Wednesday, August 11, 2010


It's interesting to look at how people choose their pets. Many years ago at home we had a canary (it's a long story, and Green Canary knows the whole thing). When I first got together with Agnes I had to learn to cope with her pet cockatiel that she allowed to fly around the apartment, and which would stand on the paper and peck at the pen as I wrote letters. In our neighborhood we have lots of yippy nuisance dogs that get hysterical and pee themselves at the drop of a hat, and we have - of course - Nessa, our ever-popular guest poster. Nessa is what I think of as a real dog ... big and loud enough to be intimidating and provide security, but friendly enough that I don't have to worry she'll eat the neighbors' children. Or their annoying yippy nuisance dogs.

What I really don't understand, though, is the idea of inanimate or robotic pets. Remember the Pet Rock craze? Or the little Japanese toy (I don't remember the name any more) that you had to feed and bathe and care for or it would "die?" And why would you want a robotic dog, for pete's sake? After all, it might actually be a sinister invader from another world, replacing your flesh-and-blood Fido with an electronic version as part of an insidious plan for taking over the earth. How could you tell if your dog had been replaced by a robotic animal? Here are fifteen potential clues...

15. He posts naked pictures of the cat on his Buttbook page.

14. When you command, "Fetch!", he replies, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."

13. He refuses to pee on Republicans out of professional courtesy.

12. His playful "mailman's here!" yap has been replaced by a maniacal, paw-flapping "Warning, Bilbo, Warning!"

11. Shorts out when he licks himself.

10. After he's mangled in a terrible explosion, his one-legged torso still pursues the mailman.

9. He routinely beats you at chess.

8. When you fake throwing a ball for him to fetch, you hear, "Projectile Analysis Module reports error Division By Zero -- Aborting!"

7. He not only chases cars, he catches them, drags them back, and buries them in the front yard.

6. He pages you when little Timmy falls down the old well.

5. He eats documents left lying around the house, presses his tail into the phone jack, and faxes them to China.

4. Three words: "Yo quiero Pennzoil."

3. He leaves tell-tale oil stains when he drags his butt across the carpet.

2. He no longer wants to hump your leg, but your vacuum cleaner is pregnant.

1. His run-in with the invisible fence makes for a fabulous Fourth of July spectacle. or menace? Think about it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Mike said...

"11. Shorts out when he licks himself."

Well my shorts are out when I ..... hmmmm ..... maybe TMI?

Wv: comiza - Some spanish word you would say with great emphasis, comiZA!!!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

If it doesn't pee on Republicans..what good is it?

Bandit said...

What about getting electrocuted when you pet it while lost in the woods with wet clothes on? See, you didn't know we knew that but Nessa told the whole story.

KathyA said...

Still laughing...
And our cat?.....

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Hilarious. I think the Japanese pet was a tamagochi.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...excellent post, sir...