What Type of Pooper Are You?

Not long ago, I ran across this fascinating article: There Are Two Types of Poopers—Which One Are You?

The article posits that there are two types of poopers: temporal and locational. A temporal pooper prefers to defecate at the same times every day, regardless of location, while a locational pooper wants to drop loads only at a particular place ... usually at home or some other preferred location ... without regard to time. I, myself, am neither of these; I'd call myself a necessity pooper, in that I go when the need arises, regardless of time or location*.

Okay, so we have temporal, locational, and necessity poopers ... are there other types?

Of course there are! In addition to the three standard types described above, we have several that apply to specific social and political groups, such as:

MAGA poopers, who don't care where or when they poop, but are obsessively fixated on the poop provided by Der Furor and his acolytes.

Alpha poopers, who proudly poop wherever and whenever they want, in the most ostentatiously masculine way possible.

Originalist poopers, who care less about the actual act of pooping than about whether they poop exactly as the Founders did.

Textualist poopers, who believe that pooping must be conducted according to the letter of long-established pooping traditions, regardless of any subsequently-approved changes that may have altered the original description.  

America First poopers, who insist on ensuring that only those legally authorized to do so may poop within the borders of the United States.  

And that's the straight poop.

Have a good day, however you poop. If you've identified any other types, let me know. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Although I won't use just any facility when duty calls ... I may hold a record for longest-held poop when I was in Copenhagen, Denmark, and the only nearby facility was too staggeringly filthy for normal human use.

Musical Sunday

Since one of the major beliefs of MAGA Republicans is that everybody on any form of public assistance is just sitting at home drinking beer and watching their government-provided big-screen TVs at the expense of hard-working (white) Americans, Der Furor is laser-focused on making sure that every potential welfare cheat ... which means, all of them ... is forced to meet "work requirements." I think we need to go back a few years for an appropriate theme song for this approach, and so I propose we use Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass's classic tune, "The Work Song" ...

I got tired just listening to it.

Have a good day, enjoy the rest of your weekend, and work hard ... after all, your taxes are all that's standing between some nearly-destitute billionaire and their well-deserved next home, yacht, or vanity space project.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

I don't like this July. Where do I take it for an exchange?

More than 100 people are dead and many still missing in the wake of deadly flash floods in Texas; walking back earlier claims by Attorney General Pam Bondi, the Justice Department announced that there is no evidence accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein kept a “client list” or was murdered; an imposter used AI tools to impersonate Secretary of State Marco Rubio to contact at least five people, including three foreign ministers, a US governor, and a member of Congress; Der Furor has nominated notorious MAGA "alpha male" influencer Nick Adams to be the US Ambassador to Malaysia; and in Ireland, a sports star has pleaded guilty to fraud after sharing a selfie showing an iPhone cable — made to look like a hospital tube — inserted up his nose to scam people for donations by falsely claiming he had cancer.

This week, in honor of last Tuesday's anniversary of the famous 1947 Roswell UFO incident, how about a collection of cartoons about UFOs and aliens (the extraterrestrial kind, not the Republican fever dream kind)?

I guess your belief system really is important ...

They obviously didn't know about the 4th of July ...

Busted!

A clever disguise, no? ...

Who wants to tell them? ...

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this were true ...

When the interstellar GPS is a little off ...

Uh, oh ...

I guess it matters who the first contact is with ...

Space cookies ...

And that's it for this week's collection of alien cartoons that we didn't have to break out of Alligator Alcatraz. I hope you enjoyed them.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when we enjoy a timely tune from Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. See you then.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2025

I could whine and complain about the difficulty of picking these award winners, but today there's no need - the choice is simple.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, 

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown Award for July, 2025

is presented to

Speaker of the House of Representatives

Mike Johnson (R, LA-4)

Mr Johnson could easily have won this award, his second*, simply on the basis of his success in masterminding Congressional approval of Der Furor's disastrous "One Big Beautiful Bill," but he cemented his dishonor in the wake of the terrible flash floods that killed more than 100 people in Texas this past week. When an interviewer on “Fox News** Sunday” asked whether there was more that Congress might do to help the victims of the disaster, Mr Johnson said that,

“In a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does ... all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

  

In response, commentator Fred Wellman responded,

"No. That's what pastors and civilians should be doing. We pay members of Congress to ask hard questions, start investigating, find out if the government could have done more. Do it now before the next storm. We aren't paying you to pray. We are paying you to help all of us."

I could not have crafted a better response myself. The House of Representatives, once regarded by many as possibly the finest deliberative body in human history, is now an emasculated joke, driven by a Speaker who wields his power not in service to the people, but to the whims of a rudderless, transactional buffoon who is, in turn, driven only by his appetite for power and revenge. Congressional leadership is an oxymoron, with a figurehead Speaker interested only in gaining cheap political advantage and staying out of Der Furor's social media crosshairs. 

We deserve better, but we elected worse, and we have only ourselves to blame.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the first Poison Ivy Cluster to his Tinfoil and Toilet Paper Crown is presented to Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for July, 2025. I weep for the nation's future.

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday, when - in honor of the anniversary of the Roswell UFO Incident - we'll feature cartoons about interstellar illegal aliens. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* He was the Left-Cheek Ass Clown in December, 2023, which makes this second award his first Poison Ivy Cluster to his Tinfoil and Toilet Paper Crown.

** The official mouthpiece of the Republican Party.

The Cross of Electrons

On July 9, 1896, William Jennings Bryan delivered what many historians consider the greatest political speech in American history - his famous "Cross of Gold" speech. 

At the time, the United States dollar was unofficially on the gold standard used by major trading nations. This made trade simpler, but limited the money supply, leading many businessmen and economists to advocate for "bimetallism," or the coinage of silver as well as gold. Mr Bryan, seeking the Democratic nomination for president, was a strong advocate for the free coinage of silver, as opposed to his Republican opponent, William McKinley*, who advocated remaining on the gold standard. Although Mr Bryan eloquently insisted in his famous oration that "you shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns. You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold," he lost the election of 1896 to Mr McKinley, who officially placed the United States on the gold standard in 1900. The nation remained on the gold standard until 1933, when President Franklin Roosevelt ended it for domestic transactions, and 1971, when President Richard Nixon ended the international convertibility of the dollar to gold, effectively ending the gold standard for global transactions. The dollar is now considered a "fiat currency," with its value determined by market forces rather than the value of a physical commodity like gold. 

And now we find ourselves in 2025, when a new form of currency has arisen - the so-called "cryptocurrencies" like Bitcoin, the value of which is tied not to some physical asset, but to the market forces of supply and demand.

I wrote about cryptocurrencies in March of this year, when I commented on Der Furor's royal decree Executive Order 14233, "Establishment of the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve and United States Digital Asset Stockpile." I noted at the time that there were six attributes a fiat currency (like the dollar) required to be acceptable as a medium of exchange:

Durability - it must stand up to use;

Portability - it must be able to be moved around as needed;

Divisibility - it must be conveniently divisible into smaller units as needed;

Uniformity - each unit must look like and have the same value as every other unit;

Scarcity - the value is shored up by limits imposed on the quantity available; and,

Acceptability - users both at home and in other countries agree to take it as payment.

One can argue whether any cryptocurrency meets those requirements, as I discussed in my earlier post. All things considered, I don't believe that cryptocurrencies (at least, as they now exist) are a viable unit of exchange. Of course, I'm hardly an expert on the topic ... but then again, neither is Der Furor or anyone in his fiscal entourage.

And an economy weakened by economic blows like the ongoing tariff chaos and relentless focus on tax reductions drives investors from the dollar, once the world's preferred reserve currency, to alternatives like cryptocurrencies ... benefiting those who produce or invest in those cryptocurrencies. Like Der Furor, oddly enough. 

I fear we are no longer in danger of being financially crucified on a cross of gold, but rather on a cross of electrons.

I wonder what Mr Bryan would have had to say if he were giving his famous speech today.

Have a good day. Don't take any wooden nickels. Or electronic ones, either. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Mostly remembered today for his advocacy of tariffs and consequent deification by Der Furor.

Creative Ways to Honor Der Furor

Back in 2010 I wrote a blog post about the frantic rush by Republicans to name everything they could think of after Ronald Reagan, the man who was the same sort of GOP demigod for his time that Der Furor is today. Within a few miles of my home in Northern Virginia alone, we have the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center in downtown DC, Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport (DCA), and the Ronald Wilson Reagan Memorial Highway (a portion of State Route 234 near Manassas). The Reagan Presidential Library has a convenient list (by state and overseas location) of all the things named after Mr Reagan, if you want to see a more-or-less full list.  

Of course, a man like Ronald Reagan would be primaried into electoral insignificance by today's MAGA Republicans who worship at the festooned altar of Der Furor. Indeed, by MAGA standards, Der Furor is the greatest president of all time, far outshining any past or potential future incumbent, and so there's been an unseemly rush of honors proposed by Republican members of Congress and other officeholders eager to osculate the ample posterior of their Fearless Leader. These include:

Texas Representative Brendan Gill’s Golden Age Act of 2025 recommends replacing Benjamin Franklin on the $100 with Der Furor;

New York Representative Claudia Tenney introduced legislation to make Der Furor's birthday a federal holiday;

North Carolina Representative Addison McDowell introduced legislation to rename Washington Dulles International Airport for Der Furor;

Florida Representative Anna Paulina Luna submitted a bill to add Der Furor’s likeness to Mount Rushmore, placing him alongside Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt (unlikely ever to happen, for practical geological reasons);

South Carolina Representative Joe Williams has introduced legislation to create a new $250 bill with Der Furor's likeness to commemorate his idol and recognize the 250th anniversary of the United States in 2026; and,

Tennessee Representative Andy Ogles has introduced legislation proposing a Constitutional amendment that would allow selected presidents to serve a third (or more) term, which is now forbidden by the 22nd Amendment. Mr Ogles carefully worded his proposed amendment so that it would not apply to other former two-term presidents, such as (naturally) Barack Obama.

Of course, a man as brazenly self-absorbed and self-congratulatory as Der Furor would consider all of this as no more than his due. After all, he's been whining long enough about being under-appreciated and not being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize. Plus he's already famous for putting his name not just on all his properties, but on everything from sneakers to cybercurrencies to trading cards and NFTs to fragrences.

So, Dear Readers, it's clear that Der Furor considers himself sadly under-honored, and his sycophants agree. What are some other places or things that we ought to apply his name to ... assuming that any remain? I think we could start with renaming the "detention center" for arrested migrants in the middle of the Florida Everglades from "The Dade-Collier Training and Transition Airport" or "Alligator Alcatraz" to the "The [DJT] Immigrant Pre-Deportation Misery Enhancement Center."

Any other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

Good Sunday morning, Dear Readers! As we put up with the noise of our neighbors firing off the last (hopefully) of their remaining fireworks, let us ponder, as Hal Sirowitz suggests, an unexpected benefit of an active lifestyle ...

The Benefits of an Active Lifestyle

by Hal Sirowitz

You seem to like things the most

if you can do them while you're sitting,

Father said. It doesn't seem like it's

the books you're reading that give

you pleasure, but that you read them

while you're sitting down. You

get most of your satisfaction from doing

things that require very little physical effort.

It's not that your brain needs to be filled

with new facts, but that you have grown

accustomed to being lazy. You can learn

just as much from being active. And since

that'll put you with other active people,

none of them will have the time to sit down

& read a book to prove that the information you got was wrong.

And aren't we all awash in wrong information nowadays?

Have a good day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Well, so much for July being an improvement on June ...

Der Furor traveled to Florida this week to open a bleak new migrant detention facility nicknamed "Alligator Alcatraz;" the Senate passed Der Furor's "One, Big, Beautiful Bill" on Tuesday after Vice Emperor Vance cast the tie-breaking vote; Paramount announced that it has agreed to pay Der Furor $16 million to settle his lawsuit over the editing of a 2024 Kamala Harris interview on the CBS News program “60 Minutes,” possibly to grease the skids for the administration's approval of the proposed sale of Paramount to Hollywood studio Skydance; Andrey Bedelov, Vice President of Russia's "Transneft" company, died on Friday after falling from his Moscow apartment window (wink, wink); and in Orlando, Florida, a driver clocked at 104 mph on Monday became the first person arrested under Florida’s new "Super Speeder" law ... the law went into effect at 12:01 AM on July 1st, and the unlucky winner was arrested two minutes later.

As the beat goes with Der Furor's boasting over Congress's passage and his signature of the Billionaire Enhancement Act, I thought a collection of cartoons about piñatas would be appropriate ...

Well, there's that ...

I don't want to have to beat it out of you ...

For real ...

Her expression says otherwise ...

Well, where did you think piñatas came from? ...

Whoever strikes first ...

Oops ...

Piñata ultrasound ...

It was an honest mistake ...

You'd think they'd have thought of that sooner ...

And sic transit gloria Cartoon Saturday for the first Saturday in July ... aren't you glad there's no sound, since you're probably still deaf from the past week of fireworks?

Have a good day and a great holiday weekend. More thoughts tomorrow, when Poetry Sunday returns. See you then.

Bilbo

Great Moments in Editing and Signage

Happy Fourth of July! I thought about writing an Independence Day-themed post today, but given the state of the nation, anything I'd have written would be too dark for the all-American holiday, so we'll just stick with the rotation and bring up the month's first set of Great Moments in Editing and Signage. Shall we go?

I wonder if it must be kept refrigerated ...

Um ... okay ...

I think they probably meant "retinal," but what do I know? ...

Some editorial assistant who's probably looking for a new job just couldn't pass up writing this headline (I think my British friend Ross, the donkey rescue volunteer, can appreciate it) ...

I think I'd rather have the Soylent Green, thanks ...

It was nice of them to make the linguistic effort ...

Oh, the horror! ...

It's nice that the ladies can drop in for a bite to eat after taking care of business ...

It's quite an advertising come-on ...

So, where else would you wear it? ...

And that's it for our Fourth-of-July edition of Great Moments ... I hope it gave you a bit of a lift in these trying times.

Have a happy holiday, drink responsibly, be careful with the fireworks, and come back tomorrow - preferably with all your digits still attached - for a Cartoon Saturday that promises to be a big hit ... if you're a piñata, that is.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Tarot for MAGAts

I've long been fascinated by the concept of magic and our use of things like talismanic incantations and magic potions to effortlessly bring the results we want. And if, as I noted earlier this week, the golem can be updated for the 21st century, so too can other standards of the mystical world ... like the Tarot.

The Tarot is a set of specialized playing cards used for fortune-telling or divination. A Tarot deck contains 78 cards, divided into a "Major Arcana" of 22 cards and a "Minor Arcana" of 56. 

The cards of the "Major Arcana" describe an person's journey through different stages of understanding and awareness, and eventually to enlightenment*. They talk about the main themes present in the world around us, and often signify important stages of one's psychological and/or spiritual development and evolution. The Major Arcana cards are: The Fool, The Magician, The High Priestess, The Empress, The Emperor, The Hierophant**, The Lovers, The Chariot, Strength, The Hermit, Wheel of Fortune, Justice, The Hanged Man, Death, Temperance, The Devil, The Tower, The Star, The Moon, The Sun, Judgement, and The World; typical designs of a few of these are shown below ...

The "Minor Arcana" cards, on the other hand, describe the day-to-day aspects of our daily life: our work, feelings, thoughts, finances, and so on, considered to be not as important as the Spiritual aspect contained within the Majors. Minor Arcana cards are divided into four Suits (Wands, Swords, Cups, and Pentacles***) of 14 cards each, which align with the four traditional elements of Fire, Air, Water, and Earth ... 

Wands and Swords are considered masculine, being associated with the "masculine" symbols of Fire (passion, energy, and desire) and Air (logic, reason, and thinking); Cups and Pentacles are considered feminine, being associated with the "feminine" symbols of Water (feelings and emotions) and Earth (materialistic and practical concepts like money, and careers).

Got all that?

Okay, having now considered the traditional Tarot deck, it occurs to me that it no longer meets the needs of those who wish to interpret Der Furor's America. Therefore, as a service to MAGAts who wish to use the Tarot predict their futures (or explain Der Furor's policies^†), I offer the following redesign to create a new, MAGA-friendly version:

The Major Arcana change as follows:

The Fool is replaced by The Cabinet;

The Magician is replaced by Fox News^††; 

The High Priestess is replaced by Karoline Leavitt;

The Empress is replaced by Melania Trump;

The Emperor is replaced by Steven Miller;

The Hierophant is replaced by Q; 

The Lovers is replaced by The Trumpettes; 

The Chariot is replaced by The Cybertruck;

Strength is replaced by Bombast;

The Hermit is replaced by Steve Bannon;

The Wheel of Fortune is replaced by The Tariff;

Justice is not used in the MAGA Tarot;

The Hanged Man is replaced by Mike Pence;

Death is replaced by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.;

Temperance is replaced by Pete Hegseth/Brett Kavanaugh;

The Devil is replaced by The Immigrant;

The Tower is replaced by Mar-a-Lago;

The Star is replaced by Kid Rock; 

The Moon is replaced by The Midnight Tweet; 

The Sun is replaced by Der Furor, the center of the MAGA universe; 

Judgement is not used in the MAGA Tarot; and, 

The World is replaced by America.

The Suits of the Minor Arcana change as follows (note that, in accordance with MAGA beliefs, all are now masculine):

Wands is replaced by Phalluses 

Swords is replaced by Bunker Busters

Cups is replaced by Six-Packs; and, 

Pentacles is replaced by Red Hats

There is, of course, a great deal more to the arcane pseudoscience of reading Tarot cards, and I don't pretend to understand it all. I'll just limit myself to the design of the deck, and the MAGAts can figure out the rest on their own.

Have a good day, or as good a day as your Tarot reading suggests you're going to have.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* However this is defined.

** One who interprets sacred mysteries or esoteric principles.

*** A "pentacle" is "a talisman or magical object, used as a symbol of the element of earth.

† To the extent that any of these can be explained.

†† For its power to instantly transmute the wildest fiction into truth.