Superlatives Needed!

While numerous military experts have expressed concern about possible shortages of weapons for US forces as a result of huge quantities of supplies and equipment provided to Israel and Ukraine, little attention has been paid to an equally serious shortage key to the functioning of our government. I refer, of course, to the looming shortfall in superlative adjectives.

It’s certainly no secret that Der Furor responds to lavishly-applied flattery. You will no doubt remember the famous Cabinet meeting at which, with the news cameras rolling, then-Vice President Pence and every member of the Cabinet (with the notable exception of then-Defense Secretary Jim Mattis) heaped obsequious flattery on their boss. The tradition of servile bootlicking continues in the second reign administration of Der Furor, as Cabinet meetings continue to include lavish praise of the king president. The bombing of Iran by B-2 bombers using the world's largest non-nuclear bomb is "a spectacular military success" and a "courageous" and "bold" action that "no other president had the guts to take."

The problem, of course, is that there are only so many superlative adjectives available for use and so many times they can be used before they become linguistically shopworn and lose their impact. If you’re the last Cabinet member to speak at the meeting, your fellow secretaries have already used all the best superlatives, leaving you either to simply repeat the flattery they’ve already shoveled or try to jazz it up with modifiers like “historic,” “dynamic,” “world-changing,” "bold," "courageous," or simply, “very (insert adjective).” If you're White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt*, you need a larger staff and ever-frequent use of a thesaurus to mine new and more Fox News-worthy superlatives. Our government no longer has a staff of Daniel Websters, William Jennings Bryans, or even Ciceros to keep up with the need for fawning oratory to praise the surpassing brilliance of the king president.

It's up to you, America - your king president needs you to help replenish the National Strategic Superlatives Reserve (NSSR)! As past generations stepped up in war drives to contribute scrap iron, rubber, glass, and other used items needed to support the war effort, it's your turn to do your part by contributing newer, fresher superlative adjectives to keep your king president properly praised and uplifted in the eyes of his followers and the world. Don't let lesser strutting potentates like Kim Jong-un gain a strategic linguistic advantage - let the world know of the surpassing excellence of Der Furor in all things by contributing your fawning superlatives to The White House Press Office, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC, 20500, calling the White House switchboard at 202-456-1111, or sending an email to president@whitehouse.gov. 

As Melania would urge you, help your king president "be best," if only adjectivally.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* The On-Crack Ass Clown for May, 2025.

The Unitary Executive and the Independent Legislature

There have been a lot of bizarre political theories advanced in the course of our national history, but two of the most bizarre and - in my opinion - dangerous have gained new currency in this era of conservative ascendence: the "Unitary Executive" and the "Independent Legislature."

The "Unitary Executive" theory maintains that all federal government power resides in the president, who has unrestricted authority to direct every aspect of the executive branch of the government independent of any oversight or challenge by the legislative or judicial branches. It has no basis in the Constitution as written*, but has been advocated by conservatives since at least the presidency of Richard Nixon and - especially - in the era of Der Furor.

The "Independent Legislature" theory, while legally dubious, at least has a tenuous connection to the Constitution, which delegates the power to administer federal elections to the states. The "Independent Legislature" theory grows out of an interpretation of how much power has been delegated to whom, and is based on interpretation of two relevant clauses in the Constitution. One is the Elections Clause (Article 1, Section 4, Clause 1), which reads, “The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof; but the Congress may at any time by Law make or alter such Regulations.” The other is the Presidential Electors Clause (Article 2, Section 1, Clause 2), which reads, “Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors.”

The dispute hinges on the meaning of the word legislature.

Advocates of the Independent Legislature theory insist that legislature as written in the Constitution means exactly that - the elected legislature and only the elected legislature - and that laws enacted and decisions made by state legislatures are not subject to review, challenge, or oversight by any other state-level actors, such as governors or the courts.

Both of these theories are wonderful devices for ensuring full employment for lawyers and pundits, but are questionable ... if not idiotic ... on historic and philosophical grounds.

It strains credulity to believe that the framers of the Constitution, having just succeeded in gaining independence from a king with virtually unlimited powers, would even consider creating a president with unbounded royal authority - a "Unitary Executive." The entire concept of separation of powers among the legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government argues against it.

The separation of powers also argues against the concept of an "Independent Legislature." In the absence of executive and judicial oversight, an independent legislature is no less threatening to fundamental freedoms than a "Unitary Executive." Any organ of government that can operate without challenge or oversight threatens the very nature of the government structure created by the Constitution, especially in states in which all three branches of the government are controlled by a single party.  

If you're looking for a convenient way to undermine the legitimacy of government and the truncation of our freedom, these two bizarrely un-American political theories are for you. Think about this when you decide how to cast your votes in the upcoming elections.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* This is conveniently ignored by those who insist on the doctrines of originalism and textualism when invoking the Constitution.

