge (SEMS) - a one-time charge of $250 per annoying robocall or home visit, intended to help cover the cost of aspirin and blood pressure medication. Note: this fee may be applied in addition to other types of fees and surcharges.

General Annoyance Mitigation Surcharge (GAMS) - a one-time charge of $100 to partially compensate me for the waste of my valuable time. Note: this fee may be applied in addition to other types of fees and surcharges.

Concentration Interruption Fee (CIF) - a flat fee of $10 for each unsolicited telephone call or visit by a door-to-door solicitor which interrupts what I am doing. This is distantly related to the "billable hour" charged by an attorney, which may only actually involve a few minutes of work, but is justified by the fact that it interrupts the flow of his or her attention and will require the rest of the hour to get back on track. Note: this fee may be applied in addition to other types of fees and surcharges.

Bullshit Filtration Surcharge (BFS) - a flat fee of $50 for every political advertisement which airs during a television show or online presentation for which I am paying (through cable or other access fees). Considering the obscene amount of money spent on political campaigns, they can afford it.

Note 1: this surcharge is applied to each individual advertisement ... that is, if two political ads air back-to-back, each is subject to the BFS. 

Note 2: the BFS is applied in addition to the SEMS, GAMS, and CIF (see above), and applies to each individual advertisement.

Religious Proselytization Fee (RPF) - a flat fee of $50 in compensation for the annoyance of having to get rid of door-to-door religious missionaries. The CIF also applies, as do the following additional charges, as appropriate:

Eternal Damnation Invocation Surcharge (EDIS) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer tells me that I will burn in hell if I don't allow myself to be "saved." 

Religious Contribution Solicitation Tax (RCST) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer solicits cash donations. The charge is increased to $1000 if the proselytizer represents a megachurch whose leader lives in a mansion and has his/her own television station and private jet. 

Alternative Worship System Denial Fee (AWSDF) - an additional charge of $50 applies if the proselytizer insists on the sole dominance of his/her own faith and demeans or denies the worthiness of any other worship system. 

Political Party Representative Annoyance Compensation Fee (PPRACF) - a flat fee of $100 charged to any representative of a candidate for office, in addition to the CIF, SEMS, and GAMS. If the candidate himself or herself appears, the fee can be reduced to $50 at my discretion as an incentive for being willing to meet with the common folk. The BFS may also be added if the individual invokes debunked conspiracy theories, proven falsehoods, election denial, or Der Furor by name. The following subsidiary charges may also apply:

Election Denial Tax (EDT) - a fee of $500 for refusal to accept the validity of the 2020 presidential election. 

Conspiracy Theory Embrace Fee (CTEF) - a charge of $500 for each invocation of Q-Anon or any conspiracy theory as a substitute for fact-based argument. 

Der Furor Annoyance Abatement Fee (DFAAF) - a charge of $250 for each mention of Der Furor's name, regardless of context. 

Opponent Castigation Surcharge (OCS) - a charge of $100 for the first instance of blaming the candidate's opponent for something without offering a plan to address the issue. The fee increases to $200 for each subsequent instance.

Political Contribution Solicitation Tax (PCST) - similar to the RCST applied above under the Religious Proselytization Fee. A charge of $1,000 is applied for the gall of requesting campaign contributions from ordinary citizens who are having their own troubles making ends meet. 

Inappropriate Millinery Choice Assessment (IMCA) - a charge of $100 for showing up at my door wearing a stupid red MAGA hat.

All fees are payable on the spot either in cash, by certified check, or direct bank-to-bank transfer. No personal checks, IOUs, foreign currency, or cryptocurrency accepted. No refunds. An additional charge of $15 is also assessed for each request for further explanation of any of the aforementioned charges.

Have a good day, but have it somewhere else if you're not willing to pay the appropriate charges.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Fees and surcharges layered on top of hotel room rates are one of the most popular sources of government revenue, because they hit citizens who generally live and vote in a different city or state, and are thus less likely to be a political threat or vote against those who imposed the fees.

** "Convenience charge" is one of the most despicable descriptive terms ever coined by a revenue vampire.