Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Services You Never Knew You Needed

Following a link from Miss Cellania's blog the other day brought me to an interesting entry on Neatorama: 10 Services You Never Knew You Needed.

Well, I don't need most of these services, although some could be useful ... I like these three:

#1 - Nostril-Hair Notification. As we get older, hair tends to grow in unusual and frequently unwanted places, like our ears and nose. Although nose hair serves a biologically useful function, if it becomes unkept it can be unpleasant, and it's equally unpleasant and uncomfortable to have to draw someone's attention to the need to trim it. An online site called "Chololi" will anonymously e-mail the individual (using your desired degree of snark) to let them know it's time to bring out the trimmer. As I write this, Chololi's website claims to have 14,967 nose hair saves. Act now.

#5 - Ear-Cleaning Parlors. Got too much wax in your ears? Reluctant to dig with cotton swabs? In Japan, there are plenty of ear-cleaning parlors that can help you out, using little bamboo sticks called mimikaki. They're bound to be in California, too.

and ...

#7 - Grandma Rentals. Need some TLC? Don't have a traditional loving grandma? A California company called Rent-a-Grandma specializes in "placing caring women, possessing deep life experience with families as Nannies, Baby Sitters, and in-home Care Providers, as well as chefs, cooks and highly experienced domestic staff." Their website also offers brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and oatmeal-raisin cookies for sale, just like grandma used to make. Dig in.

Of course, I can think of a lot of other useful services that someone could make a living by providing. Here are two of my suggestions:

Telemarketing Vengeance. A person with the right technical know-how could probably make a small fortune developing a system that would allow customers to ring back the numbers of persistent telemarketers multiple times per day between 8:00 AM and 9:00 PM (or as early or late as the telemarketer has called).

Subcontracted Road Rage. In the 1932 movie "If I Had a Million," Rollo la Rue (played by W.C. Fields*) is perpetually enraged by bad drivers. When a benefactor gives him a million dollars, La Rue and his wife buy a fleet of used cars, hire a driver for each, and then travel in convoy with them. When another driver commits an infraction, the La Rues signal one of their drivers, who pulls out and rams the offending car. Given the traffic and the terrible drivers here in DC, I'd probably pay good money for a service like that ... except that I'd also use them to box in people who park so as to occupy multiple spaces in public lots.

You-Look-Stupid Alerting. If, like me, you are offended by clueless idiots who stroll around with their pants halfway down their backsides, exposing their underwear, you may need this service. It would consist of individuals who will approach these dumbasses on your behalf and suggest that they dress like real people and not like Joe Poop the Rag Boy*. 

How about you? What niche services do you think we need? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


* A curmudgeon after my own heart.

** I could have used this service some years ago when Agnes's parents were visiting from Germany. Agnes and her mom had gone into a store at a local mall, and her father and I were sitting on a bench outside. A young man came slouching by with his pants about 2/3 of the way down his backside and suspenders dragging on the ground. Dad broke out in laughter, and the kid turned and glared at him ... I thought for a moment I was going to have to fight him unless he tripped over his pants and fell down first. Fortunately, he just grunted inarticulately and slouched on.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

Those are great ideas for the Trumpian economy. What about wedding kibitzers? These are people who attend weddings, comment on the bride's dress, her putative virginity, the groom's looks, and speculate how long the marriage is likely to last.

And there's dog poop sanitation workers. To keep things hygienic and specialized.

Alt fact wranglers can help with this new species of cattle.

Mike said...

Maybe Agnes' dad laughed some sense into a bottom dragger.

Duckbutt said...

We have a sore need for Dutch uncles who tell politicians when they said something stupid.

allenwoodhaven said...

A You-Are-Acting-Stupid Alert would be great too but it'd be going off constantly, especially in Congress and The White House.

So glad to see the W.C. Fields movie reference. That's a classic that I've told others about for years.