Bilbo Meets Feuerzangenbowle

A while back, I posted a link on my Facebook page to an interesting article from Atlas Obscura about the German tradition of the Feuerzangenbowle - the poisonously festive flaming punch popular during the holidays. 

As is the case with so many things, I have my own story about the Feuerzangenbowle to tell, so pull up a chair, sip your beverage of choice, and listen to the tale ...

Many years ago when I lived in Germany I worked for an organization which had professional working arrangements with a number of German government offices around the country. Each year when the holiday season arrived and the annual round of Christmas parties began, those of us in the main office were dispatched to be the official representatives of our director at the German parties.

On the year in question, my first in Germany, I was selected to accompany my boss to one of the holiday parties, and so on the appointed day I dressed in my best suit and took the train to the city of Düsseldorf. Our local representative met us at the station and escorted us to the office in the heart of the city, where the party was already in full swing. I dutifully made my rounds, shook all the right hands, accepted the comments about how good my spoken German was (not as good as it would be in later years, but still conversationally adequate), nibbled at the magnificent food spread, and sipped the offered punch. It took a while to notice in the crowd, but my boss had disappeared.

After an hour or two, a decision seemed to have been made that I was okay to be admitted to the real party, which was going on in another part of the building. My boss, being a known quantity to the local German staff, had already been there for some time.

Well ...

The centerpiece of this party was a gaily flaming concoction I'd never seen before - a Feuerzangenbowle - a pot of hot mulled wine over which a cone of pressed sugar (a Zuckerhut, or "sugar hat") soaked with very high-proof rum rests on a small grid known as a Zange (literally, "tongs"). The lights are turned down, and the sugar cone is lit and burns with a brilliant blue flame as bits of melted sugar and unburned rum drip into the hot wine below. It's hypnotically beautiful, very delicious ... and, as I soon learned, very, very potent. 

I don't remember much about the party after that. I know there was dancing involved, pictures of children were proudly shown, and there may or may not have been some more-or-less innocent activity under the mistletoe. When the party (or, at least, our part of it) wound down, the director of the German office sent one of his minions back to the station with us to make sure we got on the right train. That was a wise decision.

Miraculously enough, I woke up as the train was pulling in to our stop and managed to wake up my boss, and somehow the two of us managed to get off the train and into cabs that eventually got us home. To this day I don't remember very much of what happened at that party, except that it was really fun ... and that I was, by gawd, going to get me one of those Feuerzangenbowle contraptions ...

... which we still have, and which is - on rare and suitably festive occasions - brought out, fired up, and admired by all who remain conscious.

Have a good day. If someone asks you to try a Feuerzangenbowle, go ahead ... just make sure someone is available to take you home and remind you that you do, indeed, live there.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2021

As we crawl, panting and gasping, toward the end of 2021, it's time to present the final Ass Clown Award for the year. Normally, this post would have been put up on Friday, December 31st, but I thought that it might be more fair to post it early and give those of you casting votes for the Ass Clown of the Year more time to consider today's recipient along with all the other possible annual winners. Therefore, Dear Readers, three days early and for the second time this year*, we present a third award in a single month:

The On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2021

and the award goes to 

Republican Scofflaws

If you, like me and so many others, watched in horror as the howling mob spun up by Der Furor stormed the US Capitol back on January 6th, injuring hundreds of police officers, causing millions of dollars in damage to the seat of our government, and resulting in five deaths, you have been waiting for an accounting of responsibility and for appropriate punishment of those responsible.

You'll be waiting a long time.

Almost a year after the horror of that day, more than 700 people have been charged with various crimes and about 50 of those have been convicted and sentenced. Every one of those arrested, charged, convicted, and sentenced was a member of the raging mob, a puppet dancing on the strings pulled by those who believe themselves above the law. None of them was one of the members of Congress or of Der Furor's inner circle who spun up and encouraged the deadly lawlessness with baseless lies about stolen elections. 

Because congressional Republicans refused to support an independent bipartisan commission to investigate the deadly riot, the House chartered the "Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the US Capitol," on which only two House Republicans agreed to serve ... an act which has led to their castigation and defamation by their fellow Republicans who are desperate to keep the truth concealed. 

I have presented this award to the Republican Scofflaws who have ignored subpoenas, refused requests to testify or submit records and documents, denied the authority and validity of the investigation, or otherwise worked to impair the inquiry into the events of January 6th. Of particular note are:

- Der Furor, whose incitement of the mob was visible, live, on television, in real time, and who continues relentlessly and angrily to conceal the depth of his moral and legal responsibility. Anyone familiar with his sordid life and business dealings knows that Der Furor has never believed in the rule of law, other than as a cudgel with which to pound down those who oppose him. He has never accepted - and will never accept - that laws which govern the behavior of the common people apply to him.

- House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who turned over thousands of documents before deciding to stand on the flexible concept of "executive privilege" to avoid having to answer questions about them.

- Ohio Representative Jim Jordan, who has (as of this writing) not even condescended to respond to the Committee's request for "voluntary cooperation." 

I was always taught in my elementary school civics lessons that what distinguished the United States from most of the rest of the world was that we are a nation of laws, not men. The cowardly and sycophantic weasels who would hide their despicable behavior behind the laws and the Constitution they claim to defend deserve our full contempt, and merit this presentation of the final Ass Clown Award for 2021.

Have a good day. Be sure to cast your votes for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year, who will be revealed on Saturday, January 1st, 2022. As of 11:00 yesterday morning, fifteen individuals or groups have received votes, and the top five vote-getters in the competition are:

- Tucker Carlson with 2500 votes;

- Senator Joe Manchin with 1535 votes;

- Representative Kevin McCarthy with 1000 votes;

- Senator Ted Cruz with 750 votes; and, 

- Representative Jim Jordan with 550 votes. 

Keep voting! Let your voice be heard!

More thoughts coming.
 

Bilbo

* The last 2021 On-Crack award was presented back in July, to Alabama Senator Tommy Tubberville.

Poetry Sunday

The gifts have been unwrapped, the egg nog has been drunk, the ham/turkey/goose has been eaten, and Christmas is over for another year. Today we celebrate the Second Day of Christmas, or Boxing Day, or whatever ... the final gasp of the beloved holiday for another year.

This year, as in all years, I sent out cards to some of our friends and letters to others, because it's a tradition and because who doesn't like to get something in the mail that comes from the heart and not from the creditor? Those of you who received my annual Christmas letter know my style: long and chatty, filled with the sort of things I think each of you would care about hearing. I love to write letters, but because they tend to be long and carefully crafted, many of you only get them at this one time of the year ... particularly if you don't usually write back (wink, hint, nudge).

Those letters were my holiday finger to Mr DeJoy and the mess he has made of our beloved Postal Service. Perhaps the new year will bring us a new postmaster more in the mold of Benjamin Franklin than of Wreck-It Ralph.

Here is the last poem for the year, appropriate to my thoughts at this time ...

Christmas Mail

By Ted Kooser

Cards in each mailbox,

angel, manger, star and lamb,

as the rural carrier,

driving the snowy roads,

hears from her bundles

the plaintive bleating of sheep,

the shuffle of sandals,

the clopping of camels.

At stop after stop,

she opens the little tin door

and places deep in the shadows

the shepherds and wise men,

the donkeys lank and weary,

the cow who chews and muses.

And from her Styrofoam cup,

white as a star and perched

on the dashboard, leading her

ever into the distance,

there is a hint of hazelnut,

and then a touch of myrrh.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your Christmas weekend, whether you celebrate Christmas or some other seasonal holiday. Stay safe, stay healthy, think about others, and enjoy the company of family and friends at this reflective time of the year.

More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

Christmas, 2021

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Day, the day on which Christians* around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, whose lessons and example many of them find admirable in theory but bothersome to follow in practice, useful only as a cudgel with which to beat those who worship differently. Beyond the Christian world, it is a season for general good cheer, the exchange of gifts, and a month of uplifting and sentimental television shows which temporarily offset the sex, violence, and cynicism of the rest of the year.

We’ve long bemoaned the commercialization of Christmas, in which the purchase and exchange of gifts has replaced thoughtful contemplation and love of family and friends. But for years now, Christmas has been politicized just like everything else. Conservative shouting heads anxious to stoke the culture wars for political gain moan bitterly about an imagined “war on Christmas,” and both Christians and non-Christians complain about discrimination because they don’t want to have to be exposed to religious holiday ideas and traditions which are not their own. Angry idiots object to hearing a generic “Happy Holidays” or "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hanukkah," "Happy Solstice," "Happy Kwanzaa," "Happy Festivus," or other seasonal holiday greeting. Nuisance lawsuits force towns and cities to remove nativity displays from public places. Scrooge lives on.

The traditional Christmas story that most of us recognize is told in the Bible in the second chapter of the gospel of Matthew:

2:8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
2:9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
2:10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
2:11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.
2:12 And this shall be a sign unto you; You shall find the Babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
2:14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Whatever happened to the part about “peace on earth and goodwill toward men**?” It seems to have been replaced by “peace on earth, goodwill only to those who agree with me, and the rest of you can go to Hell.” It’s been replaced by rigid intolerance and stiff-necked self-righteousness that belie both the spirit of the season and the values and teachings of the person whose birth is being celebrated.

Nevertheless, for those willing to put aside their political and cultural tunnel vision and petty carping and hatreds, the Christmas season offers a time for joy and renewal, regardless of the religious tradition they profess to follow. It’s a season in which persons of goodwill can come together and treat each other like real human beings rather than like despised “others” … if, of course, they’re willing to bend enough to do so.

And it is, above all, a season for children, who have not yet been spoiled by the cynicism and hatred they’ll learn all too soon. The look on a child’s face on Christmas morning is a wonderful thing, and it reminds us that there is still joy to be found in life, if only we can get past the greed, selfishness, and political chicanery.

And so, Dear Readers, Agnes and I wish all of you a very joyous holiday of your choice and a safe, happy, and healthy new year. It's just got to be better than the last two ...

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Real Christians, not the noisy, ignorant, arrogant, heavily-armed, and intolerant sort so prevalent here in modern America.

** Okay, “persons.” Don’t get your holiday knickers in a twist.

Christmas Eve, 2021

Today is Friday, December 24th, the day of Christmas Eve, when millions of people across the nation and the world frantically await the arrival of the auxiliary Santas from FedEx and UPS with gifts bought online that were "guaranteed" to arrive by Christmas. Tonight, children will set out milk and cookies for Santa and desperately try to stay up late in hopes of seeing him, parents will use salty language as they try to deal with the toy for which "some assembly (is) required*," and stores will sell out of the batteries they didn't realize they needed for that toy they had to assemble.

Here's a timely quote from Dave Barry:

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space**"

Ah, the holidays!

No peace on earth, though.

