While numerous military experts have expressed concern about possible shortages of weapons for US forces as a result of huge quantities of supplies and equipment provided to Israel and Ukraine, little attention has been paid to an equally serious shortage key to the functioning of our government. I refer, of course, to the looming shortfall in superlative adjectives.
It’s certainly no secret that Der Furor responds to lavishly-applied flattery. You will no doubt remember the famous Cabinet meeting at which, with the news cameras rolling, then-Vice President Pence and every member of the Cabinet (with the notable exception of then-Defense Secretary Jim Mattis) heaped obsequious flattery on their boss. The tradition of servile bootlicking continues in the second reign administration of Der Furor, as Cabinet meetings continue to include lavish praise of the king president. The bombing of Iran by B-2 bombers using the world's largest non-nuclear bomb is "a spectacular military success" and a "courageous" and "bold" action that "no other president had the guts to take."
The problem, of course, is that there are only so many superlative adjectives available for use and so many times they can be used before they become linguistically shopworn and lose their impact. If you’re the last Cabinet member to speak at the meeting, your fellow secretaries have already used all the best superlatives, leaving you either to simply repeat the flattery they’ve already shoveled or try to jazz it up with modifiers like “historic,” “dynamic,” “world-changing,” "bold," "courageous," or simply, “very (insert adjective).” If you're White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt*, you need a larger staff and ever-frequent use of a thesaurus to mine new and more Fox News-worthy superlatives. Our government no longer has a staff of Daniel Websters, William Jennings Bryans, or even Ciceros to keep up with the need for fawning oratory to praise the surpassing brilliance of the king president.
It's up to you, America - your king president needs you to help replenish the National Strategic Superlatives Reserve (NSSR)! As past generations stepped up in war drives to contribute scrap iron, rubber, glass, and other used items needed to support the war effort, it's your turn to do your part by contributing newer, fresher superlative adjectives to keep your king president properly praised and uplifted in the eyes of his followers and the world. Don't let lesser strutting potentates like Kim Jong-un gain a strategic linguistic advantage - let the world know of the surpassing excellence of Der Furor in all things by contributing your fawning superlatives to The White House Press Office, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC, 20500, calling the White House switchboard at 202-456-1111, or sending an email to president@whitehouse.gov.
As Melania would urge you, help your king president "be best," if only adjectivally.
Have a good day. More thoughts coming.
Bilbo
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