Poetry Sunday

Today is the last day of 2023, and it's only fitting that we should end the year with a poem that looks ahead to the coming year ... which we hope (against all evidence) will be better than its predecessor. 

New Year Poem 

by May Sarton 

Let us step outside for a moment

As the sun breaks through clouds

And shines on wet new fallen snow,

And breathe the new air.

So much has died that had to die this year.

We are dying away from things.

It is a necessity—we have to do it

Or we shall be buried under the magazines,

The too many clothes, the too much food.

We have dragged it all around

Like dung beetles

Who drag piles of dung

Behind them on which to feed,

In which to lay their eggs.

Let us step outside for a moment

Among ocean, clouds, a white field,

Islands floating in the distance.

They have always been there.

But we have not been there.

We are going to drive slowly

And see the small poor farms,

The lovely shapes of leafless trees

Their shadows blue on the snow.

We are going to learn the sharp edge

Of perception after a day’s fast.

There is nothing to fear.

About this revolution…

Though it will change our minds.

Aggression, violence, machismo

Are fading from us

Like old photographs

Faintly ridiculous

(Did a man actually step like a goose

To instill fear?

Does a boy have to kill

To become a man?)

Already there are signs.

Young people plant gardens.

Fathers change their babies’ diapers

And are learning to cook.

Let us step outside for a moment.

It is all there

Only we have been slow to arrive

At a way of seeing it.

Unless the gentle inherit the earth

There will be no earth.

Have a good day, enjoy the rest of your weekend, celebrate New Year's Eve safely, and be sure to cast those final votes for the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year, who will be announced in this spot tomorrow. See you then, to begin a new year full of more thoughts.

Bilbo

P.S. - Here are the top five vote getters in the ACOY contest, as of the time I publish this post. You only have about 18 more hours to get your votes in, so get cracking!

The Republican Party/GOP - 565

Rudy Giuliani - 500

Moms for Liberty - 491

MAGAts - 403

Greg Abbott - 265

and yes, Kanye West is still dead last with one vote.

B.

Cartoon Saturday

I don't think any of us will be sorry to see this misbegotten year depart ... 

As controversy over the development and influence of artificial intelligence grows, the New York Times has sued the firm OpenAI and Microsoft Corporation for using its articles without permission or compensation to train chatbots; Second Amendment zealots across the country are lowering their Gadsden Flags to half-mast in memory of weapons designer Gaston Glock, who died this past Wednesday at the age of 96 ... perversely enough, from natural causes rather than gunfire; drivers of electric cars in Philadelphia are angry because the city government is monopolizing the city's limited number of public charging stations to charge city-owned vehicles; Republicans in Colorado have, unsurprisingly, appealed the state's supreme court ruling that Donald Trump was ineligible to run for president to the US Supreme Court; and in (where else?) Florida, a woman was arrested on Christmas Eve and charged with beating her boyfriend with a Christmas tree over his alleged infidelity. 

For our last Cartoon Saturday of the year, I've decided to go with a collection of cartoons about magicians. After all, what sort of person do we need to pull the nation out of its political and social doldrums? As Will Rogers once said - "We shouldn’t elect a President. We should elect a magician."

I wonder who might have made those calls ...

It probably made the dry cleaner's day more interesting ...

Why the Mafia doesn't hire magicians ...

Unintended consequences ...

Planning ahead ...

A magician isn't necessarily the best person for kitchen prep work ...

It's a sad day ...

I think there's a winner here ...

This is how I leave the house, too ...

Some jars just don't want to open, no matter what ...

And that's it for our last Cartoon Saturday of 2023 ... I hope these weekly compilations have helped you get through the trials and tribulations of a weird year, and prepare you for an even weirder year to come.

Have a good day, enjoy your weekend, and be very careful as you plan for the coming New Year's Eve celebrations - I want to see you all back here on January 1st, safe and healthy, if hung over.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

P.S. - Here are the current top five vote-getters in the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year contest. Time's running out before the digital ballot box closes tomorrow night at midnight - you still have time to cast additional votes, so get cracking and make sure your voice is heard ...

The Republican Party/GOP - 515

MAGAts - 403

Rudy Giuliani - 400

Moms for Liberty - 291

Greg Abbott - 199

and Kanye West is still in last place with 1 lonely vote.

Bilbo

The On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2023

Well, Dear Readers, we've come down to the final Ass Clown award for 2023. As years go, this one was so full of amazingly talented ass clowns that I could probably have presented this award daily, rather than two or three times a month (plus the occasional special award), and still have had deserving recipients left over. We've presented 28 awards so far this year, so let's get to the 29th and last.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, as trumpets blare flatulently and streamers of shredded documents flutter from above, we announce that the award for 

The On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2023

is presented to

Der Furor

I realize that presenting this award to someone who has already won 15 times* could be viewed as simply plucking low-hanging fruit, but in the 12 years I've been presenting these awards**, no one has done more to stand out from the other chunks swirling in the cesspool of ass-clownery. Today's award is presented largely as a result of this utterly insane holiday message Der Furor has inflicted on readers trying to enjoy the peace and goodwill of the season: 

Perhaps it's just me, but "may they rot in Hell" (all in caps, no less) is not generally considered a greeting appropriate for the holiday season, and certainly not an appropriate sentiment for a person seeking election to the presidency once again. And this is but one example of the selfish, angry drivel this mediocre man keeps pumping out daily to a mystifyingly adoring audience.

I cannot understand why any rational person could possibly think someone who could write a diatribe like this should be elected to any office of responsibility ... much less to the presidency.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the On-Crack Ass Clown for 2023, our last awardee of the year, is Der Furor - a man who clearly belongs in a mental institution rather than the White House.

Have a good day, and be sure to cast your votes for the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year. Voting ends at midnight on Sunday, December 31st (New Year's Eve), and the winner will be announced in this space on January 1st, 2024. Vote early, vote often, and come back tomorrow for our final Cartoon Saturday of 2023! More thoughts then.

In the meantime, here are the current top five leaders in the Ass Clown of the Year voting ... make sure your voice is heard - get those votes in by midnight, December 31st!!

The Republican Party/GOP - 435

MAGAts - 400

Rudy Giuliani - 330

Moms for Liberty - 280

Greg Abbott - 190   

The lowest vote-getter at this point is Kanye West, with 1.

Bilbo

* 10 individual awards (including a lifetime achievement award that has since been rescinded), 4 shared awards, and Ass Clown of the Year for 2015) 

** Der Furor was the very first Ass Clown awardee, back on April 17, 2011 ... back when I was still willing to actually defile pen and paper by writing his name. Or my computer by typing it. Same difference.

Bilbo's Bucket and Anti-Bucket Lists, Updated

You all remember what a bucket list is, right? It's the list of things you want to do before you "kick the bucket," as the old saying goes. I published my initial five-item bucket list back in August of 2008, and have updated it several times, last in January of this year, by which time it was down to four items, from a one-time high of eight. Now that the year is almost gome, I've decided to update my Bucket List once again:

1. Dance at the Weddings of All My Grandchildren. This was #1 on all previous lists, and remains at #1. I’ll make the first step on it this coming July, when my oldest grandchild, Marcy, ties her knot.

2. Hold My First (at Least) Great-Grandchild and Read to Him or Her. This was #2 on all previous lists, and holds steady. No change. I held and read to each of my children and grandchildren, and want to carry the tradition forward with as many of my great-grandchildren as I can. 

3. Visit Vienna, Warsaw, Prague, and Budapest. My original list had only two cities on it: St Petersburg (the one in Russia, not the one in Florida) and Vienna. St Petersburg fell off the list when we visited there for two days during our 2016 Baltic cruise (back when we were still getting along with the Russians), and I replaced it with Warsaw, Prague, and Budapest. We’d hoped to get to Vienna last year, but my knee replacement surgery intervened ... we’re hoping to get there later this year.

4. Publish at Least One Book. This has been on the list since the beginning, but I'm slowly inching closer. Last year I finished the first draft of a novel, which I'm still polishing after incorporating comments made by my nephew Eddie, who is a high school English teacher. We’re getting there, one edit at a time.

These seem reasonable for a guy my age and in reasonable health, so we'll see how it goes.

But wait, there's more!

A new “thing” that cropped up a while back was the “Anti-Bucket List” ... a compilation of the things people would never do or, having done once, would never consider doing again. I thought it was an interesting thing to consider, and last year in this space, I posted my initial Anti-Bucket List. There were five items on it back then; I’ve decided to keep the number to five and to revise it a bit for the new year: 

1. Vote Republican (#4 on the previous list). I was a Republican for a long time, until I gave up in disgust during the second George W. Bush administration. The nation needs a principled and responsible conservative party to balance liberal policies which are well-meaning but sometimes unrealistic or unsustainable ... but today's angry and nihilistic Republican party and its despicably self-centered and petulant leader certainly isn't it. If you liked the fascism of the 1940s, you'll love the party of today's MAGAts.

2. Smoke (#1 on the original list). It's a nasty, dirty, smelly, and unhealthy habit with no socially redeeming qualities. I never have, never will, and don't enjoy being around those who do. You've been warned.

3. Take "Recreational" Drugs (#2 on the previous list). My doctor already has me taking so many different pills that I rattle when I walk ... why make things worse?

4. Drink to Excess (#3 on the original list). I love a good glass of wine or a well-made cocktail, and will never give those up. The last time I was truly and embarrassingly drunk was in 1973, and I still hate to think about it*. I'm never doing that again.

5. Skydive (holding at #5). I see no point in jumping out of an airplane that isn't on fire. My brother was an Army paratrooper and I have friends who have gone skydiving (yes, Silvia, I'm talking to you!), but I'll just keep the old seat belt fastened, thank you very much.

There are a lot more things I could put on this list, but I think I'll save them for another day. What's on your bucket and anti-bucket lists? Leave a comment. I promise not to tell.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* As far as I know, the only remaining witness to the aftermath of that sorry event is my old friend Toni, who has had the grace to remain silent about it for all these years.

Christmas Day, 2023

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Day, the day on which Christians* around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, whose lessons and example many of them find admirable in theory but annoying to follow in practice. Beyond the Christian world, it is a season for general good cheer, the exchange of gifts, an opportunity for hypocritical politicians to tweet biblical verses they neither understand nor follow, and a month of generally uplifting and sentimental television shows which temporarily offset the sex, violence, and cynicism of the rest of the year.

We’ve long bemoaned the commercialization of Christmas, in which the purchase and exchange of gifts has replaced thoughtful contemplation and love of family and friends. But for years now, Christmas has been politicized just like everything else. Conservative shouting heads anxious to stoke the culture wars for political gain moan bitterly about an imagined “war on Christmas,” and both Christians and non-Christians complain about discrimination because they don’t want to be exposed to religious holiday ideas and traditions which are not their own. Angry fools object to hearing a generic “Happy Holidays” or "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hanukkah," "Happy Solstice," "Happy Kwanzaa," "Happy Festivus," or other seasonal holiday greeting. Nuisance lawsuits force towns and cities to remove some displays from public places, or to install others more to their religious (or non-religious) liking. The Grinch lives on.

The once-happy season is increasingly characterized more by Scrooge than by Santa. Being of good cheer becomes increasingly difficult because of poisonous differences among family and friends over tribal politics and differing visions of the country’s history and its future. It’s hard to understand how people we love can be blinded by the disgraceful lies and bullying of Der Furor and his adherents. And it’s difficult to feel good about celebrating when so many people’s lives are lost or ruined by war in Ukraine, Gaza, Yemen, and other places.

The traditional Christmas story that most of us recognize is told in the Bible in the second chapter of the gospel of Matthew:

2:8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

2:9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

2:10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

2:11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

2:12 And this shall be a sign unto you; You shall find the Babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

2:14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Whatever happened to the part about “peace on earth and good will toward men**?” It seems to have been replaced by “peace on earth, goodwill only to those who agree with me, and the rest of you can go to Hell.” It’s been replaced by rigid intolerance and stiff-necked self-righteousness that belie both the spirit of the season and the values and teachings of the person whose birth is being celebrated.

Nevertheless, for those willing to put aside their political and cultural tunnel vision and petty carping and hatreds, the Christmas season offers a time for joy and renewal, regardless of the religious tradition they profess to follow. It’s a season in which persons of goodwill can come together and treat each other like human beings instead of despised “others” … if, of course, they’re willing to bend enough to do so.

And it is, above all, a season for children, who have not yet been spoiled by the cynicism and hatred they’ll learn all too soon. The look on a child’s face on Christmas morning is a wonderful thing, and it reminds us that there is still joy to be found in life, if only we can get past the greed, selfishness, religious bigotry, and political chicanery.

And so, Dear Readers, Agnes and I wish all of you a very joyous holiday of your choice and a safe, happy, and healthy new year. It's just got to be better than the last few ...

Have a peaceful, loving, and reflective day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Real Christians who follow the example of Jesus Christ, not the noisy, ignorant, arrogant, heavily-armed, and intolerant sort so prevalent here in modern America.

** Okay, “persons.” Don’t get your holiday knickers in a twist

Christmas Eve, 2023

You may have come here looking for either music or poetry, today being Sunday, but such is the 2023 calendar that today is not just any Sunday, but Christmas Eve, to which I traditionally dedicate a post of its own. Poetry Sunday will return one week from today on December 31st, the last day of 2023, giving us an opportunity to mark the end of a year which I doubt many of us will miss.

But enough of all that.

Today is Sunday, December 24th, the day of Christmas Eve, when millions of people across the nation and the world frantically await the arrival of the elves from FedEx and UPS and Amazon with gifts bought online that were "guaranteed" to arrive by Christmas. Tonight, children will set out milk and cookies for Santa and desperately try to stay up late in hopes of seeing him, parents will use salty language as they try to deal with the toy for which "some assembly (is) required*," and stores will sell out of the batteries they didn't realize they needed for that toy they had to assemble.

Here's a timely quote from Dave Barry:

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space**"

Ah, the holidays!

No peace on earth, though.

Today's commentary is fairly short ... I'll have more to say tomorrow in my traditional, somewhat updated, Christmas Day post. I'll just warn you to be careful if you plan to go out today - not just because the stores will all be madhouses (despite online shopping), parking lots will look like the beaches of 1944 Normandy, and drivers will be more distracted than usual, but because all too many of your fellow Christmas shoppers will arrogantly and petulantly engage in behavior*** that will mean some families next Christmas will have fewer people around the tree and the table.

And I want to see you all safe and happy tomorrow.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* "Some assembly required" is the shortened version of the statement, "Assistance by credentialed mechanical or electrical engineers is required."

** This was one of my mother's favorite cartoons.

*** For example, refusal to vaccinate and insistence on packing maximum iron at all times.

P.S. - Meaning no offense to the general thoughtfulness and quite contemplation of Christmas Eve, we nevertheless need to present our usual update of the voting for Ass Clown of the Year. Here are the standings as of the time of today's publication:

Rudi Giuliani - 205

Moms for Liberty - 156

Jim Jordan - 72

Empty G - 59

Kevin McCarthy - 53

Kari Lake and The Republican Party/GOP (tie) - 50

James Comer - 46

George Santos - 18

You have until midnight on December 31st to cast your votes, so get cracking! Vote early, vote often. If you have any questions about the rules, or want to review this year's previous Right-Cheek, Left-Cheek, On-Crack, and Special Award winners, check this post. 

B.

Cartoon Saturday

Whatever happened to all that "peace on Earth and good will to men" stuff? ... 

In a major and controversial decision, Pope Francis announced that Catholic priests may bless same-sex couples in informal settings on a case-by-case basis, although the Church still does not recognize same-sex marriages; the Colorado Supreme Court has banned Der Furor from the ballot in the upcoming presidential election for his participation in the January 6th, 2021, insurrection; disgraced attorney and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani declared bankruptcy after a jury awarded nearly $150 million in damages to two election workers he had defamed; in the worst mass shooting ever recorded in the Czech Republic, a student murdered at least 14 people and injured more than 20 others at a university in Prague; and in Las Vegas, a man stopped by police for having a homemade license plate on his stolen car was also found to have a fake ID, bags of assorted keys, and numerous fake credit and debit cards; the suspect was identified through mug shots and tattoos, which included “Williams” across the man’s back, his daughter’s first name beside the surname “Williams,” and a tattoo reading “Est. 78″ on his chest, leading to the belief that he was born in 1978.

Christmas is almost here, so let's go with our third and final Christmas-themed Cartoon Saturday for 2023 ... 

Well, it's an understandable mistake ...

You have to wonder if the three Wise Men understood all the implications ...

I have the same problem with my GPS ...

Don't follow that lone star to Texas, either ...

Well, that explains a lot of things ...

She'd better get out of the sun, though ...

This one haunts me every year ...

He didn't read the fine print of the enlistment contract ...

The older I get, the more this style of Christmas decoration appeals to me ...

Ah, he's finally gotten to the MAGAts ...

And that's it for the last Christmas-themed Cartoon Saturday and the next-to-last Cartoon Saturday of the year. I hope you enjoyed it.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve - you might want to try to be nice to each other. 

Have a good day and a wonderful, peaceful holiday weekend. Don't forget to cast your votes for the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year! More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

P.S. - Speaking of the Ass Clown of the Year voting, here are the top 5 contestants at this point:

Rudi Giuliani - 205

Moms for Liberty - 156

The Republican Party/GOP - 75

Jim Jordan/Kari Lake (tie) - 50

Empty G - 37

You still have eight days to vote before balloting ends at midnight on December 31st - vote early, vote often!

B.

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

It's the last batch of the year ... enjoy!

For that hard-to-please MAGAt on your holiday list ...

I don't think I'll be petting him ...

I'm glad they cleared that up ...

Fight those children!

Um ... next question, please ...

I think someone may have misread the calendar ...

It's too late to enter the GOP presidential candidates debates ...

I knew the job market was tough, but this is crazy ...

I know where I'm parking from now on ...

I think I'll get this for the Moms for Liberty lady so she'll have clean sheets for her next threesome ...

And there you have it - the last collection of editorial and signage gems for 2023! I hope you've enjoyed them, and that you'll send me copies of any good ones you see in your daily life ... I'm always looking for new material

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for the last Cartoon Saturday before Christmas. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

P.S. - Don't forget that voting is underway for the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year award. If you have not voted (or voted enough) yet, here are the top vote-getters:

Moms for Liberty - 156

Rudy Giuliani - 105

The Republican Party, Jim Jordan, and Kari Lake - 50 each

James Comer - 36

Empty G - 16

George Santos - 3

Let your voice be heard! Vote early, vote often, and remember that balloting ends at midnight, December 31st.

Bilbo

Bilbo's Fee Schedule, Updated

One of the annoying facts of modern economic life is the prevalence of "junk fees" or, as I call them, "revenue vampires" - the miscellaneous fees and charges tacked onto our purchases of goods and services to allow merchants and service providers to advertise an artificially low price before slamming you with a bunch of extra charges that can boost the price you pay by 15% or more. Think I'm kidding? Look at your cable TV bill, your phone bill, your utility bills, or any hotel bill at the end of your stay.

The Biden Administration, in an example of government working for the average American rather than big business and the top 1%, has tried to go after the proliferation of junk fees. Businesses and their Republican supporters, of course, are fighting this tooth and nail, and you can bet that if Der Furor gets reelected or the GOP seizes full control of Congress, this modest attempt to protect your economic well-being will quickly disappear.

In October of last year, I announced the imposition of my own fee schedule because, you know, geese and ganders. I figured now would be a good time to revisit and update that list ...

Bilbo's Updated Fee Schedule

(effective December 20, 2023)

General Guidelines: All fees are payable in advance and on the spot either in cash, by certified check, or direct bank-to-bank transfer. No personal checks, credit cards, IOUs, foreign currency (other than Euros), or cryptocurrency accepted. No refunds. An additional charge of $15 is also assessed for each request for further explanation of any of the listed charges.

General Annoyance Mitigation Surcharge (GAMS) - a one-time charge of $100 to partially compensate me for the waste of my valuable time. Note: this fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Stupidity Exposure Mitigation Surcharge (SEMS) - a one-time charge of $250 per annoying robocall or home visit, intended to help cover the cost of aspirin and blood pressure medication. Note: this fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Concentration Interruption Fee (CIF) - a flat fee of $25 for each unsolicited telephone call or visit by a door-to-door solicitor which interrupts what I am doing. This is related to the "billable hour" fee structure used by lawyers, according to which an interruption may only actually involve a minute or two of work, but is charged the full hourly rate because it interrupts the flow of the lawyer's attention and allegedly requires the rest of the full hour for him or her to get back on track. This fee is applied in addition to other applicable fees and surcharges.

Bullshit Filtration Surcharge (BFS) - a flat fee of $75 for every political advertisement which airs during a television show or online presentation for which I am paying (through cable or other access fees). Considering the obscene amount of money spent by political campaigns, they can afford it.

Note 1: this surcharge is applied to each individual advertisement ... that is, if two political ads air back-to-back, each is subject to the BFS.  

Note 2: the BFS is applied in addition to the SEMS, GAMS, and CIF (see above), and is doubled for advertisements inserted in the middle of a video I was watching.

Note 3: the BFS also applies to advertisements for Medicare supplement insurance plans which proliferate each year in November and December. The BFS is doubled for ads repeated back-to-back. 

Wasted Appointment Time Recovery Assessment (WATRA) - a fee charged for time spent waiting to be seen after the scheduled starting time of an appointment. Calculated as 20% of the appointment fee for each 5 minutes past the scheduled appointment time.

Religious Proselytization Fee (RPF) - a flat fee of $75 to compensate for the annoyance of having to get rid of door-to-door religious missionaries. The CIF also applies, as do the following additional charges, as appropriate:

Eternal Damnation Invocation Surcharge (EDIS) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer tells me that I will burn in hell if I don't allow myself to be "saved." 

Religious Contribution Solicitation Tax (RCST) - an additional charge of $500 applies if the proselytizer solicits cash donations. The charge is increased to $1000 if the proselytizer represents a megachurch whose leader lives in a mansion and has his/her own television station and private jet. The BFS also applies.

Alternative Worship System Denial Fee (AWSDF) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer insists on the sole dominance of his/her own faith and demeans or denies the worthiness of any other faith. 

Political Party Representative Annoyance Compensation Fee (PPRACF) - a flat fee of $100 charged to any representative of a candidate for office, in addition to the CIF, SEMS, and GAMS. If the candidate himself or herself appears, the fee can be reduced to $50 at my discretion as an incentive for being willing to meet one-on-one with the common folk. The BFS may also be added if the individual invokes debunked conspiracy theories, proven falsehoods, election denial, or Der Furor by name. The following subsidiary charges may also apply:

Election Denial Tax (EDT) - a fee of $500 for refusal to accept the validity of the 2020 presidential election, or of any election the candidate refuses to concede losing. This fee is doubled if the candidate claims in advance that an upcoming election is rigged if he or she loses.

Conspiracy Theory Embrace Fee (CTEF) - a charge of $500 for each invocation of Q-Anon or any conspiracy theory as a substitute for fact-based argument. 

Der Furor Annoyance Abatement Fee (DFAAF) - a charge of $250 for each mention of Der Furor's name, regardless of context. 

Opponent Castigation Surcharge (OCS) - a charge of $150 for the first instance of blaming the candidate's opponent for something without evidence, or without offering a detailed plan to address the issue. The fee increases to $200 for each subsequent instance.

Political Contribution Solicitation Tax (PCST) - similar to the RCST applied above under the Religious Proselytization Fee. A charge of $1,000 is applied for the gall of requesting campaign contributions from ordinary citizens who are having their own troubles making ends meet, usually as a result of the action (or inaction) of the politician in question. 

Inappropriate Millinery Choice Assessment (IMCA) - a charge of $500 for showing up at my door wearing a stupid red MAGA hat.

Self-Checkout Effort Recovery Fee (SCERF) - 25% of my total bill charged to any store each time I am required to use the self-checkout. If I'm doing the store's work for them, why shouldn't I get paid for it?

This is a partial list, subject to change and update without notice. All charges are cumulative. Get off my lawn.

Have a good, uninterrupted day and enjoy what remains of the holiday season. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Giving Santa a Hand

As Christmas draws near, Santa has his bemittened hands full with supervising toy production, calculating weight and balance issues for his sleigh, and keeping up with his Naughty and Nice Lists. Modern, computer-assisted data crunching has made the list-keeping job much easier ...

although data input remains a never-ending chore ...

With that in mind, and since I'm an old retired guy with time on his hands, I thought I'd give Santa a hand with keeping up the more complex and fast-growing Naughty List. Because a list organized by individuals quickly outpaces the capabilities even of Santa's data processing center, I thought I'd begin organizing it first into groups, and then into specific individuals:

Bilbo's Recommended Naughty List for 2023, v. 1.0

Part 1: Groups

Every GOP Member of Congress

MAGAts

Hamas

Religious Bigots (any religion)

Bigots in General

Second Amendment Zealots

Moms for Liberty

Texas

Florida

Wealthy Megachurch Pastors (Joel Osteen, Kenneth Copeland, etc)

Ultraconservative "News" Outlets (Fox "News," OANN, etc) and Their On-Air Personalities

People Who Take Up Two or More Parking Spaces

People Who Block Store Aisles or Parking Spaces with Shopping Carts 

Part 2: Individuals

Der Furor

Elon Musk

Rudy Giuliani

Hunter Biden

Empty G

Senator Robert Menendez (D, NJ)

Senator Ron Johnson (R, WI)

Texas Governor Greg Abbott

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton

Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

Kari Lake

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

Judge Aileen Cannon

Vivek Ramaswamy

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Hungarian President Victor Orban

You will note that this is version 1.0 of the list, so it's subject to growth ... your recommendations are welcome and will be forwarded to Santa in regular updates. You may also note that many of the individuals and groups on this list are also contenders for the Ass Clown of the Year Award, so don't forget to cast your votes for them by December 31st.

Have a good day, and Happy Holidays. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Voting Is Now Open for the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year!

I'm sorry if you came here looking for Poetry Sunday, but you'll have to wait - because today marks the start of voting for

The Ass Clown of the Year for 2023

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, today is the start of the two-week period in which you can cast your votes for the individual, group, or (for the first time this year) concept that best exemplifies the year's supreme achievement in ass clownery, and replaces the 2022 winner, Texas Governor Greg Abbott.

By Friday, December 29th (the announcement of the final awardee for the year, the On-Crack Ass Clown for December), I will have named 29 awardees in 2023, all of whom are eligible for the annual award. Of course, if there's someone I missed or someone you like better, you are free to vote for the write-in candidate of your choice. Here are the ground rules for Ass Clown of the Year voting, unchanged from previous years except as noted:

- Chicago Rules apply: you may vote as many times as you want, for as many candidates as you want. You may cast votes on behalf of yourself, your family members, your friends, your family members' friends, your pets, your friends' and family members' pets, or anyone else, living or dead. In the interest of fairness, I ask only that you not cast more than 50 votes at any one time for any one candidate (same as last year) ... just vote more often if you want to stuff the digital ballot box. 

- You may vote for any of this year's 29 award winners (the first 28 are listed below, and the last will be announced on December 29th), or for anyone else you wish. 

- You need not be legally authorized to vote in the United States. Voting laws don't apply to Republicans, why should they apply to you?

- No ID is required and there are no age restrictions. If you are concerned that the Russians (or Elon Musk, or the Chinese, or the Venezuelans, or the Italians (via satellite), or the Martians or one or the other political party, or the "Deep State") will manipulate the results to undermine the integrity of the award without such identification, consider that the fanatical supporters of Der Furor are already convinced that elections they don't win are rigged and will assume that any IDs presented will be phony, anyhow. And in any case, integrity is a quaintly outdated concept in today's political world in which "facts" require no proof or connection to reality. I worry more about my fellow citizens than I do about any external actors.

- Finally, because the number of potential awardees is so high and their qualifications so unquestionable, you again have the option to vote for ALL OF THE ABOVE, rather than a single winner.

- Votes will be accepted from now until 11:59 PM on Sunday, December 31st. You may vote by leaving a comment on this or any blog post between now and then; by sending an e-mail to der_blogmeister@yahoo.com; by sending me a PM or leaving a comment on Facebook if we are connected there; by text message if you have my phone number; or in person if we should happen to meet and you are properly vaccinated. If you choose to cast your votes in person, be advised that your candidate's chances of winning are enhanced if the votes are accompanied by adult beverages and/or desirable snacks (list available on request), or cash. Yes, it's bribery, but in today's political environment it's okay unless the other side is doing it.

I will provide periodic updates on the balloting as needed, and will announce the 2023 Ass Clown of the Year in this space on Monday, January 1st, 2024.

To help you make your choice, here are links to the first 28 Ass Clown awardees for 2023*, in case you want to go back and review their citations:

January Right-Cheek: The New House GOP Majority and Speaker Kevin McCarthy

January Left-Cheek: Ronna McDaniel, Mike Lindell, and Harmeet Dhillon

February Right-Cheek: Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene (R, GA-14)

February Special Award: Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene (R, GA-14)

February Left-Cheek: Fox "News" Corporation

March Right-Cheek: Rep Kevin McCarthy (R, CA-23)

March Left-Cheek: Reps Jim Jordan (R, OH-4), James Comer (R, KY-1), and Bryan Steil (R, WI-1)

April Right-Cheek: Wisconsin Supreme Court Candidate Daniel Kelly

April Special Award: Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

April Left-Cheek: The American Electorate

May Right-Cheek: America's Second-Amendment Zealots

May Left-Cheek: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

June Right-Cheek: Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton

June Left-Cheek: Newt Gingrich

June On-Crack: Sen Tommy Tuberville (R, AL)

July Right-Cheek: Moms for Liberty

July Left-Cheek: Rep James Comer (R, KY-1)

August Right-Cheek: The Republican Party

August Left-Cheek: Vivek Ramaswamy

September Right-Cheek: Florida

September Left-Cheek: The Republican Party

October Right-Cheek: Michael Gardner

October Special Award: Sen Ted Cruz (R, TX), Sen Tommy Tuberville (R, AL), and the GOP Majority in the House of Representatives

October Left-Cheek: Rep Jim Jordan (R, OH-4)

November Right-Cheek: Thoughts and Prayers

November Left-Cheek: Sen Markwayne Mullin (R, OK) and Rep Tim Burchett (R, TN-2)

December Right-Cheek: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli Minister of National Security

Itamir Ben-Gvir, and the leaders of Hamas: Ismail Haniyeh, Moussa Abu Marzuk, and Khaled Mashal

December Left-Cheek: Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R, LA-4)

It's up to you, now ... vote early, vote often, and make sure your voice is heard and your chosen ass clown is recognized for appropriate ridicule and receipt of the official Tinfoil and Toilet Paper Crown, which has been presented to each ass clown awardee since the 2022 annual winner - 

Although the run on tinfoil hats by the MAGA crowd and the panic-buying of toilet paper ahead of winter storms may lead to temporary shortages of raw materials, I'll make it work. 

Have a good day, vote early, and vote often. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Some of the individual recipients have won the award multiple times by being part of group awards. I have not detailed individual membership in group awards during the year in the interest of space.

Cartoon Saturday

If you haven't made up with Santa yet, you're probably too late. And there's more bad news ...

Tesla recalled almost all of its two million vehicles in the United States to fix an issue with the system that monitors drivers using its autopilot function; in a desperate effort to find something over which to impeach President Biden, the GOP-dominated House voted on Wednesday to launch a formal impeachment inquiry, known in legal terms as a "fishing expedition;" a Washington, DC, jury has ordered Rudy Giuliani to pay nearly $150 million to two Georgia election workers for the harm caused by defamatory statements he made about them following the 2020 election; Israeli forces fighting in Gaza accidentally shot and killed three Israeli hostages held by Hamas; and in Carbondale, Pennsylvania, the world's most overdue library book was returned this week, 120 years after being checked out in 1904 ... commenting on the return, a library spokesperson said, "If we use the cost of the book when [the borrower] checked it out, it would have come out about $870 for a late fee. If we use today's fine, which is 25 cents a day, it comes out to over $10,000, so he is very lucky that we cap book fines at $10 now." 

Today, the second installment of our holiday-themed cartoons ...

Santa wasn't invited to COP 26, but he's rethinking some of his gift practices anyhow ...  

Who's a good boy?

Santa takes his personal security very seriously ...

You can ... uh ... spot them all over town ...

It sometimes happens to MAGAts, but they get over it quickly ...

Too much milk, too many cookies ...

Santa's side gig ...

Why I don't play poker ... 

Uh, oh ...

Now those are some fearsome ghosts ...

That's it for today. Have a good day and a great weekend, and try to stay on the nice list*.

More thoughts tomorrow, when we kick off the voting for 2023's Ass Clown of the Year. See you then!

Bilbo

* Not applicable to any GOP members of Congress or Florida state policy makers.