Today's commentary is fairly short ... I'll have more to say tomorrow in my traditional Christmas Day post. I'll just warn you to be careful if you plan to go out today - not just because the stores will all be madhouses, parking lots will look like the beaches of 1944 Normandy, and drivers will be more distracted than usual, but because all too many of your fellow Christmas shoppers will arrogantly and petulantly refuse  to wear the masks or receive the vaccinations that will keep families next Christmas from having fewer people around the tree.

And I want to see you all safe and happy tomorrow.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* "Some assembly required" is the shortened version of the statement, "Assistance by credentialed mechanical or electrical engineers is required."

** This was one of my mother's favorite cartoons.

GOP Bingo

If you are one of my friends on Facebook, you already saw an earlier version of this last week ... this one has a few tweaks based on comments received from initial reviewers.

Are you running out of things to keep you occupied while stuck at home during this holiday season? Why not play my new board game - GOP Bingo! Play it just like traditional bingo: pull out the cards whenever someone puts on Fox News or OANN or Newsmax, or you see a GOP official being interviewed on a news program or giving a speech on C-SPAN, or you score one of the many empty seats at one of Der Furor's rallies. Just use whatever is at hand (bullets are preferred by true Republicans) to cover the appropriate grid square each time you hear one of the gaslighting words or phrases ... cover five in a row (across or down), or five on a diagonal (including the free space), and you win! Print it out and play today! It's fun for all ages, but especially for those whose political age is five or under!

Any other ideas for additional blocks? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Voting Is Now Open for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, today is the official start of the selection campaign for this year's successor to Senator Mitch McConnell, who has won this award three years in a row ... yes, it's time to start voting for

The 2021 Ass Clown of the Year

By Friday, December 31st (the announcement of the final award for the year, the On-Crack Ass Clown for December), I will have named 32 regular or special awardees in 2021, all of whom are eligible for the annual award. Of course, if there's someone I missed or someone you like better, you are free to vote for the write-in candidate of your choice. Here are the basic ground rules for the Ass Clown of the Year voting, unchanged from previous years except as noted:

- Chicago Rules apply: you may vote as many times as you want, for as many candidates as you want. You may cast votes on behalf of yourself, your family members, your friends, your family members' friends, your pets, your friends' and family members' pets, or anyone else, living or dead. In the interest of fairness, I ask only that you not cast more than 50 votes (up from 10 last year) at any one time for any one candidate ... just vote more often. 

- You may vote for any of the 32 biweekly and special award winners (the first 31 are listed below, and the last will be announced on December 31st), or for anyone else you wish. 

- You need not be legally authorized to vote in the United States. Laws don't apply to Republicans, why should they apply to you?

- No ID is required and there are no age restrictions. If you are concerned that the Russians (or the Chinese, or the Venezuelans, or the Italians (by satellite), or the Martians or one or the other political party, or the "Deep State") will manipulate the results to undermine the integrity of the award without such identification, consider that the fanatical supporters of Der Furor are already convinced that elections they don't win are rigged and will assume that any IDs presented will be phony, anyhow. And in any case, integrity is a quaintly outdated concept in today's political world in which "facts" require no proof or connection to reality. I worry more about my fellow citizens than I do about any external actors.

- Finally, for the second year in a row, because the number and quality* of potential awardees is so staggeringly high, you have the option to vote for ALL OF THE ABOVE, rather than a single winner.

- Votes will be accepted from now until 11:59 PM on Friday, December 31st. You may vote by leaving a comment on this or any future blog post between now and then; by sending an e-mail to der_blogmeister@yahoo.com; by sending me a PM or leaving a comment on Facebook if we are connected there; by text message if you have my phone number; or verbally from a distance of at least six feet if we should happen to meet and you are unmasked and unvaccinated**. If you choose to cast your votes in person, be advised that your candidate's chances of winning are enhanced if the votes are accompanied by adult beverages, healthy snacks, or cash. Yes, it's bribery, but in today's political environment it's okay unless the other side is doing it.

I will provide periodic updates on the balloting, and will announce the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year in this space on Saturday, January 1st, 2022.

To help you make your choice, here are links to the first 31 Ass Clown awardees for 2021, in case you want to go back and review the citations:

Senators Ted Cruz (R, TX), Josh Hawley (R, MO), and the GOP Sedition Caucus (Special Award)

The Soon-to-Be Former President (January Right-Cheek)

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R, GA-14) (January Left-Cheek)

Bruce Castor (February Right-Cheek)

Senator Ron Johnson (R, WI) (February Left-Cheek)

Tucker Carlson (March Right-Cheek)

Sidney Powell (March Left-Cheek)

Representative Matt Gaetz (R, FL-1) (April Right-Cheek)

Sean Hannity (April Left-Cheek)

The Republican Party (May Right-Cheek)

Representative Andrew Clyde (R, GA-9) (May Left-Cheek)

Senators Joe Manchin (D, WV) and Kyrsten Sinema (D, AZ) (June Right-Cheek)

Representative Lauren Boebert (R, CO-3) (June Left-Cheek)

Dr Sherri Tenpenny (Special Award)

Senator Mitch McConnell and Former Attorney General William Barr (July Right-Cheek)

Representative Paul Gosar (R, AZ-4) (Special Award)

Hobby Lobby (Special Award)

Kimberly Guilfoyle (July Left-Cheek)

Monsignor Jeffrey Burrill (Special Award)

Senator Tommy Tuberville (R, GA) (July On-Crack)

Greg Locke (Special Award)

Senator Rand Paul (R, KY) (August Right-Cheek)

The Anti-Vaxxers (August Left-Cheek)

Texas Governor Gregg Abbott and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (September Right-Cheek)

John Eastman (September Left-Cheek)

The Republican Party (October Right-Cheek)

Senator Joe Manchin (D, WV) (October Left-Cheek)

The Democratic Party (November Right-Cheek)

The Republican Party (November Left-Cheek)

Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene (R, GA-14) and Lauren Boebert (R, CO-3) (December Right-Cheek)

Senator Rand Paul (R, KY) (December Left-Cheek)

TBA on December 31st (December On-Crack)

It's up to you, now ... vote early, vote often, and make sure your voice is heard and your chosen ass clown is recognized.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

*I hate to use that word, but I'm not sure which other one applies. I'm open to suggestions.

** And still alive.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Yesterday's Washington Post had a very interesting article on Page 2 that caught my linguistic attention: New Orders Push to Rename Sites.

The article detailed ongoing efforts to change the names of locations and geographical features around the country which have names that are offensive to various groups. These include sites like Negro Mesa, Redskin Mountain, and Chinaman's Gulch (all in Colorado), Dead Indian Mountain (Oregon), Mulatto Run (Pennsylvania), and many hundreds of others scattered around the country.

Some believe that the push to change these names is unwarranted and represents a sort of "woke" caving to the demands of overly-sensitive minorities, but I (speaking as a lover of words and their meanings, not to mention honor and dignity) believe it's long overdue and will make the renamed places sound more natural and American.

But I also believe that we should not limit ourselves to the renaming of towns and geographical features to eliminate insensitive or racist language. We should also appropriately rename locations that are themselves offensive. The nation is dotted with tens of thousands of hazardous waste dumps, landfills, mountains of mine tailings, junkyards, sewage treatment plants, shops selling paraphernalia honoring Der Furor, and similar locations that are eyesores, dangerous to public health, or both. These, too, deserve to have appropriate names. 

Of course, I have several recommendations ...

French Lake Auto Parts, 60 miles west of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is the largest auto scrap yard in the United States, covering over 100 acres with junked cars. Because the name could be considered offensive to those of Gallic heritage, I propose it be renamed the Jim Jordan Scrapyard, after the snarlingly aggressive and unpleasant Ohio representative who is the human embodiment of the junkyard dog.

Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs) across the country produce millions of tons of concentrated animal waste which is stored in vast "lagoons." The presence of so much ... uh ... manure in a single place calls out to properly name the locations. For instance, I would name the largest manure lagoons in Texas in honor of Governor Greg Abbott, Senator Ted Cruz, Representative Louie Gohmert, and former governor and US Energy Secretary Rick Perry. There are also a large number of federal Superfund sites in Texas available for renaming, and no shortage of other "worthy" Texans.

North Carolina also has numerous CAFOs, as well as 39 federal Superfund sites ... any one (or more) of which could easily bear the name of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, herself the state's most noxious export.

The 52 federal Superfund sites and 12 alternates in Florida offer many opportunities to avoid embarrassing the responsible businesses* by renaming them for such poisonous Florida personalities as Representative Matt Gaetz, Senator Marco Rubio, and Governor Ron DeSantis. 

New York has, among many other noxious places, the horrendously polluted Love Canal site, which clearly needs a more appropriate name. It seems that disgraced former governor Andrew Cuomo and his brother, disgraced former CNN personality Chris, would both be prime candidates to donate their names to this and other sites in New York City and across the state. The renaming could lead to possible legal entanglements with Florida, however, over which state has the stronger claim on the use of Der Furor's name**.

Kentucky's 13 federal Superfund sites could be similarly renamed to honor such pestilential state figures as Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul.

Turning to West Virginia, there are eight Superfund sites crying out to be renamed in honor of Senator Joe Manchin, who lately has managed to shoot himself in his moral and reputational foot and make his name and legacy burningly toxic.

Pennsylvania is noted for the deadly Centralia coal mine fire, which has been burning since at least 1962 and has caused most of the town of Centralia to be abandoned. To avoid embarrassing the five remaining residents of the town, why not rename the fire after Representative Scott Perry, who apparently tried hard to burn down American democracy in the lead-up to the January 6th insurrection.  

And finally, because volcanoes spew huge amounts of superheated air and noxious gases, how appropriate would it be to name America's 169 active volcanoes for Faux News personalities like Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Jeanine Piro, InfoWars screaming head Alex Jones, or other conservative media personalities? These individuals, of course, are also prime candidates to lend their names to toxic sites in their states of birth, which may or may not actually have volcanoes (New York for Hannity and Piro, California for Carlson, and - where else? - Texas for Jones).

Any thoughts out there on matching appropriate names to other specific locations? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow, when we kick off the selection campaign for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Because how un-American and job-killing is it to point out the misdeeds of a private business, eh?

** Given his flexible attitude toward the legal and tax advantages and drawbacks of the different states.

Cleaning House

Last week when I was writing the post with my plan to fix the mess of redrawing congressional districts, I read this interesting and related article by Lee Drutman and Yuval Letvin in the Washington Post: One Way to Reform the House of Representatives? Expand It.

The authors begin their piece with the observation that "Americans observing the members of the House of Representatives in action generally don’t end up wishing there were more of them." Boy, ain't that the truth? But they then go on to cogently explain why that might be a good idea and lead to a more functioning and representative body.

The first House, representing a much smaller nation, had just 65 members, each of whom represented about 30,000 people. But the country continued to grow as more states were admitted to the union and the population increased to its present size of 331.4 million, while the House of Representatives has remained capped at 435 members - a ratio of one representative to approximately 762,000 citizens. The cap of 435 was set by the Permanent Apportionment Act of 1929 at a time when the ratio was one to approximately 280,000.

What this means, of course, is that the personal connection between each of us and our elected Representative is all but nonexistent. When my voice is one of some 762,000 clamoring for the attention of a single Representative, the chances of my opinion being heard and acted upon are pretty small, especially if my access has not been enhanced by large campaign contributions or other political influence. Although I write lots of letters to my Senators and my Representative (19 so far this year), I have little confidence that they are actually read by the recipients ... more likely, they are aggregated with others into a daily/weekly/monthly summary of "what the little people are bleating about now." I always receive a reply, although it is usually boilerplate and often doesn't actually address the original points I had written about.

Sigh.

So, back to the size of the House. I believe, as do Messrs Drutman and Levin, that it has become too small to allow for adequate representation, particularly as congressional districts are drawn for political advantage and protection of incumbents rather than representational adequacy. It also gives outsized influence to states with small populations.* But what is the right size? What size balances the need for each elected representative to answer to the smallest possible number of citizens with the need to facilitate face-to-face negotiation in the legislature? What degree of flexibility should we build in?

Part 5 of a study published by Drutman and Levin with Norman Ornstein and Jonathan Cohen discusses the ratio of representatives to citizens of various countries. For example, the UK's House of Commons has 650 members, or one per 101,000 citizens; the German Bundestag (lower house) has 709 members, or one per 116,000 Germans. A House of Representatives that would produce the UK representative-to-citizen ratio would have 3,280 members; the German ratio would require a House of Representatives with 2,587 members. Clearly, these are not workable numbers, although they would certainly help address the problem of underrepresentation.

What, then, is the ideal size?

Drutman and Levin recommended adding 150 seats to the House, bringing it to a total of 535, with more seats added with each census to prevent loss of representation and always result in an odd number of total seats to prevent tie votes (a problem not found in the Senate, where the Constitution dictates that the Vice President casts tie-breaking votes). There are two immediately obvious advantages to this proposal:

- It would bring the ratio of Representatives to citizens down to a somewhat more reasonable level. The difference between a ratio of one to 762,000 (today) and one to 619,000 (in a 535-seat House) isn't a lot, but it's a start.

- It would begin to improve the balance of the electoral college. Because each state’s electoral vote total equals the number of its members of Congress, it would begin to address the chronic overrepresentation of less populous states in the electoral college. 

They offer several other options for addressing the problem, all rooted in complex electoral mathematics, but perhaps there's another, easier way to fix the problem of inadequate representation**.

Instead of expanding the size of the House, provide enough funds to each Representative to establish additional local offices in his or her district closer to where their constituents live. For example, my Representative - Don Beyer of Virginia's 8th District - has one local office to serve all of the people he represents. 

Granted, the compact geographical size of this district and the density of its population may argue for a single local office, as opposed to, say, Colorado's third district represented*** by Lauren Boebert, who has three local offices to serve her geographically far larger area ... 

Mr Beyer's office is about a 24-minute drive from my home in optimal traffic conditions^†

- not unreasonable, but it can be a monumental pain in Northern Virginia traffic. In such cases, it might make sense to simply add additional, neighborhood-based local offices to maximize citizen access to their Representatives through more accessible staffs rather than growing the size of the House. 

In any case, the House of Representatives, as unsatisfyingly unrepresentative as it has become, needs reforming, by rationally drawing districts, increasing the number of members to improve the ratio of members to constituents, improving citizens' access to members, or some combination of all three. What do you think? Leave a comment ... or, better yet, write to your elected representatives. They may ignore your letter as other than a data point, but you will have at least made your wishes known.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

* Of course, this was the point of the whole original design: that more populous states would have an advantage in the House of Representatives that would be balanced out by equal representation in the Senate.

** I'm speaking here of the representative-to-citizen ratio, not the competence of the individual representatives (e.g., Marjorie Taylor Greene, Louie Gohmert, or Lauren Boebert)

*** Not very well, in any case. I wonder how she finds time to do any actual representing, busy as she is with nonsensical posturing.

† According to Google Maps, which is usually fairly accurate.

Musical Sunday

There are Christmas songs and there is Christmas music. The duo of David Bowie and Bing Crosby is as seemingly unnatural as that of Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, but it works, and wonderfully ...

As we enter into the final week before Christmas, it might be a good time to think about peace on earth. Or just start simple, with peace between the crazies of the right and everyone else.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Just when you thought it was safe to ... well ... exist ....

The House of Representatives voted almost totally along party lines to refer former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to the Justice Department for criminal prosecution on a charge of contempt of Congress; Keechant Sewell, a 23-year police veteran from Nassau, NY, has been named the first female and the third black commissioner of the 35,000-strong New York City Police Department (NYPD), the nation's largest; the United States crossed another horrific milestone as it passed 800,000 dead from Covid-19; at a school in the Australian state of Tasmania, five children died and four others were in critical condition after falling from a bouncy castle that was lifted 33 feet into the air by a gust of wind; and in Wilmington, Delaware, a man robbed a Wells Fargo bank branch and was arrested by police when he tried to use the bank's outside ATM to deposit the stolen cash into his own account.

This week, we pay tribute to the unsung heroes of crime solving ... the specialists who draw those chalk outlines at the crime scene ...

It took a while for DaVinci to find his niche ...  

I'm too brittle for Twister any more, but I remember how brutal it could get ...

It's always a good idea to rethink first impressions at a crime scene ...

Or perhaps the aftermath of Rand Paul's head exploding when he had to ask for federal disaster aid for Kentucky ...

It's the MacGuffin ...

As my Dad would have said, everybody's gotta start someplace ...

How they practice their craft during periods of reduced violence ...

His CV probably has a pretty good outline ...

I like the little snicker on the possum's face ...

No ... no it doesn't ...

And that's it for this week's Cartoon Saturday which, as it happens, will be the last Cartoon Saturday of 2021. One week from today will be our annual Christmas post, and the Saturday after that will be January 1st - the start of 2022 and the announcement of the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year. And speaking of that, don't forget to check in here this coming Wednesday the 22nd, when we'll officially kick off the Ass Clown of the Year voting with a summary of the rules and a review of the award recipients so far this year. Don't miss it!

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for December, 2021

Ah, yes ... the Christmas tree is up, the fire burns happily in the fireplace, the hot mulled wine is steaming on the stove ... and the temperature here in NoVa is set to reach 61 degrees today. What's wrong with this picture?

Speaking of things that are wrong, it's time to present the next-to-last Ass Clown Award for 2021. Since there are three available Fridays this month, the last award won't be presented until the 31st, but we'll just take it one award at a time, scraping the scum from the top of the bubbling cauldron of ass clownery to announce that today's award for 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for December, 2021

is presented, with the usual flatulent blare of trumpets and for the third time*, to

Senator Rand Paul (R, KY)

A master of the Republican art form of shameless hypocrisy, Senator Paul outdid himself this past week when he sent this pious and heartfelt letter to the President:

Dear President Biden,

 

Last night and early this morning devastating storms swept across multiple states, including Kentucky. A single tornado from that system may have been on the ground for over 200 miles, and a large swath of the Commonwealth has been severely hit. As the sun comes up this morning we will begin to understand the true scope of the devastation, but we already know of loss of life and severe property damage.

 

The Governor of the Commonwealth has requested federal assistance this morning, and certainly further requests will be coming as the situation is assessed. I fully support those requests and ask that you move expeditiously to approve the appropriate resources for our state.

 

Sincerely,

 

Rand Paul, M.D.

United States Senator

This is what one would expect of a senator in response to a disaster striking his or her state. The people expect their elected representatives to plead their case for federal assistance in times of need, and their representatives have a duty to respond with energy and empathy.

Senator Paul, however, is poorly positioned to ask for federal aid for his commonwealth, given that he has consistently opposed similar requests for aid for other states struck by natural disasters.  

In 2013, following the devastation caused by Superstorm Sandy, Senator Paul voted against a disaster relief measure for the affected states, saying "I would have given them 9 billion and I would've taken the 9 billion from somewhere else. I would have taken it from foreign aid and said, 'You know what, we don't have money for Egypt or Pakistan this year because we have to help the Northeast.'"

In 2017, Hurricane Harvey struck Louisiana and Texas, causing tremendous damage. Paul voted against relief funds for the victims, and the Senate voted down an amendment he wanted applied to the aid package that would have funded the Harvey relief efforts with money previously allocated for foreign aid.

If you read Senator Paul's letter to President Biden carefully, you will notice that he does not insist that federal assistance to Kentucky be offset by reductions in other parts of the federal budget. Since it's his state that is affected, his ethical and political standards are flexible enough to ignore the restrictions he happily applies to others.

Senator Paul, of course, accuses his critics of "scoring cheap political points" and distorting his record which, he points out, reflects his opposition to virtually all government spending, regardless of how well-intended or justified. He insists that “I’ve never opposed anybody’s disaster relief in any other state. I’ve just asked that it be paid for.” One wonders who he expects to pay for Kentucky's relief.

Rand Paul is a perfect example of the hollow foolishness of libertarian ideals - it's easy to proudly stand on principles of hands-off government and total independence and self-sufficiency until the crisis hits that you can't face alone. At that point, they'll happily take the help they'd deny to others.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is named the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for December, 2021, along with a score of 700,000 on the Gohmert Stupidity Scale - not high enough, perhaps, but allowing lots of headroom to account for all-but-certain future growth. Poor Kentucky, already cursed by devastating tornadoes and Mitch McConnell, can have him.  

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. You also won't want to miss this space on Wednesday, December 22nd, when voting for the 2021 Ass Clown of the Year begins with a recap of the year-to-date winners and a summary of the rules. Make sure your voice is heard!

Bilbo

* He was previously the Left-Cheek awardee for March, 2020, and the Right-Cheek Awardee for August, 2021.

Updating a Holiday Tradition

As we all know, times and mores are changing. Many of the customs and practices we had years ago - such as gracefully conceding the loss of an election - are no longer in vogue, or even considered acceptable.

In these days of heightened awareness of sexual misconduct, many practices that were accepted (or, at least, tolerated) over the years have had to be reconsidered, if not jettisoned outright. One of these is the tradition of the holiday kiss under the mistletoe, which could range from a friendly and innocent peck on the cheek in front of a cheery fire to a borderline assault at an office party fueled by holiday spirits of the less joyous kind.

I, for one, miss the tradition of the kiss under the mistletoe. But perhaps there's a way to save it, and to bring it into line with our heightened appreciation for the rights and feelings of others. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, here is my proposed way to make sure that the holiday kiss under the mistletoe does not get out of hand ... print it out and go for it!

APPLICATION FOR AND

DECLARATION OF CONSENT TO

FESTIVE OSCULATION

This is a legally binding agreement and must be completed, signed, witnessed, and notarized prior to the execution of any requested osculation. All items must be completed. Use reverse side of form or attach additional sheets if necessary. Osculation may not occur until a minimum of fifteen minutes after signature, witnessing, and notarization of this application, to allow for change of mind.

1. Date and Time of Application: _________________

2. Name and DOB of Applicant (Proposed Deliverer of Kiss(es)): ___________________________

3. Relationship of Applicant to Recipient: None: __; Friend __; Relative __; Supervisor __; Co-Worker __; Admirer __; Other (Specify) _______________________

4. Name and DOB of Proposed Recipient of Kiss(es): _________________________

5. Location of Festive Event (Street Address or GPS Coordinates): ____________________

6. Number of Kiss(es) Requested: _____ Number of Kiss(es) to Which Consented: _____ (must agree with totals calculated in #7 below)

7. Proposed Location/Number of Kiss(es) (Check all that apply; aggregate number must agree with #6 above):

a. Cheek (Left __/Right __/Both __). Agreed To: None __; Left __/Right __/Both __.

b. Lips __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Forehead __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Top of Head __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Hand (Left __/Right __Both__). Agreed To: None __; Left (Yes __/No __); Right (Yes __/No __); Both (Yes__/No__).

f. Other (Specify Each): __________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

8. Requested/Approved Duration of Kiss(es): hh/mm/ss ___________ (if multiple kisses have been requested, duration of each must be requested and approved separately).

9. Positioning/Employment of Hands During Kiss(es) (Requested/Agreed To; check all that apply): 

a. None: __

b. Shoulders: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Upper Arms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Forearms: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

d. Hands (one or both): Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

e. Tush: Requested __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

f. Other (Specify): _____________________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

g. Concurrent Massaging Action Requested: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10. Use of Tongue Requested During Kiss(es): Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

10a. If Use of Tongue Requested, Type of Activity Requested/Approved:

a. Graze: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

b. Tickle: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

c. Explore: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

11. Use of Alcohol Before Kiss Requested/Approved: Yes __/No __. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

12. Additional Requests/Approvals (Specify): 

a. None __.

b. Apply Substance (e.g., whipped cream) to Site of Kiss(es) (Specify Each Substance and Location): 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

Requested Substance ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

c. Remove Clothing (Specify Each Item to be Removed): 

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __.

Requested Item ______________. Agreed To: Yes __/No __. 

d. Other (clearly specify): _________________________________.

READ CAREFULLY AND ENSURE ALL SECTIONS HAVE BEEN COMPLETED AND ARE ACCURATE BEFORE SIGNING THIS DOCUMENT!

We the undersigned request/agree to festive osculation as described in the foregoing document.

Printed Name, Signature, Date, and Time:

_________________________________________________

REQUESTER

_________________________________________________

RECIPIENT

_________________________________________________

WITNESS

_________________________________________________

NOTARIZATION

👉 This agreement becomes effective on (insert date) at (insert time). Time of kiss delivery MUST be NO EARLIER THAN time of notarization plus 15 minutes.

👉 Retain a copy of this document in a safe place for a minimum of seven years or until the expiration of the applicable statute of limitations in your state.

***********************

There you have it, friends! A holiday tradition brought forward into the 21st century! You may now kiss the bride/wife/husband/significant other/friend/co-worker/relative/etc with confidence and safety.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming. 

Bilbo

Rationally Redrawing Voting Districts

Because I prefer to come up with actual ideas rather than just screaming about problems like many others do (yes, GOP, I'm looking at you), I spend a lot of time thinking about how to solve problems. My plans may not be perfect, but at least I'm putting some thought into them, which is more than I can say for the Republican party. For example, I've gone through several iterations of my plan to reform our badly-broken immigration system - you can read the most recent version of the plan here in case you haven't seen it. The latest problem I've been thinking a lot about is how to draw fair, rational, and truly competitive Congressional districts, a process supposedly now underway across the country as districts are redrawn in response to the 2020 Census.

As you know, the Constitution requires a census every ten years* to serve as the basis for apportioning seats in the House of Representatives. As we speak, states are using the 2020 Census data to to redistribute the 435 House seats in response to population changes. Some states gained seats because of population growth (Texas, Colorado, Florida, Montana, North Carolina, and Oregon), others lost seats because of declines in population (California, Illinois, Michigan, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia), and virtually every state saw changes in the internal distribution of its population, even if it didn't gain or lose enough population to change its total number of representatives.

The Constitution allows each state to determine how it draws the boundaries of its Congressional districts, and because there are no federal standards to govern the process, most states allow the dominant political party to draw the boundaries as it sees fit, generally with an eye to maximum political advantage, in a process that has become known as "gerrymandering." Both of the major US political parties engage in this distasteful practice, although the recent GOP focus on winning races at the state level has given it a marked advantage in the process, resulting in electoral maps that allow Republicans to win seats even when they lose the overall popular vote.

Districts which have been "gerrymandered" for political advantage never result in true representation, as they are designed to create politically "safe" seats, not to represent the actual social and economic interests of the residents. One of the most egregious examples of politically-driven gerrymandering is Maryland's District 3 ...

How would I approach the drawing of truly fair and representative districts? I tried to get the chance earlier this year when I applied to be a member of the Virginia Redistricting Commission. I was not selected (obviously the selection process was rigged), but I had already developed the ideas I would have brought to the table had I had the opportunity. Here are the broad guidelines I would have advocated, using figures for Virginia as an example**:

1. Begin with the census-established population of the state (for Virginia in the 2020 Census, this is 8,631,393).

2. Divide this population figure by the number of Congressional districts determined by the Census (for Virginia, this number is 11). This gives us a nominal population per Congressional district of 784,672.

3. Determine the number of major defined political entities (i.e., counties/parishes or equivalent independent cities) within the state (Virginia has 95 counties and 38 independent cities which are considered county-equivalents for census purposes, for a total of 133).

4. Using the Census data, determine the actual population of each of those major political entities.

5. Divide the number of county/county-equivalents by the number of Congressional districts. In the case of Virginia, this yields a result of 12.1. This would mean that an ideal district would include 12 (we're rounding off, here) counties or county-equivalents.

6. Beginning with the smallest county or county-equivalent, begin aggregating those entities along their legal boundaries with adjacent entities until the population of each of the 11 aggregate Congressional districts comes as close as possible to the nominal population of 784,672. 

7. To ensure that each aggregate district contains - to the greatest extent possible - a population with similar economic and racial makeup, require each incorporated portion to border on at least two others in the same or an immediately adjacent group. This would help to eliminate wildly bizarre, snake-shaped districts designed to achieve political party dominance, rather than representation of shared local economic and social interests.

6. When an existing county or county-equivalent must be subdivided to achieve the required numerical balance, require each division to be made along the established boundaries of the next lower division (i.e., township, borough, defined neighborhood, etc). 

7. Continue aggregating districts in this manner until the population of each new district is as close as possible to the figure derived in Step 2.

I understand that this is not a perfect solution. For one thing, it does not account for federal laws (to the extent they remain viable***) that protect minority representation. Nevertheless, by requiring voting districts to be based on existing legal boundaries, it eliminates deliberate distortions designed to limit the representation and electoral power of minorities. 

Some might argue that the aggregation of less-populated rural areas, which tend to vote Republican, with areas of larger population which might be more liberal, would dilute the representation of conservative voters. I don't think this is especially persuasive, because it would make the new districts more competitive and encourage both liberal and conservative voters to turn out and support their desired candidates. And by relying on existing legal boundaries, it avoids the extreme division-between-houses-within-a-neighborhood gerrymandering we see today.

Given today's hyperpartisan, I'm-right-and-you're-a-communist-go-to-hell environment, it will be extremely difficult to come up with a rational Congressional districting scheme that will satisfy all sides. Nevertheless, I believe my system is as close as we're likely to come. What do you think? Leave a comment with your ideas, and we'll pursue this in future posts.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Article 1, Section 2, Clause 3.

** The figures for population and number of counties/county equivalents used can be found on the Census Bureau website at https://www.census.gov/library/stories/state-by-state/virginia-population-change-between-census-decade.html.

*** Thank you, Supreme Court.

Poetry Sunday

Close your eyes, pucker up, and think of the one you want to kiss ...

Mistletoe

By Walter De La Mare

Sitting under the mistletoe

(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),

One last candle burning low,

All the sleepy dancers gone,

Just one candle burning on,

Shadows lurking everywhere:

Some one came, and kissed me there.

Tired I was; my head would go

Nodding under the mistletoe

(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),

No footsteps came, no voice, but only,

Just as I sat there, sleepy, lonely,

Stooped in the still and shadowy air

Lips unseen—and kissed me there.

Mistletoe has gone pretty much out of fashion in our current environment of concern about unwanted sexual advances, which is too bad ... filling out and signing the consent form and having it notarized first takes a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of the tradition.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

If there's any ammunition left after all the random shootings around the country, would someone please put this year out of its misery? ...

After telling his story in the traditional tell-all political book, former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows has refused further cooperation with the House committee investigating the January 6th insurrection and Capitol riots and sued both the Committee and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ... because, why not?; a man has been charged with, among other things, criminal nuisance* after setting fire to the Fox News Christmas Tree in New York City; at least fifty-three people were killed when a tractor-trailer loaded with migrants from Central America crashed in southern Mexico; former Senator and Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole died at the age of 98; and a new survey shows that 60% of Americans are more likely to pee outside than use a dirty public restroom.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for long know that I have an extraordinarily low opinion of lawyers, and the legal circus being orchestrated around the January 6th coup attempt has done nothing to change my opinion. The degradation of the legal profession isn't really a laughing matter, but since crying about it doesn't help, we may as well laugh ...

I suspect that any number of judges might have wanted to object this way over the last year or so ...

A good lawyer can do that for you ...

I believe this is the legal strategy being employed by Steve Bannon, Mark Meadows, and others ...

I often wonder if some juries really would like to deliver a verdict like this ...

Why so many of Der Furor's cronies want to respond only to written questions ...

This is the law in 2021, isn't it? ...

Ah, yes ... the GOP "endless delay until the clock is run out" strategy ...

Sad, but true ...

It works if you have enough money to keep feeding it ...

And Barrett, too ...

Cartoon Saturday rests for this week.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when Poetry Sunday puckers up under the holiday mistletoe. See you then.

Bilbo

* Because who is better than Fox News about recognizing criminal nuisance?