The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

I wish I could give these awards to examples of a broader spectrum of ass clownery, but the staggeringly rich mother lode represented by the current administration in Washington has crowded out virtually every other potential awardee. I considered California Representative and gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell for this week's award, but his candidacy was based on the self-inflicted wound of dumbass sexual behavior and was unlikely to cause lasting harm to the nation and the world.

Unlike the trio I have chosen for today's joint award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I present the tinfoil and toilet paper crown of 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

to

Vice President JD Vance,

Jared Kushner,

and

Steve Witkoff

 

Having launched an ill-considered and unnecessary war with Iran and found it much more difficult than kidnapping the President of Venezuela from his bed, Der Furor finagled a peace conference with representatives of that nation. As his representatives, he sent three people with no high-stakes diplomatic experience, no in-depth knowledge of Iranian history, society, and politics, no expertise in military or nuclear policy matters, deep financial entanglements in the Middle East, and no reliable backing from the president and the Secretary of State ... who were in Florida attending an Ultimate Fighting Competition event. They were, in the immortal words of an online commentary I read at the time, "people who couldn't negotiate their way out of a Kohl's coupon dispute."

After the talks broke down, Mr. Vance said,

“We just could not get to a situation where the Iranians were willing to accept our terms. I think that we were quite flexible. We were quite accommodating."

Maybe it's just me, but being "quite flexible" and "quite accommodating" is not quite the same as saying that the other side "(wasn't) willing to accept our terms." 

It should also be noted that this diplomatic clown car careened off the road after less than 24 hours of discussions, when it took more than 20 months for a team of experienced negotiators, backed up by dozens of subject matter experts, to hammer out the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) - the Iran nuclear deal negotiated by the Obama administration which was much tougher on Iran than the plan proposed by Der Furor's lackeys. 

The United States remains embroiled in a needless war with an enemy that - in the expression famously used by Der Furor - holds a better hand of political and economic cards.

Let me be clear: I have no love or respect for the theocratic government of Iran, which has done its best to ruin a once-proud nation and destabilize the wider Middle East. Diplomacy had been working, more or less, until Der Furor tore up the JCPOA in a fit of Obama-snubbing pique. Now, having let slip the proverbial dogs of war, he has no clue how to get those dogs back into the kennel ... and has turned to a trio of toweringly unprepared and inept empty suits to save him.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown award for April, 2026, is presented to the sad diplomatic clown car driven by Vice President JD Vance, Jared Kushner, and Steve Witkoff. Heaven help us.

Have a good day, and be of good hope - elections are coming.

So are more thoughts.

Bilbo

Fallen Arches

You may recall that on February 3rd of this year, I presented an Ass Clown Special Award to - for the first time - an inanimate object. No, not the GOP Congressional majority, the Arc de Trump, the latest gold-plated monstrosity that Der Furor plans to erect to ensure that Americans will remember him forever. As if we'd be able to forget.

I'd sort of hoped that the whole stupid idea would go away when Der Furor blundered into launching a useless and expensive war with Iran, but that was not to be. Last Friday, the administration released a package of architectural drawings of a hideous gilded monstrosity projected to sit between the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery. You can review the whole ghastly thing here, but here's one image from the plan: 

I don't know about you, but I can think of a lot of things this country needs more than a gaudy "triumphal arch." Affordable health care comes to mind, as does affordable housing, protection of the environment, and a Department of Justice that actually focuses on justice rather than Der Furor's burning desire for revenge against his enemies, real or perceived. 

Somehow, I can't imagine the founders, as they drafted a constitution for their new nation that envisioned a government responsive to the people rather than the whims of an all-powerful monarch, thinking that the capital of that new nation needed a gaudy triumphal arch. Nevertheless, now that Der Furor has stocked the Federal Fine Arts Commission with his stooges, it looks like we'll get the damned thing ... and his $400,000,000 White House ballroom, too.

You could say that I'm the arch enemy of garish architectural fluffery that wastes money better spent on people's needs in a difficult time. Fallen arches are painful. Expensive, ghastly, gilded arches that are a stye in the national eye are even more painful.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

This past Friday we observed the birthday of General William Booth, the founder of The Salvation Army, a Protestant Christian church and international charitable organization headquartered in London and operating around the world. You probably see it most often in the person of the bell-ringers who seek charitable contributions during the Christmas season. 

The founder of The Salvation Army was honored by Vachel Lindsay in this poem, which can be sung to the tune of The Blood of the Lamb, with instruments as noted ...

General William Booth Enters Into Heaven

by Vachel Lindsay

[BASS DRUM BEATEN LOUDLY]

Booth led boldly with his big bass drum—   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

The Saints smiled gravely and they said: “He’s come.”   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

Walking lepers followed, rank on rank,   

Lurching bravoes from the ditches dank,   

Drabs from the alleyways and drug fiends pale—   

Minds still passion-ridden, soul-powers frail:—   

Vermin-eaten saints with mouldy breath,   

Unwashed legions with the ways of Death—   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

[BANJOS]

Every slum had sent its half-a-score   

The round world over. (Booth had groaned for more.)   

Every banner that the wide world flies   

Bloomed with glory and transcendent dyes.   

Big-voiced lasses made their banjos bang,   

Tranced, fanatical they shrieked and sang:—   

“Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?”   

Hallelujah! It was queer to see   

Bull-necked convicts with that land make free.   

Loons with trumpets blowed a blare, blare, blare   

On, on upward thro’ the golden air!   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

[BASS DRUM SLOWER AND SOFTER]

Booth died blind and still by Faith he trod,   

Eyes still dazzled by the ways of God.   

Booth led boldly, and he looked the chief   

Eagle countenance in sharp relief,   

Beard a-flying, air of high command   

Unabated in that holy land.   

[SWEET FLUTE MUSIC]

Jesus came from out the court-house door,   

Stretched his hands above the passing poor.   

Booth saw not, but led his queer ones there   

Round and round the mighty court-house square.   

Yet in an instant all that blear review   

Marched on spotless, clad in raiment new.   

The lame were straightened, withered limbs uncurled   

And blind eyes opened on a new, sweet world.   

[BASS DRUM LOUDER]

Drabs and vixens in a flash made whole!   

Gone was the weasel-head, the snout, the jowl!   

Sages and sibyls now, and athletes clean,   

Rulers of empires, and of forests green!   

[GRAND CHORUS OF ALL INSTRUMENTS.

TAMBOURINES TO THE FOREGROUND]

The hosts were sandalled, and their wings were fire!   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

But their noise played havoc with the angel-choir.   

(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)   

O shout Salvation! It was good to see   

Kings and Princes by the Lamb set free.   

The banjos rattled and the tambourines   

Jing-jing-jingled in the hands of Queens.   

[REVERENTLY SUNG. NO INSTRUMENTS]

And when Booth halted by the curb for prayer   

He saw his Master thro’ the flag-filled air.   

Christ came gently with a robe and crown   

For Booth the soldier, while the throng knelt down.   

He saw King Jesus. They were face to face,   

And he knelt a-weeping in that holy place.   

Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Donate to The Salvation Army if you wish. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get a refund on this past week?

The astronauts of Artemis II returned safely to earth after man's first trip around the moon in more than 50 years; First Lady Melania Furor gave a puzzling press briefing in which she responded to questions about her relationship to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein that no one had asked; Der Furor, although he has long championed the American steel industry and placed stiff tariffs on imported steel, is reported to have secured tens of millions of dollars’ worth of donated foreign steel for construction of his gigantic White House ballroom; Ohio prosecutors say that a 37-year-old man is the first person to be convicted under a new federal law for using AI-generated, sexually explicit images of women to intimidate and harass them; and in India, renowned cow protector Chandrashekhar, also known as Farsa Wale Baba, was killed by cow smugglers, sparking outrage among the nation’s cow protection community.

This week, in "honor" of our battered and insanely expensive health care system, a collection of cartoons about our national health care adventure.

This is about what many people can afford nowadays ...

If it's covered by your insurance, so much the better ...

That bill was big and beautiful for sure ... just not for you ...

It's a start ...

Checking the most important vital sign of all ...

They all work better when taken that way ...

It's how things work under RFK, Jr.'s, "leadership" ...

Most accurate diagnosis, ever ...

Variations on the medical symbol of the Staff of Asclepius - from left to right, top row first: "Obstetrics," "Pediatrics," "Anesthesiology," "Surgery," "Orthopedics," "Pain Management," "Gastroenterology," "Cardiology," "Radiology," and "Pathology" ...

This is absolutely true of every doctor's office I've ever waited in ...

I hope today's collection of cartoons has helped heal your attitude after a week of being mentally injured by terrible news.

Have a good day and a great weekend, and come back tomorrow for a Poetry Sunday salute to the founder of the Salvation Army. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

Welcome to the first collection of Great Moments in Editing and Signage for April ... let's get right to it!

HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., is getting ready for the next Covid-19 variant ...

If it really cures "brain fag," I think we should buy a few bottles for every member of Congress ...

