Who Is an "Officer?"

One of the more bizarre arguments being made on behalf of Der Furor by his lawyers, acolytes, and sycophants in an attempt to shield him from responsibility for prosecution on a charge of insurrection under the 14th Amendment is that he is not an "officer of the United States" in the meaning of the law. 

Here's the actual text of the 14th Amendment (the italics are mine):

"No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability."

Now, it seems to me that the President of the United States is pretty clearly the most senior and responsible officer of the United States. Under The Constitution he is, after all, the Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, along with a bunch of other responsibilities (see Article 2, Section 2).  

But does the law actually specify who an officer is? As it happens, it does!

The US Code is the official compilation of the nation's federal laws. It has 50 "Titles" addressing various topics of the law, which are subdivided into hundreds of Chapters and Sections of increasing specificity*. Title 1 (General Provisions) explains the general outline and structure of the US Code; Chapter 1 of Title 1 (Rules of Construction) tells us how to read the rest of the Code; and Section 1 of Chapter 1 (Words denoting number, gender, and so forth) helpfully defines major terms ...

"In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, unless the context indicates otherwise [...] "officer" includes any person authorized by law to perform the duties of the office;"

Now, that seems pretty clear to me ... but then, I'm not a high-priced lawyer in search of the loopiest of loopholes in service of a desperate client.

Section 1 also helpfully defines other terms useful in today's torture of the law in the defense of the indefensible ...

"... the words "insane" and "insane person" shall include every idiot, insane person, and person non compos mentis;"

and, thanks to the Citizens United decision of the Supreme Court ...

"... the words "person" and "whoever" include corporations, companies, associations, firms, partnerships, societies, and joint stock companies, as well as individuals;"

Yep, Furor, you're an officer of the United States. And you're guilty as hell. Just shut up and go away.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* You might recall that God Almighty only needed ten commandments.

Der Furor's New Campaign Song

As Der Furor steamrolls his way toward the likely Republican nomination, his rallies need new and better music. He's fond of using tunes* like "Macho Man," "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and "God Bless the USA," but they've gotten stale through overuse. As a public service, I have written a new campaign song for him, one more suited to his personality, and I offer it to his campaign with no charge ...

Are You Loathsome Tonight?

(sung to the tune of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"**)

Are you loathsome tonight?

Still too far to the right?

Are you angry that Nikki’s still here?

Does your memory stray as you rant day to day

Always stoking Republican fears?

Are the chairs in your cabinet with sycophants full?

Do you hire just those who accept all your bull?

Is your heart filled with hate, do you fear to debate?

Tell me, Trump, are you loathsome tonight?

I wonder if you’re loathsome tonight

I know you once said that the world’s broken and only you can fix it

Fate had MAGAts in love with you as their sweetheart

Act one was where you met

They loved you at first glance

You read their fears so cleverly and never missed a cue

Then came act two, you seemed to change, you acted strange

Like an orange-tinted clown

Furor, you lied when you said you’d fix it

Still I never doubted you 

But I’d rather go on hearing your lies

Than to go on living without you

Now the stage is bare and you’re standing there

With no opposition around

And if you won’t accept a loss

Then you’ll burn America down

Is your heart filled with rage?

Shall we turn a new page?

Tell me, Trump, are you loathsome tonight?

Hint: yes, he is.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* One should note that many artists have objected to his use of their music at his rallies, including John Fogarty, Phil Collins, and Bruce Springsteen.

** If you're not familiar with the original song written by Roy Turk and Lou Handman in 1926 and most memorably recorded by The King, here are the lyrics, with a link to the YouTube audio:

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight?

Do you miss me tonight?

Are you sorry we drifted apart?

Does your memory stray to a bright summer day

When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?

Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?

Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight

You know someone said that the world's a stage and each of us must play a part

Fate had me playing in love with you as my sweetheart

Act one was where we met

I loved you at first glance

You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue

Then came act two, you seemed to change, you acted strange

And why I've never known

Honey, you lied when you said you loved me

And I had no cause to doubt you

But I'd rather go on hearing your lies

Than to go on living without you

Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there

With emptiness all around

And if you won't come back to me

Then they can bring the curtain down

Is your heart filled with pain

Shall I come back again?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Musical Sunday

As I look at the rolling circus of American political life, it seems that I need to dust off this song once again for Musical Sunday. Yes, it's NSFW, but then, so is much of everything nowadays.

If you have any to spare, I'll accept donations.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

As my Dad would have said, if this week had been a fish, I'd have thrown it back. 

A New York jury has awarded E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million in her defamation lawsuit against Der Furor, bringing the total penalties assessed against him in two related cases to $88.5 million ... the jury also recommended that DF's lawyer Alina Habba be hung, drawn, quartered, and burned at the stake, although the judge reduced the penalty to walking naked through the streets and pelted with garbage, followed by a chorus of Ruth Bader Ginsburg impersonators ringing bells and shouting "shame, shame!"; Russia claimed, without evidence, that a crashed military aircraft was carrying Ukrainian prisoners intended to be exchanged for Russians; a Japanese moon lander squarely hit its target on the lunar surface, but unfortunately landed upside down; Boeing continued to experience problems on the way to safely reintroducing its 737 Max 9 airliners; and in Sioux City, Iowa, a Christian school has decided to arm its staff and teachers, evidently realizing that thoughts and prayers were insufficient to protect its students. 

This week, since "truth" has become a quaintly outmoded concept in politics and advertising, I thought a collection of cartoons that remind us of what it used to be might be appropriate ... 

WWDS (What Would Descartes Say)? ...

Poor Diogenes ...

In today's world, truth isn't always so self-evident, is it? ...

"Gullible idiots." Otherwise known as "Der Furor's Base" ...

"Manure du Jour" ...

As Sigourney Weaver's character Ripley memorably asked in the science-fiction classic Aliens, "Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?" ...

My truth beats your truth ...

Indeed ...

Truth in Congressional hearings ...

If only ...

Truth, Dear Readers ... our most endangered species.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when Musical Sunday returns.

Bilbo

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for January, 2024

As January draws to a close, it's time once again to single out an ass clown for recognition. As always, particularly in an election year, this is difficult, given the staggering number of available contenders. But I've put my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone, and my gag reflex on hold to make my selection. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I have decided to name as

The Left-Cheek Ass Clown for January, 2024

Senator Tim Scott (R, SC)

At a time when most political figures on the right are falling over themselves to worship at the festooned altar of Der Furor, Senator Scott - having abandoned his own bid for the GOP presidential nomination, gave an embarrassingly fawning and obsequious endorsement of Der Furor in the run-up to the New Hampshire primary election. 

Civil rights activist Al Sharpton had this to say about Scott's speech endorsing Der Furor: 

“There are few moments in my life [when] I’ve been more embarrassed than to watch Tim Scott. You know, I know Tim and I are both practicing Christians, but I don’t know if he could pray like that to the other side. It was humiliating to watch what Tim Scott did as a sitting senator. And at one time … he wasn’t even on the script, he interrupted Trump to pay homage.”

And when Der Furor suggested that Mr Scott "must really hate" Nikki Haley, since the former South Carolina governor appointed him to his Senate seat in 2013, Scott shamelessly abased himself by shouting, "I just love you."

Der Furor has a long record of going out of his way to insult and demean his political opponents, who grin and take the abuse, possibly in the hope of obtaining some future favor from a man famous for demanding obeisance from those to whom he shows no loyalty. That Mr Scott would so fawningly eat the excrement offered by Der Furor is a humiliating and disgusting performance by a man once touted as a rising star of the tattered Republican party.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, for his shockingly self-abasing performance in service of a man manifestly unfit for the presidency - much less any position of public responsibility - South Carolina senator Tim Scott is named as our Left-Cheek Ass Clown for January, 2024. He has taken his smiling place in history as yet another person ruined by Der Furor.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday returns.

Bilbo

Der Furor's New Civil Service Exam

With the prospect of enough Americans being insane enough to vote once again for Der Furor, we must begin paying more attention to what he says and what his acolytes are planning for the prospect of a second round of his style of governance. We know that during his administration, Der Furor was upset that the professional members of the Civil Service were more loyal to the Constitution than to him, and so he tried to create a new category of Civil Service employee ("Schedule F") that he could fire for no particular reason other than insufficient personal loyalty to himself. 

Now, I've had a good deal of experience with dealing with members of the Civil Service, and I can tell you that most of them are dedicated public servants who are serious, good at their jobs, and focused on doing the right thing. I can also tell you that there are a few useless jerks*, but you'll find those in any organization, and they are in the minority. When President Theodore Roosevelt created the professional, merit-based Civil Service back in 1883, he wanted to root out the corruption and political meddling that had long bedeviled the federal government. By and large, his system has worked well over the years ... until it ran aground on the rocks of a president more interested in personal loyalty than in the faithful execution of the laws. Based on analysis of Der Furor's rambling monologues to adoring crowds and the public statements of his planners and sycophants, I expect that the Civil Service Exam in a potential second DF administration will look something like this ...

Updated Civil Service Examination

for

Potential Hirees under Schedule F

Thank you for your interest in serving in the wasteful, bloated, and overreaching United States Government. Your suitability for federal government employment will be assessed based on the successful completion of all four parts of this examination, designed to determine whether you are one of the very best people until you aren't. You may begin immediately.

Part 1

True/False Questions

1. The Constitution consists of the Second Amendment, a guarantee of unlimited power and lifetime immunity for the president (applicable only in GOP administrations), and some other unimportant stuff.

TRUE     FALSE

2. The Founders clearly stated in the Constitution that the United States is a 100% Christian nation, and that all other religions are false and cause terrorism.

TRUE     FALSE

3. "Climate Change" has absolutely no scientific basis, and people who believe in it are un-American and probably terrorists.

TRUE     FALSE

4. The United States is the most exceptional nation ever founded, is a shining example for the rest of the world, and is incapable of doing anything wrong; anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist.

TRUE     FALSE

5. Taxes are bad under all circumstances, and can be completely eliminated if the government stops wasteful spending on useless, job-killing^TM things like welfare, education, food and drug safety, and environmental protection.

TRUE     FALSE

6. Immigration from parts of the world other than Northern Europe admits murderers, rapists, and drug dealers, and poisons the blood of the nation.

TRUE     FALSE

7. Those who do not answer questions 1 through 6 correctly (i.e., "TRUE") are terrorists who hate America.

TRUE     FALSE

This concludes Part 1 of the examination. If you answered "FALSE" to any of the questions above, please turn in your answer sheet, leave, and go to Canada or someplace else where your godless socialist ways will be appreciated. If you answered "TRUE" to questions 1 through 7, you may proceed to Part 2, the Essay Question portion of the examination:

Part 2

Essay Questions

1. Because The Founders clearly intended the United States to be a 100% Christian nation, members of the Section F Civil Service must demonstrate correct understanding of religious issues. Answer the following questions:

a. Explain why Der Furor was personally selected by God Almighty to lead the greatest nation on earth. Defend your answer with appropriate quotations from the Old Testament or from Kenneth Copeland, Pat Robertson, or Joel Osteen.

b. Explain The Founders' emphasis on the 100% Christian basis of the nation. Defend your answer with quotes from The Constitution, the Federalist Papers, and the writings of conservative evangelical Christian preachers. You may paraphrase or edit quotes from the Constitution and the Federalist Papers as needed to prove your points.  

2. A member of the Section F Civil Service must have a firm grasp of economic theory and policy. Answer the following question:

Show a plan for balancing the federal budget by cutting all non-defense spending and slashing taxes. Your numbers need not balance or make sense as long as your plan clearly benefits the interests of businesses and the wealthy.

3. A member of the Section F Civil Service must be prepared to deal effectively with difficult questions of law. Answer the following question:

A proposed administration policy is likely to be unconstitutional, illegal, immoral, or all three. Explain, with examples, how you would defend the policy. You may use carefully-selected and appropriately-edited quotes from the Bible, the writings of Ayn Rand, speeches by Der Furor or any conservative member of the Supreme Court, or commentaries by Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, or Fox News personalities.

