Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Guest Post

Yes, it's me, Santa ... and I'm pissed. You think you've got problems? Let me tell you ...

Thank goodness for cheap cloud storage, or I'd never be able to keep up with my Naughty List, which is longer than it's ever been. I can keep the Nice List on a 256K floppy and still have room for my Christmas card list, which isn't very long nowadays.

The Chinese are burning coal faster than I can buy it up to fill stockings for you sorry lot. Thank goodness I can still get plenty of poisonous mine tailings and spilled oil sludge to make up the difference, even if the price is going through the roof.

And the elves - I can't get the damn elves to work ... all they want to do is hide on shelves and drink egg nog and giggle all the time.

What's up with you, Congress? If I can get a bunch of lazy elves to churn out enough toys for every child on earth - and deliver them all in one friggin' night, no less - I'd think you could do something productive, like pass a damn budget. No. All you want to do is poke fingers in each others eyes and stage stupid gotcha votes on things you know have no chance of passing. Sit down and play nicely together, you idiots.

All you morons running for president are looking at a pretty bleak Christmas morning. Especially you Republicans - since you want to keep all the damn foreigners out, I won't be able to get a tourist visa to bring you the coal and sawdust that's all you deserve. And you Democrats need to get a clue as well ... you're more socially conscious than the Republicans, but you need to figure out how to pay for everything you want to do.

Nobody's getting any guns for Christmas. - you've got way too many already. I'm tired of drunks shooting at Rudolph's nose, and refusing to do anything to help reduce gun violence won't just get you on my Naughty List ... I'll pass your name to the other guy with a red suit whose name begins with "S," and I can pretty much guarantee you don't want to be on his list.

That's all for now. Get your heads out of your butts and start showing a little Christmas spirit, or else. The NSA* and I see you when you're sleeping, know when you're awake, and know if you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness sake.



P.S. - Bilbo says to be sure to cast those votes for Ass Clown of the Year, and reminds you to come back tomorrow for more thoughts.


* I had to subcontract the surveillance job ... I'm too busy supervising all those damn elves.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

That's a new, edgy side to Santa. You can bet I won't sit in his lap!

Mariette said...

The thought of NSA watching me is scary.

evil, did Santa get a stiffie when you were in his lap?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

He's no longer a jolly old elf.

Linda Kay said...

I get to see how the TSA has tightened up security on Friday morning. Looks like Santa needs a little cup of tea and a massage!

Mike said...

NSA - Nasty Santa Association?

Grand Crapaud said...

Maybe he needs to hear "Santa Baby."