The Philosophy of Elvis Presley

In yesterday's post, I shared with you the opportunity to make a bid on a tomb once occupied by Elvis Presley. Later, it occurred to me that there are probably a lot of younger readers who may not know who Elvis Presley actually was ... a sign of how much the world has changed since The King shuffled off his mortal coil back in 1977. But soldiering on with the topic of Elvis Presley, I thought I'd share with you this compilation I found on Miss Cellania's blog the other day ... a compilation of comments on life and related topics, drawn from the songs of The King.

Taken as a whole, they contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis offers cheap accommodations), to religious instruction* ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve"). Here is a collection of things you can learn about life from listening to Elvis Presley songs:

General Issues ...

- Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage.

- If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery."

- The US postal service is so efficient that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting ...

Travel ...

- The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black ...

- There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.

Relationships ...

- If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.

- Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.

- If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?

- A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.

Zoology ...

- There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.

- A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.

- The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.

- A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit.

Geography and Meteorology ...

- People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.

- In the state of Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby ...

Medical Tips ...

- The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.

- A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.

- The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.

If you have any questions about the above, why not call Elvis and ask? Just call (619) 239-KING ...

Have a good day. Hail to The King!

More thoughts tomorrow ...

Bilbo

* Of particular importance to ultraconservative Republicans in an election year.

Odds and Ends

Just a few strange things I've run across in the last few days ...

What sort of gift do you get for the person who has everything? How about a slightly-used tomb? According to this article, if you are the highest bidder at an auction that begins on June 23^rd you can own the granite and marble crypt once occupied by Elvis Presley and his mother before their relocation to a better resting place at Graceland.

If yours is the winning bid you will receive the crypt, opening and closing of the vault for burial, a memorialization inscription and use of a chapel for the interment service; however, transportation and funeral home charges are not included. The auction website is here, in case you're interested.

A woman in New Jersey has filed a gender and religious discrimination complaint against her former employer, claiming that she was fired from her job at a New York lingerie warehouse because she was "too busty and dressed too provocatively for the workplace."

According to her complaint, her employers - who are Orthodox Jews - told her that her outfits were "too hot" for the workplace. For my part, I'm wondering about two things: (1) what constitutes an outfit that's "too hot" for a lingerie warehouse?; and (2) what are Orthodox Jews - who tend to believe women should dress with great modesty - doing selling lingerie?

Speaking of religious beliefs, the pastor of a West Virginia serpent-handling sect that cherry-picked its odd beliefs from the Bible (Mark 16:17-18) has died ... after being bitten by a rattlesnake.

Glad that belief worked out for you.

Donald Trump. 'Nuff said.

Yes, it's a strange, strange world. And we still have the presidential election to look forward to.

Oy.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Memorial Day Weekend Reunion, 2012

One of the things I very strongly believe is that it's important for my grandchildren to grow up knowing that they're part of a larger, loving family. Over the years, we've managed to start a tradition of getting as much of the family together as we can twice a year: at Memorial Day and at Thanksgiving. This past weekend, our son Jason and his family came from Dayton, Agnes and I drove with our daughter Yasmin and her girls from here in Virginia, and we descended on my sister Lisa's home in Pittsburgh for this year's Memorial Day mini-reunion. And - naturally - we have pictures to prove it ...

On Saturday, we drove over to the home where Great Grandpa (my father) lives to have a picnic on the grounds. The good news is that the home has a nice grassy area for picnics and games ... the bad news is that we had to keep moving to keep in the little strip of shade at the edge of the woods ...

My brother Paul is a paramedic and, because of his shift work he isn't always able to come to our get-togethers. He and his wife Brenda made it this year, happily enough ... here, he and my granddaughter Leya get into a major stare-down (she won) ...

We hadn't seen our niece - Paul's daughter Brianne - since 2004. She managed to make it to the picnic on Saturday, and it was wonderful to see her again ...

On Sunday, we reconvened at Lisa's house, and her son Eddie played his usual major role in delighting all his little cousins. It was a very hot day, and Jason had bought a fancy multiple-hose water sprinkler to keep the children cool and happy. Here, Cousin Eddie leads Joe, Marcy, Elena, and Leya on a charge through the sprinklers ...

When just running through the sprinklers got old, Eddie dragged out some tarps to lay on the hillside in combination with the sprinklers as a poor-man's water slide ... here, Joe and Noah try it out. They later discovered that you could slide down faster when the slide was lubricated with dishwashing liquid, leaving them all not only well cooled-off, but sparkly clean and without spots ...

And when the water slide got old, the kids moved on to the play tower, where devious Cousin Eddie demonstrated the summer uses of a hose and a five-gallon bucket. First, you fill the bucket while everyone else crowds together on the lower level ...

Then everyone gets ready ... in this case, Leya, Elena, and Marcy ...

And when the bucket is full ...

When everyone needed to dry out, Eddie led the children in a project to make a marker for Great Grandpa's little garden plot at the home. Here, Marcy, Noah, and Leya work busily under Eddie's supervision on arranging colored stones and markers in the wet cement ...

And this was the end result. The final marker included thumbprints from the grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and one button (on the left side) - in honor of the button sculptures Great Grandpa is famous for making for all occasions ...

I absolutely wanted a new group photo of Agnes and I with all the grandchildren. Jason and his family will be moving to Germany at the end of the month, and it will be a few years before we're able to have them with us again for one of our Memorial Day or Thanksgiving get-togethers. Left to right are Joe (9), Noah (6), Elise (2), Marcy (12), and Leya (4).

And Lisa and I had to have a picture of ourselves with Dad, aka Great Grandpa - the man without whom all of this would truly never have been possible ...

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend ... very hot, but that's what beer and ice water and watermelon and all the great summer treats are for. Cousin Eddie demonstrated yet again why all the younger children worship him, Great Grandpa got a chance to see (and hear!) the teeming crowd of children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and a grand time was had by all.

I can only hope your weekends were half as much fun.

But now, of course, it's a new week and time to get back to work. Sigh.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday Friday

Because Agnes and I will be headed to Pittsburgh this afternoon for our annual Memorial Day family get-together, and I'll be a bit busy for the next few days, we'll celebrate this week's Cartoon Saturday on Friday the 13th (right, Mike?). Here we go ...

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating why a door fell off a private jet as it flew over a Florida golf course; a man has been arrested for the murder of a six year-old New York boy who disappeared 33 years ago; tropical storm Bud has strengthened into a major hurricane and is headed for southwestern Mexico; the Iranian navy claims to have rescued an American cargo ship from seizure by Somali pirates; and football star Donald Driver edged out classical singer Katherine Jenkins to win the 14^th season of Dancing with the Stars.

On with the cartoons ...

How about a "good" pun to start ...

The economy may be getting better, but not for everybody ...

You need to be specific with your directions ...

Yes, things can always get worse ...

Well, that's one way to measure progress ...

Congressional firing squad ...

Last week, we had two more symbol-based cartoons; this classic turned up during the past week ...

It pays to read the fine print in any medical care reform legislation proposed by the GOP ...

This one is pretty obvious, so I'm surprised I hadn't seen it - or some variation of it - before ...

And we finish up this week with a look into the future of television ... at least until November ...

And that's it for this week's anticipatory Cartoon Saturday. Because Agnes and I will be on the road and things will be pretty busy for the next few days, my next post will probably not appear until next Tuesday morning. I'll try to post updates on Facebook through the weekend, for those of you who are my friends over there ... the rest of you, check back again on Tuesday for a report on the weekend and the continuation of my daily rants on the topics du jour.

Have a good day and a great holiday weekend. Be safe and have fun. Don't drink and drive. Use plenty of sunblock. See you back here on Tuesday.

Bilbo

The Return of Great Moments in Editing, Again

It's been a while since we've honored reviewed some of the more egregious transgressions of editorial standards, so let's get to it, shall we?

Oops ...

I've heard this sells well in some parts of Appalachia, and to various fringe religious sects ...

Well, hell, now that I'm actually a senior, this happens ...

Well, it was ...

I hope they don't schedule the next meeting during the switch back to Standard Time, which would really complicate things ...

This one's for Heidi ...

I wonder if he has anything by the French heavy metal group, Le Dzeppelin ...

I'm sure this will help a great deal ...

Sometimes, it just gets too hard to get a quorum for your meeting ...

And finally, I do not believe this is a problem for the hard-core partisans of the far right ...

If you find an example of Great Moments in Editing, scan it and mail it to ol' Bilbo ... your contributions are always welcome.

Schedule update: this week's Cartoon Saturday will appear tomorrow rather than on Saturday, as we'll be in Pittsburgh for our annual Memorial Day Weekend mini-reunion. Somebody needs to explain it to Mike, as he'll probably be concerned about Cartoon Saturday appearing on Friday the 13th.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Of Dental Calculus and a Dumber Congress

By now, you have certainly all seen the controversial story that documents what we've all long suspected - that Congress is getting not only more partisan, but dumber. Here's the article from the Washington Post, although you may well have seen it other places (such as Kathy's blog) as well. The upshot of the story is that experts have documented a decline in Congressional smarts by determining that Congress on average speaks at a level an entire grade level lower than it did seven years ago: your average member of Congress today speaks at a 10.6 grade level, down from 11.5 in 2005. The average American, in contrast, speaks between the 8th and 9th grade level, which indicates that Congress is still  (at least theoretically, and by one measure) smarter than we are.

I do not find this comforting.

According to the Post story, examples of the grade level of various important documents and speeches include the Constitution at a 17.8 grade level; the Declaration of Independence at 15.1; Lincoln's Gettysburg Address at 11.2; and Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech at 9.4. President Obama's State of the Union speeches (read this year's speech here) come in at around an 8th grade level.

Is Congress getting dumber because they need to come down to our level, or are they just getting dumber because of a focus on rigid doctrine rather than serious thought? Neither option is very appealing.

In a related development, you may have seen this article on CNN: Why Your Dental Plaque is Valuable.

Yes, Dear Readers, apparently when you floss your teeth, you rob future scientists of valuable information about your diet and general health because fossilized dental calculus (or plaque, or - to use the proper medical term - tooth gunk) can provide scientists with data which may help to identify and defeat diseases and reconstruct our dietary and health history.

This is interesting, of course, although I'm sure that Laura, my long-suffering dental hygienist*, is ready to lead a mob of dental professionals waving pitchforks, torches, and dental picks against the authors of the plaque study. But how does it relate to the dumbing-down of Congress? Consider the last line of the story:

"Your mouth is full of valuable information."

In the case of our current stable of Congressional ass clowns, I'm not so sure.

Have a good day. Speak well and floss often ... it doesn't matter what grade level you speak at if your breath will knock a buzzard off a garbage scow.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Laura's imaginative ways to get me to floss included an appeal to my love of dancing: she told me that if I didn't floss regularly, the buildup of plaque on my teeth would affect my balance and, thus, my ability to dance properly. I give her an "A" for effort.

Driving in the National Capital Region

If you live in the grandly-nicknamed National Capital Region (also known as the "NCR" - DC and its environs, which now extend about to Raleigh, NC, if you're looking for affordable housing), one of the things you get used to is ass clowns who appear to have earned their driver's licenses by inserting nickels into the claw machine at the local arcade until they successfully grabbed one. We even have signs warning about the dangers of "aggressive driving" of the sort practiced by those who graduated from the Heinz Guderian Driving School.

Here are a few of the rules of the road practiced around the NCR ...

1. Drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It must be very large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. These may be mounted on a large bar above the truck's cab, or underneath the front grill for more efficient blinding of people in cars with low ground clearance.

1a. If your truck doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from the largest military transport vehicle you can find (tires must be at least 6' in diameter and have a minimum 18-inch footprint); raise the suspension to allow clearance over ordinary cars.

2. Practice your best scowl. Remember, that this is the only expression you are permitted to show once you're behind the wheel. See also rule #5, below.

3. Weather conditions should always be taken into account when you drive in the NCR.

3a. Under no circumstances should you use windshield wipers - like turn signals, these are optional, and are used for appearance only.

3b. At the first sprinkle of rain or flake of snow, immediately cut your speed by two-thirds; three-fourths is better. Putting on your four-way flashers is optional.

3c. If snow blankets your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you; however, this must be done from inside your vehicle! If you can't reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster full blast until you can just see the road.

4. Do not be intimidated by darkness. Headlights should never be used until it's pitch dark, and then only so that you can see the police. Of course, if you have those blinding yellow fog lights (see #1 above), you may use them at any time and in any weather conditions.

5. Be prepared to yell obscenities at and/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path.

6. A "yield" sign or flashing yellow light has no meaning. In the NCR, the "stop" sign is the indication to yield, but only if absolutely necessary. You are never required to come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.

6a. At an uncontrolled intersection, the right of way for passage goes first to the largest vehicle, and then to the oldest and most decrepit vehicle.

6b. A black SUV with heavily tinted windows and a motorcycle escort has the right-of-way at all intersections.

7. Driving on the shoulder during periods of heavy traffic (in general, between 5AM and 7 PM) is strongly encouraged.

8. High-speed passing on winding, narrow roads is a mark of the expert driver.

9. Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances or fire trucks. Less experienced drivers will move out of the way so they can get through. If you were driving properly, they would never have caught up with you in the first place.

9a.  You can gain speed and time by drafting behind emergency vehicles.

10. A fully-experienced NCR driver must master the art of tailgating. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention! Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the driver in front of you.

11. The expert NCR driver has also mastered the basic and advanced techniques of cutting off other drivers. This must be done with great care when cutting off other expert NCR drivers. The best sign that you have properly cut off another driver is that the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hits the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt. Rule #5 applies for both the cutter and the cuttee.

12. Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off gaps in traffic. When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or accelerating from behind in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will not be there when that vehicle gets to it. This requires you to anticipate the other driver's intention while carefully adjusting your speed to intercept him or her at just the right moment to prevent a successful merge.

13. Go ahead and use your cell phone while driving. Even better, send all the text messages you want. Local laws prohibit both, but the law doesn't apply to you.

I hope this helps in planning your pleasant drive through the National Capital Region. You may want to put Dial-a-Prayer on your speed dial, too.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming up.

Bilbo

Prescription

Just one small thing for today, because Blogger has been giving me fits with the formatting of my original post, which I hope to be able to put up tomorrow. I'm ordering enough of this wonderful product for each Member of Congress, because it's said to cure "lost manhood" and "insanity," but it's probably too late ...

Have a good day. A shot of Sanativo will help. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Someone Celebrates a Birthday

Yesterday we celebrated the anniversary of Agnes's 25th birthday. The weather was beautiful, the company excellent, the dinner great, and a good time was had by all. Here are the pictures ...

You have to start, of course, with champagne out on the deck under the trees...

This is used by the happy husband (that would be me) to toast his lovely wife, the lady of the hour ...

Our friend Nadja joined us to help celebrate ...

Dinner was grilled steaks dredged in chopped herbs mixed with olive oil, parsley-tossed multi-colored little potatoes (I'd never seen a purple potato before, but they're quite tasty), asparagus with shallots, and a nice Merlot ...

Nadja made the dessert - I thought the smiling raspberry heart was a nice touch ... as did Agnes ...

It was a very nice day, and we all had a great time. It's good we had such a nice dinner and a chance to relax, because today we visit the local grandchildren, and will need all the stored energy we can muster.

I hope you are having a good weekend as well, because you never know how the coming week is going to be, particularly in an election year.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Ah, what a week it's been ...

In Tennessee*, an ass clown with a minimum wage job who has fathered 30 children with 11 women has asked the court to give him relief from paying child support (one of his clueless hens already gets the staggering sum of $1.49/month); a woman in Georgia is slowly losing parts of her body to rare, flesh-eating bacteria; an unnamed buyer has laid out the highest price ever paid for a New York apartment - more than $90 million for a penthouse in midtown Manhattan; more details are emerging about what actually transpired the night Trayvon Martin was shot by neighborhood security vigilante George Zimmerman; and in Thailand, a British citizen has been arrested after six roasted fetuses covered with gold, intended for use in black magic rituals; were found in a Bangkok hotel room.

We'd better open up a big can of Cartoon Saturday right away, because I think you're going to need it.

We lead off with the semi-traditional terrible pun cartoons ...

And ...

An object lesson in reading the fine print ...

Three cartoons which highlight the down side of modern technologies ...

And ...

 And ...

Nowadays we tend to go to great lengths to ensure that no one has to put up with a "hostile work environment" ...

What happens when budgets are ruthlessly cut in the wrong places ...

And finally for this week, I found two more great cartoons based on symbols. The first one is not quite as funny at my age, but heck ...

And what do Greek shepherds eat? ...

It looks like it's going to be a beautiful weekend, weather-wise ... which is good, because today is Agnes's 25^th birthday**, and it's nice to have some decent weather to help celebrate. A fine dinner is planned.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* This one's for you, Heidi.


** Again.