The Final Ass Clown of the Month for 2014!

Well, Dear Readers, Christmas has come and gone and it's now time to heave a sigh of exasperation and knuckle down to those most American of post-Christmas activities: paying for the Christmas gifts, and getting ready to prepare our 2015 tax returns.

Oy.

It's also time to name our final bi-weekly Ass Clown awardee.

While voting for the 2014 Ass Clown of the Year is still going on (and is summarized below), we still have one last awardee to name for the current year. And therefore, it is my honor and privilege* to name 2014's final biweekly Ass Clown ...

Former Vice President Dick Cheney

Amid the furor that arose over the release of a Congressional report detailing the use of torture on terrorism suspects, Mr Cheney strongly defended the controversial program, saying that he has "no regrets" and "would do it again in a minute."

While many argue that the torture of individuals responsible for the despicable murder of innocents simply shows that they are reaping what they've sown, America has always stood for the rule of law and justice - even when it's hard, and even when such rules have been mocked and ignored by other nations and groups. By resorting to the terrible actions for which we have so often condemned other regimes, we have lowered ourselves to their level and have forfeited the moral high ground. Mr Cheney's defense of such actions is unworthy of a former Vice President ... and, indeed, of anyone who holds American values dear.

The final Ass Clown of the Month for 2014 is Mr Dick Cheney. He can reflect on the award the next time news reports show Americans being tortured by those who share his the-end-justifies-the-means values.

The balloting for Ass Clown of the Year continues in full swing, so keep up the voting for your favorite candidates! Here are the top five vote-getters on the leaderboard as of today:

ISIS/"The Islamic State" - 22 votes;
The Republican Congressional Leadership - 20 votes;
The Taliban - 14 votes;
Dick Cheney - 10 votes; and,
The Democratic Congressional Leadership - 9 votes.

If your preferred candidate is lagging in the voting, don't delay! Start voting now, and encourage your relatives, friends, and acquaintances (living or dead), co-workers, pets, imaginary childhood friends, and everyone else to vote. The time is now - let your voice be heard without fear of being drowned out by purchased votes! Vote by leaving comments on the blog or e-mailing your choices to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. Voting ends at midnight on New Year's Eve, and the annual winner will be announced in this blog on January 1st, 2015.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for our final Cartoon Saturday of 2014.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* And I use the term loosely.

The First Ass Clown of the Month Award for December, 2015

With a new month comes a new collection of potential Ass Clown of the Month awardees ...

The bar for this quasi-prestigious award has been set pretty high by previous awardees, but there's never a shortage of people looking to meet or exceed the standards. And so it is that the first Ass Clown of the Month award for December of 2014 is presented to

Elizabeth Lauten

Ms Lauten, communications director for Tennessee Representative Steve Fincher and a former communications staffer for the Republican National Committee, scolded President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia in a Facebook post for dressing like "they deserve a spot at a bar" and told them to "try showing a little class." Her post read in part,

"Dear Sasha and Malia: I get you're both in those awful teen years, but you're a part of the First Family, try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play ... Then again, your mother and father don't respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I'm guessing you're coming up a little short in the 'good role model' department."

After coming in for a firestorm of criticism for her crude slam at the President by way of insulting his daughters, Ms Lauten published the expected cringing apology, which said in part ...

"After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents, and re-reading my words online I can see more clearly just how hurtful my words were. Please know, those judgmental feelings truly have no place in my heart."

Too bad they had plenty of place in her brain. 

Dear Readers, Elizabeth Lauten - who, as it turns out, resigned her position on December 1st in the wake of her classless outburst - is our first Ass Clown of the Month for December, 2014. 

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for November, 2014

I'm of two minds about the propriety of designating an Ass Clown of the Month just one day after Thanksgiving. On the one hand, having so many ass clowns working so diligently to screw up the country and the world doesn't seem like something for which we should be thankful. But on the other hand, it makes life a lot easier for those of us who satirize the activities of those fools and buffoons.

And speaking of fools and buffoons, let us move on without delay to announce our second Ass Clown of the Month for November, 2014 ....

Senator Lindsay Graham
(Republican, South Carolina) 

On September 11, 2012, four Americans including the US Ambassador to Libya, Christopher Stevens, were murdered in an attack on the US diplomatic mission in Benghazi, Libya. Almost from the moment the fires died down, the tragic events of that day became a huge political weapon for Congressional Republicans as they accused President Obama of deliberately lying about the details of the attack, and of deliberately allowing the murder of American citizens. In spite of the fact that repeated investigations - including one just completed by the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence* - have uncovered absolutely no evidence to support the scurrilous accusations of deliberate and politically-motivated official malfeasance, Senator Graham has described the latest investigatory report as being "full of crap," and said it's "garbage" that the report does not find that any members of the Obama administration lied to cover up what happened in Benghazi. Graham said he is going to "do a hard review of" the findings of the report ... which would be, by my counting, the ninth investigation in search of politically useful facts that do not exist.

If you're interested enough, you can read the entire new report here and draw your own conclusions.

For his relentless political scab-picking and complete refusal to face the facts as established by a long series of studies, reviews, and investigations of the Benghazi tragedy, Senator Lindsey Graham is designated our Second Ass Clown of the Month for November, 2014.

And I'm betting he'll still be howling about the same topic a year from today.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Chaired by a Republican, no less - Representative Mike Rogers.

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for November, 2014

Ah, how quickly two weeks go by ... it's time once again to announce our biweekly Ass Clown of the Month* Award

There's never a shortage of worthy individual recipients, but this time I have chosen to present the award to

The Government of India

India is, as you probably know, a huge nation with a vast population and many problems. You may recall that public defecation in India is such an issue that they have instituted a "Poo2Loo" program to urge people to actually poop in toilets, and I noted last month in this space that the country had spent about $74 million to send a spacecraft to Mars** despite its other pressing problems. Brutal gang rapes of women in India are, sadly, a fairly common occurrence. But now - on top of all these things that make India such a paradise - comes word that 11 Indian women have died and more than 60 were hospitalized after participating in a government-run sterilization program intended to help curb the growth of the population***.

For its investment choices in the face of massive problems, the Government of India is awarded our Ass Clown of the Month for the two-week period that ends today. Too bad there's not a cash bonus that goes with the award ... they could spend it on something else useful, like another space probe.

Have a good day. Think about the investments we make here at home. India's are bad enough.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I know it's not really "Ass Clown of the Month" if the award is given biweekly, but "Ass Clown of the Every Other Week" is just too cumbersome.

** I've often complained about the decisions we make on how money is spent in this country, but at least we poop in toilets. Well, most of us. Most of the time.

*** Surprisingly enough, this is not yet one of the things for which the GOP has denounced Obamacare, but I'm sure they'll get around to it.

The Third Ass Clown of the Month Award for October, 2014

Today is not only Halloween, the day when we celebrate all things scary ... it's also the day to announce

Our Third Ass Clown of the Month Award for October!

And how appropriate is it that one of the scariest times of all - Election Day - is coming up in just a few days?

With that in mind, it seemed only logical to seek for our latest Ass Clown designee in the world of politics, and therefore it gives me great pleasure to announce that our final Ass Clown dishonoree for the month of October is an individual who is winning the award for the third time* ...

Speaker of the House John Boehner

Mr Boehner edged out many other worthy candidates for his third citation with this amazing comment he made earlier this week (you can watch it in context here):

"... does anybody think that Vladimir Putin would have gone into Crimea had George W. Bush been president of the United States? No! Even Putin is smart enough to know that Bush would have punched him in the nose in about 10 seconds!"

Mr Boehner seems to be suffering from GOP historical amnesia, having conveniently forgotten that, on Mr Bush's watch, Vladimir Putin invaded the independent nation of Georgia without having his nose punched.

For his blatant ignorance of history and straight-faced peddling of political fantasy utterly disconnected from reality, John Boehner is named our third Ass Clown of the Month for October, 2014.

Remember things like this next week when you go to the polls.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for a special election edition of Cartoon Saturday ... more thoughts then.

Bilbo

* You can review his earlier awards here and here, if you're so inclined.

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for October, 2014

It's a good thing there are three Fridays this month, because the amazingly well-qualified nominees for our quasi-prestigious award are stacking up fast.

At a time when our major political parties battle with each other to reach new depths of hypocrisy rather than working together to solve the nation's problems, this week's award-winner and her political supporters have achieved a level of straight-faced hypocrisy that makes even the most cynical of observers shake their heads in awe. The award for this period goes to:

Leslie Rutledge

Ms Rutledge, the Republican candidate for attorney general in Arkansas, has been discovered to have been registered to vote in multiple states in addition to Arkansas, and even voted by absentee ballot in Arkansas’ general election in November of 2008 – after she had registered to vote in Washington D.C. in July of the same year.

It's no wonder that the GOP is so hysterical about vote fraud ... after all, they seem to have practical experience with it.

For her marvelous display of political hypocrisy, Leslie Rutledge is named as our second Ass Clown for the month of October.

Have a good day. And you'd better have a photo ID ready if you expect to have it.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The First Ass Clown of the Month for October, 2014

The vagaries of the calendar have resulted in an October that will give us the opportunity to name not two, but three Ass Clowns of the Month. An embarrassment of riches, as it were. Luckily, there's no shortage of worthy candidates.

Our first Ass Clown for October is an easy choice ...

Alex Jones

Mr Jones recently weighed in on the combined dangers posed by the so-called Islamic State, America-hating liberals, and President Obama when he claimed that the U.S. government plans to unleash ISIS militants across America as part of a plot to “overthrow what’s left of Western civilization” and seize everyone's guns. According to Mr Jones, the so-called "Islamic State" (also known as ISIS, ISIL, and "those crazy, murderous bastards") secretly works for the US government, being in the pay of the dastardly CIA, and has as many as five thousand "sleepers" in the US, ready to rise up and seize control of the nation, murdering hundreds of children in Democratic strongholds to provide President Obama with an excuse to implement gun control.

Wow.

For his consistent striving to reach new heights of utter stupidity, political paranoia, and religious bigotry, Alex Jones is named as our first Ass Clown of the Month for October, 2014.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... after this, you know you need it.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for September, 2014

How quickly two weeks go by! It's time once again to crown our second Ass Clown of the Month for September, 2014 ...

It goes without saying that the choices are difficult to make, but this time the choice was no shot in the dark (if you'll pardon the expression). The award goes to

Oscar Pistorius

Mr Pistorius this month became the most famous person to get away with murder since O.J. Simpson, being convicted by a South African court of "culpable homicide" rather than murder after the killing of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp last year. Ms Steenkamp died after Mr Pistorius shot her ... four times, and with hollow-point expanding bullets, no less ... through the closed door of a small bathroom, claiming he thought she was an intruder.

For his skill in evading justice, Oscar Pistorius is named as our second Ass Clown of the Month for September, 2014.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The First Ass Clown of the Month Award for September, 2014

August is over, a new month is here, and it's time to name our first Ass Clown of the Month ...

The selection is always difficult, but - as always - someone must be chosen. And so it is that we turn from the worlds of politics, religion, and business to the world of entertainment and name as our first Ass Clown of the Month for September, 2014 ...

Justin Bieber

Young Mr Bieber was once again in the news this past week when he was charged with assault following a traffic accident in Canada, his native country. And despite his legions of young female fans, the White House has received a petition signed by more than 270,000 people asking for Justin Bieber to be deported for his chronic misbehavior and alleged crimes.

For the sterling example he sets for young people everywhere, and his tireless striving to demonstrate the dangers of fame and fortune acquired in the absence of the maturity to handle them, Justin Bieber is named our first Ass Clown of the Month for September.

Have a good day. Listen to better music. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for August, 2014

Last Friday we took another look at Great Moments in Editing, but another week has gone by and it's now time to name our second Ass Clown of the Month for August, 2014.

This week as always, I suffer from a surfeit of riches in terms of the field of potential candidates from which to select our dishonorees. But as the old saying goes, life's like a septic tank ... the really big chunks rise to the top. And the biggest chunk in the tank this week is

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS)

also known as
The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)
or simply as

The Islamic State

In a world and at a time when religious believers of all sorts are becoming ever more rigid and intolerant, the "holy" warriors of ISIS have plumbed new depths of depravity and sadism, as evidenced by their imposition of medieval religious law in areas under their control, by engaging in genocide against the Yazidis in Iraq, and by brutally murdering their way across Syria and Iraq. In the past week, members of the group beheaded American journalist James Foley and posted the video on YouTube - after demanding a ransom of $132 million and sending his family an e-mail described as "... vitriolic and filled with rage against the United States."

For its exercise of arrogant bigotry and sadism masquerading as religion, the despicable and cowardly group of evildoers that calls itself ISIS is named our second Ass Clown of the Month for August, 2014.

Enjoy hell, ISIS. They're keeping the light on for you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The First Ass Clown of the Month Award for August, 2014

Ah, yes, Dear Readers, we have reached the second Friday in August, and it's time to name our first Ass Clown of the Month.

With a roll of drums and a fanfare of farting trumpets, let's have a round of raspberries for

The Rope Nazi

I see by the blank looks on your faces that you are confused. Here's the full citation ...

Last week while we were at Disney World, we decided to stay late one night and catch the famous Main Street Electrical Parade that was scheduled to begin at 9:15. By late afternoon, workers were busy marking the path of the parade with tape and setting up stanchions to hold up the white ropes that marked the boundary beyond which - for obvious safety reasons - no one could sit or stand to watch the parade. We found a likely spot, parked the stroller and our bags, and sat down to wait for the parade.

Soon afterwards, my daughter spotted what looked like a better position across the street and a bit farther down. She went to check it out while I waited with Leya and Elise and our belongings. She beckoned us to come to the new location, and while the girls ran ahead, I followed with Yasmin's backpack, our stroller, and our other bags of accumulated goodies. The girls ducked under the rope to the new position, and I lifted up the rope to push the stroller underneath. Then, still carrying the backpack and bags, I hoisted a leg and stepped over the rope to get myself to the other side.

Suddenly there came a tremendous roar: SIR!! SIR!! DO ... NOT ... TOUCH ... THE ... ROPE!!

There I stood, one leg on either side and the rope quivering in my crotch, carrying the backpack and the other bags, while a very large and corpulent fellow in Official Regalia continued to bellow at me:

SIR!! I TOLD YOU ... DO NOT TOUCH THE ROPE ... YOU MUST GET AWAY FROM THE ROPE NOW!!

Naturally, when I tried to lift my other leg over the rope, my foot caught in it, and I began to do a single-foot happy dance to keep from losing my balance.

SIR!! YOU WILL GET AWAY FROM THE ROPE IMMEDIATELY!! YOU CANNOT TOUCH THE ROPE!!

I continued to hop on one foot while my daughter and several other people tried to help me extricate myself from the rope, which petulantly refused to let go of my foot.

SIR!! I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN ... GET OFF THE ROPE - NOW!!

Finally, we managed to get me off the rope, and the Rope Nazi went on to bellow at other people committing other grievous sins such as sitting or standing on walls or trying to cross the street at the wrong place. He kept up this performance for the entire length of the parade, marching back and forth on his side of the rope and shouting at children and adults alike.

Now, it's clear that the rope is there to keep people from getting trampled by giant parade floats and reinforced battalions of brightly-lit marching cartoon characters. But it's also clear that The Rope Nazi was a fellow overwhelmed with his own importance and the awesome power of his lordship over 30 feet of white rope. It was pretty obvious that I was trying to get off his $%#! rope, but he continued to loudly bellow and threaten, causing everyone within about 150 feet to gape at him in utter disbelief. What a buffoon.

For his loud, abusive, and unprofessional behavior that was a poor reflection on a workforce that we had up to that time found to be uniformly pleasant, polite, and professional, The Rope Nazi is named as our first Ass Clown of the Month for August, 2014.

And if you visit Disney World and want to watch the Main Street Electrical Parade, for heaven's sake don't touch any ropes. The Rope Nazi might have a taser or a riot baton or something by that time.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Ass Clown of the Month for July - Part 3

How quickly the time passes, and how many are the candidates!

Sometimes, there's just no doubt of the right selection. Our third Ass Clown of the Month award for July is presented to second-time winner ...

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Mr Putin received this non-prestigious award in February 2014 for his shameless milking of the Sochi Winter Olympics for the benefit of his political cronies. This month, the award is presented for his craven avoidance of responsibility for stirring up trouble in Ukraine and providing the powerful surface-to-air missiles that allowed Russian-backed separatists to murder nearly 300 people by shooting down a civilian airliner. He wants to "make Russia great again," but he's exposed himself as a common and despicable murderer.

Vladimir Putin is named our third Ass Clown of the Month for July 2014. You've really earned it, Vlad.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow. If you wish to nominate an ass clown for future awards, send your nominee to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com and we'll add him (or her - this is an equal opportunity award) to the Hall of Shame.

Bilbo

Ass Clown of the Month for July - Part 2

The best-laid plans ...

It was only a few days ago that I announced my plan to begin a new system for designating recipients of the Ass Clown of the Month Award, announcing the award recipients every other Friday, alternating with the Great Moments in Editing feature ...

... and here I am, already violating my new system. I would have liked to wait to make this announcement, but I really don't want two weeks to to pass before giving due dishonor to this amazingly well-qualified nominee, brought to my attention by my daughter, who was quick to notice the level of award-winning ass clownery represented by this - ready for this one? - elected official.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the second Ass Clown of the Month Award for July, 2014 is presented to

Kentucky State Senator Brandon Smith

In a speech last week condemning the Obama administration’s new Environmental Protection Agency carbon emission regulations, Senator Smith* (who also owns a mining company called Mohawk Energy) claimed that man-made climate change is scientifically implausible because Mars and Earth are exactly the same temperature. In his speech, Senator Smith said:

"As you [an official of the Kentucky Energy & Environment Cabinet] sit there in your chair with your data, we sit up here in ours with our data and our constituents and stuff behind us. I won’t get into the debate about climate change but I’ll simply point out that I think in academia we all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here. Nobody will dispute that. Yet there are no coal mines on Mars. There’s no factories on Mars that I’m aware of."

Senator Smith has obviously not checked his information with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), which notes that the average temperature on Earth is 57 degrees Fahrenheit, while the average temperature on Mars is -81 degrees Fahrenheit ... a difference of 138 degrees. You can check out the current weather on Mars here**.

For his almost unbelievable example of scientific illiteracy and utter ignorance of the science of climate change, Kentucky State Senator Brandon Smith is designated as our second Ass Clown of the Month for July, 2014.

Have a good day. Be careful who you vote for.

Bilbo

* Does it surprise you that he's a Republican?

** Please pass the information to Senator Smith.

Ass Clown of the Month for July - Part 1

As you saw last month, my usual plan of designating an Ass Clown of the Month was derailed by the unusually large number of candidates for the award, which led me to name not just one, but two Ass Clowns of the Month for June. At the suggestion of my old friend, regular reader, and fellow blogger Gonzo Dave, I have decided to revamp the award system and go to a bi-monthly award, alternating on Fridays with the Great Moments in Editing feature. I think this is a good plan that will give more opportunities to dishonor deserving ass clowns while still leaving the option to provide spot awards as needed (and boy, does it sometimes look as if it's needed).

With this in mind, I call for a roll of drums and a 21-raspberry salute to our first Ass Clown of the Month for July, 2014 -

The United States Supreme Court

Because of some of its more recent decisions which have essentially delivered our electoral system to the highest bidder (Citizens United and McCutcheon v Federal Election Commission), confirmed that the right to harass and berate women seeking medical attention is more important than those women's right to privacy and safety (McCullen v Coakley), and granted personhood and religious rights to corporations (Hobby Lobby), the Supreme Court has clearly shown that the rights of big business and the interests of corporations are more important than those of individuals, and that it unconstitutionally supports the intrusion of specific religious beliefs into the law. This, of course, comes on the heels of past decisions which expanded the power of eminent domain to include protection of business interests over private property (Kelo v City of New London) and struck down laws attempting to control the proliferation of guns on the streets of Washington, DC (District of Columbia v Heller).

Because of its incredible ability to deliver bizarre decisions cloaked in incomprehensible legal rhetoric and questionable constitutional backing*, the US Supreme Court is awarded the first Ass Clown of the Month award for July of 2014.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... you'll need it.

Bilbo

* At least in my humble opinion.

The Third Ass Clown of the Month for June, 2014!

As you know, Dear Readers, I’ve been observing the activities (or, more correctly, inactivities) of our government with head-shaking disdain for some years now. Every time I think our elected reprehensives have finally hit rock bottom, they surprise me by manfully* continuing to dig in search of new depths of stupidity.

And this is why, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have decided to present an unprecedented third

Ass Clown of the Month Award

for June, 2014.

The deserving recipient is ...

Speaker of the House John Boehner, R (OH)^**

You may have read this past week that Mr Boehner has announced that he plans to sue President Obama for failing to execute the law as he is required to do by the Constitution***, and for governing without due regard to the Congress by issuing executive orders and using recess appointments⁺ to fill positions. Although he would not cite specific examples of Mr Obama's alleged wrongdoing, Mr Boehner piously intoned his charges in a memo sent to his House colleagues,

"On matters ranging from health care and energy to foreign policy and education, President Obama has repeatedly run an end-around on the American people and their elected legislators, straining the boundaries of the solemn oath he took on Inauguration Day"

Shame on the President for trying to govern in the face of implacable opposition! You may enjoy this take on Mr Boehner's position - Boehner Calls Obama's Practice of Accomplishing Things Unconstitutional.

For his shameless pandering to the hyperconservative base, and for wasting the time and money of Congress, the courts, and the American people with a ridiculous lawsuit that should be laughed with prejudice out of any courtroom, John Boehner is awarded the third Ass Clown of the Month award for June, 2014. Of course, in Mr Boehner's defense, filing a frivolous lawsuit is a lot easier than coming up with actual workable programs, providing leadership to his fractious party, and cooperating in the business of government.

Have a good day. If you live in Ohio and voted for Mr Boehner, I hope you're happy with the quality of your representation ... if not the quantity of its accomplishments.

See you here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* No offense intended, ladies. Many of those reprehensives surprise me by continuing to dig womanfully, too.

** Mr Boehner has already received the Ass Clown of the Month Award once before. You can read his previous award citation here.

*** Article II, Section 3: “…he [the President] shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed …”

+ Article II, Section 2: “The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session.” Of course, the Supreme Court just decided that this part of the Constitution was unconstitutional, so to speak (the ruling was in the case NLRB v. Noel Canning (12-1281), decided on June 26th).

The Second Ass Clown of the Month Award for June, 2014

I should have known that I'd presented the Ass Clown of the Month award too early this month ...

As I feared, another deserving candidate has appeared, and I'm reluctant to wait a whole month before dishonoring him with his own award. Therefore, because it's my blog and I can do what I want, I hereby present the second Ass Clown of the Month award for June 2014 to

Outgoing House Majority Leader Eric Cantor*

As you have surely heard by now, Mr Cantor was beaten like a cheap gong in last week's Virginia Republican primary election, losing in a flood of biblical proportions to economics professor David Brat, who was able to convince the Tea Party that he was even more rabidly conservative and less interested in governing effectively than Mr Cantor. But the real reason I have singled out Mr Cantor for this award is the report - broken by NBC News - that Mr Cantor spent more on 17 campaign dinners at two high-end DC steak houses ($168,637, or $9,920 apiece) than his opponent spent on his entire campaign ($122,793). You can read the entire story here, and in case you're interested, here's the dinner menu from BLT Steak**, one of the two eateries generously patronized by Mr Cantor.

For his display of solidarity with the dining habits of average middle-class Americans and dedicated focus on personal advancement in Washington rather than service to his constituents in Virginia, Eric Cantor is presented our second Ass Clown of the Month award for June, 2014.

Congratulations, Eric - you can show it to your former campaign contributors at your next steak dinner. Assuming you can still afford steak dinners if your campaign isn't paying for them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* This is Mr Cantor's second Ass Clown of the Month award ... you can read his earlier award, presented in June of 2011, here.

** $29 for Lemon-Rosemary Chicken? $11 for a bibb lettuce salad with mustard dressing? Don't go looking for Agnes and I there.

The Ass Clown of the Month Award for June, 2014

Every month I struggle with the question of how long to wait before selecting the Ass Clown of the Month.

Sometimes, the choice is clear very early in the month, and yet part of me wants to hold off in the sure knowledge that another equally deserving - if not better - candidate will arise. Thus it is that I have decided that I will continue to designate an Ass Clown of the Month, but will reserve the right (because it's my blog, of course) to nominate others during the month if needed.

So many ass clowns, so little time.

This month, the choice is so blindingly obvious that I saw no reason to wait any longer - while there will certainly be other worthy nominees, one stands so far above the teeming horde that I could not in good conscience pass up the opportunity to provide him the recognition he deserves. Dear Readers, the Ass Clown of the Month for the month of June, 2014 is

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher

AKA "Joe the Plumber"

Mr Wurzelbacher, a long-time right-wing pseudo-celebrity, wrote an open letter to the parents of those who were shot to death by Eliot Rodger in his horrifying killing spree last month. In the letter, he wrote these words of compassion and empathy:

"I am sorry you lost your child. I myself have a son and daughter and the one thing I never want to go through, is what you are going through now. But ... (as) harsh as this sounds – your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.”

Yes, Dear Readers, you heard that correctly: the murder of innocents is less important than the right to own as many deadly weapons as one wishes.

I'm not sure what Joe the Plumber would have thought if his own children had been murdered in cold blood. It sounds to me as if he'd stand up and proudly defend the right of their killer to carry his loaded weapons of choice everywhere and murder people as he saw fit.

Our Ass Clown of the Year for 2012 was Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the National Rifle Association and staunch defender of totally unrestricted gun rights. It was Mr LaPierre who, after the massacre of 20 children and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School, urged the wider proliferation of deadly weapons, piously informing us that "the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." Well, tell me this, Mr LaPierre and Mr Wurzelbacher: when I'm in a restaurant or bar, or on the street, or in a movie theater, or in a church or school, and I'm surrounded by heavily-armed people exercising their Constitutional right (as interpreted by the Supreme Court) to bear arms ... how do I tell the good guys from the bad guys? How do I know if I'm in danger? Who is the threat? All I see is a lot of weapons in the hands of people I don't know. I don't know if they are sober, law-abiding citizens who have received the appropriate training and are prepared to behave responsibly, or if they're crazy people who have decided today is the day they'll get even with all the people they think have wronged them. They don't wear signs that tell me which is which. All I know is that there's a whole lot of potential death surrounding me, carried by people whose motives I can't judge.

And this is the horror and insanity of the current right-wing gun rights craze: in the words of William Safire, "The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right."

Our Ass Clown awardee for this month, a man more concerned with his right to pack iron than with your right to live, is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. Mr Wurzelbacher personifies everything that is wrong with today's hyperconservatives - no heart, no brain, and a monumental sense of personal entitlement disconnected from a sense of responsibility for the consequences and consideration for the rights and safety of others.

He'd probably appreciate a 21-gun salute to mark the occasion.

Have a good day, and be safe. Remember what Mr Safire said.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Ass Clown of the Month for May, 2014

It's getting increasingly hard to select a single recipient of the Ass Clown of the Month Award. It seems as if every day more and more ridiculous ass clowns are coming out of the woodwork, each more deserving of the award than the next. In the last few weeks alone, we have the murderous religious bigots of Boko Haram, the utterly insane Georgia legislature that has made the open carry of loaded weapons almost everywhere in the state - including bars (!) - legal, and the GOP's decision to continue to waste the people's time and resources on yet another meaningless committee hearing into the Benghazi attack, in the fervent hope that it will somehow magically turn into a politically expedient scandal. How can I possibly select from among this embarrassment of riches?

Well, it's a tough job, but someone's got to do it and it looks as if I'm it. Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my selection for the Ass Clown of the Month ...

Chris Sevier

Mr Sevier attempted to intervene in a Florida same-sex marriage lawsuit "on behalf of other minority sexual orientation groups," according to a local newspaper, which noted that Mr Sevier's motion was "obviously an attempt to punk the legal system because he doesn't agree with gay marriage." Mr Sevier, an attorney and a music producer, had filed a motion demanding the right to marry his preferred sexual object ... his porn-loaded laptop computer.

Mr Sevier stated in his motion that if gay couples "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

In a burst of judicial wisdom not often seen in today's litigious society, Judge Robert Hinkle wrote the following in his ruling dismissing Mr Sevier's motion ...

"Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."

"Removed from reality." I wonder if Faux News has picked this one up yet.

For wasting the time of courts that have better things to do, and for making an utter fool of himself, Chris Sevier is named our Ass Clown of the Month for May, 2014. 

Case dismissed.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

I Spoke Too Soon ...

One of my readers gently criticized me some months ago for naming the Ass Clown of the Month too early, an action which might discriminate against better candidates that might emerge in the later days of the month. While I recognized the strength of the argument and have since tried to wait until at least the middle of the month to name the dishonoree, I sometimes make the call early ... as I did this month (see the announcement, made on April 4th, here). It seemed like a good idea at the time.

But another candidate so outrageous has emerged that I'm tempted to announce a second* award for the month. And since it's my blog, after all, I think it's within my power to do it.

Therefore, with a roll of drums and a sad shake of the head, I announce the second Ass Clown of the Month Award for April 2014 to

Mike Huckabee

While addressing a red-meat conservative crowd at the inaugural New Hampshire Freedom Summit, Mr Huckabee was quoted as saying, "My gosh, I'm beginning to think that there's more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States." He went on to complain about security requirements at airports, claiming that they imposed more ID requirements than voting.

For his inability to distinguish between transportation security requirements and legitimate concerns on both sides of the voter identification controversy, and between both of those and the actions of a despotic government that imprisons tens of thousands of its citizens in labor camps and regiments the remainder to a degree unmatched anywhere in the world, Mike Huckabee gets the nod as our second Ass Clown of the Month for April, 2014.

And this guy wanted to be president.

Oy.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Third, actually, since this month was a dual award.

The Ass Clown of the Month Award for April, 2014

This month celebrates the third year of presentation of the quasi-prestigious Ass Clown of the Month Award ...

On April 17, 2011, billionaire, birther, climate change denier, and all-around generally miserable human being Donald Trump was named as the first Ass Clown of the Month, setting a standard aspired to by such other dim luminaries as Vladimir Putin (March, 2014), Wayne LaPierre (annual winner for 2012), Senator Mitch McConnell (January, 2013) and many others. Today, three years after the first award, we recognize yet another individual who has exhibited the qualities of a supreme Ass Clown.

In fact, this month we present a dual award to a pair of individuals who, together, make one give the sad head-shake and sigh of resignation that mark truly deserving Ass Clowns. Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for April, 2014 goes to

Robert H. Richards, IV

and

Delaware Superior Court Judge Jan Jurden

In 2008, Mr Richards was indicted on two counts of second-degree child rape for repeatedly assaulting his three year-old daughter between 2005 and 2007. Real People indicted on those counts would have received mandatory minimum sentences of 10 years on each count, but Mr Richards - heir to the DuPont fortune - was released on $60,000 bail and ultimately offered a deal allowing him to plead guilty to fourth-degree rape. Instead of 20 years in prison, Mr Richards was ordered to pay $4,395 to the Delaware Violent Crimes Compensation Board and sentenced to eight years in prison ... suspended in favor of probation by Judge Jan Jurden, who wrote in her decision that Mr Richards "will not fare well in Level 5 (prison) setting."

It is generally known that those who are wealthy and well-connected are able to manipulate the criminal justice system that would drop huge fines and jail time on lesser beings. If you're the heir to a vast fortune, you can afford to pay teams of top-drawer lawyers instead of having to rely on overworked, poorly-paid public defenders. If you're a big shot, chances are you won't spend time eating jail food from plastic trays and wearing orange jumpsuits ... you'll pay an easily-affordable fine (if that) and suffer the indignity of probation within the walls of your own home.

Some commentators have argued that the judge who imposed this laughable penalty should not be criticized because Delaware law prohibits her from defending herself by commenting on the facts of the case. They also argue that the language in the decision about Mr Richards "not far(ing) well" in prison was probably added by the defense team. No matter. Judge Jurden, responsible for the even-handed imposition of justice, signed off on a decision that made a mockery of the law she is sworn to uphold.

If there were any doubt in your mind about the existence of one form of justice for the elite, and another for the hoi polloi, this case should clear it up for you. Read the whole miserable story here.

Mr Robert H. Richards, IV, and Judge Jan Jurden are named as co-awardees as April 2014's Ass Clown of the Month - Mr Richards for the despicable abuse of his daughter, and Judge Jurden for issuing an unbelievable ruling that feeds public cynicism about the fairness of the judicial system.

Sometimes, there's just nothing more you can say.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when we'll try to laugh rather than cry.

Bilbo