The Get Off the Phone Song

I've often written about some of the telephone stupidity I've seen over the years. You've seen it, too ... from the guys in the men's room who think a cone of silence descends over them while they're sitting on the throne talking to their girlfriend to the bozoheads who roar down the highway while chattering away and the clueless dumbasses who walk into you because they're too busy texting to watch where they're going, the world is full of people who can't stand to be disconnected from their phones ... people whose phones are smarter than they are.

And so, as I sit here watching out my study window as the snow falls*, here is a little ditty I found this morning courtesy of Miss Cellania - The Get Off the Phone Song ...

Don't thank me, it's all part of the service.

Have a good day. Put down the phone. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Bringing NoVa to its knees.

Cartoon Saturday

If you thought December was going to be better than November, think again ...

South African national hero Nelson Mandela died at the age of 95; North Korea has released the 85 year-old Korean war veteran it held for more than a month in a typically North Korean fit of childish political pique; speaking of North Korea, Amnesty International has released new images of the vast network of North Korean prison camps used by the Kim family to keep the population in line; the US Navy has successfully launched a drone from a submerged submarine, proving its ability to employ drones for fishing as well as hunting; and in Mexico, clueless thieves not only stole a shipment of extremely radioactive cobalt-60, but opened the container to check it out, ensuring that they will die in agony of radiation poisoning before they can be caught and prosecuted for the crime. Today is also the 72nd anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor that drew the US into World War II ... a war which lasted less than half as long as the one in Afghanistan.

Boy, do we need the cartoons ...

Our collection of theme cartoons for this week deals with fish ... which seems appropriate in the context of the fishy behavior of our elected reprehensives.

What games do you suppose fish play in their spare time? ...

I wonder if some aquatic judge imposed it ...

Even fish can have family problems and issues ...

Getting in shape for the courtship season* ...

Clever idea ...

If we have loan sharks, what do sharks have? And how do they threaten their victims? ...

Here's a bonus theme set ... if you've ever owned a bird and were too cheap to buy the sandpaper liners for the floor of the cage, these are for you ... 

And ...

You just had to see this one coming ... 

Finally, I'm reminded of Val Kilmer's line from the hysterically funny movie Top Secret! ... "My name's Nick ... my father thought of it while he was shaving" ...

And that's Cartoon Saturday for this first weekend in December. We are less than three weeks away from Christmas, and the clock is ticking ... the tree is up and decorated, the Christmas cards and letters have all been mailed, and the gift shopping is partly done**. Yee-HAH! Now all I have to do is survive our first winter storm of the season, due to hit us with snow (not so bad) and ice (really bad) tomorrow. I think I'll spend part of the day with a few million of my closest friends, trying to buy lunch meat and toilet paper.

Have a good day. Avoid North Korea. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I had a cartoon many years ago (sadly, now lost) that showed two salmon valiantly struggling up a stream, with one of them plaintively asking the other, "Are you sure she's got a friend?".

** Go, Amazon.com!!

Why We Have an Economic Crisis

I have to go to the dentist this morning, and so I need to spend some extra time cringing and whining in the bathroom. This, of course, limits the amount of time I am able to spend on my blog. With that in mind, here are two examples of why we have an economic crisis in this country ...

and ...

What more can I say?

Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... I'll be back in stride then, and the post-dental visit drooling should be over*.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Sorry about that visual.

The Curse of Oprah

We've all had the experience of getting - somehow - on e-mailing lists that deliver information in which we have absolutely no interest. These messages may not necessarily be spam, but they are nuisances we didn't ask for and don't care about.

Oprah Winfrey and I are on a collision course over this issue.

About a year ago, an e-mail from "O, The Oprah Winfrey Magazine" turned up in my mailbox. "How on earth did I get on Oprah Winfrey's mailing list?", I asked myself as I selected the message and clicked delete without reading it. Oprah may be a nice lady, but my interest in anything she has to say is less than zero ... and, for the record, I have never, ever, read a single issue of her magazine, in print or on line.

The next day, I had another message from Oprah. I deleted this one, too.

This went on for a week or so, with one (and sometimes two or more) messages from Oprah arriving each day, each one offering weight reduction products*, print magazine subscriptions, the latest  Oprah Winfrey-endorsed products, etc, etc, etc.

About six months ago I finally got tired of the whole select message, delete Kabuki dance and opened one of the messages** in search of an unsubscribe option. All the way at the bottom of the message, in .00000769-point type, was a link for "O, The Oprah Magazine E-Mail Preferences." Clicking on this link brought me to a page that allowed me to opt out of a long list of various categories of e-mails from Oprah*** ... one at a time. There was no option to "select all." I duly unchecked each box, supposedly telling an Oprahdrone somewhere**** that I no longer desired to receive that category of e-mails from Ms Winfrey. Upon reaching the end of the list, I found a small notice in even smaller type, telling me that it might take several weeks for the e-mails to stop, and that I would continue to receive such information by snail mail.

Oy.

As it happens, I continue to receive e-mails from Oprah with the same level of frequency and variety of content as before. All of the categories of e-mails I'd indicated I no longer wish to receive have been magically reinstated on the e-mail preferences website.

I am suffering from The Curse of Oprah, and I think there's only one way to cure it without hiring a specialist from e-curseremoval.com - the same way that Oprah evidently has ...

So in the meantime, if you would like me to forward you Oprah's latest offers on weight reduction, TV schedules, magazine subscriptions, hair and makeup, fashions, or whatever, let me know and I'll forward you all the information you could ever want. And more.

Have a good day. Don't have it with Oprah if you can help it.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I'm stouter than I used to be in high school and college, but come on, now ...

** Not something one should normally do, as it sends a magic message to the sender telling him/her that some clueless chump actually opened the message.

*** All of them pre-checked to indicate that I wanted to receive this critical information.

**** Probably India, Bangladesh, or some such outsourced place.

The Ass Clown of the Month Award for December, 2013

Once again, the time has come to designate our Ass Clown of the Month - the individual or organization that, because of its egregious behavior, exemplifies the qualities of ass clownery that make us shake our heads and go he/she/they did what??

This month, the coveted award goes to ...

The Government of China

for its diplomatic ineptitude and blissfully tone-deaf approach to foreign relations in unilaterally establishing an Air Defense Interception Zone (ADIZ) which seeks to promote Chinese hegemony over a set of islands in the East China Sea that are claimed by both China and Japan. 

By taking this action and threatening foreign aircraft which enter the area, the Chinese have played into the hands of right-wing Japanese nationalists and have given other Asian nations with which China has territorial disputes a reason to doubt China's professed peaceful intentions. It is no coincidence that one of the first things that happened after China's announcement of the ADIZ was that the US, in a pointed gesture of support for its Asian allies, sent two unarmed B-52 bombers on a screw-you sortie through the zone without the prior announcement demanded by the Chinese.

All nations establish air defense zones. This is a legitimate defensive measure and there's nothing wrong with it. But by unilaterally imposing an ADIZ which reinforces a political demand for sovereignty over disputed territory (and overlaps defense zones already imposed by other countries), refusing to acknowledge that other nations may have legitimate claims over the same territory, and refusing to discuss or negotiate* the action, the Chinese Government has richly earned its designation as our Ass Clown of the Month for December, 2013.

Check the deed on your house ... the Chinese government may try to put a claim on it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Who do they think they are ... Republicans?

The Knockout Game

You may have read of the recent spate of random attacks in which young people approach a victim and strike the person as hard as possible, with the aim of rendering the victim unconscious with one blow. This bizarre and hateful activity is known as "The Knockout Game," and it makes you wonder what we've come to. Here's an excerpt from a longer article by CNN's Morgan Winsor ...

"Youth violence expert Chuck Williams blamed the media and parents for what he called extreme aggression by America's youths. Negative attention, he said, is often rewarded.

"'That's America. America loves violence, and so do our kids,' he said. 'We market violence to our children and we wonder why they're violent. It's because we are.'

"Williams, a professor of psychology and education at Drexel University in Philadelphia, said some young people are desperate for attention. He called it the 'Miley Cyrus effect,' where teens will do anything to get noticed, no matter how unconscionable.

"'These kids know the consequences,' he said. 'They want to get arrested. They want to get caught, because they want that notoriety. They know they won't go away forever because they're kids. It's a win-win all around for them.'"

What sort of example are parents setting, and what are we teaching our children when their idea of a game is brutally assaulting a random stranger? Are our children indeed so desperate for attention that they find it necessary to injure others in order to "be noticed?"

I think there are a lot of negative things coming together to create this unfortunate trend*.

One is the glorification of violence in television and the movies, much of it loud and cartoonish and not reflective of the real blood and terror that's involved with all the gunfire and explosions and fights that are choreographed in blazing color and thundering sound on the screen.

Another is the abdication of personal responsibility for one's actions, in which bad things are justified by all sorts of excuses that put the blame everywhere but on the perpetrator.

The increasing anonymity of modern life also plays a role. Our children spend more time in impersonal contacts on social media than actually dealing with real people, and this can make it difficult to relate to live, breathing persons. This is related to the idea I explored a few posts back about the lost art of conversation ... if you only communicate via SMS using OMGs and LOLs, it can be tough to actually talk to someone.

Many of us have an unfortunate idea that unlimited freedom is the ultimate purpose of America. Don't tread on me is one mantra ... leave me alone, it's a free country, and get the government off my back** are others. We focus completely on the rights of the individual, and ignore the responsibilities that go along with them.

If that's what you believe, you deserve what you get ... which might well be a starring role in some bored teenager's YouTube video for The Knockout Game.

Have a good day. Remember the Golden Rule. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I'm not a psychologist, just an observer.

** Unless I need disaster help, or a tax break for my business.

Odds and Ends

Time to clean out the Blog Fodder box ... or, at least, bring the backlog down a little bit ...

Amazon.com has announced that it is working on a system - available in about four or five years - to deliver packages direct to your home by drones. I like this idea. This is the future of Christmas presents for people you don't like ... instead of coal and sawdust, you can deliver a Hellfire missile from the comfort of your own home!

According to this article from NPR, a recent Associated Press poll indicates that Americans are growing more mistrustful. And why not? Politicians on all sides of any issue accuse each other of lying, identity theft is a serious problem, many charities pay their executives more than they deliver to those who need the help, and a staggering 81% of Americans think that the US government can only be trusted to do the right thing "some of the time." What are YOU lookin' at, huh?

A statuette of a bird featured in the classic 1941 detective thriller “The Maltese Falcon” sold for more than $4 million at auction last week. I hope it wasn't purchased as a gift ... that's a lot of money to give someone the bird, ha, ha.

According to this article from last May, scientists are finding more and more hopeful signs that there may be distant "exoplanets" similar to earth. This may not be the best of all possible worlds, after all ... sorry, Dr Pangloss.

And that's your selection of odds and ends from the Blog Fodder file. It is now time to head back to work, my Thanksgiving break being over. Sigh.

Have a good day in this, one of all possible worlds. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

How to Tell Where a Driver Is From

This is an old piece, but it keeps showing up in new versions with new drivers added. Thanks to my friend Bob for sending this latest version of the chart which allows you to tell, at a glance, the place of origin of a driver ...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn - Chicago.

One hand on wheel, one finger out window - New York.

One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic - New Jersey.

One hand on wheel, one hand paging through newspaper, foot solidly on the accelerator - Boston.

One hand on wheel, one hand gripping nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, and gun in lap - Los Angeles (male).

Steering with knees, one hand gripping nonfat double decaf cappuccino, one hand applying makeup, cradling cell phone, both feet on accelerator, and tiny dog in lap - Los Angeles (female).

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - Ohio, but driving in Los Angeles.

Both hands gesticulating wildly in the air, both feet on the accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, foot on brake, playing video game on cell phone - Seattle. 

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window - Texas.

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna - West Virginia.

Two white-knuckled hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above dashboard, driving 35 in the left lane on the Interstate with the left blinker on - Florida.

Steering with left knee, right foot keeping accelerator fully depressed, texting with both hands, shouting into cell phone cradled on one shoulder - Washington, DC.

Left lane, 250 mph, headlights flashing to clear oncoming traffic - Germany.

Any other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

If you visited this space yesterday and were horrified to find no post, I'm sorry. I got a late start because our granddaughters spent the night, and Leya insisted that Agnes and I both be in bed when she got up so that she could wake us up. Naturally, she slept late, and consequently I got a much later start than usual and never recovered my normal schedule. On the plus side, it is nice to be awakened by your grandchildren (even if it consists of them jumping on the bed and screaming BOO!), and we did get the Christmas tree up and decorated. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But now it's time for Cartoon Saturday ...

An 85 year old American veteran of the Korean War, arrested during a visit to North Korea, is said to have "issued an apology" for his actions*; US airlines are being told to comply with a Chinese air defense identification zone, even though the US government does not recognize its legality; a man evidently set himself on fire before entering a church in Maryland, where the resulting blaze killed two people and left a third critically injured; four people were killed when a small plane crashed in a remote Alaska town; and in Afghanistan, a two year-old boy was mistakenly killed and two women injured in a drone strike.

It's been a long month, and we need the cartoons as much as ever ...

This week's theme cartoons concern those wonderful software packages we just can't live without ... apps ...

You can carry sexting a bit too far sometimes ...

During the Industrial Revolution, workers were upset at being replaced by machines. But now there's an app for that ...

Do apps come in various calibres? ...

We can wax metaphysical on the subject ...

Had Edgar Rice Burroughs lived in 2013, might things have been different? ...

These were state-of-the-art apps when Mike and I first started calling ...

Congress works to different metrics than the rest of us ...

Your clever pun cartoon for this week ...

I think this is where Leya gets her jokes ...

Finally for this week, this is how I would do it** ...

And that, as they*** say, is that for the last edition of Cartoon Saturday for November of 2013. 

I hope you all had a grand Thanksgiving. We had two, the second of which featured an alternative menu necessitated by the fact that we were all still pooping feathers from the first one ... on Thanksgiving Day, by unanimous request from Leya and Elise, Agnes made a huge pot of her ever-popular Creamy Goulash, accompanied by her creamed spinach and a pot of homemade spaetzle courtesy of our daughter Yasmin. I think we have decided that future Thanksgiving feasts at Chez Bilbo will be goulash-, rather than turkey-based. I also hope that you avoided the urge to spend Thanksgiving Day**** shopping, rather than spending the time with family and friends. 

Tomorrow is December 1st ... if you haven't gotten your Christmas tree up, your cards addressed, and your shopping done, now would be a good time to start. If you need a copy of my Christmas wish list, just e-mail me and I'll send you one.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Yeah, right ... we know all about North Korean-style "apologies."

** Although I would keep the whole "off with their heads" thing, because it can be very satisfying.

*** And just who are "they," anyhow?

**** I actually heard it referred to as "Gray Thursday" on the radio. Oy.

Thanksgiving, 2013

It's early on this bitterly cold morning here at Chez Bilbo. Agnes is still asleep and all is temporarily peaceful and quiet. This condition will, of course, change radically when our daughter and the grandchildren arrive, but for now I'm just enjoying the silence.

Today is the holiday we here in America call Thanksgiving. Most cultures throughout history have had some form of feast to celebrate a good harvest, but the American version of the holiday dates back to the year 1621 when a group of Pilgrims sat down with the Indians who had, quite literally, saved their lives, to celebrate not just their first successful harvest, but their very survival in a strange and dangerous new world. The official Thanksgiving holiday dates to 1863, when President Abraham Lincoln decreed the last Thursday in November as a "national day of thanksgiving." In 1941 Congress - then, as now, always willing to fix things not requiring fixing while ignoring real problems - designated the fourth Thursday in November as the official Thanksgiving holiday.

There are many traditions associated with Thanksgiving. It's a time for families to gather and presidents to pardon a few turkeys, and it marks the traditional start of the Christmas holiday season (which nowadays, of course, begins just after the Fourth of July).

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. In a crazy world in which we too often focus on the negatives, it's good to have a day on which we can sit back and reflect on the things that are good in life ... the things for which we can be truly thankful. On this Thanksgiving Day, Bilbo the Cynical Curmudgeon yields the blog to Bilbo the Reflective Grandpa to think about some of the things that are right with the world ...

A beautiful wife that makes getting up every morning worthwhile;

Three loving and successful children who have made their own marks on the world;

Six adorable, intelligent, and loving grandchildren that can warm the most jaded heart;

The world's best daughter-in-law;

A job (for the time being, anyhow);

A home (where the mortgage company lets me stay in exchange for large payments);

Good health (for a geezer-in-training);

The good fortune to be able to live in a country which, for all its faults, gives me the opportunity to enjoy all of them;

The ability to write what I wish in this space without worrying about the heavy hand of the censor;

The ability to enjoy the good things of the world that would be denied by those whose harsh and intolerant worship of a jealous and angry God ignores the beauty and possibilities of the present in favor of a belief in an imagined paradise in an unknowable future.

I have many things to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. And as I get ready to finish cleaning the house and preparing to greet our friends who will join us later in the day, it's only right and proper that I should take a few minutes to acknowledge that I am, as ever, most richly blessed.

I wish all of you, Dear Readers, the very happiest and safest of holidays.

Have a good day. Give thanks for the good things you have and the bad things you don't. And stay home and relax tomorrow ... you'll thank me.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo