The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for February, 2016

Yes, Dear Readers, it's that time again ... the Friday when we name our first Ass Clown award recipient of the month. As always, it's difficult to make a selection from the enormous locust swarm of candidates, but it has to be done; and so it is that with the usual flatulent blare of trumpets I announce a group award to the

Right-Cheek Ass Clowns

for

February, 2015

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder

Flint, Michigan Mayor Karen Weaver

and

Flint, Michigan Emergency Manager

Darnell Earley

This month's award recognizes the stupendous level of ass-clownery that allowed both elected (Governor Snyder and Mayor Walker) and appointed (Mr Earley) government officials to save money by - literally - poisoning the people of Flint, Michigan. In April, 2014, the City of Flint's water supply was switched from Lake Huron (via the city water system of Detroit) to the Flint River - a move which was estimated to save about $5 million over two years. However, the water of the Flint River was heavily polluted and quickly began to leach lead from old transmission pipes into the homes of Flint residents. The result was an environmental and public health catastrophe that has cost at least $45 million so far, with an ultimate price tag to repair the water delivery infrastructure of $750 million to $1.5 billion and a medical bill of incalculable magnitude to care for the citizens poisoned by the tainted water. Mayor Weaver (who, to be fair, was not the mayor when the decision to switch the water supply was made) was quoted as saying that "This is bigger than the city can handle financially, so we need some federal assistance."

Yes, Dear Readers, the city and state governments that poisoned an entire city in a misguided attempt to save money are asking for financial aid from the tyrannical, overreaching federal government.

It is clear that the Environmental Protection Agency* should share in the award for having failed to sound the alarm over water quality even after discovering the problem early on. But while this was a tragic and unforgivable error, I believe that the ultimate responsibility for the disaster lies squarely on the shoulders of those who tried to solve their budgetary problems by putting cost-cutting ahead of public safety.

For their actions which poisoned an entire city and may ultimately cost the nation's taxpayers more than a billion dollars to repair, Rick Snyder, Karen Weaver, and Darnell Earley are named our Right Cheek Ass Clowns for February, 2015.

Don't use the local water when you toast them.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* An agency of the tyrannical, overreaching federal government.

More About Books

I usually get between four and six comments on an average post, plus another one or two on my Facebook page*. It can spike to ten or more when I have a post that generates a lot of interest ... say, with the word sex in the title or a topic that for some reason draws people in. This past Tuesday was an example - I got ten comments, plus another ten on Facebook, on a post about books we lie about having read.

The lesson is clear: to generate more interest and more comments, write about sex or books.

Today, I'll write more about books. If I write about sex, I'll just get depressed.

It seems to me that nowadays there are far too many books about zombies and about broken heroes and heroines fighting against corrupt governments/terrorists/serial killers.

Here's a list of books I strongly recommend instead of those:

The Inspector John Madden mysteries by Rennie Airth (The Blood-Dimmed Tide, The Dead of Winter, River of Darkness, and The Reckoning). These are well-written, cleverly plotted mysteries that span the career of a British police inspector from the end of World War I to the end of World War II. I've read them all twice, and am anxiously awaiting the new Madden novel that Mr Airth is now writing.

The Cliff Janeway ("Bookman") mysteries by John Dunning (Booked to Die, The Bookman's Wake, The Bookman's Promise, The Sign of the Book, and The Bookwoman's Last Fling). Cliff Janeway, the "Bookman" of the titles, is a retired police detective who now runs a bookstore, and manages to end up enmeshed in complex mysteries involving the world of books. These are great stories.

Also by John Dunning: Two O'Clock Eastern Wartime. This is a terrific mystery, set in a radio station in a town on the east coast during World War II. You'll learn something about radio production and how to generate cool sound effects while you follow a mystery that twists from the late 1800s to the 1940s.

River God and The Seventh Scroll, by Wilbur Smith. River God is a wonderful adventure set in ancient Egypt and culminating in the construction of a Pharaoh's hidden tomb; The Seventh Scroll fast-forwards to the present and the search for that tomb. The stories are vivid and fast-moving, full of adventure, sex, violence, and historical detail.

The Max Lieberman mysteries by Frank Tallis (A Death in Vienna, Vienna Blood, Vienna Secrets, Death and the Maiden, Fatal Lies, and The Melancholy Countess). Max Lieberman is a psychoanalyst  and disciple of Sigmund Freud in turn-of-the-century Vienna. He consults with the Vienna police through a series of marvelously complex mysteries full of historical detail about Old Vienna.