It's the secret ingredient of everything prepared in the White House kitchen ...

I'll bet Danielle regrets the error at least as much as US ...

It's good advice ...

Of all the places one would think Braille signage wouldn't be needed ...

I'll bet they don't have a very high recidivism rate ...

Well, his day certainly took a turn for the better ...

I know what they mean ... and you know what they mean ... but ...

I think I'll be rearranging my sock drawer that day ...

And that's it for this week's collection ... I hope it helped you compensate for the shame and embarrassment of having to acknowledge being an American in the time of Der Furor's administration.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday and a collection of cartoons about the medical care you can't afford any more. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Der Furor's Mix-and-Match Social Media Post Generator

Don't you wish you could make your enemies tremble and your friends (assuming you have any) respect your towering intellect and unparalleled grasp of every conceivable subject?

Now, you can!

You can now make the world dance on the end of your string as you spin out the social media posts that have taken the place in modern governance of presidential oratory, diplomacy, statesmanship, and simple common sense! For a modest, very worthwhile, fee, you can own the ultimate in modern presidential communications generation technology, easy to use for megalomaniacs of any age and educational level - 

Amaze your friends, confound your enemies, and cement your image as a figure of towering strength and unparalleled business and diplomatic acumen. Don't worry if your self-generated posts make no sense - lesser beings will see them as brilliant examples of your ability to play four-dimensional chess.

Act now! Call our sales office at (202) 456-1414 ... if the line is busy, call (561) 973-1450!

No other social media post generator has my complete and total endorsement!

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Musical Sunday

This past week saw the largest mass demonstrations in American history as an estimated 8-9 million people took to the streets for the second "No Kings Day," protesting the creeping authoritarianism and white religious supremacist leanings of Der Furor and his enablers.

At the height of World War II, with Nazi Germany an existential threat to democracies and decency around the world, humor was - then as now - a potent weapon against the image and behavior of a tyrant like Adolf Hitler. This popular tune by Spike Jones and his City Slickers was one of the classics of the genre ...

Here are the lyrics:

When Der Fuehrer says, "We ist der master race"

We Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face

Not to love Der Fuehrer is a great disgrace

So we Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face

When Herr Goebbels says, "We own der world und space,"

We Heil! Heil! Right in Herr Goebbels' face

When Herr Goring says "They'll never bomb this place,"

We Heil! Heil! Right in Herr Goring's face

Are we not the supermen

Aryan pure supermen

Ja we ist der supermen

Super-duper supermen

Ist this Nazi land so good?

Would you leave it if you could?

Ja this Nazi land is good!

Vee would leave it if we could 

 

We bring the world to order

Heil Hitler's world New Order

Everyone of foreign race will love Der Fuehrer's face

When we bring to der world disorder.

When Der Fuehrer says, "We ist der master race"

We Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face.

Not to the love the Not to love Der Fuehrer is a great disgrace

So we Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face

When Der Fuehrer says, "We ist der master race"

We Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face

Not to love Der Fuehrer is a great disgrace

So we Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuehrer's face

It's no wonder that I've found "Der Furor" to be a most appropriate nickname for the despicable creature who was, sadly, elected by angry Americans not ready for the consequences of their choice.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

And April's off to a flying start ...

The Artemis II spacecraft launched spectacularly and successfully from Cape Canaveral on Wednesday, marking mankind's first return to the moon since the 1970s; Der Furor defenestrated Attorney General Pam Bondi, frustrated over her handling of the Epstein Files and her inability to follow through on revenge prosecutions of his enemies; a Federal judge ordered work on Der Furor's White House ballroom to cease until the project has been reviewed and approved by Congress and its sources of funding clarified; a U.S. F-15 fighter was shot down over Iran on Friday - one crew member was rescued and the other is still missing; Secretary of Defense (Not War) Pete Hegseth fired the Chief of Staff of the Army in the middle of a war, apparently because he refused Hegseth's order to remove otherwise qualified officers from promotion lists because of their race or sex; and in China, a law has been introduced to stop people storing the ashes of their dead relatives in empty high-rise apartments converted into ancestral shrines rather than paying for more expensive and increasingly scarce cemetery plots.

This week, in honor of the "No Kings" rallies around the country in opposition to the self-proclaimed king in the White House, a collection of cartoons about royalty ...

Pun of the day ...

It looks like Der Furor isn't the only monarch given to changing his mind on a moment's notice ...

There's funny as in ha-ha and there's funny as in bring me a strait jacket. I know which one applies.

That's not how Der Furor reacts to comedy he doesn't like ... he cuts off their licenses rather than their heads ...

It's only an interview if the questions actually get answered ...

Remind you of anyone? ...

Whatever works ...

Ah, the Royal "We" ...

I think you may want to consult your intelligence analysts ...

No, he's definitely not ready ...

And that's it for the first Cartoon Saturday of April and our squinty-eyed salute to the kings we used to not have in this country. I hope you had a much chuckle in the midst of war and creeping authoritarianism.

Have a good day and a great weekend, and come back tomorrow for Musical Sunday and a look back to a song parodying another dictator. More thoughts then. 

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

Two weeks ago, in a comment on my Facebook page about the Left-Cheek Ass Clown Award announced earlier that day, my old friend Dave wondered how many people had won back-to-back awards over the years. I did the research and discovered that there have been three instances over the years: Dick Cheney was the final winner in December of 2014*, and won the Ass Clown of the Year (ACOY) for 2014 a week later; Texas Governor Greg Abbott was the On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2022, and won the 2022 ACOY the following week. Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth was the third, having shared the Right-Cheek Award for March, 2026, followed by winning the Left-Cheek Award for the month two weeks later. Mr. Hegseth, being an overachieving MAGAt of the highest degree, seems intent on making his mark not just on the wreckage of the Department of Defense (not War), but on the history of my Ass Clown Awards.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it is with no small degree of shame and regret that I award the tinfoil and toilet paper crown, fourth poison ivy cluster, to

The Right Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

and the winner, for an unprecedented third straight time (one shared) is

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth

It's not easy to get the Pope to condemn you, however obliquely, but the clownishly belligerent Mr. Hegseth managed to make it happen after delivering a bizarre address at a "Christian Worship Service" at the Pentagon, when he exhorted his listeners

"Let every round find its mark against the enemies of righteousness and our great nation. Give them wisdom in every decision, endurance for the trial ahead, unbreakable unity, and overwhelming violence of action against those who deserve no mercy."

There is, of course, a long history of invoking the blessings of (insert preferred deity) on military undertakings. Indeed, the stirring Order of the Day to the troops issued by General Dwight Eisenhower before the Normandy landings on June 6th, 1944, ended with the words, 

"... let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking."

And imperial and Nazi Germany famously emblazoned "Gott mit uns" ("God is with us") in their military heraldry.

Pope Leo XIV has pushed back against Mr. Hegseth's use of religious, specifically Christian, endorsement of war and violence. In his homily to crowds on Palm Sunday, without mentioning the Secretary of Defense (not War) by name, he said 

"Brothers and sisters, this is our God: Jesus, King of Peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them, saying: 'Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.'" (Is 1:15).

When the Pope calls you out, you may want to rethink your rhetoric.

In his angry, bloodthirsty calls for extreme violence, Pete Hegseth has revealed himself to be an unserious, morally bankrupt man in a job which - paradoxically - requires both a willingness to use lethal force and a thoughtful weighing of the morality of such use. Writing in The Atlantic, Peter Wehner succinctly observed that

"We need people in government and in the military who can lead the nation to victory in times of war, but that is quite different than having people in leadership who indulge in bloodlust ..."

Sadly, we do not have them. And it is a terrible loss for the nation and the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026, is Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth - yet another example of the toxic mediocrity that has replaced competence,  morality, empathy, and simple humanity in Der Furor's government.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

P.S. - after I wrote this post earlier in the week, Mr Hegseth removed two black men and two women from the list of officers recommended by the Army for promotion to Brigadier General. He did not give a reason for their removal, but it's pretty clear that they ran contrary to his version of senior military command as a meritocracy based on white "Christian" male leadership. And he wasn't done yet ... on Thursday he fired - without stating any reason - the Chief of Staff of the Army, General Randy George, in the middle of the undeclared war against Iran. I can't make this stuff up.

* Before I started the Right-Cheek/Left-Cheek/On-Crack system.

Poetry Sunday

Spring has sprung, as they say - the sun crossed the celestial equator to mark the vernal equinox back on March 20th, giving us hope that we can at least enjoy better weather if we can't enjoy better political leadership. This short poem by Tom Hennen brings the warm feel and smell of the season of new growth and experience ...

Spring Follows Winter Once More 

by Tom Hennen 

Lying here in the tall grass

Where it’s so soft

Is this what it is to go home?

Into the earth

Of worms and black smells

With a larch tree gathering sunlight

In the spring afternoon

And the gates of Paradise open just enough

To let out

A flock of geese.

Lie back in that soft grass, watch the clouds go by, and putter in your garden. Spring's good for all those things that make life more bearable.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo