Cartoon Saturday

It's Saturday again. Finally.

The US Defense Intelligence Agency, in a report made public this week, assesses with "moderate confidence" that North Korea has nuclear weapons it can deliver by ballistic missiles, but with low reliability; in Tom's River, New Jersey, a six year-old boy was shot and killed by his four year-old playmate (the NRA reminds you that it wasn't the gun that killed him, it was the four year-old child);   in Israel, a group of women was arrested for attempting to pray at the Wailing Wall - something only men are allowed to do, go figure; at least three people were killed when a series of powerful storms roared through the Midwest and South; and a suspect is in custody after he shot and injured two women at a Virginia college campus.

And so goes another week that just cries out for a big dose of Cartoon Saturday.

For this week's selection of theme cartoons, we highlight those wonderful people everyone loves to hate: lawyers. Many lawyers specialize ...

And many firms, worried about the high cost of legal representation, do what they can to hold down the expense ...

Did you ever wonder where the legal profession got its start ...?

This was one super hero we could probably have done without ...

But in all fairness, there are some lawyers who aspire to be gentlemen ...

Moving on to other cartoons, it's always difficult to name your baby ... but it's getting a lot harder in the overly connected digital age ...

This one is just too obvious, and too funny ...

As is this one ...

I thought this was a cute idea ... even though the "conductor" is actually dressed as an engineer ...

And finally for this week, a cartoon for those of you who can relate to the trials of the parent who buys an expensive toy, only to have the child ignore the toy and play with the box. I thought this was a very clever twist on that old stereotype ...

And that's it for this week's edition of Cartoon Saturday. It's shaping up to be a beautiful weekend weather-wise here in NoVa - a good time to get my lawn mowed, patch some of the less-grassy areas, and generally try to get some curb appeal for the old homestead. It may also be a good time to sit out on the deck with a gin and tonic and read my latest book. I think I vote for number two.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Our First Ass Clown of the Month for 2013!

I must apologize to you, Dear Readers, as I have been derelict in my duty to nominate Ass Clowns of the Month over the last quarter. It hasn't been for lack of well-qualified candidates, it's just that I've been stymied by my inability to select a single individual to receive the prestigious award.

But no longer! You've waited long enough - the time has come to announce our first Ass Clown of the Month for 2013!

From the vast, teeming swamp of strong competition rises not only our first Ass Clown of the Month for this year, but our first second-time winner*:

Senator Mitch McConnell (R, Kentucky)

Senator McConnell's previous award was based on his ringing defense of the need to protect big campaign donors from the terrifying requirement to - gasp! - be publicly named, because such exposure would infringe on their Constitutional right to free speech and expose them to deadly danger from those on the political left.

The horror!

This month's award recognizes Senator McConnell's approach to maintaining his Senate seat not through the brilliance of his ideas and his solomonic wisdom, but through his ruthless, take-no-prisoners use of opposition research ... which is a gussied-up, politically correct term for what we once called ad hominem attacks. 

Now, it is certainly true that Senator McConnell is not the only bottom-dwelling politician of either party to rely on personal attacks on his opponents rather than sober discussion of the issues, but he's the most recent one to have it publicly exposed. You have probably seen some discussion in the news about the Senator's outrage over the tape of his campaign staff meeting's discussion of how to smear a potential opposition candidate - actress Ashley Judd.

So horrified is Senator McConnell about the exposure of his campaign's shameless use of opposition research that he has requested the FBI look into who "bugged" his campaign headquarters, exposing his likening of this phase of the upcoming reelection campaign, in which potential opponents are attacked, to a game of "Whack-a-Mole."

Would Ms Judd be a credible candidate to challenge Mr McConnell, and could she be an effective senator? There is certainly a precedent for celebrities to develop into towering political figures - consider the careers of Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono, and Ilona Staller.

But I guess we'll never know how effective Ms Judd might have been, at least not any time soon, thanks largely to the opposition research conducted by our Ass Clown of the Month - Senator Mitch McConnell.

Congratulations, Senator, on your second - well-deserved - award!

Have a good day. Come back the day after tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* He was our Ass Clown of the Month for June of 2012. Read about it here.

A Permanent Reminder of a Temporary Feeling

There are a great many things I don't understand, such as color television, Republican economic policies, the mind of Kim Jong-un, and the appeal of the Kardashians. Another is the desire on the part of many otherwise intelligent people to get tattoos.

There are very few tattoos, especially on women, that I find attractive, especially when - after a few years - the colors have faded and the skin has sagged so that what might once have been a work of "art" is now a fadded, blurred smear on the canvas of the body. Most tattoos are, in my humble opinion, hideous, and do nothing to enhance the beauty of a lady or the handsome appearance of a gentleman. On his album Beach House on the Moon, Jimmy Buffett sings a song about tattoos called "A Permanent Reminder of a Temporary Feeling," which pretty much sums it all up.

I thought about the subject of tattoos yesterday when I ran across this article on CNN: "Suffering from 'Tattoo Regret'." The article was written by plastic surgeon Dr Anthony Youn, who has a great deal of experience in removing tattoos from men who finally realized that they really didn't love Annabelle forever, or women who came to understand that the lengthy quotation they had inked on their arm was less intellectual than visually tacky (and, often enough, misspelled*). Dr Youn tells the story of a lady who, when she was a free-spirited young thing in her 20's, got a tattoo on her lower abdomen that she came to regret many years later when she became a grandmother and needed to set a positive example for her grandchildren. ... the tattoo read, "Dinner is served."

A tattoo is one of those things that probably seems like a great idea when one is drunk or stoned, but isn't quite so appealing in the bright light of day. If you need a tattoo, try this one ...

not this one ...

Ladies, please think twice before you get that tacky tattoo**. Invest in some nice clothes instead. You'll thank me later.

Have a good day. More thoughts later.

Bilbo

* In a hilarious skit on the old Smothers Brothers TV show, comic Pat Paulsen was horrified to learn that the huge new tattoo across his chest read "Born too Loose" rather than "Born to Lose."

** Consider what happened to Maud Adams in the 1981 movie Tattoo.

So, Why Not More Great Moments in Editing?

Since all the really good creative writers have been hired by North Korea to come up with new and unusual blood-chilling threats ("Throw all enemies into the caldron, break their waists and crack their windpipes!" is a true example) and draw overly simplistic editorial cartoons to appeal to the brainless dumbasses on each side of the gun control debate, we just have to make do with what's left. Fortunately, it provides us with unending fodder for our continuing compilation of Great Moments in Editing ...

This must be one of those Old Testament-Only churches ...

I have a great deal of experience changing diapers, and I'm not at all sure this ad would convince me to shop here ...

If you're looking to hire a good editorial layout person, I'd pass on Brad ...

I wonder if they're looking for a really longshoreman ...

I don't know what recipe I'd use it in, but the price is too high anyhow ...

I wonder how many applicants there were ...

This one is just beyond any other comment I could make ...

This one comes courtesy of my nephew Ed in Pittsburgh, who probably needs to go to better parties ...

I'm not sure if this is a math problem or a PowerPoint problem ...

And finally, just who is the idiot here? ...

Great moments in editing. Because we need something other than North Korean propaganda to laugh at.

Have a good day. More thoughts on Tuesday.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

What was that? I didn't hear you ... Kim Jong-un is making too much noise. As for the past week ...

As if you didn't have enough to worry about, scientists in Sri Lanka have discovered a new species of giant spider - the Goliath Bird-Eater, a member of the Tarantula family - said to be the second-largest species of spider on earth; North Korea continues its barrage of threats and bluster, now telling foreign ambassadors their safety cannot be guaranteed if war breaks out; President Obama, seeking to unite Republicans and Democrats in an attempt to get a budget passed, has succeeded in bringing the two sides together - neither side likes the budget he is prepared to propose; popular film critic Roger Ebert has passed away after a long struggle with cancer; and President Obama has apologized to California State Attorney General Kamala Harris for calling her "the best looking attorney general," a remark denounced by many (particularly Republicans, known for their sensitivity and purity of heart) as sexist and inappropriate. In a related story, the President sought to mend fences with House Speaker John Boehner by calling him "one hot hunk of legislator."