4. Applicants for Section F Civil Service who are applying to the State Department must also take the Foreign Service Examination by answering the following question:

Propose a foreign policy approach which prioritizes the interests of the United States above all other nations without the need to compromise on any issue. Your proposed policy must provide for the restriction of immigration to persons from Northern European (i.e., non-shithole) countries. You may use carefully-selected and appropriately-edited quotes from the Bible, the writings of Ayn Rand, speeches by Der Furor, or commentaries by Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, or Fox News personalities to defend your approach.

This concludes Part 2 of the examination. You may proceed to Part 3, the Physical Fitness portion of the examination:

Part 3

Physical Fitness Examination

Please demonstrate your ability to perform the following physical exercises within the allotted time:

1. Elevated Right-Arm Salute. The salute must be properly rendered. It is not necessary to shout "Make America Great Again" while saluting, although it may help a less-than-perfectly executed salute achieve credit. Passing score is 60 salutes per minute.  

2. Kowtow. For full credit, the forehead must impact the floor with an audible sound and the position must be held for a minimum of three seconds. Passing score is 15 repetitions per minute, including the three-second hold.

3. Policy Contortions. Applicant must demonstrate the ability to twist into complex positions in order to accommodate discontinuities, conflicts, and contradictions in executive directions and policy guidance. Passing grade requires ability to shift between diametrically opposite positions in less than two seconds.

4. Suppression of Gag Reflex. Applicant must demonstrate the ability to defend rapidly-changing or controversial administration policies without choking. Passing grade requires no evidence of gag reflex during a two-hour mock press conference.

Part 4

Physical Appearance Evaluation

The final portion of your application for Schedule F employment is completion of the Personal Appearance Evaluation, which will ensure that your personal appearance is appropriate to the position sought. This will be scheduled and conducted in accordance with guidelines provided by the President, which are subject to change without notice and to waiver in extraordinary circumstances. Refer to the general guidelines below, which can be waived or changed without notice:

1. Caucasian (not mandatory, but strongly preferred).

2. Male - must exude strength and confidence. Perfectly-combed gray or white hair recommended for senior State Department positions and Supreme Court justices. Strong, muscular physique and square jaw required for Secretary of Defense, Service Secretaries and major commanders, and Justice Department positions down to the level of FBI Director and US Attorneys. Must look good on television from any angle, and must be shorter than the President.

3. Female - must be conventionally feminine and attractive, physically fit, with submissive posture; age range of 21-35 generally preferred. Well-groomed and styled hair required, blondes preferred (see Fox News on-air personalities for examples). Must look good on television from any angle, and must be shorter than the President.

This concludes the Civil Service Examination for Potential Schedule F Employees. Thank you once again for your interest in serving in the wasteful, bloated, and overreaching United States Government. We will notify you if you are selected for employment, which will be at the exclusive pleasure of the President and can be terminated at any time, for any reason, and without prior notice. You have been warned. Have a nice day.

*****

Think you can pass?

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Someday I'll tell you about my long-running and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to fire a useless GS-4 secretary at the Pentagon.

Putting Lipstick on a Pig

One of my favorite colorful expressions is putting lipstick on a pig ... for my  readers not fluent in colloquial English, it refers to making useless cosmetic changes to something ugly in an attempt to fool observers into thinking it's beautiful.

Back in April of 2015, I presented the Right-Cheek Ass Clown Award to the writers of North Korean school textbooks for their laughably obsequious descriptions of the incredible sporting and intellectual feats of the Kim family, designed to make a clan of murderous thugs seem like monumentally brilliant and praiseworthy figures that every starving North Korean should revere and emulate.

But now we're in 2024, a tremendously important election year, and lipstick factories are working overtime to cosmetically enhance Der Furor, the likely GOP nominee for the presidency despite his manifest unsuitability for the job. Consider all the overblown artwork and language being churned out by the MAGA propaganda mill to make Der Furor seem like a steroid-enhanced heroic figure rather than an overweight, narcissistic, petulant blowhard ...

I've always thought this one was particularly rich for a guy who avoided military service because of "bone spurs" and referred to military members killed in action as "losers" and "suckers" ...

 

This one's just as good ... the only thing Der Furor has in common with the tank is the weight ...

This one is particularly silly, comparing the heroic figure of Washington crossing the Delaware to Der Furor crossing the DC swamp. George Washington is probably rolling over in his grave ...

You may recall the I-love-me series of non-fungible token* trading cards that Der Furor hawked a year or so ago to his credulous followers, proving P.T. Barnum's observation that there's a sucker born every minute ...

One of the most amazing examples of weird thinking in recent memory is the adoption of the poster child for each of the Seven Deadly Sins as a shining example of god's will. An appropriate caption for this image seen online was, "A short time later, Jesus realized his watch was missing" ... 

And, of course, there are those who believe that Der Furor will prevail against his 91 criminal charges in court because he's got the right co-pilot at his side. This is important, because reputable lawyers concerned with their professional standing (and with actually getting paid) are not exactly flocking to his bench ...

Putting lipstick on a pig ... it doesn't work for rational people who actually see what's in front of them, but it seems to work really well for the MAGA crowd. Let's hope against hope that they smarten up before November.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Speaking of things attractive to the credulous.

Poetry Sunday

Yes, I know that today is supposed to be a Musical Sunday, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to note the birthday this past week of one of my favorite poets - the man known as The Bard of the Yukon, Canadian poet Robert W. Service. His skill at rhythm and narrative imagery makes for poems that are a delight to read aloud, even though his occasional use of language that might be unacceptable today for its ethnic slurs can offend some more sensitive listeners. My favorite of his poems is "The Cremation of Sam McGee" (just slightly ahead of "The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill"), but this one speaks to me louder the older I get ...

It Is Later Than You Think

by Robert W. Service

Lone amid the café’s cheer,

Sad of heart am I to-night;

Dolefully I drink my beer,

But no single line I write.

There’s the wretched rent to pay,

Yet I glower at pen and ink:

Oh, inspire me, Muse, I pray,

It is later than you think!

Hello! there’s a pregnant phrase.

Bravo! let me write it down;

Hold it with a hopeful gaze,

Gauge it with a fretful frown;

Tune it to my lyric lyre ...   

Ah! upon starvation’s brink,

How the words are dark and dire:

It is later than you think.

Weigh them well .... Behold yon band,

Students drinking by the door,

Madly merry, bock in hand,

Saucers stacked to mark their score.

Get you gone, you jolly scamps;

Let your parting glasses clink;

Seek your long neglected lamps:

It is later than you think.

Look again: yon dainty blonde,

All allure and golden grace,

Oh so willing to respond

Should you turn a smiling face.

Play your part, poor pretty doll;

Feast and frolic, pose and prink;

There’s the Morgue to end it all,

And it’s later than you think.

Yon’s a playwright — mark his face,

Puffed and purple, tense and tired;

Pasha-like he holds his place,

Hated, envied and admired.

How you gobble life, my friend;

Wine, and woman soft and pink!

Well, each tether has its end:

Sir, it’s later than you think.

See yon living scarecrow pass

With a wild and wolfish stare

At each empty absinthe glass,

As if he saw Heaven there.

Poor damned wretch, to end your pain

There is still the Greater Drink.

Yonder waits the sanguine Seine ...

It is later than you think.

Lastly, you who read; aye, you

Who this very line may scan:

Think of all you planned to do ...   

Have you done the best you can?

See! the tavern lights are low;

Black’s the night, and how you shrink!

God! and is it time to go?

Ah! the clock is always slow;

It is later than you think;

Sadly later than you think;

Far, far later than you think.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of this bitterly cold weekend. It's later than you think.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

 

Cartoon Saturday

And away we go ...

In Thailand, former pro-democracy activist Mongkol Thirakot was sentenced to a record 50 years in prison for insulting the king, leading Der Furor's planning staff to investigate the possibility of a similar law in the United States in the event of a second DF term;  the Justice Department released a stinging report that ripped the Texas law enforcement community over its response to the 2022 Uvalde school massacre; Pakistan and Iran exchanged missile attacks on alleged terrorist camps in each other's territories, threatening a wider war in the Middle East; Ukraine targeted oil facilities inside Russia in an attempt to cause pain far from the front lines of its war with Putin's forces; and in Russia, Tsar Vladimir I has directed his staff to document Russian assets that once belonged to the former Russian Empire or were owned by the Soviet Union, causing nervousness in countries that used to belong to the former Soviet Union and leading the National Archives to increase security on the receipt documenting the sale of Alaska to the United States.

Since it's been too cold to do much else but stay inside, read, watch TV, and cook, I thought I might riff through my collection of cartoons about food and cooking ... 

Everybody's got some dietary issue or another nowadays ...

The secret of great cooking ... plus cholesterol and weight gain ...

Trust me, it's not enough ...

It would, if you don't know any French ...

Nowadays, people will argue about anything ...

You're gonna need a bigger bun ...

I plant, therefore I harvest ...

That would definitely increase its appeal ...

Been there, done that. Several times a week ...

About a week should do it ...

And that's it for today's issue of Cartoon Saturday ... are you hungry, yet?

Have a good day and a great weekend. Stay warm and come back tomorrow, when - instead of Musical Sunday - we'll have another Poetry Sunday in honor of The Bard of the Yukon, whose birthday we celebrated this past Tuesday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

If you're done digging yourself out after the latest winter storm (at least, here in NoVa), you can warm up with this week's collection of Great Moments in Editing and Signage ...

They must have been short of targets ...

That must be attractive to the group from St Glock's ...

Not a bad price for flavourless hexagons* ...

Such a deal! ...

Apology not necessary ...

Make sure you ask for the right one ...

Anything else I could say would just make it worse ...

Mostly ...

I've never dated a notorized woman, as far as I know ...

I wonder who did the research ...

And there you go - another batch of classic editorial and signage examples. I hope they helped take your mind off politics, the economy, Ukraine, Gaza, Taiwan, etc, etc ... it's the best I can do.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... you know you need it. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* I always thought "hexagon" was a synonym for "exorcism."

Guidelines for Door-to-Door Political Campaign Representatives

With the completion on Monday of the Iowa caucuses - a massive snow job in every sense of the word - the 2024 presidential campaign season is upon us. And you thought the plagues visited upon Egypt were bad ... 

One of the things that a presidential campaign brings with it is hordes of campaign representatives who go door-to-door to flack for their candidate of choice. Some are better than others, being well-informed about their candidate's policies and positions and eager to engage in productive discussion aimed at changing your mind. Most, however, are simply armed with talking points and scripts they are able quickly to regurgitate, but not so quickly to explain or defend. These people get upset when you ask them questions that they interpret as your failure to understand the incalculable excellence of their candidate and the despicable shortcomings of his/her opponent. During the first Obama campaign, a Republican door-knocker actually told me to my face that I was stupid if I voted for that person ... hardly a move likely to convince me I was backing the wrong horse.

I don't mind if people come to my door during election season, but if they do, I expect them to be ready to engage in reasoned debate on the basis of facts and logic. As you might expect, I am frequently disappointed. As a result, I have decided to save time and aggravation by developing a set of guidelines which I provide to candidate representatives before engaging in any discussion ...

Guidelines

for

Door-to-Door Political Candidate Representatives

1. I get one vote. Your job is to convince me to give it to your candidate or party. It is not your job to convince me to vote against anyone else. See #3 below.

2. All I want to hear from you is specific information on your candidate's or party’s policy proposals and stands on issues. If you can't answer detailed questions about them, go away and send back someone who can. Don't waste my time.

3. Don't say anything about any other candidate or party ... I do not care in the least about your opinion. The other candidate's or party’s representative can tell me about him or her ... all I want to hear from you is what I specified in #2 above. I am perfectly capable of comparing information I get from the two of you and making decisions on my own.

4. Don't get mad at me when I ask you detailed questions and try to pin down evasive answers. My experience shows that you will probably interpret probing questions as attacks on your candidate, rather than as attempts to gain information you should have at your fingertips and be prepared to defend. If that's your attitude, go away and waste someone else's time.

5. With respect to #4 above: detailed questions about your candidate or party do not equate to support for any other candidate or party. You should be prepared to answer such questions and engage in debate based on facts and logic. If you accuse me of being stupid or supporting another candidate or party just because I want better information about yours, be sure your nose is far enough away from the door to avoid being hurt when I slam it shut.

Feel free to use this handout, and to modify it according to your own style and preferences. It's fun watching some of these campaign reps struggle to actually present cogent arguments rather than parrot bumper-sticker slogans.

Have a good day. Remember that you get one vote - make it count, especially in a year like this.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Ass Clown Special Award

Well, it didn't take long for me to see the need for the first out-of-cycle ass clown special award of the year. This is not a good sign.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, I hereby present 2024's first

Ass Clown Special Award

to

Texas Governor Greg Abbott

Mr Abbott, a three-time Ass Clown awardee*, leaped back into the front ranks of ass clownery last week as a result of his heartless and brutal treatment of illegal immigrants arriving at the Texas border.

Last July, Mr Abbott directed deployment of a floating barricade of buoys wrapped in razor wire in the Rio Grande River to deter migrants from crossing. Since then, he deployed the Texas national guard to help secure the border, and last Friday his guardsmen physically prevented US Border Patrol personnel from assisting a woman and her two children, who drowned trying to cross the Rio Grande. He has also continued his practice of sending busloads of migrants to northern cities where they arrive completely unprepared for the brutal arctic temperatures. Illinois Governor J. B. Pritzker asked Mr Abbot to 

“... while winter is threatening vulnerable people’s lives, suspend your transports and do not send more people to our state. Your callousness, sending buses and planes full of migrants in this weather, is now life-threatening to every one of the arrivals. Hundreds of children’s and families’ health and survival are at risk due to your actions.”

Rather than taking this action to save the lives of vulnerable migrants, Mr Abbot has continued to ship large numbers of people to northern cities now in the grip of frigid winter temperatures, and has blamed all attendant deaths and other problems on President Biden for not securing the border - which Congress has for years, under both parties, failed to take appropriate legislative action to do.

Make no mistake: there is, indeed, a migrant crisis at the southern border, and the border states have so far borne the brunt of dealing with it. However, simply loading people on buses and dropping them off unannounced at random cities in the dead of winter is not the answer. While it is easy to blame the President for the crisis, the simple fact is that Congress has for years ... indeed, for decades, refused for reasons of political expediency to update our immigration and asylum laws in ways that would help mitigate the crisis**. No one's hands are clean, but the shamelessly inhumane actions of Mr Abbott and his supporters has exacerbated the crisis and placed thousands of lives in danger.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the first Ass Clown Special Award for 2024 is presented to Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a man who - quite literally - has blood on his hands.

Have a good day. Encourage your senators and your representative to stop acting like petulant children and fix the immigration laws. 

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* September 2021 Right-Cheek (joint award shared with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis); December 2022 On-Crack; and 2022 Ass Clown of the Year.

** You may recall that I have actually proposed what I believe is a workable plan. I've published it here many times over the years, most recently in May of last year, and I have sent copies of it to every President since George W. Bush and all of my senators and representatives during that time. If a cranky old retired guy can come up with a plan, why can't Congress?

Poetry Sunday

As I mentioned earlier this week, I've been going back through all my old blog posts and trying to compile a searchable spreadsheet to let me more easily find posts I can revise or revisit. I'm back to 2015 now, and I found this Poetry Sunday offering from November 22nd of that year - a treat for my grammatically inclined friends from an author one doesn't normally associate with poetry ...

Lines to a Lady With an Unsplit Infinitive

by Raymond Chandler

Miss Margaret Mutch she raised her crutch

With a wild Bostonian cry.

“Though you went to Yale, your grammar is frail,”

She snarled as she jabbed his eye.

“Though you went to Princeton I never winced on

Such a horrible relative clause!

Though you went to Harvard no decent larva’d

Accept your syntactical flaws.

Taught not to drool at a Public School

(With a capital P and S)

You are drooling still with your shall and will

You’re a very disgusting mess!”

She jabbed his eye with a savage cry.

She laughed at his anguished shrieks.

O'er the Common he fled with a hole in his head.

To heal it took Weeks and Weeks.

“O dear Miss Mutch, don’t raise your crutch

To splinter my new glass eye!

There ain’t no school that can teach a fool

The whom of the me and the I.

There ain’t no grammar that equals a hammer

To nail down a cut-rate wit.

And the verb ‘to be’ as employed by me

Is often and lightly split.

A lot of my style (so-called) is vile

For I learned to write in a bar.

The marriage of thought to words was wrought

With many a strong sidecar.

A lot of my stuff is extremely rough,

For I had no maiden aunts.

O dear Miss Mutch, leave go your clutch

On Noah Webster’s pants!

The grammarian will, when the poet lies still,

Instruct him in how to sing.

The rules are clean: they are right, I ween,

But where do they make the thing?

In the waxy gloam of a Funeral Home

Where the gray morticians bow?

Is it written best on a palimpsest,

Or carved on a whaleboat’s prow?

Is it neatly joined with needlepoint

To the chair that was Grandma’s pride?

Or smeared in blood on the shattered wood

Where the angry rebel died?

O dear Miss Mutch, put down your crutch,

and leave us to crack a bottle.

A guy like I weren’t meant to die

On the grave of Aristotle.

O leave us dance on the dead romance

Of the small but clear footnote.

The infinitive with my fresh-honed shiv

I will split from heel to throat.

Roll on, roll on, thou semicolon,

ye commas crisp and brown.

The apostrophe will stretch like toffee

When we nail the full stop down.

Oh, hand in hand with the ampersand

We’ll tread a measure brisk.

We’ll stroll all night by the delicate light

Of a well placed asterisk.

As gay as a lark in the fragrant dark

We’ll hoist and down the tipple.

With laughter light we’ll greet the plight

Of a hanging participle!”

She stared him down with an icy frown.

His accidence she shivered.

His face was white with sudden fright,

And his syntax lily-livered.

“O dear Miss Mutch, leave down your crutch!”

He cried in thoughtless terror.

Short shrift she gave. Above his grave:

HERE LIES A PRINTER’S ERROR.

Miss Mutch lives on in my eagle-eyed old friend Gonzo Dave, proofreader extraordinaire, and in generations of teachers who try hard to get generations of students to write proper English.

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Is it too late to get our deposit back on this year? 

Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie ended his flagging presidential campaign with a powerful speech that included a stinging denunciation of Der Furor ... years too late; President Biden's son, Hunter, has pleaded not guilty to tax offenses in a California federal court; the Middle East conflict threatened to spread as US and British forces attacked sites in Yemen from which attacks on Red Sea shipping had been launched; in a desperate race for the bottom and for second place in the GOP presidential sweepstakes, Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis debated ahead of the Iowa caucuses; and in Lincoln, Nebraska, a man wearing a hoodie, mask, and shower curtain robbed a liquor store ... the shower curtain has been recovered by the local police. 

This week, I'll just fall back on my old too-lazy-to-do-the-research-this-week dodge and give you a random selection of cartoons that have caught my eye in the last few weeks, plus a few from the larger collection ... 

Since using the right pronouns is now a "thing," I wonder how far we need to take it ...

People come up with all sorts of dodges to help with their medical insurance costs ...

The Michelin Man gets the bad news ...

If Alexander Graham Bell only knew ...

Now that's an interesting pop-up book ...

Gawd-awful pun of the week ...

I've always suspected that was how it worked ...

This one is from back in 2017, but it's more applicable now than ever ...

Sleeping Beauty, updated ...

It looks like the ultra-conservatives have had the same problem for a long time ...

And that's it for this week; hope the cartoons helped to give you a break from the all-Der-Furor-all-the-time news overload. 

Have a good day and a great weekend ... see you back here tomorrow for Poetry Sunday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo