Literacy, Graphed

Today is a minimalist post day...way too much to do, and far too little time to do it in.

Thanks to Miss Cellania for turning me on to this wonderful chart from GraphJam.com ...

I'm glad to see that Harry Potter is in a good spot...validates my choice of recreational literature...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Snow Jobs

No, today I'm not talking about the ones that Congress foists off on us all the time...I'm talking about the one that's headed our way from the west.

Yes, a mighty winter storm has dumped 42 inches of snow on Alpine Meadows, California, near Lake Tahoe, and a foot of snow was forecast to fall in parts of Iowa and in Minneapolis. That's a lot of snow. In Chicago, more than 300 flights were canceled at O'Hare International Airport, which is a good reason to fly via Atlanta and other southern airports during the winter.

Yep, winter's on the way.

Yesterday, Amanda put up a clever post that reminded us here in the northern hemisphere that the Christmas season is in the middle of summer in Australia...she notes that "I'm used to watching movies on TV and listening to Christmas songs about snow, warm fires and the cold while sweating in my tank tops," and included an Australian version of "Jingle Bells." Check it out.

I had the Warm Christmas experience many years ago when I was living in Shreveport, Louisiana - there were years when we sat in the front yard in shorts and t-shirts on Christmas Eve...and somehow it just didn't seem right. That was also the place where the local kids scammed newcomers by selling us big bunches of mistletoe...before we learned that it grew on every tree.

But now, here I sit in Northern Virginia. Outside my study window the rain is pouring down and the snow is expected to arrive this weekend. By the time it gets here, we probably won't get much actual snow, but that's okay - snow is pretty while it's falling and looks beautiful as it blankets the world in soft white billows, but it's a pain in the gazootie if you have to drive in it, and you don't need to shovel rain.

Nevertheless, "I'm Dreamin' of a Wet Christmas" doesn't have quite the right holiday ring to it.

So, I guess we'll take what we get. My snow shovels and my bags of ice-melting crystals are ready, the propane tank that fuels the fireplace is full, we have lots of DVDs and 784,000 channels of cable TV to watch, and the pantry and freezer have plenty of supplies to carry us through a few days of being snowed in.

As opposed to being snowed under. That's Congress's job, and they're good at it.

At least they're good at something.

Have a good day. Stay warm and dry. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

People NOT on my Christmas Gift List

With the economy being the way it is, I've been looking for ways to cut back on expenses. Sadly, one way I'm cutting back is by slashing the list of people who can expect Christmas gifts for me. As of today, the list includes:

1. All Members of Congress, of either party (although I have asked Santa, in the spirit of the season, to compensate by giving all of them extra rations of coal and sawdust in their Christmas stockings).

2. All TV and Radio talking heads. If you know so darned much, stop talking and fix things.

3. The person who invented the automated voice-answering system that you have to deal with before you can talk to a real person. Who is probably in Ouagadougou, anyhow.

4. Companies who outsource their telephone service lines to places where nobody speaks English:

Bilbo: "I'd like to speak with someone about this month's statement."

"Customer Service" Person: "Gushbaga wallim shabasdoopoo?"

Bilbo: "Never mind."

5. Morons who still haven't figured out that it's dangerous to talk on your cell phone while you drive ... particularly when you hold the phone to your left ear with your right hand so you can refer to whatever is lying on the seat next to you.

6. The programmer at Yahoo Mail who devised the lines of code that randomly: (1) fail to notify me of comments posted to my blog; or, (2) put comment notification messages in the spam file rather than the inbox.

7. Spammers who post bogus comments to my blog.

8. People who collect for charities by accosting you in your car while you're stopped at intersections (I'm specifically thinking of the firefighters who want you to "fill the boot" with money over the Labor Day weekend).

9. Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

10. Whoever came up with the dumb idea of making Christmas politically correct by calling it "the sparkle season," "the winter solstice," or some other stupid name. It's Christmas. It means something. Get over it.

Okay, the list goes on, but you get the idea. If you haven't yet received your Christmas gift, don't worry...it's in the mail. Trust me.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

I'm Mad, MAD, I Tell You, Bwa-ha-haaaaaa!!!

Did you know that there was a book out there called the "International Handbook of Anger"? I thought not. Well, there is, and you can order a copy for that hard-to-shop-for hothead for a mere $199 at Amazon.com. It will be published next month. If you can't wait, you can read about it at Yahoo News here.

Yes - if, like me, you are infuriated by Republicans, Democrats, religious zealots, stupid drivers, and other assorted dumbasses, this is the book for you. Everything you wanted to know about anger, all in one place. Think of it as a guide to survival in modern America as you watch evil bastards loot the economy with impunity, childish elected reprehensives bring the critical work of the nation to a standstill in Congress, and people get away with all sorts of things because they're rich, famous, or otherwise privileged.

According to a study documented in this scholarly tome, the angriest Americans are likely to be those who are young, less educated, and have children at home. Young people - those under 30 - are thought to be more prone to anger because they are susceptible to three major bringers of stress: time pressures, economic hardship, and interpersonal conflicts at work, with financial pressures being particularly important (especially in the current miserable economic situation). Raising small children can also be stressful, particularly for younger or less-educated parents, and can lead to anger expressed as verbal or, at worst, physical abuse. And finally, people who are less educated are less able to understand and cope with the pressures of the world around them.

Well...

I don't fall into any of those categories, but perhaps that just helps me target my anger better. I'm waiting for the book to come out so I can go to the library ($199 is a little steep, dontcha know) and get in touch with my inner Hulk. If I'm going to be angry, it's good to know that my anger is the subject of professional assessment.

Yep, I'm mad as hell ... which is hardly the right attitude to have less than three weeks before Christmas.

Sigh.

Have a good day. Channel your anger away from your children. There are plenty of Congressmen out there who are working hard to earn it.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Checklist for the Mindless

A few weeks ago I wrote a post titled "Just When I'd Gotten My Blood Pressure Back Down Again," in which I carried on at some length about the stupid 10-point ideological purity pledge the Republican National Committee had developed to help weed out insufficiently doctrinaire candidates from its ranks. As it happens, I wasn't the only one who thought it was as dumb as a brain-damaged anvil...last Sunday, columnist Kathleen Parker wrote a brilliant essay titled "The GOP's Suicide Pact" that said what I'd been thinking much better than I'd been able to. Take a minute to read the article. If you don't have the time, here are a few quotes...

"James Bopp Jr., chief sponsor of the resolution and a committee member from Indiana, has said that "the problem is that many conservatives have lost trust in the conservative credentials of the Republican Party ..."

"Actually, no, the problem is that many conservatives have lost faith in the ability of Republican leaders to think. The resolutions aren't so much statements of principle as dogmatic responses to complex issues that may, occasionally, require more than a Sharpie check in a little square."

And...

"Most of us know that decisiveness isn't always a virtue, yet those pushing the purity test seem to view nuance as an enemy of conservatism. The old elite corps of the conservative movement, men such as William F. Buckley and Russell Kirk, undoubtedly would find this attitude both dangerous and bizarre. When did thinking go out of style?"

When did thinking go out of style?

What a great question! Those of you who are my long-time readers know that one of my mantras is "Don't let anyone do your thinking for you." And yet this is exactly what the Republicans have done - they have reduced thought, nuance, and difficult thinking about complex issues to a 10-point checklist for the mindless, a reminder that - as Ms Parker says in her article - thinking people need not apply.

If you're a thinking person, I'm glad to have you on board with me. If you are the sort of person who sees everything in black-and-white, perhaps you'd be more intellectually comfortable somewhere else.

The Republicans are waiting for you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

An explosion caused by indoor pyrotechnics at a nightclub in central Russia killed 103 people and injured at least 140 others, eighty-five of whom remain in critical condition; a fire at a karaoke bar and discotheque in Medan, in Indonesia's North Sumatra province, killed at least 20 people on Friday; four murderers armed with guns and grenades stormed a mosque in Rawalpindi, slaughtering dozens of people - most of them children; and - surprise! - as new laws intended to limit abusive practices by credit card companies take effect, those companies are compensating by raising rates already averaging 14.9%.

And I didn't even mention Congress.

Whatever would you do without Cartoon Saturday?

I'm a week behind with this one, but better late than never...

And while we're on the general topic of ... uh ... fowl cartoons ...

Our latest weather forecast calls for rain changing one to three inches of snow later today. Gotta get ready ...

This one's for John, because you just can't be too careful ...

The awful truth behind the business headlines ...

And finally, if you don't get this one, just wait. It'll sink in ...

And no, Mike, "osmosis" is not what Dorothy was treated for when she came back to Kansas.

That's Cartoon Saturday for this week. Christmas is fast approaching, so why not join all the people at the shopping malls today, looking at the stuff they'd buy if their savings hadn't been looted and Congress could quit with the cheap political posturing and do something to bring down unemployment.

As fantasies go, I guess that's a good one.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Unemployment Geography

One of my coworkers sent me this very interesting link yesterday - The Decline: The Geography of a Recession. It's an animated map that uses Bureau of Labor Statistics figures to trace the growth of nationwide unemployment by county from January 2007 (about a year before the start of the recession) to October of 2008 (the last month for which official figures are available). The color-coding allows you to track the level of unemployment by time and location.

About the only thing I can say after watching the dark colors of unemployment march across the map is this: if you're one of our elected reprehensives with your head up your doctrinal backside, pull it out and start doing your job. This is not a time for saying "no" to everything the other side tries to do. It's not a time to score cheap political points at the expense of tens of millions of out-of-work Americans. It's a time to work together to put America back to work.

Get up off your useless backsides and do the jobs you were elected to do.

I'm too mad to write anything else. Good thing tomorrow is Cartoon Saturday...God knows I need it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - If you want to see something else scary, check out Mike's post featuring Bill O'Reilly. You'll really need Cartoon Saturday, then.

B.

Signs You've Gotten Carried Away with Christmas Shopping

Regardless of the state of the economy, parents try to make Christmas a big event for their children, and most of us are willing to go to ridiculous lengths and spend money we don't have in order to fill up the space under the tree and make the children happy. Here are a few signs you may have gotten carried away with Christmas shopping...

Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.

You're sure that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.

You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.

At 65% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not...your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!

The sign says "one per customer," but you calculate that they're not doing body cavity searches.

The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.

On any given day, you have more plastic on you than a full year's worth of Playboy Playmates.

In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Wii.

Your American Express bill arrives on a DVD.

Don't thank me. If I've helped you get over your obsession, it's reward enough. And don't worry about getting me anything exotic for Christmas...the traditional 5-pound box of $100 bills is always a good choice.

Have a good day. 23 days till Christmas.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Economic Crisis Hits Christmas

You knew it had to happen.

Yes, the world economic downturn and consequent downsizings and cutbacks have finally hit Christmas. A confidential informant has passed me a copy of a tragic North Pole memorandum, which I will share with you so you can make your own Christmas decisions...

MEMORANDUM

From: North Pole Enterprises, Human Resources Division
Subject: Management Initiatives
To: All North Pole Personnel

1. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

2. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

3. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

4. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

5. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

a. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

b. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

c. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

d. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. We have asked the assistance of the National Security Agency to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

e. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks is a prudent move in these troubled times.

f. Six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of an unsustainable decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

g. Seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. As the function is primarily decorative, mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

h. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC, and a male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to cross-train into a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

i. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

j. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten Out-of-Work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this year.

k. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

l. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

6. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

7. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, we will scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

8. For further information, or to make additional suggestions for practical and sustainable cutbacks in the Christmas Division, please contact the undersigned at extension 438.

Sincerely,

E. Scrooge
Chief of Downsizing Initiatives

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Useless News, a Report, and an Invitation

News Flash: Chelsea Clinton is engaged! Here's our man-on-the-street reporter with an update:

Man-on-the-Street Reporter: "Sir, what do you think of the news about Chelsea Clinton's engagement?"

Man-on-the-Street: "Who?"

Man-on-the-Street Reporter: "Back over to you, Bilbo."

In other news, yesterday evening fellow blogger Gilahi and I met at a local watering hole to share a few drinks, get acquainted, and discuss the solutions to the world's problems that are obvious only to those of us forged in the crucible of the 60's. Since Gilahi hasn't mentioned this earth-shaking event on his blog yet, let me just say that I found the self-described "aging hippie" to be a funny, erudite fellow with whom I have much in common ... particularly a sense of humor that appreciates the Marx Brothers, Steven Wright, and the immortal Red Skelton. Sadly, we only had two hours in which to solve the world's problems, which wasn't quite enough, so we've agreed to get together again and give it another shot. We can't do any worse than Congress.

The enjoyment of this meeting leads to the obvious question: which other Northern Virginia area bloggers would be interested in a holiday happy hour get-together sometime during the month of December? I'm thinking that the week between Christmas and New Years might be a good opportunity for a Bloggers' Happy Hour, as things (other than for those working in retail) tend to be at a fairly low ebb during that time. If you are interested, e-mail me and let me know so I can decide whether or not to crack the organizational whip and get things rolling. Only one request: if you're more than 30 years younger than I am, you have to promise not to make me feel too old. I've got grandchildren to take care of that, thank you very much.

Have a good day. Listen to the President's speech on Afghanistan tonight at 8:00 so that you can better enjoy the nanny-nanny-boo-boo commentary from the Republicans and the whining from the Democrats when it's over. You know it's coming...

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo