At this time of year (actually, starting around Labor Day), we roll out all the classic Christmas music we've come to love over the years. These traditional tunes help lift our spirits and put us in the holiday mood, but one has to admit that they come from a different era. It's time we thought about whether or not those classic tunes reflect the ideals of inclusivity and safety we recognize today, and so I present some examples of how some of our popular Christmas music might be adjusted to better suit the legal and social needs of the present day ...
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight!
Review Comments: A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh can be certified as safe for transporting members of the public. This assessment must consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Safety considerations may dictate the use of two or more horses, particularly if the sleigh is to travel over extended distances which could not be safely covered on foot by stranded passengers if a single horse expires during the trip. Note: permission must be obtained from landowners before entering any fields considered private property. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, laughter must remain at moderate levels and bells on bobtails must be equipped with noise dampening devices to minimize undesirable noise pollution.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.
Review Comments: The International Brotherhood of Shepherds and Nomadic Animal Caretakers has filed a lawsuit alleging that long-established health and safety regulations are violated by forcing shepherds to watch their flocks seated on the ground, without the provision of appropriate ergonomic seating; therefore benches, stools, or orthopedic chairs (when required by a doctor's certification) must be made available on demand. The Brotherhood also demands that, due to inclement weather conditions frequently encountered during the Christmas season, flocks be watched either via closed-circuit television cameras mounted in grazing areas or by drone-borne cameras, monitored from inside centrally-heated and insulated observation huts. In addition, angels of the Lord must be prohibited from shining glory all around prior to ascertaining that each shepherd has been issued safety glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UV-A, UV-B and glory.
We Three Kings of Orient Are
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar.
Field and fountain, moor and mountain,
Following yonder star.
Review Comments: While the gift of gold, which is considered legal tender and may be redeemed at a later date, is considered acceptable, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are inappropriate due to the potential risk of allergic reactions from oils and fragrances. Suggested gift alternatives include hypoallergenic skin creams and lotions which have not been tested on animals, donations to worthy causes in the king's name, or gift cards from local businesses. Traversing kings should also be discouraged from relying on astral navigation; instead, use of a suitable GPS navigation device to provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption is recommended. Camels employed to carry kings also require regular food, water, and rest breaks, and animal welfare regulations require the attendance of at least one trained veterinarian for each three camels. Because the repetitive action of the camels' hooves on sand creates high levels of airborne dust and other particulates, wear of appropriate HEPA-certified face masks is required both for kings and any accompanying support personnel.
Away in a Manger
Away in a manger,
No crib for a bed…
Review Comments: Social workers will be surveying mangers and similar places of temporary lodging throughout the season, and may remove any child found there to a place of safety pending further action against parents or other persons who may be found guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. After a formal case study has been carried out and fully reviewed by the appropriate Child Protective Services organization, criminal proceedings may be instituted.
Little Donkey
Little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding
Onwards with your precious load.
Review Comments: The ASPCA has instituted strict guidelines regarding permissible maximum load and weight distribution levels for donkeys, mules, oxen, and other beasts of burden; these guidelines are carefully calculated according to the stature of the animal ("little," "big," etc). Additional guidelines govern feeding schedules and the number and duration of rest breaks required per given period (typically, four hours) of plodding. Due to the increased risk from inhalation of dust and other particulate pollution from primitive roads, HEPA face mask guidelines apply (see previous comment under We Three Kings of Orient Are) for both animals and riders. Reference to donkeys as "little" is considered demeaning to an animal of diminished stature; a simple "Donkey" is the preferred form of address. Finally, if donkeys (or other protected beasts of burden) are employed to carry loads characterized as "precious," the caretakers of said animals are required to carry, and show on demand to appropriately-identified officials, evidence of theft and liability insurance.
The Little Drummer Boy
Little baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That’s fit to give a King, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum
On my drum?
Review Comments: There are multiple issues here, beginning with provision of age-appropriate labor in the music industry for "little boys" who are, in addition, "poor;" this must be referred to Child Protective Services to ensure compliance with child labor laws. From both a public nuisance and a medical perspective, the sound of drumming, especially at night, raises noise abatement issues as well as the need to asses both the impact of repeated percussive noises on the developing ears of young infants and the potential for repetitive wrist injuries from performing excessive pa rum pum pum pums.
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Do you hear what I hear?
A song, a song high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
Review Comments: This song is, unfortunately, grossly insensitive toward individuals with diminished hearing capacity, and should not be performed without either subtitles or an accompanying sign language interpreter. There is also the issue of the effect of "a voice as big as the sea" on the unprotected hearing of audiences; a major study done by a team of qualified audiologists is necessary to assess the potential dangers. In addition, as noted above, noise abatement laws must be taken into account.
Ho, ho, ho and all that.
Have a good day. More thoughts coming, with or without musical accompaniment.
Bilbo
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