Updated MAGA Government Employment Aptitude Assessment and Placement Exam

 

In February of last year I published a document I received from a mole in the bowels of the administration - a copy of the application form for positions in Der Furor's regime. Since then, my source has provided an updated version, which I provide below for your information. 

MAGA Governmental Position Aptitude Assessment and Placement Exam, v2026.1

Thank you for your interest in serving in My Furor's Awesome Government for America (MAGA). This MAGA Governmental Position Aptitude Assessment and Placement Exam will help us evaluate your suitability for employment in the new and politically cleansed United States Government as of the date of your application. Please fill in the personal data requested in Part 1, then complete the exam in Part 2 by marking the appropriate answers.

PART 1

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Your Name: _______________________

Your Race:

a. ___ Caucasian

b. ___ Other (Stop here. No positions are available.)

Your Sex (there are only two choices):

a. ___ Male

b. ___ Female (attach photograph)

 

Your Religion:

a. ___ Christian (Trump Bible-observing denominations only)

b. ___ Other (Stop here. No positions are available.)

Your Estimated Net Worth (in billions of dollars, rounded to the nearest billion):

a. ___ 50

b. ___ 25

c. ___ 10

d. ___ 5

e. ___ Less than 5 (Stop here. No positions are available.)

Your Ethnic Background

a. ___ European

b. ___ Shithole Country (Stop here. No positions are available.)

If you claimed European ancestry in the previous question, which part of Europe does your family come from:

a. Northern Europe (Norway, Sweden) ___

b. Eastern/Western/Southern Europe ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

PART 2

GENERAL SUITABILITY EXAMINATION

1. Who won the 2020 Presidential election?

a. ___ Donald Trump

b. ___ Not Donald Trump (Stop here. No positions are available.) 

2. The Constitution consists of the Second Amendment and a variety of optional suggestions, subject to presidential interpretation, about government structure and function.

YES ___ 

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

3. The Founders clearly stated that the United States is a Christian nation, and that all other religions are crazy and cause terrorism.

YES ___  

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

4. "Climate Change" has no scientific basis, and people who believe in it are radical left lunatics who hate America and are probably terrorists.

YES ___ 

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

5. Do you support the development and use of alternative (that is, other than oil, coal, or natural gas) sources of energy?

YES ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

NO ___

6. The United States is the most exceptional nation ever founded, is a shining example for the rest of the world, and is incapable of doing anything wrong; anyone who says otherwise is a sick, godless, radical left terrorist lunatic who hates America.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

7. The federal government must eliminate wasteful spending on woke and fraudulent things like welfare, education, food safety, public health, environmental protection, and foreign aid.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

8. The most effective solution to all political, economic, and social problems is the elimination of taxes on businesses and the wealthy, and the application of large tariffs on imports.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

9. Taxes on businesses, corporations, and the wealthy are counterproductive because they limit the economic success which eventually benefits the lower-income population.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

10. Democrats can only win elections through flagrant cheating and fraudulent voting.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

10. Do you have any educational background or practical experience applicable to the position for which you are applying?

YES ___ (Stop here. Education and relevant experience disqualify you for consideration for any position)

NO ___

11. Just to be clear, who won the 2020 presidential election?

a. ___ Donald Trump

b. ___ Not Donald Trump (Why didn't you stop after question 1? Get lost.) 

12. Has Donald Trump ever made a mistake or been wrong about anything?

YES ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

NO ___

13. Anyone who disagrees with the correct answer to any of the above questions is a sick, godless, radical left terrorist lunatic who hates America.

YES ___

NO ___ (Stop here. No positions are available.)

Thank you for taking the MAGA Government Aptitude Assessment and Placement Examination. If you incorrectly answered any of the questions above, please turn in your answer sheet, leave, and go to some shithole country where your godless radical lunatic socialist ways will be appreciated.

Don't call us. We'll call you. 

Choose wisely. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Musical Sunday

The news has been so relentlessly bad recently that I think we need to have a beautiful song to take our minds off of it. Digging back into my collection, I found this favorite from Sting ...

The lyrics were in the video as subtitles, but in case you'd like to have them in full, here you go ...

You'll remember me when the west wind moves

Upon the fields of barley

You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we walk in fields of gold

 

So she took her love

For to gaze a while

Upon the fields of barley

In his arms she fell as her hair came down

Among the fields of gold

 

Will you stay with me?

Will you be my love?

Upon the fields of barley

We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we lie in fields of gold

 

See the west wind move like a lover so

Upon the fields of barley

Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth

Among the fields of gold

 

I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I've broken

But I swear in the days still left

We'll walk in fields of gold

We'll walk in fields of gold

 

Many years have passed since those summer days

Among the fields of barley

See the children run as the sun goes down

Among the fields of gold

 

You'll remember me when the west wind moves

Upon the fields of barley

You can tell the sun in his jealous sky

When we walked in fields of gold

When we walked in fields of gold

When we walked in fields of gold

Have a good day. Walk your lover through the fields of gold - it will take your mind, however briefly, away from the sad state of the nation.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

May is only two days old and I'm already sick of it.

The State Department has unveiled new passport designs for the nation's 250th anniversary which feature the scowling image of Der Furor ... I'm glad my passport doesn't need to be renewed; Der Furor's vengeance tour continued this week as the Justice Department once again indicted former FBI Director James Comey, this time for his 2025 social media post in which seashells on a beach spelled out "86 47," a message DOJ claims was an assassination threat; all 22 members of the National Science Board, which that advises and oversees the US National Science Foundation (NSF), were fired without explanation “on behalf of President Donald J. Trump;” Der Furor and Secretary of Defense (not War) Hegseth once again blew past the Constitution, declaring - despite the clear requirement of the War Powers Resolution of 1973 - that they did not need to seek Congressional approval of their war against Iran because hostilities have "terminated" ... despite the fact that the Navy's ongoing blockade of Iranian ports is considered an act of war; and the Director of the U.S. Geological Survey says that researchers have discovered a gigantic cache of lithium worth tens of billions of dollars, that could provide hundreds of years of batteries to power American electronics, sitting under the Appalachian Mountains. Aw, go for it - who needs mountains, anyhow?

This week, in honor of a year that just seems to define the expression, "same crap, different day," a collection of cartoons about Sisyphus ...

I used to have my own radio show, and I thought this was hilarious ...

Old-time influencer ...

This one speaks to everyone who has spent endless hours on hold ...

I (and most parents) can relate to this one ...

I think we all ask this every day ...

This was probably edited out of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" ...

I wonder if that would really have worked ...

Uh, oh, is right ...

Is there really an app for that? 

Everybody's gotta start someplace ...

And that's it for the first Cartoon Saturday of May, as I try to start you off with a smile. There's plenty of time for Der Furor and his horde of mindless acolytes to wipe it off your face.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when Sting visits Musical Sunday with one of my favorite love songs. See you then.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

Ah, a new month dawns, and with it the opportunity to highlight another collection of ass clowns. May is one of two months this year (October will be the other) that offers three, rather than just two, opportunities to present ass clown awards, and there will certainly be no shortage of drooling social, political, and religious imbeciles upon whom to shine the light of shame.

And so we forge ahead with the first of our three awards this year as we announce

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

and the the tinfoil and toilet paper crown - with the usual flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of muffled drums - goes to

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth 

Today's award marks the sixth presentation (two shared and two back-to-back)* of the tinfoil and toilet paper crown to Mr. Hegseth, who retains his undisputed position as the least qualified and most incompetent Defense Secretary in the history of the office. 

Confusing bellicosity and anger with managerial and leadership competence, Mr. Hegseth continues to drive the formidable U.S. defense establishment onto the rocks of legal danger and sinking morale as he blindly follows the lead of a president with no military experience who desperately needs adult counseling as he sends American troops needlessly into harm's way.

In a contentious Senate hearing this week, Mr. Hegseth argued that the 60-day clock for the president to obtain Congressional approval for the conflict with Iran stopped when Der Furor announced a ceasefire ... setting up yet another legal question of presidential authority that will likely end up at the Supreme Court, as the law says no such thing and this administration's instinct is to rush to its heavily partisan SCOTUS when it hits legal snags. Mr. Hegseth angrily shot back at Senators and Representatives critical of the war and his management of it, accusing them of being traitors rather than acknowledging their legitimate questioning of the administration's performance. He loudly and continually praised the performance of U.S. forces, while ignoring any attempt to explain the administration's goals and the strategy it is employing to achieve them.

And you are paying record prices for gasoline at the same time that consumer prices for virtually everything are skyrocketing as a direct result of Iran's petulant refusal to admit that Der Furor and Mr. Hegseth have "won" their needless war.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026, is - for the sixth time - Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth. We're in trouble.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll pay a visit to Sisyphus ... who might well be the poster child for this administration. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* April 2025 Right-Cheek; September 2025 Special Award (shared); March 2026 Right-Cheek (shared); March 2026 Left-Cheek; and April 2026 Right-Cheek.