Yep, another week that needs a Cartoon Saturday to help us recover.

Penguins are a popular cartoon theme, and we lead off this week with a collection of cartoons devoted to those popular members of the family Spheniscidae ...

Penguins do now how to cooperate to get the job done ...

If Roger Ebert had been a penguin, how might things have been different? ...

Penguins are good at some things, bad at others ...

Being a penguin means being very careful with your pronunciation ...

And to round out the penguin collection for this week, an interesting observation ...

This one goes out to Kathy, Melissa, and all my other long-suffering teacher friends ...

Communications technology, 20,000 BC ...

From the ghastly pun department ...

Bilbo goes to the gym ...

Finally for this week, there's rounding up the herd, and there's rounding up the herd ...

And there we have another week of Cartoon Saturday. It looks like it's going to be a wonderful weekend weather-wise (how 'bout that alliteration, eh?) here in Northern Virginia, and our temperatures are predicted to zoom into the mid- to upper 70's by midweek under clear skies. Of course, the way our weather has been for the last month or two, this probably means we'll have six inches of snow by Friday, but at this point, I'll take what I can get.

Have a good day and a great weekend! More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Gates of Hell

Scientists are always looking for new and interesting things, but sometimes along the way, they discover old and interesting things ... like the Gates of Hell.

Yes, Dear Readers, according to this article, scientists excavating the site of Hierapolis in Turkey have discovered the location once known as Pluto's Gate: Plutonium - the very gates of hell. It's a cave that exudes poisonous vapors, as documented thousands of years ago when Greek historian Strabo wrote that:

“This space is full of a vapor so misty and dense that one can scarcely see the ground. Any animal that passes inside meets instant death. I threw in sparrows and they immediately breathed their last and fell.”

I've been in men's locker rooms that were like that.

Although the scientists believe that this site is the actual location of the fabled Gates of Hell, there are other sites which lay claim to this honor. One of them, according to the article, is a fiery pit in the depths of the Karakum Desert. Another is the Biblical valley of Gehenna. And yet another is Detroit, as immortalized in the classic film Kentucky Fried Movie ...

And Pyongyang is probably up there on the list, too, but Kim Jong-Un will be getting around to threatening it with nuclear destruction before too long, so we'll pass on it.

Just a little note on places you may wish to avoid when planning your next vacation.

Have a good day. See you back here for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Looking for Love in All the Cheap Places

Valentine's Day has come and gone, and June weddings are a few months off, but the search for love continues unabated. In China, for instance, from where this article from the Atlantic Monthly caught my attention yesterday: China's Lonely Seeking a Spouse - at Discount Rates.

It seems that, the economy being what it is everywhere, many Chinese men are looking for "budget wives" (jingji shiyong nu)*. According to the requirements for a budget wife published anonymously on a Chinese blogging site, she should:

* Be between 5'2" and 5'8";
* Weigh between 100 and 120 pounds;
* Have long hair that trails over shoulders;
* Be warm and mild in personality;
* Have B- to C-cup size breasts;
* Not be a "gold digger" (baijinnu);
* Not be a flirt;
* Be a little horny;
* Earn about $500 - $1000 per month;
* Have a BA or above;
* Know how to cook and wash clothes;
* Be responsible and sympathetic;
* Speak appropriately; and,
* Be educated and reasonable

Before you get too upset, ladies, there's also an equivalent concept of the "budget husband" (jingji shiyong nan), the qualities for whom include the following (along with my assessment of how I fit the bill):

* Between 5'8" and 5'11" (I'm 5'10", so we're good so far);
* Weighs between 145-190 pounds (Oops ...);
* Normal haircut and appearance (It depends on your definition of normal, but I think I'm okay);
* Warm and mild personality (For the most part, as long as I'm not spun up about politics or religion);
* Does not smoke, drinks little, doesn't love frequenting bars (Good on all counts);
* Has a BA or above (Yep);
* Earns $500 - $1,600 per month (Yep);
* Knows how to cook (Yep. Baking, not so much);
* Has filial piety and refined manners (Filial piety, yes; refined manners ... well ... most of the time); and,
* Is patient, loving, keen to advance forward, modest, earnest, magnanimous, absolutely devoted and loyal, and ready to shoulder responsibility (I think I'm okay on all these, but I think what they're really looking for is a nice dog).

On the whole, I'd like to think I'm a pretty good buy.

As you might suspect, the lists generated a large number of comments ranging from indignant to tongue in cheek. Many women found the list to be superficial, unrealistic and unattainable, describing standards for "goddesses" rather than for real, everyday women. Many men, oddly enough, defended the qualities of the budget wife as reasonable and realistic.

So, Dear Readers, what do you think? Given budget cuts, sequestration, increasing taxes, and all the other pressures of the new economy, what are the qualities of your ideal budget wife or budget husband? Are the qualities on the Chinese lists are practical and reasonable?** Are such lists useful as a guide to finding the right spouse?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Have a good day, even if it's on a budget. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* According to the article, the term "budget wife" derives from the concept of the "budget husband," which in turn originates from the term "budget housing" (jingji shiyong fang), government-subsidized low-income public housing.
** I'll give you a pass on the "cup size" part of the ladies' list ... I have a feeling I know which part of my readership will buy into that one.

A Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Capsaicin

I enjoy spicy food. But I think there's a practical limit to how spicy the food should be. There's a difference between the amount of heat that gives an edge to the flavors of a dish, and an amount of heat that peels the top four layers off your tongue, makes your lips fall off, and turns your urine into napalm.

I thought about this today for two reasons.

First was that we enjoyed a wonderful dinner last night - in honor of our daughter's birthday - at a local Indian restaurant. The food was excellent, but the dishes the helpful waiter described as mild ... mostly weren't. Our son in law ordered a chicken dish that had him gasping and sweating at the table*, and poor Agnes (who doesn't do spicy at all) had a tough time finding something suitable. Much of it, I think, almost seemed to represent heat for the sake of heat, rather than heat for the sake of flavor.

That high-energy dinner came just a day after I read this fascinating article in the Wall Street Journal: The Arms Race to Grow World's Hottest Pepper Goes Nuclear.

It seems that there are people out there who have dedicated their lives to growing the world's most insanely, devilishly hot pepper - engaging in a search for gustatory armageddon, as it were.

For those of you who may not spend much time thinking about hot peppers, here's a quick synopsis of the science: the chemical which causes a pepper to have have heat is called capsaicin (pronounced "cap-SAY-uh-sin") ... the greater the concentration of capsaicin in the pepper, the stronger and more intense the heat. The level of heat is measured in what are called scoville units or, simply scovilles, named for American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville who, in 1912, first devised a method of calculating the level of heat-inducing chemicals. His method was very imprecise, however, and has been generally replaced today by more accurate chemical analyses. You can read more about it here.

A jalapeno pepper, generally considered to be "hot," has a rating of between 3500 and 8000 scovilles.

By contrast, the current world champion hot pepper, the Trinidad Scorpion Butch T, is rated at 1.464 million scovilles ...

And that, Dear Readers, is one seriously hot pepper.

I have to ask myself, what's the point? Why would anyone want to grow a pepper so terrifyingly hot that eating it makes one roll around on the floor in agony, pleading desperately for milk or yogurt or a bullet between the eyes? What do you actually taste when you bite into a pepper that has been specially bred to cause eye-watering, mouth-searing, bowel-loosening agony?

If it's all the same to you, I'll just stick with my bottle of Tabasco or Cholula hot sauce and my sliced, pickled jalapenos. Life is too short to go through it with a smoking crater where my tongue used to be. Feel free to turn up the heat if you like ... just don't ask me to join you!

Have a good day. More thoughts on Tuesday.

Bilbo

* The asbestos plates and the welder's mask worn by the waiter should have been a giveaway.

Cartoon Saturday

Happy almost Easter ...

North Korea continues to spout ludicrously bellicose rhetoric, having threatened just about everyone but the new Pope with total nuclear destruction ... although that omission was probably just an oversight; four people are dead and over 60 missing after a high-rise building under construction collapsed in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania; 83 workers were buried alive in a two-mile wide landslide in Tibet; Republican senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska says that her views on gay marriage are "evolving" ... quite an admission, as hard-core Republicans generally don't believe in evolution of any sort; and in India, which has recently been rocked by a series of brutal rapes of young women, the Ford Motor Company is under fire for a series of ads which show women tied and gagged in the trunk of a car driven by smiling former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi.

And you thought things couldn't get much worse. Silly you. Let's bring on the cartoons to help us forget the lunacy for a while.

Some people can really fail a driver's license test with class ...

Maybe Mike can get these guys to sing a song in honor of bacon ... the wonderful meat, not the actor ...

You have to wonder sometimes what happened to the characters who didn't quite make it in literary history ...

In case you were wondering about where "alternative rock" fits into musical history ...

I remember the old joke in which someone asked "What do you think about Red China?", to which the answer was, "I think it would look fine on a white tablecloth!" Here's a cartoon variation on that old joke ...

And for this week's set of theme-oriented cartoons, how about a selection from my Mr Potato Head collection ...

You know things are getting bad when even the vegetables are thinking about filing lawsuits ...

In this case, he really can ... not that it's likely to do much good ...

Mr Potato Head is a guy who can really appreciate Facebook ...

He can lend new meaning to the most tired of cliches ...

And finally, he can be very literal ...

And that's the way it is for this edition of Cartoon Saturday. I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend, and that the children find all those eggs you hid around the house ... so you don't have to find them by nose in a few weeks.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Where Should Congress Do Its Work?

A proposal has been made for a "virtual Congress" in which Senators and Reprehensives would, essentially, telecommute from their home districts, coming together in person only for key votes and to berate hapless witnesses at useless hearings. Is this a good idea?

Whether good or not, it isn't a completely new idea. New Mexico Representative Steve Pearce first floated the idea of a virtual Congress in November 2010, arguing that a Congress operating from the local level is better for citizens, because it would put elected representatives closer to constituents and separate them from the teeming swarms of lobbyists and attorneys infesting the marbled halls of Washington. He also suggested that a Congress meeting virtually would save taxpayers money by minimizing travel costs, and would protect Congress as a group from terrorist threats by spreading its members across the country.

Some of the arguments are persuasive. The technology of relatively secure video communication is well-established and used in many businesses and branches of government to help keep down travel costs, and there's much to be said for keeping public servants close to those they serve and away from the temptations of the Big City. Members of Congress spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to Washington from their home districts, reducing the amount of time they're available to actually do the work of governing*.

On the other hand, having members of Congress spread across the country promotes insularity and prevents them from interacting directly with each other, building personal relationships and learning to see each other as real people rather than political caricatures. I believe it would also impede their ability to view problems and issues in a national, rather than a purely local context. But the worst problem, in my opinion, would come from House members spending most of their time in thoroughly-gerrymandered echo chambers, in which they hear only the opinions of those who are most likely to agree on a narrow set of views and values, without exposure to competing opinions.

What do you think? Should Members of Congress be allowed to telecommute from their home districts, assembling only when Constitutionally required or absolutely necessary? Can they do a better job operating locally, or should they maintain the current system of coming together in Washington to shout focus group-approved slogans past each other and participate in bogus committees three or four days a week? I vote no, but would like to know what everyone else thinks.

Because we've got to do something to get our government working again.

Have a good day. See you back here for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* Not that you'd notice from the amount and quality of governance actually performed.