The True Believer, by Eric Hoffer. Hoffer was known as "The Longshoreman Philosopher," a self-educated working man with a brilliant mind and wonderful insights into religion and society. The True Believer is one of my all-time favorite books - a marvelous analysis of what makes ordinary people become political or religious fanatics.

Okay, that should get you started. If you have read any of these stories, how did you like them? And if you decide to read any of them on my recommendation, e-mail me and let me know what you thought. And what are your own recommendations?

So many books, so little time.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow, when we name the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for February. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

* More, if it leads to one of our famous pun contests, which can go on for days.

A Not-So-Uplifting Report

Sorry, Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood ... although your products may be seductive and decorative, a study conducted in France* reports that not only do bras not support the female breast and decrease back pain, they may actually be harmful in that they may in fact encourage the breasts to sag.

According to the results of a 15-year study led by professor Jean-Denis Rouillon of the University of Besançon, conventional wisdom is wrong and bras are a "false necessity." According to Professor Rouillon, who spent a decade and a half using a slide rule and caliper to carefully measure changes in the orientation of the breasts of over 300 18-35 year-old women at the Centre Hospitalier Universitaire (University Hospital) in Besançon, “Medically, physiologically, and anatomically, breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra.”

Indeed, after regularly measuring women who were not wearing bras, Professor Rouillon and his fellow researchers concluded that "on average their nipples lifted seven millimetres in one year in relation to the shoulders."

The researchers believe their findings suggest that wearing bras prevents the growth of breast tissue, which can lead to deterioration of the muscles that support the breasts. The breasts of women don't wear a bra get more of a workout and are, therefore, better developed.

Dr Rouillon was careful to note that the results of his study were preliminary, cautioning that “The small sample of 320 young women is not representative of the entire population – that would require something like 300,000 subjects.” The professor went on to add, “We will simply have to recruit a larger sample of the female population, and conduct further research."

I'm volunteering to do the data collection in this country.

Have a good day, and put a little bounce in your step.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Where else?

Books We Lie About Having Read

We all suffer from a wide range of frailties, one of which is a tendency to play fast and loose with the truth*. Despite that Biblical injunction against bearing false witness, all of us are guilty of lying at one time or another. Most of the time, the lies are relatively minor ("I can't come to work, boss, my grandmother's funeral is today"), sometimes they're significantly bigger ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinski"), and sometimes the stench of flaming pants is overwhelming (insert quote from any presidential candidates' debate here). And sometimes we lie about odd things ... like the books we claim to have read.

I ran across this interesting article the other day: The Book Most People Have Lied About Reading – and It's Not War and Peace. Leo Tolstoy's great novel War and Peace is actually on the list of the top 20 books people lie about having read (it's at #4), but the winner is - of all things - Alice in Wonderland. Go figure.

I think most of us want to appear to be better read and more erudite than we really are, which is why someone felt a need to compile a list of books people claim to have read. This is the complete list, with those I've actually read in italics**, and my parenthetical commentary added:

1. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll;

2. 1984, by George Orwell (if Mr Orwell only knew ...);

3. The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, by JRR Tolkien (I've read the whole trilogy at least half a dozen times over the years);

4. War And Peace, by Leo Tolstoy;

5. Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy;

6. The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes, by Arthur Conan Doyle (my favorites were "The Hound of the Baskervilles" and "The Adventure of the Speckled Band");

7. To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee;

8. David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens;

9. Crime And Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky;

10. Pride And Prejudice, by Jane Austen;

11. Bleak House, by Charles Dickens (I've always wanted to read this, and it's on my Kindle ... I'll get to it eventually);

12. The Harry Potter series, by J. K. Rowling (I've read the whole series twice, and loved it);

13. Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens (a gift from Mrs Smith's high school Humanities class);

14. The Diary Of Anne Frank, by Anne Frank;

15. Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens;

16. The Fifty Shades trilogy, by E. L. James (I feel like I should be ashamed to admit having read these, rather than Dickens or Dostoyevsky);

17. And Then There Were None, by Agatha Christie (a wonderful and often-imitated mystery);

18. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald (also in Mrs Smith's Humanities class);

19. Catch 22, by Joseph Heller (you can't have served in the military and not appreciate it); and,

20. The Catcher In The Rye, by J. D. Salinger.

So, I'm at 50%, having read ten of the 20 books on the list. The three great Russian novels on the list - War and Peace, Crime and Punishment, and Anna Karenina - are books I've always wanted to read, but just never got around to ... probably because of the sheer size and weight, although having read and enjoyed the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series, that's probably no excuse. And I think it's interesting that there are four novels by Charles Dickens on the list ... apparently, we believe that Mr Dickens is one of those people we're supposed to have read, but that many people of generations after my own haven't***. And I sort of feel guilty for not having read To Kill a Mockingbird, especially in light of the discussion and controversy over Harper Lee's new novel, Go Set a Watchman (which I haven't read, either).

My reading tastes are very wide and eclectic, and include plenty of brain candy as well as more substantive and thoughtful works ... the Inspector John Madden novels by Rennie Airth and the philosophical writings of Eric Hoffer sit side by side with the Repairman Jack stories of F. Paul Wilson and Stieg Larssen's stories about Lisbeth Salander.

So, Dear Readers, what do you like to read? And what books are you guilty of claiming to have read, but really haven't? You can 'fess up ... your secret is safe with me.

Have a good day. Read something good. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Especially if you are pursuing a career in investment banking or politics.

** No, really!

*** He's one of those "dead white males" many people believe we're supposed to eschew in favor of more ... contemporary ... authors.

Musical Monday

Another of my favorite performers is Nanci Griffith, a lady with a beautiful voice whose songs cover a wide range of styles and topics. This was the first of her songs that I ever heard, and I've since spent a small fortune buying up her CDs and tracking down her videos on YouTube. I like the ethereal quality of the video, which matches her delivery ...

Make your reservations at the Late Night Grande Hotel now, before prices go up.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

No commentary necessary ...

Everything We Don't Want Them to Know 

by Maria Mazziotti Gillan 

At eleven, my granddaughter looks like my daughter
did, that slender body, that thin face, the grace
with which she moves. When she visits, she sits
with my daughter; they have hot chocolate together
and talk. The way my granddaughter moves her hands,
the concentration with which she does everything,
knocks me back to the time when I sat with my daughter
at this table and we talked and I watched the grace
with which she moved her hands, the delicate way
she lifted the heavy hair back behind her ear.
My daughter is grown now, married
in a fairy-tale wedding, divorced, something inside
her broken, healing slowly. I look at my granddaughter
and I want to save her, as I was not able
to save my daughter. Nothing is that simple,
all our plans, carefully made, thrown into a cracked
pile by the way love betrays us.


Have a good day. Love your daughters and granddaughters, and come back tomorrow for Musical Monday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Two weeks ago, we were up to our earlobes in snow. Now it's in the 50's and raining. Oh, well ... at least I don't have to shovel it.

Italian actor Raphael Schumacher was killed when a stage hanging scene went tragically wrong; one person was killed and at least three were injured in Manhattan on Friday when a construction crane collapsed during the morning rush hour; one person was killed when a Somali airliner was crippled by a bomb ... the airliner made a successful emergency landing, and the man who was killed was apparently the bomber; six people, one of them a child, were found dead in a Chicago house; and a group of Chinese investors are planning to buy the Chicago Stock Exchange.

This week, in honor of the political and social positions espoused by some presidential wannabes, we feature cartoons about cave men ...

Do you suppose this is how the term "fast food" came about? ...

Exhibits were easier to curate back then ...

The tradition of opposing government support to the arts goes back a long way ...

Before camera phones, Facebook, and Instagram, there was ...

As I was saying ...

 

And then the fight started ...

Art criticism goes way back ...

High tech in the Stone Age ...

Grange Fair stand, 20,000 BC ...

It's always been a problem for hosts and hostesses to face ...

And there you have it: a Stone Age Cartoon Saturday for the first weekend of February!

Here in NoVa, the snow is continuing to melt and we're preparing psychologically for our presidential primary, coming up in less than a month. Let the stupid and insulting ads begin!

Have a good day and come back tomorrow for Poetry Sunday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Great Moments in Editing

Welcome to the first edition of Great Moments in Editing for February, 2016 ...

Watch out for that caffeine content ...

The police are always looking for clues. But then, so are most men ...

Do ya' think? ...

As niche businesses go, this one is pretty interesting ...

Ouch ...

I'm sure I would, too, particularly if I was still alive ...

Yet another example of the unfortunate juxtaposition of news article and unrelated photo ...

I'm surely glad we don't have to speak British ...