P.S. - I thought you might be interested to know that Pete Hegseth is in third place for the total number of Ass Clown awards earned by an individual. The top four winners at this time are:

Der Furor with 21 awards (12 individual, 7 shared, Ass Clown of the Year for 2015 and 2025, and a Lifetime Achievement Award presented in 2017 along with his 11th award)

Mitch McConnell with 13 awards (11 individual, including 3 back-to-back Ass Clown of the Year awards - 2018, 2019, and 2020, and two shared)

Pete Hegseth with 6 awards (2 shared); and,

JD Vance with 5 awards (2 shared)

B.

Poetry Sunday

 

In spite of the historic fact that the Founders were intent on separating religion from government - having lived experience of times in which wars of religion were both common and vicious - we have an administration that panders to its aggressively religious base for support. This, of course, has the potential to cause major damage to our international relations, our health, our economy, and many other areas of our personal lives.

Faith can be a good thing but, as Emily Dickinson reminds us in today's poem, it's also good to have something else to fall back on ...

"Faith" is a fine invention...

By Emily Dickinson

"Faith" is a fine invention

When Gentleman can see—

But Microscopes are prudent

In an Emergency.

Have a good day. Keep your faith to yourself, don't use it as a weapon, and know when to look beyond your blind reliance on it. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

 

As my dad would have said, if this week had been a fish, he'd have thrown it back ...

Der Furor has reclassified medical marijuana as a less-dangerous drug, the first step to encouraging greater use of pot to cloud the minds of the MAGA faithful; the Department of Justice, as part of broader actions to strengthen the federal death penalty, has expanded death penalty protocols to include pentobarbital injections and firing squads; Der Furor read a Bible passage from the Old Testament in a taped video from the Oval Office, days after he clashed with Pope Leo XIV and upset some of his religious supporters by posting an AI-generated image appearing to depict himself as Jesus; Republicans who cheered the redistricting of Texas and other red states are howling with rage after Virginia voters narrowly approved a redistricting initiative that will increase the number of Democratic seats in that commonwealth; and in the forests of the African nation of Gabon, a big-game hunter from the United States was ambushed and trampled to death by five elephants while hunting for small forest antelope.

This week, in honor of the beating the economy is taking under Der Furor's management, a collection of cartoons about the victims of the ultimate beatdown - piñatas.

If you've been to a kiddie party with a piñata, you know this is true ...

Yes, please!

Somehow I don't think it matters much if the patient lives ...

I think a couple of knights need better squires getting their steeds ready ...

Well, where did you think they came from?

Congratulations - it's a snack!

Don't try to explain this one to the kids ...

And the treatment would be?

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

If so, they're probably Three Musketeers ...

And that's it for this week's tribute to the poor piñata ... I hope you enjoyed it.

Have a good day and a great weekend, and come back tomorrow for Poetry Sunday, this week featuring Emily Dickinson. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

And away we go!

So, do the dogs need to carry those little bags with them?

Please don't ...

I think this is how Der Furor sees affordability initiatives ...

If your math skills are lacking, you may want to buy your soup somewhere else. Thanks for this one, Mike!

It's an interesting euphemism for "overripe" ...

Stock up now!

Well, that's not a good sign ...

Can we discuss that "genetle" massage?

I think this must be a course rule at Der Furor's clubs ...

I think I may have used this one before, but it never gets old and the headline writer deserves a raise ...

And that's it for today - shop wisely and enjoy those succulent racks.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Musical Sunday

I recently saw a post on Facebook that read, "I’m not antisocial, I’m socially selective." Lately, I tend to be the same way, and it reminds me of this great song by Robbie Fulks ...

Here are the lyrics, for those of you who feel like singing along:

I like being left alone

I like chocolate pie, clear blue sky

And a glass of Côtes du Rhône

I like summer, I like fall

I like music, but most of all

I like being left alone

I'm talkin' about sales reps

Talkin' about the government

I'm talkin' about the children

I'm talkin' about you, you, you

My time is like a sweet plum

Everybody wants some

But I'd rather be lonesome

I'd rather be blue

And I like being left alone

Keeping well away from the P.D.A

The traffic and the telephone

I don't care how little, how much I earn

If I could get one thing in return - 

I just like being left alone

We don't have to sit and hold hands

You've already got the gold band

You say I'm talking like an old man

And maybe that's true

What's the harm to sit and think some

Add words of little wisdom

You can paint the town crimson

I'll just stay blue

And I like being left alone

I like chocolate pie, clear blue sky

And a glass of Côtes du Rhône

I like water and I like air

I like space, but not to share

I like being left alone

Yeah, I like summer, I like fall

But the thing that thrills me most of all - 

I like being left alone

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. I hope everybody leaves you alone.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

 

Cartoon Saturday

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

Hungarian leader Victor Orban, endorsed and supported by Der Furor and a poster child for MAGA philosophy applied to Europe, was decisively defeated in last Sunday's election; Der Furor, angered by Pope Leo's denunciation of his war in Iran, attacked the Pope on his "Truth Social" account ... to which the Pope replied, “It’s ironic — the name of the site itself. Say no more.”; the Department of "Justice" has filed papers to vacate the seditious conspiracy convictions of members of the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers extremist groups arising from the insurrection of January 6, 2021; the "Commission of Fine Arts" has given its approval to construction of Der Furor's garish and enormous "victory arch" in Washington; and in Texas, a mother of three who denied involvement when her husband was arrested for allegedly running a prostitution ring for local police officers has been accused of coaching women for prostitution out of the couple’s home.

This week, a collection of random cartoons.

The A Team ...

Back to the drawing board ...

I don't think it's a coincidence at all ...

I moved a lot of times during my military career, and this is not as funny as you might think ...

I found a lot of these words to be useful in describing members of the current administration ...

It seems like this most days ...

Ah, lawyers ...

When considering purchase of an exotic pet, you need to be careful ...

You just know that somebody wanted to ask that question of the astronauts ...

You can't be too careful in today's real estate market ...

And that's it for this week's collection of random cartoons - I hope it helped you get over the prevailing ghastiliness of the last seven days.

Have a good day and a great weekend. Come back tomorrow for Musical Sunday, and a great message from Robbie Fulks. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

I wish I could give these awards to examples of a broader spectrum of ass clownery, but the staggeringly rich mother lode represented by the current administration in Washington has crowded out virtually every other potential awardee. I considered California Representative and gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell for this week's award, but his candidacy was based on the self-inflicted wound of dumbass sexual behavior and was unlikely to cause lasting harm to the nation and the world.

Unlike the trio I have chosen for today's joint award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I present the tinfoil and toilet paper crown of 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

to

Vice President JD Vance,

Jared Kushner,

and

Steve Witkoff

 

Having launched an ill-considered and unnecessary war with Iran and found it much more difficult than kidnapping the President of Venezuela from his bed, Der Furor finagled a peace conference with representatives of that nation. As his representatives, he sent three people with no high-stakes diplomatic experience, no in-depth knowledge of Iranian history, society, and politics, no expertise in military or nuclear policy matters, deep financial entanglements in the Middle East, and no reliable backing from the president and the Secretary of State ... who were in Florida attending an Ultimate Fighting Competition event. They were, in the immortal words of an online commentary I read at the time, "people who couldn't negotiate their way out of a Kohl's coupon dispute."

After the talks broke down, Mr. Vance said,

“We just could not get to a situation where the Iranians were willing to accept our terms. I think that we were quite flexible. We were quite accommodating."

Maybe it's just me, but being "quite flexible" and "quite accommodating" is not quite the same as saying that the other side "(wasn't) willing to accept our terms." 

It should also be noted that this diplomatic clown car careened off the road after less than 24 hours of discussions, when it took more than 20 months for a team of experienced negotiators, backed up by dozens of subject matter experts, to hammer out the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) - the Iran nuclear deal negotiated by the Obama administration which was much tougher on Iran than the plan proposed by Der Furor's lackeys. 

The United States remains embroiled in a needless war with an enemy that - in the expression famously used by Der Furor - holds a better hand of political and economic cards.

Let me be clear: I have no love or respect for the theocratic government of Iran, which has done its best to ruin a once-proud nation and destabilize the wider Middle East. Diplomacy had been working, more or less, until Der Furor tore up the JCPOA in a fit of Obama-snubbing pique. Now, having let slip the proverbial dogs of war, he has no clue how to get those dogs back into the kennel ... and has turned to a trio of toweringly unprepared and inept empty suits to save him.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown award for April, 2026, is presented to the sad diplomatic clown car driven by Vice President JD Vance, Jared Kushner, and Steve Witkoff. Heaven help us.

Have a good day, and be of good hope - elections are coming.

So are more thoughts.

Bilbo