The Most Unfortunate Top-Ten (Plus) List

Like my friend Mike, I enjoy wasting time online, surfing from place to place, learning odd things and finding weird stuff. The Internet is the greatest time sink since ... well ... the invention of time sinks. 

Yesterday evening I was scrolling through my Twitter feed (which is as good a place to waste time as any) when I found a tweet in which the author proposed his Top Ten List of the most despicable people in America, and asked for other nominees.

First of all, I must say that I found it impossible to limit my own Top Ten List to (1) ten and (2) America. Without any effort at all, I came up with a list of 19 names. It's in no particular order except for first place, which is - IMHO - a lead-pipe cinch.

Der Furor - the individual I blame for making crude and boorish behavior acceptable, and a prerequisite for election to office as a Republican. An utterly self-centered and proudly immature con artist, misogynist, liar, and general waste of DNA who totally lacks empathy, gravitas, or recognizable interest in public service. Holds the record for largest number of Ass Clown Awards on this site.

Ron DeSantis - as crude and dangerous as Der Furor, but a little smarter and more devious. A two-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Kevin McCarthy - the man who sold the last shreds of his honor and dignity to gain a job he is completely incapable of doing ... because he sold the last shreds of his honor and dignity to get it. A three-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Paul Gosar - proof positive that anyone, no matter how deranged, can be elected to Congress in some places. A one-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Ron Johnson - Wisconsin is famous for its fine cheese and its most bizarre elected official. A two-time Ass Clown Award winner.

George Santos - a miserable serial liar and stain on the honor and dignity of Congress and those who elected him. 

Matt Gaetz - an attention hog with no identifiable qualifications for office, whose main job seems to be joining with other Congressional extremists to bring government to a halt. A two-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Empty G - a childish windbag less interested in representing her Georgia constituents than in gaining notoriety as a flamethrowing waste of time, space, and oxygen. A four-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Jim Jordan - the Ohio representative notable only for his faux-everyman attire and dismissive, berating style during Congressional hearings. A three-time Ass Clown Award winner. 

Lauren Boebert - a useless blowhard whose evident belief that loud and constant support of the open carry and worship of firearms is a legitimate substitute for legislative competence. Insists that religion should govern the nation, since it's worked out so well in Iran. A two-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Greg Abbott - the openly cruel and racist Texas governor who, in announcing a reward for the arrest of a multiple murderer, identified the victims (which included an eight-year-old child) as "illegal immigrants," as if that was at least as important as the actual murder. A three-time Ass Clown Award winner, including Ass Clown of the Year for 2022.

Rafael Cruz - the noisy, angry Texas senator with a very modest legislative record. A six-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Samuel Alito - the Supreme Court justice whose personal beliefs are clearly more important than the rule of law, legal precedent, and the traditional separation of church and state.

Clarence Thomas - the poster child for ethical cluelessness on the Supreme Court. An Ass Clown Award winner in April, 2023.

Josh Hawley - the man who seems to believe that toxic masculinity and support of the January 6th insurrectionists qualifies him for office. A two-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Lindsey Graham - the angry, lachrymose Senator from South Carolina who went from despising Der Furor to engaging in happily obsequious posterior osculation with him. A seven-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Vladimir Putin - the power-hungry Russian leader single-handedly responsible for the virtual destruction of the independent nation of Ukraine and the deaths of tens of thousands of Russian soldiers and Ukrainian civilians. A four-time Ass Clown Award winner.

Tucker Carlson - who? A three-time Ass Clown Award winner, including Ass Clown of the Year for 2021.

Kyle Rittenhouse - the immature, weepy, gun-toting individual acquitted of murder who has become a poster child for gun rights and the ability to beat the justice system. An Ass Clown Special Award winner.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Who are your nominees?

And by Friday, I need to decide on the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for this month. Help me out, here ...

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Eingebaute Vorfahrt

When I was living in Germany and learning all sorts of colloquial expressions to fill out my school-taught German, Agnes taught me the expression eingebaute Vorfahrt, which translates literally as "built-in driving priority." It's applied to expensive cars like high-end Mercedes and BMW's that often seem to roar up behind you on the autobahn, flashing their lights to demand that you get your lesser automobile out of the way so they can move on ... the drivers of such cars believe that their machines have eingebaute Vorfahrt.

I don't often have occasion to use that term here in the States (although I have used it once in a while), but I thought about it today when I read this interesting article in the Washington Post: "Are Rich People More Likely to Lie, Cheat, Steal? Science Explains the World of Manafort and Gates."

The article describes a set of experiments that tend to confirm the corrupting effects of wealth. The key takeaway is this:

"The findings build on similar research in recent years that suggests wealth and power strip people of their inhibitions, increase risk taking and feelings of entitlement and invulnerability. At the same time, power makes people less empathetic and able to see others' perspectives ... 'Wealth is basically a mechanism for power, and power has a freeing effect on people. It takes away the constraints of society and frees people to act according to their dominant desires,' said Adam Galinsky of Columbia Business School, whose experiments have explored how power often propels people's actions. In some cases, those desires may be altruistic or helpful to society, so power heightens those goals and can give rise to effective philanthropists. Often, however, power leads to self-serving behaviors unrestrained by the usual concerns over rules or the consequences for others."

Yes, what you long suspected is more than likely true - the rich are different, and the dominance of wealthy and powerful people in government ought to be of some concern, because ... well ... they have a whole different set problems and concerns from yours.

They have eingebaute Vorfahrt, after all.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

How to be Famous. Not.

What does it take to be famous nowadays?

You can risk your life to protect your fellow passengers by taking down an armed terrorist on a train in France.

You can join Doctors Without Borders and save lives in some of the most dangerous parts of the world.

You can be a firefighter, rushing into a burning building to save trapped children.

Or you could be Lamar Odom, marry a Kardashian, overdose on drugs in a whorehouse, and have the breathless media issuing hourly bulletins on your condition.

Be famous, but be famous in a good way.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

April Fools' Day

Today is Wednesday, April 1^st … the day commonly known as “April Fools’ Day.” It’s a day when people play practical jokes on each other and the media report bizarre, made-up stories with no factual basis*. April Fool’s Day has been a popular quasi-holiday since the 1800’s … it’s not an official national holiday anywhere, but it is well-known and widely observed in Canada, Europe, Australia, Brazil and – of course - the United States.

One of the best April Fool pranks ever was played by the Guardian newspaper on April 1, 1977, when it printed a seven-page supplement commemorating the tenth anniversary of the independence of the island nation of San Serriffe, complete with maps and themed advertisements from major companies. You can read the whole story in my April Fools’ Day post from last year.

Unfortunately, April Fools’ Day isn’t as much fun as it used to be, mostly because so many professional fools use the other 364 days (365 in leap years) to spread buffoonery far and wide, squeezing out the amateurs. It’s especially bad now, when we’re stumbling helplessly into the whirling maelstrom of foolishness of the 2016 presidential campaigns. You need only look at the presumptive candidates** to know that we’re in for an epic load of enormously expensive, world-class ass-clownery.

And it’s not just the politicians doing it.

Our stable of April Fools has expanded to include climate change deniers; people who reject proven science; anti-vaccination zealots; people who want the right to carry concealed weapons everywhere, no matter how inappropriate; and hyper-religious wingnuts (whether Islamic, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). And that’s just for starters.

It won’t be time to name April's Right Cheek Ass Clown for another week and a half, but today seems appropriate to give at least a sad acknowledgement to a man who would be a world-class contender for the award, and is a poster child for April Foolery – I refer, of course, to Indiana governor Mike Pence, who has twisted himself into knots trying to evade responsibility for his shameful “Religious Freedom Restoration Act,” which legitimizes bigotry by allowing anyone the right to use their religious beliefs as an excuse for denying rights to others.

Governor Pence gives the finger to those of whom he doesn't approve

Yes, Dear Readers, today is April Fools' Day. Perhaps it ought to be a national holiday, with parades, presidential statements, and non-binding Congressional resolutions. Heaven knows we have enough people to be recognized.

Have a good day. Pity the fools***. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Except for Fox News, which pretty much does that every day.

** Yes, Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton, I’m talking to you.

*** Where's Mr T when you need him?

The Old Hard Sell

Agnes and I don't watch all that much television, but when we do we have to grit our teeth and put up with the barrage of commercials for every product under the sun, no matter how obscure or inappropriate it is ...

There must be an enormous market for medications to treat erectile dysfunction ... there are certainly enough commercials for them. And what genius decides to run the commercials in prime time, when children are watching? "Daddy, what's an E-Dee?"

And how about all those ads for medicines to treat ailments you never knew existed? "Be sure to ask your doctor if supercalifragilisticexpialidoxycycline is right for you!" Why would you take any medicine that has a list of contraindications longer than the list of territories claimed by the Chinese government? "Don't take supercalifragilisticexpialidoxycycline if you are male, female, young, old, pregnant, not pregnant, allergic to any substance formed from any material in the periodic table of the elements, or have visited any location within or beyond the orbit of Neptune in the past 30 days. If you experience a sudden change of sex, turn into a cockroach, or have thoughts of running for Congress, stop taking supercalifragilisticexpialidoxycycline."

Oh, and there's a lawyer out there waiting to help you sue for the injuries you never knew you might have received from the things you never knew existed. "Have your Islets of Langerhans suffered damage from uncontrolled sea level rise? Call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe right now ... you may be eligible for significant financial compensation!"* The next series of commercials will no doubt advertise for participants in the class action lawsuits for the people who went blind trying to read the.00000000015 pitch font in which the fine print is written.

And let's not forget the ads for pawn shops, payday loans, and car title loans ... all of which show deliriously happy people singing, dancing, and waving great wads of cash ... who clearly don't realize they'll spend the rest of their lives paying insanely high interest on those loans.