I'm sure there's an interesting backstory here ...

Those evil bastards from ISIS are taking every opportunity to exploit our weaknesses ...

And that's it for today's Great Moments in editing. Watch your coffee intake and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Screenjunk and Chartjunk

I’ve written a few times in this space about things that really get me cranked … about robocalls and other things; there have also been other posts in the distant past that I can’t find at the moment.

But I have yet another pet peeve to share with you … all the stupid, distracting crawlers and logos that occupy the bottom part of your TV screen when you’re trying to watch the news. You know what I mean … the “breaking news” headline about some cat stuck up a tree, the “weather update” that tells you to tune in at 11:00 for a weather update, the endless crawl of the stock ticker across the screen, and the spinning, pulsating logo of the station in one corner. AARRGGHH!! CNN and Faux News are notorious for these distractions, but every pretty much every news broadcast down to the local level is guilty. Here's an example , which in this case occupies about a third of the screen and provides multiple distractions:

I call this optical trash “screenjunk,” in a nod to what Dr Edward Tufte, one of the foremost authorities on presenting data and information, refers to as “chartjunk.” Chartjunk is what Dr Tufte calls anything put onto a PowerPoint slide that is not directly relevant to the point being made – company logos, distribution restrictions, unnecessary explanations, deliberate obfuscations, or unrelated advertising, for example. It’s distracting material that steals attention away from what should be the focus of your attention. Here are two particularly egregious example of slides drowning in chartjunk ...

This one, presented by House Republicans in an attempt to portray their view of the complexity of health care reforms proposed by House Democrats, is an excellent example of including unnecessary detail and unclear connections to confuse an already difficult issue:

Good luck with extracting useful, decision-quality information from either of these slides.

A related bit of annoying screenjunk is the ad for one show on a television network that plays on screen during another show. It’s tremendously annoying, particularly when the show you’re watching is one of your favorites, or is especially interesting.

Remember two famous adages: William F. Buckley's famous admonition to "eschew obfuscation," and the often-ignored advice to KISS - "keep it simple, stupid."

Have a good day. Say what you mean, without obfuscation and distraction. Everyone will thank you.

See you tomorrow for the next installment of Great Moments in Editing. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Guest Post

Hello, again! It’s me … Clara … you know, Bilbo and Agnes’s granddog.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to write anything here ... my last guest post was back in August of last year! Bilbo usually keeps a pretty close watch on his computer, and in any case I don’t get to visit his house very often … he thinks I’m too excitable, just because I run around the house at top speed and jump from chair to chair and try to poach yummy stuff from the kitchen counter. What a spoil sport.

Well, anyhow, I had a chance to get my paws on the computer again, so I thought I’d give you some more of my dog’s-eye perspectives on a few things.

First of all, I heard everyone making a big deal yesterday about it being “Groundhog Day.” So what? Who cares? What good are groundhogs, anyhow? If you want a day to celebrate an animal, why not have a “Dog Day?” After all, we do a whole lot more for you than any fat, stupid groundhog. Oops … sorry … I’m starting to sound like that Trump guy. Oh, and another thing about groundhogs: if I understand this right, you think that if some groundhog in Pennsylvania wakes up, looks around, and sees his shadow, winter will last for another six weeks. Are you for real? You don’t believe it when scientists tell you the climate is changing, but you trust a rodent to predict the rest of your winter? You people really need to go back to school.

And speaking of winter, I’m a pit bull. We have very short hair and we don’t get winter coats. And I’m here to tell you that it’s no fun to have to squat down in 21 inches of snow to do your business. So if you have a dog, give us a break during the winter, and make sure you clear us out a patch where we can do our business without getting frostbite of the backside.

I've been working hard on being a Good Dog. It took a long time to get back in everybody's good graces after I ate the couch, but my Lovable Clara Plan^TM seems to be working. Here I am, helping Elise play games on her iPad ...

And here I am, schmoozing with Bilbo. I'm trying to distract him so he doesn't realize that this is the couch I ate ...

I'll let you know in my next guest post if the Lovable Clara Plan^TM is still working.

One last thing ... I may be just a dog, but I think that (like most dogs) I'm a pretty good judge of character. And trust me on this ... if I get close enough to either that Trump person or that Cruz person, I'm gonna bite him. Think carefully about who you vote for. I like it here, and I don't want to have to move to Australia.

Bilbo will be back tomorrow to do his own post. Until then, arf!

Clara