Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How to Improve Presidential Campaigns, Part 2


You may recall that I wrote a post back on December 10th titled How to Improve Presidential Campaigns, which included things like cage fights instead of "debates" and a requirement for candidates advocating military action to have actually served in the military. Some of you offered your own ideas, including John (who advocated shorter campaign seasons), and allenwoodhaven (who proposed electrified platforms for campaign debates that would deliver painful shocks to the bare feet of candidates who didn't answer the question that was asked, or went off on tangents). But I'm always on the lookout for new ideas, and I found one today as I was reading this article from Salon.com - It’s Time to Call Foul on the Cruelty of Beauty Pageants: Trump May Not Own the Miss Universe Pageant Anymore, but His Dehumanizing Worldview Permeates All Beauty Pageants.

The article, as you have probably guessed, is a fierce diatribe against beauty pageants that objectify young women. But although in our more enlightened era beauty pageants may no longer be as acceptable as they once were, I think they may have a role to play as a way of winnowing down the field of presidential candidates. Consider these new elements of the new Presidential Pageant:

The Tuxedo (for men)/Pantsuit (for women) Competition. Since we seem to pick our candidates on curb appeal* rather than intellect, why not replace useless "debates" with a series of evaluation events hosted alternately by GQ and Women's Wear Daily to help us evaluate candidates on the basis of their wardrobes?

The Speedo (for men)/Bathing Suit (for women) Competition. If the thought of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton as president horrifies you, imagine how they'd come across in this competition. Look at it as a way to see what the candidates have to hide.

The Talent Competition. In a "normal" beauty pageant, the contestants do things like play the piano, sing, dance, or (I'm not making this up) field-dress a deer they've shot. The talent competition for presidential candidates might include events like Speed Lying, Fund Raising, Law Skirting, and Creative Blather (which evaluates the candidate's ability to talk for a given period of time without actually saying anything).

The Interview. Candidates are asked a series of softball questions by a tame media representative of their choice, and are evaluated on their ability to provide evasive or non-germane answers.

At the end of the pageant, the winner would be crowned President and make a poised and dignified walk across the stage while a chorus sings the traditional song, "There he/she is, Mister/Madame President!**"

It could work ... and it's certainly no more cynical and demeaning than the current process. What do you think?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Term borrowed from the real estate field, but it also applies here ... perhaps we need signs posted everywhere that say "curb your candidate."

** Based on the traditional Miss America song.

9 comments:

eViL pOp TaRt said...

The thought of those guys competing in speedos would make me hope for rule by a junta or warlord. Oops, we have that already,

John Hill said...

Probably best not to get Steve Harvey to work the pageant event...

Gonzo Dave said...

It'd be a heckuva lot faster, at least...

Linda Kay said...

Certainly more entertaining! And let's say it just lasts for a couple of days?

Mike said...

Are you saying when we revive our 'Bilbo for President' movement you're going to do all these things? Do I have to watch the speedo event?

Mariette said...

I second Mike's hint.

Big Sky Heidi said...

I would not vote for anyone who could not dance.

Bilbo said...

Well, I've got the Heidi vote!

allenwoodhaven said...

Very amusing! A lot of potential in these proposals.