Commercials. The reason God made DVRs.

Have a good day. more thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Not a cent of which you will ever see once you're done paying the legal fees.

Funding the Government

Well, Dear Readers, the needless government shutdown is now in its third day. A running poll conducted by the Washington Post has the average opinion on its length at 19 days as of this morning. That's 19 days of needless damage to the economy and shameful treatment of dedicated government employees who are furloughed without guarantee of receiving back pay (Congress, of course, will continue to be paid for doing nothing).

Because the current fiasco is likely to go on for quite some time, I thought it might be a good idea to consider some alternative sources of funding to keep the government running. Here are a few ideas:

1. Get some of the essential personnel of the National Park Service to cut the statue of Abraham Lincoln out of his chair in the Lincoln Memorial and search the chair cushion for loose change. On a chair that size, there could be millions of dollars worth of coins covered in dust, lint, and sticky pieces of candy.

2. President Obama could call up the presidents of other countries and ask if they have two tens for a five. Repeat as often as it works.

3. Erect a giant, airtight bag around the Capitol Building, trap the hot air, and use it as a source of free heating for government buildings unable to pay their heating bills.

4. Members of Congress could sell boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts at Metro stations and shopping malls around the DC area. It works for high school bands and other groups who do fundraising.

5. In lieu of airshows which have been cancelled, the Air Force could assign a single aircraft to each major US city to fly in circles towing banners asking for donations.

6. Hire underemployed Nigerian Internet scammers to send messages to random Americans telling them they have been selected to hold billions of dollars of Nigerian funds in escrow if they pay a large amount up front as a sign of good faith.

Those are a few of my ideas. Do you have any? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Remember this fiasco at the next election.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Professionally-Combusting Pants for Sale

I found this interesting article on the CNN Money website the other day, with this up-front disclaimer: "Warning: What you're about to read may not be true" - For Hire: Professional Liars for Job Seekers.

The article discusses a company called Paladin Deception Services which, for an appropriate fee, will provide professional, well-backstopped lies in support of its clients. Services can be as mundane as providing an alibi for a philandering husband to creating fully-documented resumes and references for people who have unfortunate job experiences in their background. Paladin states on its website: "We're the leader in covert disinformation."*

Is it real? The urban legend debunking site Snopes.com doesn't have anything on it, at least not yet, and there are similar, if less than full-service professional dissembling services available, such as CareerExcuse.com, The Reference Store, and Fake Your Job.

Paladin is upfront about the potential outcomes of using its services. This is an excerpt from their website's FAQ page:

Q) What if I get caught?​ (yes, the font on the website is in red)

​A) As with all things, there are risks. If the deception is uncovered, you could very well be terminated from a job or be in trouble with a loved one or spouse.

Paladin also imposes some limits on what services it will provide. These include (again, from their FAQ page):

No References shall be given for any Loans whatsoever;
No Employment with Law Enforcement Agencies;
No Employment in Education (K thru 12);
No Employment giving Legal Advice;
No Employment giving Medical Care of any kind;
No Employment with any Federal**, State, County or City Government Agency or Department; and,
No Employment with public or private jails.

Is it real? It seems legitimate, although I found enough typos and such on it to make it look a bit less professionally-designed that I'd expect. If it is legitimate, it's another sad commentary on the economy, the job environment, and the ongoing force of the commandment which admonishes that Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor.

Caveat emptor.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* This distinguishes them from Faux News and most Super-PACs in that they admit their specialization in disinformation up front.

** Nowadays, most people probably wouldn't want service in Congress on their resume, anyhow.

Of Secession and Poopy Heads

When the going gets tough, the tough ... secede?

Yes, Dear Readers, with the post-election apocalypse upon us, large numbers of Americans in at least 23 states are exercising their constitutional right to act like hysterical idiots by submitting petitions for their states to secede from the Union. Here is a brief message for these concerned individuals from their Uncle Sam:

And here is a similar message from the Director of the conservative Centennial Institute at Colorado Christian University, quoted in the article linked above: "Anyone who wants their state to secede from the union is someone whose brain has already seceded from their body.”

Most of the many media discussions of the flood of secession petitions note that rumblings of secession are not new. For example, they are a cherished tradition in Texas, which still believes it is a quasi-independent republic, rather than simply a "state" ... which would imply that the Lone Star State is not the center of a Copernican political universe. Texas politicians routinely flirt with threats of secession, insisting that the state could exist perfectly well without all that meddling from a distant federal government that, after all, contributes absolutely nothing to the economic life of the state. Well, except for all those military bases.

Go figure.

In other news, as Congress grits its teeth and collectively realizes that it may actually have to make some tough compromises on economic policy, anti-tax gadfly Grover Norquist* has come up with a new explanation for why - against all confident predictions from conservative pundits - President Obama won reelection: he managed to convince voters that Mitt Romney was a "poopy head." You can hear this insightful analysis at about 1:50:



And there you have it! Secede from the Union and get rid of the malign influence of all the poopy heads in Washington and all will be well. Brilliant.

Don't let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Winner of our Ass Clown of the Month Award for July, 2011.

Things I Can't Take Seriously

From the Department of Shameless Plagiarism comes this idea for a blog post, courtesy of my friend and former co-worker Jeff.

Yesterday, Jeff posted on his Facebook page a list of things he finds difficult to take seriously. I thought that, despite our positions on opposite ends of the political spectrum, his list was remarkably good, and I decided to seize the idea and use it to generate my own list. And so, Dear Readers, here is the (greatly abridged) list of Things Bilbo Finds Hard to Take Seriously, with my inevitable comments (items which overlap Jeff's list are in italics) ...

Weight Loss Pills - who can believe in this stuff? The only thing weight loss pills are guaranteed to help you lose is money.

Super Political Action Committees - any organization that's dedicated to buying elections while hiding the identity of the people who are buying can't be taken seriously ... but should.

PETA - Yes, we should treat animals humanely. No, we shouldn't act like utter morons while doing it.

The National Rifle Association - Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Of course, they usually use guns to do it, but why worry about that? - the Second Amendment says it's absolutely, positively, undeniably, and unchangeably right and proper.

Political Ads - Why spend all that money telling me what a bum the other guy is? I want to know what you stand for and what you will do. The fact that you can't or won't tell me tells me all I need to know about you.

Playing the "Race Card" - you can be black, white, brown, red, yellow, or any combination thereof and still be a despicable ass clown.

The UN - Not a bad idea in theory, but reduced to near irrelevance by political grandstanding.

Code Pink - Well, at least it gives clueless dumbasses something to rally around.

Shampoo Instructions - lather, rinse, repeat ... who the hell does that except shampoo manufacturers looking to double their sales?

North Korea - Let 'em eat nukes.

Unhinged Pro-Choice and Pro-Life Protesters - As if the social, moral, and ethical issues weren't tough enough, we get to listen to hysterical baboons scream past each other while doing absolutely nothing to solve the underlying problems.

Religious Bigots - worshiping God while dumping on their fellow man. That Motel 6 in the clouds ain't keeping the lights on for you.

Donald Trump - Absolute, undeniable proof that possession of huge amounts of money simply marks the dividing line between odious gasbags and rich, odious gasbags. 

The Democratic and Republican National Committees - living, breathing examples of the replacement of sound, principled governance with sordid power grabs.

Well, that's my starting list ... what's on yours? Leave me a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Fundamental Problems with DC

We all know that there are multiple problems with Disneyland-on-the-Potomac, and how to solve them ... after all, there are about 75 attack ads per hour on television and a dozen robocalls per hour telling you that everything is the fault of one party or the other (depending on whose super-PACs are funding said ads and calls). But the problems are more basic than just the avarice and lack of ethics of the various political parties.

Yesterday I took part in a conference at which the introductory remarks were given by a senior official who encouraged us to look beyond our individual organizational agendas to come up with real solutions to the issues we were assembled to discuss. During his remarks, he noted that there were two "fundamental problems with DC" -

1. "You're not the boss of me!"

and,

2. "I'm not paying for it!"

I know the gentleman who made those remarks doesn't read my blog*, so I can say this without fear of being accused of sucking up: I think he's brilliant.

If you peel back the layers of the onion of any major issue far enough, you'll come down to those two basic systemic problems. Think about it ...

In a city and a political and economic system filled with hard-charging, Type-A personalities, nobody wants to have to work for or answer to anyone else. Everybody has to be in charge. You can see one manifestation of this every time there's a major scandal** in the government ... the first thing that happens is that Congress holds hearings. Now, Congress never holds just a hearing (singular) - they hold hearings (plural). Every committee, subcommittee, select committee, caucus, and individual member of both the Senate and the House has to hold its own hearing because it perceives it has some sort of jurisdiction, however tenuous, that will allow its members to haul hapless witnesses to sweat under the C-SPAN lights while holier-than-thou members of Congress grill them in an attempt to demonstrate their power and authority and make the opposing party look bad. You're not the boss of me! - I have to hold my own hearings because you can't do it right, and I can gain some perceived advantage.

And the big problems never get addressed.

The other fundamental problem - "I'm not paying for it!" - is equally visible. Everybody wants the benefits and services that government can provide, but nobody wants to get stuck with the bill. This is why we have such a fiscal mess in the federal government ... taxes get cut, spending increases without regard to the loss of income, and the government has to borrow more and more money to bridge the gap and keep pleasing its various constituencies that want things for free.

And the "fiscal cliff" gets closer every day.

So, as you approach the election and think about the ridiculous ass-clownery that has replaced sober, representative government, think about the two fundamental problems. It won't solve anything, but it will help you understand where our government went off the rails ... and suggest how to get it back on them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Can you imagine that?

** Defined as "anything I can exploit to cause trouble for my political opponents."

Getting to the Bottom of What's Permissible ... So to Speak

One of the things for which America is justly famous is our freedom of (and from, but that gets lost on the Far Right sometimes) religion. The Founders had recent experience of the religious wars of Europe and didn't want to bring that horror to the new nation they were setting up, and so the Constitution makes it clear (in Article VI) that "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States," and the Bill of Rights (First Amendment) states that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

This is all pretty clear to me, if not to those on the Religious Right who insist that the Founders had a specifically Christian agenda.

But there are other places in the world where the wisdom of avoiding extreme religious belief is not quite as well recognized.

NOTE: the rest of this post is recommended for adults only. You've been warned.

I call your attention to this video clip from the website of the Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI). It features Abdallah al-Khilaf, a London-based Shiite cleric who answers religious questions posted in jihad-focused online discussion groups. In this clip from al-Khilaf's television program in June of this year, he addresses a question posed by a would-be holy warrior who wants to participate in a "martyrdom operation" that involves the use of explosives inserted into the ... um ... nether regions of his body, but is concerned about whether preparation of the appropriate orifice for such an "operation" violates Quranic prohibitions against sodomy.

You will no doubt be pleased to know that the tormented questioner's mind was put at ease by Mr al-Khilaf, who cited a fatwa (religious ruling) by a religious scholar who assured him that, while sodomy was forbidden in principle, it was acceptable when engaged in for purposes of furthering jihad ... although one has to ask God's forgiveness.

Maybe it's just me, but if this is what it takes to get God's attention, I'll just start going back to a church where they still believe in the old love thy neighbor thing, and skip the 72 virgins in paradise.

Have a good day. Worship according to your conscience, but remember that it isn't necessary to kill people who worship according to their own.

Bilbo

Faraday Cages, Revisited

Yesterday I was reviewing some of my old posts and found this one from back in August of 2007: The Unknown National Scourge of Faraday Cages. Amazingly enough, it's still topical.

In case you don't feel like following the link down memory lane, here's the Readers' Digest version: a Faraday Cage is an enclosure which prevents the entry or escape of electromagnetic radiation. Basically, it has two functions, one of which is to protect whatever is inside from the effects of unwanted external inputs. My theory at that time was that there was a gigantic Faraday Cage which covered both Capitol Hill and the White House, preventing the intrusion of unwanted facts and good ideas.

It's still there.

Republican pollster Neil Newhouse famously said a few days ago that, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.”

Yep. Those damned facts are pesky things, aren't they? And both parties tend to think that the only real facts are the ones which support their respective campaign positions ... whether true or not.

We're seeing a campaign of lies, distortions, and half-truths ... of hot air and slime and vast amounts of money that could be spent on better things.

And it's all protected by the mental Faraday Cages of the True Believers*.

Remember Bilbo's First Law: Don't let anyone do your thinking for you. And if you have your own personal Faraday Cage, put it in storage until after the election ... you'll find that the world is a very different place without it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* With thanks to Eric Hoffer.

'Tis the Season to Be Hypocritical ...

As you know, Dear Readers, I long ago soured on both of our major political parties, which are more focused on gaining and holding power and bashing each other than with actually doing anything. Some of you have also castigated me for being harder on the GOP than I am on the Democratic Party, which is a righteous criticism ... however, as I've said here before, because I'm a basically conservative fellow, I tend to hold the GOP (rightly or wrongly) to a higher standard of behavior.

Both sides engage in rank hypocrisy and tend to pander to the worst in our natures, but I think that the GOP clearly leads the pack in hypocritical stupidity. The most recent instance (leaving aside discussion of the GOP 2012 Platform for a moment) was yesterday's comment by Louisiana's Republican governor Bobby Jindal in response to President Obama's offer of federal disaster assistance to his state:

"'We appreciate your response to our request and your approval,' Jindal wrote. 'However, the state's original request for federal assistance ... included a request for reimbursement for all emergency protective measures. The federal declaration of emergency only provides for direct federal assistance.'"

So ...

If I understand this, the Big, Bad, Government that spends too much money and is far too involved in micromanaging our lives, is being accused by a rising star GOP governor for ... not spending enough money. He demands "reimbursement for all emergency protective measures." Perhaps it's just me, but I would have thought this was primarily a state responsibility.

Can you spell hypocrisy?

I have no problem with federal disaster assistance. I believe it's the right thing to do. However, I do have a problem with hypocritical political zealots who want it both ways: to rail against the evils of the big-taxing, big-spending "nanny state," but then to demand the funds and services only a "big government" can provide.

If that sort of buffoonery is okay with you, vote for the ass clown of your choice on November 6th.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

Have a good day. Ask the right questions of both parties, and demand clear, direct, non-hypocritical answers*. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Let me know if you get any. I'm not holding my breath, and neither should you.

Scaling the Loftiest Heights of Ass Clownery

We live in crazy times, and they're getting crazier all the time. In the words of Ellen Ripley* in the movie Aliens, "Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?"

Members of Congress who ought to know better act like idiots and spout the most ridiculous drivel ... and we accept it. Presidential candidates of both parties either lie outright or speak in half-truths and quotes taken so far out of context as to be meaningless ... and we don't call them on it. Far-right conservatives reject science and rational thought and believe it's perfectly okay to impose their religious beliefs on the rest of us, as if we were a paradise of peaceful coexistence like Pakistan ... and we let them get away with it.

The country I love is in trouble, and nobody really seems to be too worried about it.

As you know, I periodically bestow my Ass Clown of the Month award on people whose behavior is so outrageous that it deserves special mention. This month, I named the Ass Clown of the Month (Senator Harry Reid (D, NV)) far too soon, as it seems that August of 2012 has, for some reason, nurtured a bumper crop of complete morons whose behavior is beyond even my ability to appropriately satirize ... and the month isn't over yet.

I call your attention to this amazing story that broke yesterday: in Texas, Lubbock county judge Tom Head claims that if President Obama is reelected, it could lead to civil war. In remarks he made earlier in the week, Judge Head claimed that the President and his "minions" had filed various "executive orders" and other, unspecified, documents that would circumvent the Constitution and US laws. The judge was quoted as saying, "regardless of whether the Republicans take over the Senate, which I hope they do, he is going to make the United States Congress and he's going to make the Constitution irrelevant. He's got his czars in place that don't answer to anybody."

Having warmed to his topic, Judge Head said that President Obama would "try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public's going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war. ... I'm not talking just talking riots here and there. I'm talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever."
This would all be laughable if it were spouted by some wild-eyed radical declaiming from a soapbox on the street. Unfortunately, this amazing and dangerous balderdash is coming from a person who is a judge ... a person we look to for sober judgment and calm, rational weighing of evidence in a search for truth and justice. There's a reason we speak of someone being sober as a judge.

At a time when dangerous and intolerant speech is the new normal, even from those who want us to elect them to the highest offices of the land, Judge Head's remarks are far beyond the pale. Intemperate comments like these spin up people who react viscerally to wild imagery, without taking the time to think for themselves and carefully weigh the evidence.

The best reaction to Judge Head's outrageous remarks came from Lubbock County Commissioner Gilbert Flores, who told a local television station he was "ashamed" of Head's comments, and told the judge, "I think you better plan to go fishing pretty soon."

I'm afraid, though, that the damage has already been done ... and that the fishing hole to which the judge should retire is neither deep enough, or far enough away, to remove the social, intellectual, and political poison he's dumped into the already-dangerous swamp where rational discourse used to be.

It's things like this that can make me ashamed of what was once the greatest country in the world. It can be again ... but people like Judge Tom Head, whose clue chutes are up, closed, locked, welded shut, and painted over, are working as hard as they can to prevent that from happening.

Welcome to the very highest levels of clueless ass clownery.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... I have a feeling you're going to need it.

Bilbo

* Memorably played by Sigourney Weaver.

Clown Parades

Many years ago, when I was a lowly lieutenant in the Air Force, there was an event at my base that was of sufficient importance that the Wing Commander* decided we should stage a parade. And not only that, but he** decided the parade should be led by a squadron composed of his wing staff officers, selected on a quota basis from the various staff divisions.

This was not an especially good idea, as most of the wing staff officers were older, disgruntled field grade*** officers who hadn't marched in anything but their trip down the matrimonial aisle in a long time. As a lieutenant, being the absolute lowest-ranking officer in my division, there was no doubt that I would march. Most of the other people selected were lieutenant colonels not on flying status, already sour and pissed off because they weren't flying and not the least interested in taking part in parades on the flight line in the broiling sun of a Louisiana summer. I clearly remember standing in the formation at one of our interminable rehearsals listening to a crusty old lieutenant colonel standing behind me muttering, "The only difference between this parade and a Shriners' parade is that in the Shriners' parade, the clowns are all smiling!"

I told you that story as a way of bringing up today's post, which concerns non-smiling clowns.

The clowns to whom I refer would normally have been prime candidates for the Ass Clown of the Month Award, but as I have already bestowed that designation for this month, they'll just have to settle for this minor recognition of their ass-clownery.

I speak, of course, of two of our esteemed elected reprehensives. First is Representative Todd Akin (R, MO), whose comment about "legitimate rape" and the ability of women to self-terminate pregnancies caused by rape were so outrageous that even most Republicans were forced to express some form of outrage ... except for the Missouri Republican Assembly, which stated that "... While Todd may have been indiscreet in his word choice, he was not wrong in his facts."

The second is Representative Kevin Yoder (R, KS), who struck a blow for full disclosure by skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee during a Congressional "fact-finding" trip to Israel last year. But don't worry: According to a statement by a spokesman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, "Twelve months ago, [Cantor] dealt with this immediately and effectively to ensure such activities would not take place in the future." I feel so much better.

Clowns on parade - isn't it grand?

Have a good day. Enjoy the parade. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* For those of you unfamiliar with Air Force positions, the nearest civilian equivalent of a "Wing Commander" would be "God."

** Women hadn't reached those lofty positions yet.

*** Majors and Lieutenant Colonels - generally in their mid-30's to mid-40's.

I Feel Safer Now

From the Department of Really Stupid People comes this news flash, datelined Sparks, Nevada: Nevada Man Shifts in His Theater Seat, Accidentally Shoots Himself.

Yes, Dear Readers, a 56 year-old gentleman* in Sparks, Nevada, concerned about the possibility of being shot at by a fiendish criminal while attending the movies, took his legally-registered handgun, for which he had a concealed-carry permit, put it in his pocket, and headed for the theater. While he was sitting down in his seat, the gun fell out of his pocket and discharged, shooting him in the ... um ... gluteus maximus**. Fortunately, no one else was hurt, and the police have charged him with discharging a firearm in public. Were I the Sparks Chief of Police, I would probably have added reckless endangerment. Sadly, there is no law prohibiting reckless public stupidity.

One of the responding police officers was quoted as saying, "At least he apologized. You have to give him credit for that."

There is nothing more I can add to this story that will make any difference in the ongoing discussion*** of Second Amendment rights and a common-sense approach to public safety.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Old enough to know better, you'd think.

** That would be the "ass," to use the proper medical term.

*** Or lack thereof.

Odds and Ends

Just a few unrelated things to share this morning, as I can't find the mental jumper cables to get my brain started.

1. James Holmes, the 24-year-old former doctoral student who exercised his Second Amendment rights to kill 24 people in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater, has been charged with 24 counts of first-degree murder, 116 counts of attempted murder (two for each of the 58 people wounded in the attack), one count of felony possession of explosive devices and one count related to the use of an assault weapon, a shotgun and a handgun during his murderous spree. The indictment is 40 pages long, and you can read it here. The last sentence, a masterpiece of understatement, points out that the murderous rampage constituted "offenses against the peace and dignity of the people of the state of Colorado." No sh ... uh ... kidding.

2. Hyundai has announced it is recalling some 220,000 of its popular Sonata and Santa Fe models because of problems with their air bags. I have a problem with 535 defective air bags in Congress ... I wonder if there's a way we can get them recalled.

3. As both parties play political chicken with the economy and the lives of Real People, massive cuts to government programs known as sequestration could result in the layoffs of many thousands of government employees and contractors (including yours truly) just in time for the election. Well, that will certainly help the economy recover. Perhaps a better move might be to lay off 535 useless public employees in DC who don't appear to be doing anything to earn their paychecks.

4. The Olympics are underway in London. It is not a good idea for grandparents to play Olympic gymnastics with their four-year-old granddaughters who try to copy what they see on TV and suggest, "Now you do it, Opa!"*

5. Director Peter Jackson has announced that his upcoming film version of J.R.R. Tolkien's classic story The Hobbit will be produced as a trilogy, rather than as two films, as previously announced. The first film will appear on December 14^th of this year, and the second on December 13^th of 2013. There's no word yet on when the third will appear. I can't wait.

That's all.

Have a good day. More ... and more coherent ... thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* It's okay ... I have another knee on the other side.

Unfortunate Fashion Choices

There are a lot of things that puzzle me, other than why Congress is hell-bent on acting like a bunch of clueless ass clowns. One of them is why people make stupid fashion choices, such as ...

1. Pants Halfway (or more) Down One's Backside. If you want to look like a premier dumbass, this is a pretty good choice, particularly if the underwear you are revealing is in less-than-pristine condition.

I've heard that this fashion statement derives from an attempt to look tough - like a convict who is not allowed to wear a belt while in jail. This makes it doubly stupid.

2. Tattoos. A little butterfly or flower tattooed on a girl's ankle might be cute. More than that gets ugly fast. And beyond looking hideous (and worse with age and fading), gang tattoos in particular can have serious consequences, as described in this article - Tattoo Checks Trip Up Visas. Here's a hint: ink belongs on paper ...

3. Piercings. You will encounter enough pain and suffering in your life without deliberately inflicting it on yourself. Not to mention the difficulty you'll have getting past metal detectors without having someone pat down to inspect those nipple rings you thought were such a great idea when you were drunk ...

4. Dreadlocks. They can make being bald look like a pretty good deal ...

5. Showing Off Your Bra. There are a few things the rest of us just don't need to see ...

Avoiding these fashion mistakes will help you look like a Real Person and present a positive image. Here's a hint: if people approaching you on the street cross to the other side, you may want to rethink your fashion choices.

Have a good day. Dress for success. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo