The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

With the new month comes (at least) two opportunities to highlight new paragons of ass clownery. Between wars, political buffonery, religious bigotry, and economic chicanery, ass clowns have proliferated like toadstools after a warm rain. Of course, this embarrassment of "riches" makes it difficult to single out recognition-worthy individuals or groups (or, occasionally, things), but I started this and I'll carry it through.

This time, though, I didn't have much trouble deciding on a recipient who exemplifies the very highest standards of Der Furor-era horseshittery. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, with the traditional flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of sour farts, I give you

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026

United States Attorney

for

the District of Columbia

Jeanine Pirro

Unusually enough for a senior position in Der Furor's regime, Jeanine Pirro is nominally well qualified for the position she holds. She is an attorney who has been elected and served as a county district attorney (in Westchester County, New York) and as a judge of the Westchester County court. These qualifications were likely of secondary interest in her selection for her current position ... more important was her time as a relatively popular conservative television personality: she hosted a weekday "reality" courtroom television show ("Judge Jeanine Pirro") on the CW Network from 2008-2011, then moved to Fox News to host the network's "Justice with Judge Jeanine" from January 2011 to January 22, 2022. She then moved to the Fox political talk show "The Five" as a co-host, where she remained until May of 2025, when Der Furor appointed her to her present position, following his tradition of selecting Fox News personalities who look good on television for senior jobs in his regime*.

Judge Pirro's award today is based on her shameful performance in filing felony vandalism charges against 67-year-old ex-Olympic canoe racer David Hearn, saying on July 2nd that "the evidence shows and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hearn willfully destroyed property at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool," and that the evidence showed that Mr Hearn had been observed "forcefully and violently" tearing liner material from the bottom of the pool.

That was then. This is now.

Late Friday afternoon**, July 31st, Judge Pirro announced (to the great anger of Der Furor) that she was recommending dropping all charges against Mr Hearn, and that the damage to the Reflecting Pool had been caused by flawed installation by the contractor***, "with repeated failures of the lining during the installation process and extensive peeling of the lining throughout the Reflecting Pool," and a rush to complete the project before the Independence Day celebrations.

She blamed the original charge against Mr Hearn on incorrect information received from the Department of the Interior and - obviously - did not mention the involvement of Der Furor in the botched renovation work.

We shall see if Mr Hearn receives a formal apology and reimbursement of his legal fees for Judge Pirro's headlong rush to the judgement desired by her boss. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026, is Jeanine "She Who Folded Like an Umbrella" Pirro. I suggest you try to stay off her radar.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for a new edition of Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* In all fairness, it must be admitted that she is professionally (if not temperamentally) qualified for her position, unlike her fellow Fox News shouting head Pete Hegseth, who is busy wrecking the Department of Defense (not War).

** The usual time at which bad news is made public, so as to minimize the attention it is likely to receive.

*** Atlantic Industrial Coatings, a company suggested by Der Furor for a no-bid contract on the basis of work it had done on pools at some of his properties ... a claim he later denied.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

As July wheezes down to its end and we look forward to winter's cold rather than summer's blazing heat, it's time once again to heap scorn on yet another deserving ass clown. I've thought about it long and hard, and have finally unfurrowed my brow and made my choice.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we hereby recognize 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

and the award goes to

Secretary of Homeland Security

Markwayne Mullin

Former Senator Markwayne Mullin was named Homeland Security Secretary this past March to replace the scandal-ridden Kristi Noem*, who had become an embarrassment and a liability in the position.

Mr. Mullin did not have the usual qualifications to run an organization with the responsibilities of DHS** - he did not come from a border state, lacked deep knowledge of immigration policy, did not have a background in counterterrorism, never served in the military or in law enforcement, and did not work on any of the congressional committees that directly oversee DHS and immigration. But he had two qualities valued above all others in the current regime: absolute loyalty to Der Furor; and the tough-talking, high-testosterone attitude required to compete with Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth and lead the masked, heavily-armed bullies of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Mr Mullin passed the testosterone audition when, during a Senate hearing in November of 2023, he threatened to fight Teamsters Union president Sean O'Brien, nearly leading to a brawl before the committee chairman, Bernie Sanders, urged him to calm down, reminding him that he was a U.S. Senator. 

Mr Mullin has moved with full energy to carry out Der Furor's anti-immigrant policies, working to meet the daily arrest quotas set by Gilded House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller while steadfastly justifying the number of deaths attributed to trigger-happy ICE agents. He has also inserted himself into GOP attempts to undermine confidence in the nation's elections, warning state election officials that they could lose funding or be investigated if they fail to comply with Der Furor’s election security demands ... almost all of which constitutional law experts agree are unconstitutional. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, testosterone-fueled Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne "Stand your butt up, then" Mullin is the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026. In addition, he earns a score of 2,500,000 on the Gohmert-Greene Stupidity Scale. He should go back to running his plumbing business and ramping up his testosterone with more MMA fights rather than fights with people testifying before Congress.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday salute to the original giant horse's ass. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* A two-time Ass Clown Award winner herself: May 2025 Left Cheek and March 2026 Right Cheek (shared).

** As if Kristi Noem did.

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

With the arrival of July, the year begins its downhill slide toward winter and another six months of opportunities to recognize the superstars of ass-clownery. The only thing that grows faster than the dill and oregano in my garden is the pool of potential award winners, and I spend a great deal of time trying to sift the chaff from the other chaff to make good decisions. This period was a little more difficult than most for a lot of reasons, but I think I've made the right choice. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, with a loud blare of vuvuzelas and a roll of drums, we announce selection of 

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2026

and the award goes to

Der Furor*

and

FIFA President Gianni Infantino

with dishonorable mention to

Federation Internationale

de

Football Association**

As the World Cup - one of the world's premiere sporting events - raced toward its exciting final games, a major game between the United States and Belgium was tainted before it even took place as a result of improper political interference in the sport on the part of Der Furor.

During a game between the United States and Bosnia-Herzegovina, star American player Folarin Balogun received a red card and a one-game suspension from a referee after stepping on the ankle of Bosnian player Tarik Muharemovic. The red card award would have been controversial in any case, given the high stakes of World Cup games and the lesser penalties for other similar actions, but the one-game suspension meant that Balongun, the U.S. team's star scorer, would miss a critically important match against Belgium.

Well, we can't have that, can we? Der Furor - who cares about soccer and the World Cup only insofar as it provides an opportunity to demonstrate his view of American exceptionalism - called his friend Gianni Infantino*** (president of FIFA, the sport's notoriously corrupt world governing body) to complain about the penalty and to denigrate the referee as "very suspect." After their conversation, FIFA announced that the red card and one-game suspension awarded to Mr Balogun would be lifted, allowing him to play in the match against Belgium.

The reaction from other teams and national governments was, unsurprisingly, swift and angry, calling into question the integrity of the game and the legitimacy of the outcome of the pending U.S. - Belgium game. Der Furor, of course, saw nothing wrong with yet another of his "perfect" phone calls^†, this time to “... a man who’s highly respected, and by the way, whose level of respect has gone up tenfold.” For his part, Mr Infantino denied doing anything wrong, claiming that the decision to lift Balogun's penalty was made by FIFA’s disciplinary committee. 

The U.S. team lost the game to Belgium - bigly - on Monday evening by a score of 4-1, in spite of the presidential thumb on the scale.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown award for July, 2026 is shared between Der Furor and FIFA President Gianni Infantino, who have managed to cast a damaging political pall over the world's premiere sporting event, and to once again make the United States look like a spoiled bully.

But wait! There's more!! Mr. Balogun has become an example for defenders of birthright citizenship, the right enshrined in the Constitution that gives automatic citizenship to children born in the United States to foreign parents, which is despised by Der Furor and his MAGA base. It seems that Mr. Balogun - the star scorer of the U.S. men's soccer team - was born in the United States while his parents, who were born in Nigeria and lived in London, were on a trip. If Der Furor had his way, Folarin Balogun would be shooting goals for some other country. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Have a good day, and be sure to come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll raise our glasses to celebrate ... wine! See you then with more thoughts.

Bilbo

* Twenty-second award.

** Second award (previously Right-Cheek for December, 2025).

*** And the individual who dreamed up the silly "FIFA Peace Prize" to bestow upon Der Furor.

^†Like the attempted shakedown of Ukrainian President Zelenskyy that led to his first impeachment, and his notorious call to Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensburger asking him to find enough votes to throw the state's election results in his favor.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

Today, we announce the 380th Ass Clown Award* - the latest of my ongoing attempts to shine the light of infamy on those who exemplify noteworthily (?) despicable behavior and the waste of oxygen that might otherwise benefit trees.

Today's award goes to an individual that I can't believe I've missed before this. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we designate as

 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

Acting Attorney General

Todd Blanche

The Office of the Attorney General of the United States was created by the Judiciary Act of 1789, and evolved over the years into the head of the Department of Justice (DOJ) and chief law enforcement officer of the Federal Government. According to the DOJ website, "The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested."

That's what it says, anyhow.

In practice, Mr Blanche serves as the personal shyster and designated legal hit man for Der Furor, continuing the steady weaponization of the DOJ begun by his predecessor, four-time ass clown award winner Pam Bondi. In his eagerness to achieve his dream of becoming the confirmed, rather than the acting, Attorney General, Mr Blanche has diligently abused his position in order to bring the full weight of the federal justice system to bear against the enemies, real and perceived, of Der Furor. 

It takes significant effort to get a formal request for an ethics investigation into your conduct, but Mr Blanche has gone the extra mile and achieved this questionable distinction. In a 73-page ethics complaint filed to the New York State Bar, 101 retired judges laid out a veritable deluge of complaints about Mr Blanche, including: calling into question his "competency and diligence" in failing to defend the interests of the United States in Der Furor's $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS (including numerous conflicts of interest and "dishonest and deceitful conduct"); his "Abuse of [DOJ] authorities to target personal & political opponents of the President;" and his failure to comply with the Epstein Files Transparency Act.

It is clear that Mr Blanche is focused not on the impartial administration of justice in service to the nation, but on how to abuse his position to punish Der Furor's enemies and make a laughingstock of traditional American notions of equal justice under law.

New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd wrote in March of 2019 about another of Der Furor's lawyers, Michael Cohen, in this wonderful passage,

“Trump, who once bleated 'Where’s my Roy Cohn?' in his anger about Jeff Sessions recusing himself, wanted a lawyer who was whip-smart, amoral, ruthless and predatory. Cohen was merely Renfield to Trump’s Dracula, gratefully eating insects and doing the fiend’s bidding.”

Todd Blanche has proven himself to be the latest in the long line of Renfields who have sacrificed their honor and dignity for a power-hungry narcissist who has neither. He will eventually suffer the same fate as all those who have tied their fortunes to a man interested only in what they can do for him, regardless of the personal and professional consequences. But until then, he will continue to represent not the rule of impartial law, but the iron fist of a government weaponized for the benefit of one dangerously unworthy person.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026, is Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. We can only hope that enough members of the Senate grow spines and prevent his actual confirmation to the position ... but I'm not holding my breath, and neither should you.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday look at Artificial Intelligence ... heaven knows we have little enough actual intelligence around.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Comprising 365 individual/group awards and 15 Ass Clown of the Year awards.

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

A new month brings new opportunities to recognize those who strive to distinguish themselves by rising above the prevailing high level of ass clownery. The job of singling out the awardees doesn't get any easier, but I will rise once again to the occasion and do the tough work of skimming the surface of the swirling cesspool of lunacy in search of the biggest chunk.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it gives me no particular pleasure to announce

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026

and the award goes to

Director of National Intelligence Designee

(Recently Withdrawn)

Bill Pulte

SPECIAL NOTE: I actually wrote this award earlier in the week, when the Pulte nomination was announced. Since then, the degree of horrified pushback from both sides of the Congressional aisle led Der Furor on Thursday to withdraw Pulte's nomination and replace him with - are you ready? - yet another individual with absolutely no intelligence or military experience, Jay Clayton*, U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York and former Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). I decided to just go ahead and give Mr Pulte this award with some minor editing, in recognition of his demonstrated willingness to abuse a position of trust in the service of Der Furor's vengeance program. Read on.

In a regime already noteworthy for the number of unqualified individuals appointed to positions of national responsibility, Der Furor's designation of real estate magnate and current director of the Federal Housing Finance Agency Bill Pulte to be the Director of National Intelligence deserves special opprobrium.

Replacing hapless nonentity Tulsi Gabbard, who at least had military service if not the required intelligence experience, with Bill Pulte, who had neither, led even a handful of spineless Congressional Republicans to question the wisdom of the appointment. Mr Pulte's sole "qualification" for the DNI position is his unquestioning and unwavering dedication to Der Furor, and his willingness to exploit his government position to support Der Furor's search for revenge against his political enemies. 

There really isn't much more to say about the appalling depths to which we have sunk when one of the most sensitive and important national security positions in the government is handed to the hackiest of political hacks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for June, 2026, is Bill Pulte, the unqualified vengeance monkey who very nearly became the nation's most senior intelligence manager and Blackmail Enabler in Chief. Our foreign enemies surely recoil in fear at the depth of our professional intelligence leadership bench.

Have a good day and be sure to come back tomorrow for a Cartoon Saturday look at the increasingly expensive luxury of dining out. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* Mr Clayton does, however, offer the advantageous qualification of having been part of regime efforts to slow-walk the release of the Epstein files. 

The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026

As long-time readers of this blog know, I generally present my Ass Clown awards twice each month, based on the fact that most months have four Fridays available, the other two of which are dedicated to Great Moments in Editing and Signage. Twice a year, though, the calendar yields a month with five Fridays, and depending on how they fall they can allow a third Ass Clown award. 

