New Phones

This month marked the two-year anniversary of our cellular phone service contract, meaning that we were eligible to trade up our museum-piece cell phones for newer, spiffier models. This is important, because cell phones, like all modern electronic devices, are outdated by the time the ink dries on the contract, obsolescent by the time you get them home, and obsolete by the end of the week. We decided that it was a good time to get the new phones, since Agnes is headed for her class in Las Vegas next week (remember the story a few months ago about airline ticket purchasing?), and we figured she should have a nice new phone before she leaves.

So...

We went to the local store operated by our service provider (which shall remain nameless for the moment) in search of new phones. Agnes is very, very picky about these things, and spent the better part of an hour examining and comparing the vast range of available phones, "assisted" by a not-especially-helpful salesman. She finally narrowed it down to the one she wanted, and the salesman disappeared into the Secret Back Room Vault O' Phones ... only to return with the news that this particular model was sold out. Agnes ground her teeth and went back to the search again, finally deciding on a second choice phone ... which turned out also to be out of stock. By this time she'd had enough of the store and the poor salesman (who, she pointed out, didn't seem to care enough about the sale to try to locate the desired phone for her anywhere else), and we left.

We went across the street to the local shopping mall, back to the kiosk where we'd bought our current phones two years before. Here, the experience was a bit different. A fast-talking, hyperactive, dreadlocked young salesman couldn't do enough to make the sale, bouncing back and forth between his limited stock, his telephone to his supplier, and his computer to search sources on the internet. In the end, Agnes got the phone she'd originally wanted, although the salesman wasn't able to find the exact Bluetooth earpiece she wanted, since we didn't know the exact model number. I bought a phone of a different make and model, but will take it back today and exchange it for one like Agnes's (it's easier to be the family help desk if I only have to worry about one make and model of phone).

Cellular phones nowadays aren't really phones ... they're multimedia extravagances that pack huge numbers of capabilities into the smallest possible package. I just want to make phone calls. I don't need to take pictures (I have a gazillion dollars worth of camera equipment for that), play music (the old iPod works fine, thank you), surf the web (my eyes are bad enough without trying to surf on a one-by-two inch screen), read my e-mail (the 24-inch screen and full-sized keyboard on my desktop are much better for that), or shoot videos (that's why God made video cameras). The instruction book for the new phone is an inch thick, and comes with a CD full of instructional videos and software that allows one to sync the phone to the computer. The only thing it doesn't have is a remote Taser attachment so that you can shoot lots of volts at morons who waste your time with recorded political ads or sales calls.

But that will probably be available in next week's version.

The new-generation cell phones are a lot smarter than I am. Of course, our new toaster is smarter than I am, too, but it's much larger, and it makes toast. I'm glad for the convenience of a cell phone, and the safety factor it allows for keeping in touch when Agnes and I are apart. If they're difficult to learn to use, and full of features we don't need, well, I guess that's the price we pay for progress. It wasn't easy to find phones with large enough keypads for our pudgy fingers, and screens large and friendly enough for those of us who wear tri-focals. And we discovered that the service agreement we have is so good that it isn't even offered any more (although we're grandfathered into it, so we can keep the good deal).

So...

We have our spiffy new phones. If you are one of the select few who has the number, you won't notice any difference ... you dial, we answer (if we recognize your number). After all, these phones are for our convenience, not anyone else's.

And in two years, we're going for the models with the Taser. Or the toaster ... that should be available by then.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo