The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2024

May is one of two months this year (November will be the other) which offers us the opportunity to name not two, but three Ass Clown awardees, bringing back the On-Crack Ass Clown designation (thanks to fellow blogger John for the name). Having a third bite at the apple, as it were, helps to keep up with the tsunami of ass clownery that sweeps over us every day and leads us to shake our heads and mournfully ask, "they did what??"

Today, we look not to a single ass clown, but to an entire group. This will be the third group award presented this year (not counting the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year award presented to the Republican Party) - the others were the Special Award presented to the American News Media in February and the Right-Cheek Award presented to the Conservative Wing of the Supreme Court earlier this month. Group awards allow us to point out the sort of ass clownery that has become so rampant across entire categories of recipients, and keep me from having to do nothing with this blog but recognize one individual ass clown after another.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, designation as

The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2024

is awarded to

Der Furor's Protective Society

As Der Furor's trial on 34 felony counts ground on in New York City, the defendant (he hates to be called that) expressed his anger that (among many, many other things) his sycophants were being insufficiently supportive in his time of self-inflicted trial. As a result, numerous members of Congress took time out from their legislative duties to fly to New York and show their subservience to Der Furor by angrily undermining the justice system they claim is a "kangaroo court" engaging in the "political persecution" of their blameless leader. Florida Representative Matt Gaetz went so far as to parrot Der Furor's notorious admonition to the extremist "Proud Boys" during the 2020 presidential debates, assuring his leader that House Republicans were “standing back and standing by.” 

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson - second in line of succession to the Presidency - made the pilgrimage to Manhattan to call the American system of justice "corrupt," and to whine about “this ridiculous prosecution that is not about justice, it’s all about politics.”

The list of Congressional Republicans who ignored their jobs (in several cases, missing votes in Congress) in favor of flocking to New York in support of Der Furor's plea for aid included: Representatves Matt Gaetz (FL), Lauren Boebert (CO), Andy Biggs (AZ), Mike Waltz (FL), Eli Crane (AZ), Andy Ogles (TN), Anna Paulina Luna (FL), Ralph Norman (SC), and House Freedom Caucus Chair Bob Good (VA), and Senators Rick Scott (FL), J.D. Vance (OH), Tommy Tuberville (AL), and Eric Schmitt (MO). Oddly enough, many of these are angling for a chance to be the Vice President in a potential second DF administration.

As if that weren't enough, three Republican Attorneys General - the highest ranking law enforcement officials of their states - made the trip to New York to rail against Der Furor's trial in a shameful undercutting of the rule of law they are sworn to uphold: Brenna Bird of Iowa, Steve Marshall of Alabama, and Alan Wilson of South Carolina.

I have decided to refer to these despicable characters collectively as Der Furor's Protective Society - a group of individuals who have forsaken their allegiance to the Constitution and the nation in favor of craven submission to a person who would never show them the allegiance and support he demands of them. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2024, is presented to Der Furor's Protective Society - a deluded group of elected officials who have sacrificed their dignity and honor on the altar of Der Furor's angry ambition.

Have a good day, and think carefully before you cast your vote this November. Be sure the people for whom you vote are more loyal to the Constitution than to an angry, vindictive wannabe dictator.

More thoughts coming tomorrow, with the first collection of cartoons for June. See you then.

Bilbo

P.S. - I wrote this post yesterday morning (May 30th), before the announcement of the across-the-board guilty verdict in Der Furor's trial. We should note that Der Furor's Protective Society has continued to rail against the justice system, although it has delivered a verdict based on hard evidence and testimony under oath ... two things notably absent in the grievance politics of the GOP and the MAGA world.

The Questions That Don't Get Asked

The mainstream news media is pissing me off.

I'm sick and tired of useless softball interviews with political and business figures that accept vague, disingenuous answers and fail aggressively to point out and follow up on obvious evasions and outright lies. 

The fourth estate is proud of its claim to hold the powerful to account, but it does no such thing any more, to the extent it ever did. There are hard questions that need to be asked and honest, direct answers that need to be wrested from those who would rather not give them. The media is allowing them to get away with it.

Here's my partial list of questions the news media ought to be pursuing with all vigor as we enter what may well be the most important election in generations:

1. To anyone - particularly an elected official - who claims that the 2020 election was stolen:

a. What is your evidence? Specific evidence, not rumor and innuendo.

b. Who provided it to you? Cui bono?

c. What have you done to confirm the truth and accuracy of that evidence? 

d. Why have you not brought this evidence to be tried in a court of law that requires proof and testimony under oath? 

e. If you are an ordinary voter who is accusing your local election officials of misdeeds, what training in your state's election law and procedures have you completed that qualify you to identify problems?

2. To any politician who will not commit to respecting the results of the upcoming election:

a. What specific evidence makes you think that the upcoming election (or any future election) will not be fair? Again, what specific evidence do you have, as opposed to vague allegations designed to sow distrust if you lose?

b. See questions 1b, 1c, and 1d above. You have a responsibility to ensure that we can have confidence in our free and fair elections ... if you have evidence that this is not the case, you have a legal and moral obligation to make that evidence public. If you don't, just sit down, shut up, and let the adults lead.

c. What evidence will you accept as proof that the election was fair? "we'll lose only if they cheat" or "we'll see" is not evidence. I ABSOLUTELY FAIL TO UNDERSTAND WHY NO NEWS REPORTER HAS YET ASKED THIS OF ANY POLITICAL FIGURE OR THEIR SUPPORTERS.

 

 

3. To corporate executives in general:

a. Why are consumer prices so high, given that your profits allow you to engage in large-scale stock buybacks and huge executive salaries? 

 

 

b. What is the ratio of your salary and benefits to that of your average non-executive employee? While acknowledging that you have more responsibilities than your average non-executive employee, do you believe that ratio is fair?

 

c. Does your lowest-paid employee earn a combination of salary and benefits that will cover the cost of food and housing each month for their family?  Why not?

 

d. Can an employee earning the median salary you offer afford to purchase your products? 

4. For food industry executives:

a. Why do increases in food prices exceed the rate of inflation?

b. How do you explain "shrinkflation" - the practice of charging a higher price for a smaller quantity of your product? 

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Those who would lead us owe us straightforward answers to difficult questions. It's high time the media actually started doing their jobs and demanding them.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

If you've been with me for long, you know that I enjoy writing (and receiving) ink-on-paper, handwritten letters. I haven't been the best correspondent over the last year or so, but I need to get back into the swing of letter writing before Mr DeJoy's Postal Service prices the pastime out of reach for us old retired folks.

I recently ran across this great poem by Wystan Hugh (W. H.) Auden that speaks to those of us who still treasure the good old letter ... 

Night Mail

by W. H. Auden

This is the night mail crossing the Border,

Bringing the cheque and the postal order,

Letters for the rich, letters for the poor,

The shop at the corner, the girl next door.

Pulling up Beattock, a steady climb:

The gradient's against her, but she's on time.

Past cotton-grass and moorland boulder

Shovelling white steam over her shoulder,

Snorting noisily as she passes

Silent miles of wind-bent grasses.

Birds turn their heads as she approaches,

Stare from bushes at her blank-faced coaches.

Sheep-dogs cannot turn her course;

They slumber on with paws across.

In the farm she passes no one wakes,

But a jug in a bedroom gently shakes.

Dawn freshens, Her climb is done.

Down towards Glasgow she descends,

Towards the steam tugs yelping down a glade of cranes

Towards the fields of apparatus, the furnaces

Set on the dark plain like gigantic chessmen.

All Scotland waits for her:

In dark glens, beside pale-green lochs

Men long for news.

Letters of thanks, letters from banks,

Letters of joy from girl and boy,

Receipted bills and invitations

To inspect new stock or to visit relations,

And applications for situations,

And timid lovers' declarations,

And gossip, gossip from all the nations,

News circumstantial, news financial,

Letters with holiday snaps to enlarge in,

Letters with faces scrawled on the margin,

Letters from uncles, cousins, and aunts,

Letters to Scotland from the South of France,

Letters of condolence to Highlands and Lowlands

Written on paper of every hue,

The pink, the violet, the white and the blue,

The chatty, the catty, the boring, the adoring,

The cold and official and the heart's outpouring,

Clever, stupid, short and long,

The typed and the printed and the spelt all wrong.

Thousands are still asleep,

Dreaming of terrifying monsters

Or of friendly tea beside the band in Cranston's or Crawford's:

Asleep in working Glasgow, asleep in well-set Edinburgh,

Asleep in granite Aberdeen,

They continue their dreams,

But shall wake soon and hope for letters,

And none will hear the postman's knock

Without a quickening of the heart,

For who can bear to feel himself forgotten? 

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. I'll get back to writing more thoughts to you sooner or later.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Boy, am I glad this month is nearly over ... 

In the latest display of self-serving political contortion, Nikki Haley has endorsed Der Furor (who she previously described as "unhinged and unstable") in the upcoming election; the European Union has denounced Russia's removal of 24 of 50 buoys marking sailing routes on its border with Estonia on the Narva River; in a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has effectively eliminated any chance that racially-based gerrymandering of Congressional districts can be controlled, arguing that courts must assume "good faith" rather than racial bias in the drawing of districts; the International Court of Justice has ruled that Israel must halt its military offensive in Rafah in southern Gaza*; and in - of course - Florida, a priest has been arrested after allegedly biting a woman who complained he "wouldn't give [her] the cookie" during communion. 

I really enjoy cooking, and I have a lot of cartoons about food, cooking, restaurants, and related topics. In spite of the fact that I spend a lot of time lately sick to my stomach over the news, I thought I'd go ahead and have a food-centric Cartoon Saturday this week. 

This is how we usually cook at home ...

I know people like this ... fortunately, they aren't people we dine with often ...

I have a lot of nifty kitchen gadgets, but a trebuchet is not one of them ...

I feel like this sometimes when a recipe turns out to be a lot more work than I thought ...

If you've ever tried cooking spinach, you can relate to this one. The one year that I planted spinach in my garden, the entire harvest wasn't enough for two servings once it cooked down ...

This is the logical outcome of people who insist on imposing their religious beliefs on the rest of us ...

I really liked this one ...

Agnes makes a bunch of wonderful lentil dishes. Fortunately, she's gotten the measurements down over the years ...

This isn't really a cartoon, but I loved the caption that came with it: "Pesto Bismol" ...

I think I'll have a different cocktail this time ...

Have a good day and a great holiday weekend, and come back tomorrow for Poetry Sunday's salute to the humble letter. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Yeah, I'm sure they'll stop right away.

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

Here we go with our last collection of Great Moments for the month of May ...

A one-dollar charge for nothing?? The more ice they can put in your drink, the less drink they have to give you; it makes economic sense, if you're the one selling the drinks ...

The word "honest" seems out of place in an ad placed by an attorney ...

I'd have to know what the exchange rate is before I decide ...

Buglers are bad, but accordion and banjo players would be worse ...

The GPS has located Empty G ...

I'm shocked ... SHOCKED, I tell you! ...

So, do you pay yourself to valet park your own car? ...

I can't think of anything I can say that won't get me in trouble, so I'll just leave this one here ...

There's a silver lining in that dark cloud ...

It must be an attempt to find alternative employment for fallen ladies ...

Have a good day, and just go with "light ice" in your drink. More thoughts tomorrow, when we celebrate the final Cartoon Saturday of the month ... see you then.

Bilbo

Ass Clown Special Award

As my regular readers know, I generally present Ass Clown awards twice a month, alternating with Great Moments in Editing and Signage. Twice a year, though, the structure of the month allows for three, rather than two awards, and the current month is such a one - the On-Crack Ass Clown for May will be awarded on Friday the 31st. 

As you also know (and I shouldn't need to remind you), the proliferation of disgust-worthy ass clowns and the staggering degree of their ass-clownery is such that I find it necessary to present an occasional Special Award to keep up with the volume ... and this is such a time.

I had drafted and completed last Friday's award (to Florida Federal Judge Aileen Cannon) before two other extremely strong contenders appeared on the scene, and so ...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present a dual

Ass Clown Special Award

to not one, but two deserving ass clowns:

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito

and

Harrison Butker

Let's discuss them one at a time, shall we?

I find it very distressing to note that I have presented three consecutive awards to members of the Supreme Court and federal judiciary. In a nation that prides itself on the fantasy of the impartial rule of law, a depressing number of the nation's judges have put politics and partisanship above the fair administration of justice. So it is with Justice Samuel Alito, one of the most stridently and arrogantly conservative members of a bench stacked with rigidly conservative jurists. In a story broken last week by the Washington Post, it was revealed that Justice Alito - while the Supreme Court was dealing with the fallout from the January 6th, 2021, assault on the Capitol by Der Furor's mob - flew an upside-down U.S. flag in front of his home. An upside-down flag is a recognized symbol of a nautical vessel in distress, as well as a symbol widely used by Der Furor's partisans to show their belief that the 2020 election was "stolen." In true modern fashion, when the storm over this action broke, Justice Alito blamed it on his wife and refused calls to recuse himself from cases dealing with Der Furor and the events of January 6th.

Our second special awardee is a football player named Harrison Butker who, in a 20-minute commencement speech at Benedictine College* in Kansas, said most of the women receiving degrees were probably more excited about getting married and having children, and that some Catholic leaders were “pushing dangerous gender ideologies onto the youth of America.” He went on to say that “I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you,” and that “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world." One wonders whether a young woman who has invested in a college education shares Mr Butker's misogynistic view of the role of women in modern America.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present two tinfoil and toilet paper crowns as Ass Clown Special Awards: one to Star Chamber Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito and the other to Handmaid's Tale spokesman Harrison Butker. 

I really can't make this stuff up.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

* A private Catholic liberal arts college. 

Musical Sunday

Tomorrow, May 20th, marks the anniversary of the 1949 creation of the Armed Forces Security Agency, the predecessor of today's National Security Agency - the nation's organization for cyber security and signals and digital intelligence collection. With this in mind, it seems like a good time to remember this Elvis Presley tune from the 1962 film Girls, Girls, Girls ...

Can you hear me now?

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend ... at least here in NoVa, it looks like it might actually be the first decent day, weather-wise, in a while. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

I object!! Oh ... wait ... life has overruled me. 

An upside-down U.S. flag, a recognized symbol of distress adopted by Trump supporters contesting the Biden victory, flew over the home of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito while the Supreme Court was considering a case relating to the 2020 election ... and Alito blamed it on his wife; a meeting of the House Oversight Committee, already a laughingstock over its fumblingly inept and evidence-free attempts to impeach President Biden, devolved into a noisy exchange of childish taunts after Georgia Representative Empty G suggested that Florida Representative Jasmine Crockett didn't understand the purpose of the hearing because "... your fake eyelashes are messing up what you’re reading;” President Biden and Der Furor have agreed to two pre-election debates, although Der Furor's quibbling over the rules began almost immediately; a controversial new portrait of King Charles III of Great Britain was unveiled this week; and in Tampa, Florida, an upscale restaurant was discovered decorating its very expensive plates with "mildly toxic" ferns harvested from a plot behind the restaurant often used by dog walkers to relieve their pets. 

This week, in "honor" of the armies of lawyers who daily torture justice until it meets the requirements of their wealthy clients, a collection of cartoons about the legal profession. 

There must be something in the laws of war that prohibits such barbarity ...

If Der Furor ever finally faces justice on all the felonies he's been charged with, we'll really have to scrape the bottom of the potential juror barrel ...

Truth!!

Why not? They get paid either way ...

It's pretty accurate ...

When you date lawyers ...

I'm not sure I'd have gone with this defense, as most lawyers don't tend to be good sports ...

He got the wrong lawyer to review his business plan ...

Behind the scenes in New York ...

I think he'll be pretty lonely if he gets in ...

Have a legally sound and fiscally sufficient weekend, and come back tomorrow for a Musical Sunday salute to the watchers no one's watching. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2024

We are just over halfway through the merry and, in NoVa at least, soggy month of May, and it's time to announce the second of our three Ass Clown Awards for the month. The current tidal wave of potential political, social, and quasi-religious potential awardees makes a selection difficult ... but not impossible, as one dishonoree has consistently stood out as being worthy of wearing the tinfoil and toilet paper crown.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, designation as

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2024

is bestowed upon

Judge Aileen Cannon

Judge Aileen Cannon was appointed to the federal bench by Der Furor as one of his lame-duck measures after losing the 2020 election. She was subsequently assigned by lottery to try the federal case against Der Furor for his deliberate retention and improper storage and use of sensitive, highly-classified government records, and has been deeply criticized by other judges and legal scholars for her extraordinarily lenient and favorable treatment of Der Furor and his attorneys, and her slow-walking of the case which virtually ensures that it will not actually go to trial until after the November election ... if ever.

The list of Judge Cannon's missteps in this critically important case is long and distressing - too long to summarize in this post. For a thorough and well-documented history of her botched handling of the case, I encourage you to read this detailed, but very readable summary by law professor, former federal prosecutor, and legal analyst and commentator Joyce Vance: Mar-a-No-Go. Ms Vance paints a damning picture of a judge who is both out of her depth and plainly anxious to protect the man who appointed her to the bench.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2024, is Florida Federal District Court Judge Aileen Cannon - a jurist who clearly proves that there are two standards of justice in the United States ... and that they favor the rich and powerful at the expense of the nation.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow when Cartoon Saturday helps us wash the taste of judicial misconduct out of our mouths.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

Dorothy Parker, a charter member of the famous Algonquin Round Table, was a marvelously witty author, poet, critic, and social commentator. In this poem, she reflects on the inner thoughts of a lady who is - outwardly, at least - the very image of propriety ...

Song of Perfect Propriety

by Dorothy Parker

Oh, I should like to ride the seas,

A roaring buccaneer;

A cutlass banging at my knees,

A dirk behind my ear.

And when my captives' chains would clank

I'd howl with glee and drink,

And then fling out the quivering plank

And watch the beggars sink.

I'd like to straddle gory decks, 

And dig in laden sands,

And know the feel of throbbing necks

Between my knotted hands.

Oh, I should like to strut and curse 

Among my blackguard crew....

But I am writing little verse,

As little ladies do.

Oh, I should like to dance and laugh

And pose and preen and sway,

And rip the hearts of men in half, 

And toss the bits away.

I'd like to view the reeling years

Through unastonished eyes, 

And dip my finger-tips in tears, 

And give my smiles for sighs.

I'd stroll beyond the ancient bounds,

And tap at fastened gates, 

And hear the prettiest of sound-

The clink of shattered fates.

My slaves I’d like to bind with thongs

That cut and burn and chill...

But I am writing little songs,

As little ladies will.

Aye, matey, you'd best treat that lady with care!

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Honor your mother. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

As my Dad would have said, if this week had been a fish, I'd have thrown it back. 

The House of Representatives easily rejected an attempt by extremist Republicans to oust Mike Johnson as Speaker of the House; Russian authorities in Vladivostok have arrested an American soldier* on charges of theft; presidential wannabe Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, told interviewers he is in good health despite suffering from a brain parasite more than a decade ago; the supreme leader of the Taliban confirmed that public stoning and flogging would remain as punishments for crimes**, especially those committed by women; and in Los Angeles, Hertz charged a customer $277 refueling charge for returning his rental car - a fully-electric Tesla Model 3 with no gas tank - without a full tank of gas, and refused to remove the charge, telling the customer that "your signed rental agreement [shows] that you are fully aware of the fuel option that was added on the contract."

My oldest granddaughter is getting married this summer, so I figured it was time to go to the files and pull out a collection of cartoons about weddings ... 

Nowadays, you've gotta have a lawyer for everything ...

This is not a good sign ...

Neither is this ...

Full disclosure, indeed ...

It seems this might have been worked out in advance ...

This one's personal ... when Agnes and I married in Germany, I was convinced that the combination of German and US marriage regulations would only be satisfied when the weight of the paperwork equalled the weight of the bride ...

It's how we do things nowadays, isn't it? ...

Hyphenation is soooo last year ...

You can get into serious accidents when you're overly distracted ...

I guess she moderated her standards ...

And that's it for this week's wedding-themed Cartoon Saturday. Did you enjoy it? Say, "I did."

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when the matchless Dorothy Parker visits for Poetry Sunday. See you then.

Bilbo

* Who was dumb enough to be in Russia at a time like this.

** Haibatullah Akhundzada, the Taliban's supreme leader, scoffed at foreign outrage, saying that "You may call it a violation of women's rights when we publicly stone or flog them for committing adultery because they conflict with your democratic principles... [But] I represent Allah, and you represent Satan." He was apparently talking about Der Furor.