Such is this month; the other will come in October. 

And so it is, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, that I am able to designate

The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026

and the award goes to

The White House Cage Fight

Yes, friends, nothing says "happy birthday" to the United States of America and celebrates her values quite like a grotesque display of violence on the South Lawn of the White House - the same place that hosts children for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. The event, officially named "UFC Freedom 250," will be held on June 14th of this year - Flag Day and (by the sheerest of coincidences) the 80th birthday of Der Furor.

You might have thought that the 250th anniversary year of the signing of the Declaration of Independence would be an opportunity for Americans to reflect on our history - a time to think about where we started, how we've developed as a nation, where we are today, and where we want to go in the next 250 years. Unfortunately, that's not the style of our current "leadership." 

Instead of a thoughtful assessment of the lessons of history and their meaning for our future, a celebration of our accomplishments and a reckoning with our shortcomings, we will be treated to the spectacle of 14 men beating each other's brains out in front of a cheering mob of Der Furor's invited guests. Instead of the quiet, subdued dignity of the historic White House (minus, of course, the late East Wing), we'll have a garish, brightly-lit cage in which the violence so honored and espoused by Der Furor and his angry MAGA followers is offered as a symbol of our wildly distorted national values. 

Along with Der Furor's grotesquely inappropriate "Monumental Arch" and his expensive and unnecessary White House Ballroom/Drone-Proof Bunker, the UFC cage takes its place as a symbol of our diminishing stature as a nation and a people. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it gives me no pleasure to designate The White House Cage Fight as our On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2026. It's a sad symbol of what our Founders' dream has become under a corrupt regime that has nothing but contempt for our traditional values.

Have a good day. Demand better when you cast your votes in the midterms and in the 2028 presidential election.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

It's time to announce the second of our three Ass Clown awards for the month. As usual, the competition was fierce, but in my mind, the winner was clear.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the tinfoil and toilet paper crown designating

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

is presented to

John Mark Burns

Televangelist, evangelical minister, and GOP political figure John Mark Burns, a "spiritual adviser" to the president, last week presided over the unveiling at the Trump National Doral Miami of a 22-foot golden statue of Der Furor, an event he called "... far more than a ribbon cutting. It was a moment of gratitude, honor, and remembrance,” in which he was joined by dozens of other religious figures. 

The blowback from other religious leaders was fierce, with many of them accusing Burns of idolatry and violation of the First Commandment*. The reaction was such that Burns was compelled to reply, claiming in a post on Twitter (now known as "X") that, 

"This statue was not created for worship. It was created as a symbol of resilience, patriotism, courage, and gratitude. It was created to honor a man whom many may disagree with, but millions of Americans believe has done extraordinary things to make this nation stronger."

He added,

"Let me be very clear: we worship the Lord Jesus Christ and Him alone."

Regardless of Mr Burns' protestations, the optics of a "pastor" blessing a golden idol that praises a man who embodies every one of the Seven Deadly Sins does not speak well of the piety and morality of himself or of the crowd of "religious" figures who joined him in the act. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026, is "Pastor" John Mark Burns - a man whose already thin religious credentials have been eroded by his idolatrous worship of a golden idol.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll take a cartoon look at literature. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* For those of you unfamiliar with it, it reads (depending on the version of the Bible you consult), "I am the Lord, your god; you shall have no other gods before Me."

The Ass Clown Awards - Looking Back, Looking Forward

On April 17, 2011 (fifteen years ago!) I presented the first of my Ass Clown awards - my way of singling out truly despicable people for acknowledgement of their contributions to poisoning the gene pool. The first winner was a neophyte political buffoon named Donald Trump, and I presented the award "in recognition of his boundless egotism and willingness to embrace long-discredited birther conspiracies in an attempt to make himself look like a meaningful candidate for president." 

Sadly, we all know how that worked out, and Der Furor (I can no longer bring myself to write or say his name) has received more Ass Clown awards over the past 15 years than any other individual - 21 awards, consisting of 12 individual awards, 7 shared awards, two Ass Clown of the Year awards (2015 and 2025), and a Lifetime Achievement Award presented in 2017 along with his 11th award).

Here are a few other historical observations and statistics about my Ass Clown awards:

1. As of today, I have presented 376 awards, slightly more than two per month.

2. The tradition of designating Ass Clowns by cheek (Right-Cheek and Left-Cheek) began in January, 2015. On July 31st of that year, a third available Friday necessitated a new designation - the On-Crack Ass Clown, which was originally suggested by my friend and fellow blogger John.

3. The burgeoning number of Ass Clowns led me to begin announcing the occasional Ass Clown Special Award, the first of which was presented to The Republican Party in September, 2020. I've presented a total of 25 Special Awards. 

 

4. I've presented 15 Ass Clown of the Year (ACOY) awards since 2011. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell has won three consecutive times (2018, 2019, and 2020 - a record for successive wins), the Republican Party has won three times (2011, 2017, and 2023), Der Furor has won twice (2015 and 2025), and The American Electorate has won twice (2016 and 2024).  

5. In June of 2025, I introduced a system of designating multiple awards to the same recipient modeled on the military use of oak leaf clusters, stars, and other devices for that purpose. The second and subsequent Ass Clown Awards each earn a poison ivy cluster. The second, third, or fourth ACOY Awards earn the Poop of Distinction ... the fifth and each subsequent ACOY earns the Poop of Distinction in Gold. Unfortunately, this got to be too cumbersome, so I've stopped using it ... although I still like the idea of the Poop of Distinction, which I'm retaining for occasional future use.

Last month, in my post presenting the Left-Cheek Ass Clown Award for April, I wrote that 

"I wish I could give these awards to examples of a broader spectrum of ass clownery, but the staggeringly rich mother lode represented by the current administration in Washington has crowded out virtually every other potential awardee." 

In response to that plaintive wish, longtime reader allenwoodhaven suggested I might ease the selection problem by adopting a new category of Ass Clown awards that provides

"Some sort of special status, like Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for certain immigrants. They stay in that status until it's revoked but are otherwise (supposed to be) ignored. Their status is assumed. The equivalent could be Temporary Ass Clown Status (TACS). Repeat offenders or truly special first timers could earn the new status at your discretion. They then wouldn't be considered for regular awards because it would be assumed they're still Ass Clowns. If they ever stop being one, you could rescind it. That's probably unlikely."

I think there's merit in that suggestion. It lets me recognize ordinary levels of ass clownery without diverting attention from truly world-class ass clowns or needing to present a Special Award between cheeks. And so I have decided to introduce the Provisional Ass Clown (or PAC) award. PAC awards will be presented on an as-needed basis to ass clowns who deserve recognition, but do not rise to the level of a Right-Cheek, Left-Cheek, On-Crack, or Special award. The winner of a Provisional award can, of course, later be elevated to higher status by subsequent superior or continued acts of ass clownery.

Any comments? I don't have an inaugural PAC winner in mind yet, although the field is full of deserving weeds. 

Have a good day, and come back on Friday for the announcement of the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for May. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

Ah, a new month dawns, and with it the opportunity to highlight another collection of ass clowns. May is one of two months this year (October will be the other) that offers three, rather than just two, opportunities to present ass clown awards, and there will certainly be no shortage of drooling social, political, and religious imbeciles upon whom to shine the light of shame.

And so we forge ahead with the first of our three awards this year as we announce

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026

and the the tinfoil and toilet paper crown - with the usual flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of muffled drums - goes to

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth 

Today's award marks the sixth presentation (two shared and two back-to-back)* of the tinfoil and toilet paper crown to Mr. Hegseth, who retains his undisputed position as the least qualified and most incompetent Defense Secretary in the history of the office. 

Confusing bellicosity and anger with managerial and leadership competence, Mr. Hegseth continues to drive the formidable U.S. defense establishment onto the rocks of legal danger and sinking morale as he blindly follows the lead of a president with no military experience who desperately needs adult counseling as he sends American troops needlessly into harm's way.

In a contentious Senate hearing this week, Mr. Hegseth argued that the 60-day clock for the president to obtain Congressional approval for the conflict with Iran stopped when Der Furor announced a ceasefire ... setting up yet another legal question of presidential authority that will likely end up at the Supreme Court, as the law says no such thing and this administration's instinct is to rush to its heavily partisan SCOTUS when it hits legal snags. Mr. Hegseth angrily shot back at Senators and Representatives critical of the war and his management of it, accusing them of being traitors rather than acknowledging their legitimate questioning of the administration's performance. He loudly and continually praised the performance of U.S. forces, while ignoring any attempt to explain the administration's goals and the strategy it is employing to achieve them.

And you are paying record prices for gasoline at the same time that consumer prices for virtually everything are skyrocketing as a direct result of Iran's petulant refusal to admit that Der Furor and Mr. Hegseth have "won" their needless war.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2026, is - for the sixth time - Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth. We're in trouble.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll pay a visit to Sisyphus ... who might well be the poster child for this administration. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* April 2025 Right-Cheek; September 2025 Special Award (shared); March 2026 Right-Cheek (shared); March 2026 Left-Cheek; and April 2026 Right-Cheek.

P.S. - I thought you might be interested to know that Pete Hegseth is in third place for the total number of Ass Clown awards earned by an individual. The top four winners at this time are:

Der Furor with 21 awards (12 individual, 7 shared, Ass Clown of the Year for 2015 and 2025, and a Lifetime Achievement Award presented in 2017 along with his 11th award)

Mitch McConnell with 13 awards (11 individual, including 3 back-to-back Ass Clown of the Year awards - 2018, 2019, and 2020, and two shared)

Pete Hegseth with 6 awards (2 shared); and,

JD Vance with 5 awards (2 shared)

B.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

I wish I could give these awards to examples of a broader spectrum of ass clownery, but the staggeringly rich mother lode represented by the current administration in Washington has crowded out virtually every other potential awardee. I considered California Representative and gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell for this week's award, but his candidacy was based on the self-inflicted wound of dumbass sexual behavior and was unlikely to cause lasting harm to the nation and the world.

Unlike the trio I have chosen for today's joint award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I present the tinfoil and toilet paper crown of 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

to

Vice President JD Vance,

Jared Kushner,

and

Steve Witkoff

 

Having launched an ill-considered and unnecessary war with Iran and found it much more difficult than kidnapping the President of Venezuela from his bed, Der Furor finagled a peace conference with representatives of that nation. As his representatives, he sent three people with no high-stakes diplomatic experience, no in-depth knowledge of Iranian history, society, and politics, no expertise in military or nuclear policy matters, deep financial entanglements in the Middle East, and no reliable backing from the president and the Secretary of State ... who were in Florida attending an Ultimate Fighting Competition event. They were, in the immortal words of an online commentary I read at the time, "people who couldn't negotiate their way out of a Kohl's coupon dispute."

After the talks broke down, Mr. Vance said,

“We just could not get to a situation where the Iranians were willing to accept our terms. I think that we were quite flexible. We were quite accommodating."

Maybe it's just me, but being "quite flexible" and "quite accommodating" is not quite the same as saying that the other side "(wasn't) willing to accept our terms." 

It should also be noted that this diplomatic clown car careened off the road after less than 24 hours of discussions, when it took more than 20 months for a team of experienced negotiators, backed up by dozens of subject matter experts, to hammer out the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) - the Iran nuclear deal negotiated by the Obama administration which was much tougher on Iran than the plan proposed by Der Furor's lackeys. 

The United States remains embroiled in a needless war with an enemy that - in the expression famously used by Der Furor - holds a better hand of political and economic cards.

Let me be clear: I have no love or respect for the theocratic government of Iran, which has done its best to ruin a once-proud nation and destabilize the wider Middle East. Diplomacy had been working, more or less, until Der Furor tore up the JCPOA in a fit of Obama-snubbing pique. Now, having let slip the proverbial dogs of war, he has no clue how to get those dogs back into the kennel ... and has turned to a trio of toweringly unprepared and inept empty suits to save him.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown award for April, 2026, is presented to the sad diplomatic clown car driven by Vice President JD Vance, Jared Kushner, and Steve Witkoff. Heaven help us.

Have a good day, and be of good hope - elections are coming.

So are more thoughts.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

Two weeks ago, in a comment on my Facebook page about the Left-Cheek Ass Clown Award announced earlier that day, my old friend Dave wondered how many people had won back-to-back awards over the years. I did the research and discovered that there have been three instances over the years: Dick Cheney was the final winner in December of 2014*, and won the Ass Clown of the Year (ACOY) for 2014 a week later; Texas Governor Greg Abbott was the On-Crack Ass Clown for December, 2022, and won the 2022 ACOY the following week. Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth was the third, having shared the Right-Cheek Award for March, 2026, followed by winning the Left-Cheek Award for the month two weeks later. Mr. Hegseth, being an overachieving MAGAt of the highest degree, seems intent on making his mark not just on the wreckage of the Department of Defense (not War), but on the history of my Ass Clown Awards.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it is with no small degree of shame and regret that I award the tinfoil and toilet paper crown, fourth poison ivy cluster, to

The Right Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026

and the winner, for an unprecedented third straight time (one shared) is

Secretary of Defense (not War)

Pete Hegseth

It's not easy to get the Pope to condemn you, however obliquely, but the clownishly belligerent Mr. Hegseth managed to make it happen after delivering a bizarre address at a "Christian Worship Service" at the Pentagon, when he exhorted his listeners

"Let every round find its mark against the enemies of righteousness and our great nation. Give them wisdom in every decision, endurance for the trial ahead, unbreakable unity, and overwhelming violence of action against those who deserve no mercy."

There is, of course, a long history of invoking the blessings of (insert preferred deity) on military undertakings. Indeed, the stirring Order of the Day to the troops issued by General Dwight Eisenhower before the Normandy landings on June 6th, 1944, ended with the words, 

"... let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking."

And imperial and Nazi Germany famously emblazoned "Gott mit uns" ("God is with us") in their military heraldry.

Pope Leo XIV has pushed back against Mr. Hegseth's use of religious, specifically Christian, endorsement of war and violence. In his homily to crowds on Palm Sunday, without mentioning the Secretary of Defense (not War) by name, he said 

"Brothers and sisters, this is our God: Jesus, King of Peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them, saying: 'Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.'" (Is 1:15).

When the Pope calls you out, you may want to rethink your rhetoric.

In his angry, bloodthirsty calls for extreme violence, Pete Hegseth has revealed himself to be an unserious, morally bankrupt man in a job which - paradoxically - requires both a willingness to use lethal force and a thoughtful weighing of the morality of such use. Writing in The Atlantic, Peter Wehner succinctly observed that

"We need people in government and in the military who can lead the nation to victory in times of war, but that is quite different than having people in leadership who indulge in bloodlust ..."

Sadly, we do not have them. And it is a terrible loss for the nation and the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for April, 2026, is Secretary of Defense (not War) Pete Hegseth - yet another example of the toxic mediocrity that has replaced competence,  morality, empathy, and simple humanity in Der Furor's government.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

P.S. - after I wrote this post earlier in the week, Mr Hegseth removed two black men and two women from the list of officers recommended by the Army for promotion to Brigadier General. He did not give a reason for their removal, but it's pretty clear that they ran contrary to his version of senior military command as a meritocracy based on white "Christian" male leadership. And he wasn't done yet ... on Thursday he fired - without stating any reason - the Chief of Staff of the Army, General Randy George, in the middle of the undeclared war against Iran. I can't make this stuff up.

* Before I started the Right-Cheek/Left-Cheek/On-Crack system.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, it's finally happened - for the first time in a long time, I have had absolutely no trouble selecting this week's award winner. Without the least shadow of a doubt, and with the greatest of sorrow for what might have been in better times, I announce presentation of the tinfoil and toilet paper crown for 

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

to

Secretary of Defense (NOT War)

Pete Hegseth*

Pete Hegseth, Fox and Friends weekend anchor turned Secretary of Defense (not War) is beyond any doubt the most utterly unqualified and dangerous person ever appointed to the position. In a cabinet filled with useless ciphers whose only qualification is slavish devotion to Der Furor, Mr Hegseth stands out by virtue of the vast level of damage his incompetence has enabled his boss to unleash.

Because he has only the crudest kill-people-and-break-things idea of his position, he lacks the maturity and intelligence to advise the president (who, of all people, needs mature and intelligent guidance on most things). He fails to realize that raw military power is only one aspect of national power, and that it must be judiciously employed. 

Mr Hegseth has complained bitterly about complained about CNN's reporting that Der Furor and his advisors had underestimated Iran’s ability to disrupt global oil traffic by closing the Strait of Hormuz, calling the report "patently ridiculous" ... even as Iran has, in fact, closed the strategic strait and sent oil prices skyrocketing. And indicating that his willingness to make war extends to those who dare to use their First Amendment rights, he grandly announced that “the sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better.”

Mr Hegseth utterly failed to ensure that the war his boss insisted on launching had a strategic goal that would allow him to determine when those goals had been achieved. "Just bomb them back to the Stone Age" is not an especially useful strategic aim.

Having already received a huge increase in the Defense budget in last year's "Big Beautiful Bill," Mr Hegseth has announced he will ask Congress for another $200 billion to fund Der Furor's war of choice in Iran.

Mr Hegseth also displays a shocking lack of understanding of the laws and responsibilities of war. In a recent press briefing, he said the U.S. military “will keep pressing, we will keep pushing, keep advancing, no quarter, no mercy for our enemies” in the operation against Iran. The phrase “no quarter” actually means killing enemy combatants instead of accepting their surrender ... which is a war crime. 

Pete Hegseth is a dangerously cartoonish figure who, when combined with the current president, represents a terrible danger to the United States military, the United States government, and our moral standing in a dangerous world. He deserves complete and total condemnation, and I regret that I can do no more than present him with this award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, your Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026, is Secretary of Defense (NOT War) Pete Hegseth - truly one of the most dangerous men in the world today.

Have a good day and remember this abominable creature when you vote in this year's midterm elections and the 2028 Presidential election. The nation and the world deserve better ... assuming we survive the next two and a half years of this administration.

Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday - more thoughts then.

Bilbo 

* This is Mr. Hegseth's fourth award, entitling him to the third Poison Ivy Cluster on his original tinfoil and toilet paper crown. His previous awards were: the April, 2025 Right-Cheek; September, 2026 Special Award (shared with Der Furor); and March, 2026 Right-Cheek (shared with the other six members of the Seven Deadly Horse's Asses of the Political Apocalypse).

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

It grieves me to say, friends, that I am near to giving up on the Augean stable-level task of separating the chaff from the chaff to select these Ass Clown Awards. The sheer number of eligible recipients, coupled with the staggering level of ass clownery they represent and the damage they do every day, makes both my brain and my heart hurt.

At the moment, it strikes me that many of the most eligible ass clowns in the upper levels of our government combine the worst features of two classic measures of misanthropy and ill will: the Seven Deadly Sins and The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and so I have decided to combine the two for purposes of this award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I have decided to designate as 

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for March, 2026

The Seven Deadly Horse's Asses*

of the Political Apocalypse

I have written several times on the topic of the Seven Deadly Sins (one example here) and how they manifest themselves in today's political class, and I've also riffed on the fascinating topic of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (here). But I thought it would be interesting to combine them as a larger posse that encompasses more of the ugliness that has come to characterize our sad excuse for a government ...

Der Furor, the most proudly and ostentatiously corrupt president in my lifetime (if not our entire history), clearly is The Horse's Ass of Greed.

Hysterically bellicose, angrily chest-thumping Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth is clearly The Horse's Ass of War.

Former Secretary of Homeland Security and new "Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas" (I am not making that up) Kristi Noem, famous for shooting her dog and for the brutal and unconstitutional treatment of illegal aliens (and anyone else who got in the way), is a shoo-in for The Horse's Ass of Cruelty.

Attorney General Pam Bondi's embarrassingly disrespectful and vituperative treatment of Members of Congress** at her most recent hearing puts her clearly in the saddle as The Horse's Ass of Wrath.

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who has done more to undermine public health than anyone since Typhoid Mary, gallops in as The Horse's Ass of Pestilence.

Although a strong case could be made for his boss, the Attorney General, to fill this slot, I believe that morally and ethically pliable FBI Director Kash Patel has earned the title of The Horse's Ass of Injustice.

And finally, rounding out our expanded Deadly Posse,

Proudly racist White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, relentless implementer of Project 2025's assault on immigration, both legal and illegal, is the runaway choice for The Horse's Ass of Intolerance.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, we have finally done it to ourselves by electing and enabling an administration of Biblical-level incompetence and casual evil, embodied by today's award-winning Seven Deadly Horse's Asses of the Political Apocalypse.

It's time to divert the electoral rivers to clean out a stable that would embarrass even Augeas.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll look at the trials and tribulations of bisected magicians' assistants. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a "horse's ass" as "a stupid or incompetent person." If the shoe fits ...

** Who, granted, have worked hard to earn a great deal of contempt on their own.

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for February, 2026

While thinking about who to dishonor with today's award, I was reminded of Aragorn's line from J.R.R. Tolkien's classic story "The Fellowship of the Ring" - 

"Winter is nearly gone. Time flows on to a spring of little hope."

Winter is, indeed, nearly gone (or so we hope), and spring offers hope of better weather, if not of a better  government defined by morality, honesty, and competence. And to illustrate the loss of hope, we award the tinfoil and toilet paper crown of

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for February, 2026

to

Secretary of State

Marco Rubio

This is the second award for Mr Rubio, who was our Right Cheek Ass Clown in March of 2025.  As I wrote at the time, he was confirmed by a vote of 99-0 by senators convinced that he could be as competent a Secretary of State as Der Furor was likely to accept. Sadly, he has failed to clear even the most modest bar of competence and dignity as our nation's most senior diplomat.

Today's award is based largely on Mr Rubio's performance at the annual Munich Security Conference last week, in which he continued to support the administration's embarrassingly ugly white Christian nationalist approach to foreign affairs. In his address, he continued to echo Der Furor's endless screed about the ruin of western civilization by the evil of immigration, conveniently skipping the fact that his family immigrated to the U.S. from Cuba in 1956, and instead emphasizing his family's roots in eighteenth-century Spain ... a suitably European origin story rather than a dirty third-world one.

Once a respected figure on the national and international stage, Mr Rubio - like so many others who have hitched their wagon to Der Furor - has become a mere stooge contributing to the precipitous decline in our image and standing in the world. Whatever the lofty, yet empty, words mouthed by the Secretary of State in the service of Der Furor, we have become a laughingstock in world capitols, and have squandered the goodwill and friendship we have earned over many decades of competent governance.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Left-Cheek Ass Clown for February, 2026, is Secretary of State Marco Rubio, yet another man who has squandered his dignity and honor in the service of a president and a philosophy unworthy of his talents.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday returns. See you then.

Bilbo