Classic Put-Downs

It's the last day of my vacation, and I have to make up for two weeks of fun by cramming in all the things I didn't do for the last two weeks ... like pay bills, do laundry, row fast enough to keep the house in position (we've had enough rain to float a fleet of arks), etc, etc. There oughta be a law.

In the interest of saving time and energy, I thought I'd share this compilation of great put-downs posted by Miss Cellania a while back. You may have seen some or all of them, but all are great and can be pulled out quickly when you need a good, classic verbal body slam. Here we go ...

Lady Astor to Winston Churchhill: "If you were my husband, I'd give you poisoned tea."
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
Benjamin Disraeli replied, "That depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He had delusions of adequacy.

(Walter Kerr)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

(Winston Churchill)

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

(Clarence Darrow)

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

(William Faulkner, speaking about Ernest Hemingway)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.

(Moses Hadas)

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

(Mark Twain)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

(Oscar Wilde)

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one.

(George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one.

(Winston Churchill, replying to Shaw)

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

(attributed to numerous people)

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

(Irvin S. Cobb)

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.

(Samuel Johnson)

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

(Paul Keating)

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

(Charles, Count Talleyrand)

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

(Forrest Tucker)

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

(Mark Twain)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

(Mae West)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

(Oscar Wilde)

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination.

(attributed to numerous people, and applicable to everyone running for President)

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

(Billy Wilder)

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

(Groucho Marx)

And now, Dear Readers, you are well-equipped to fire a well-aimed shot across the intellectual bow of those who irritate you. Of course, if the list of those who irritate you is as long as mine is, you'll need more put-downs. I'm working on it.

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow for the Return of Cartoon Saturday!

More thoughts then.

Bilbo