What Women Want

Ever since Og dragged Ogette back to his cave for a saber-toothed tiger dinner by firelight, men have wondered what women really want.

Wonder no more.

Today, as a public service, I share with men everywhere this amazing analysis that arrived this morning by way of my "Daily Joke" e-mail. Not to imply that this is a laughing matter, however - it is a deadly serious issue with implications for a man's life, health, and sanity.

This is what women want in a man:

At age 22: handsome, charming, financially successful, a caring listener, witty, good shape, provides frequent and vigorous sex, dresses with style, appreciates finer things, thoughtful surprises.

At age 32: nice looking, prefer hair, opens car doors, holds chairs, has enough money for a nice dinner, listens more than talks, laughs at her jokes, carries groceries, owns a tie, appreciates home-cooked meals, provides vigorous sex once a week or so, remembers birthdays and anniversaries, seeks romance.

At age 42: not too ugly (bald okay), doesn't drive off until she's in the car, steady job, occasional dinners out, nods head when she speaks, provides acceptable sex twice a month or so, usually remembers punch lines, good enough shape to rearrange furniture, wears shirts that cover his stomach, won't buy screw-top champagne, puts toilet seat down, shaves most weekends.

At age 52: trims nose and ear hair, doesn't belch or scratch (in public), doesn't borrow money, stays awake when she vents, doesn't want sex too often, doesn't retell jokes, can get off the couch on weekends, wears matching socks, usually wears clean underwear, appreciates a good TV dinner, usually remembers her name, shaves some weekends.

At age 62: won't scare small children, remembers where bathroom is, doesn't require much money, snores lightly while asleep, reminisces about good sex, remembers why he's laughing, can stand up by himself, usually wears clothes, likes soft foods, remembers where he put his teeth, remembers it's a weekend.

At age 72: breathing. Cares less about sexual performance than about continence. Hits the toilet.

At age 82: his inheritance.

For the record, as I close in on 57, here's how I think I shape up:
- Trims nose and ear hair: check;
- Doesn't belch or scratch (in public): mostly;
- Doesn't borrow money: check;
- Stays awake when she vents: check;
- Doesn't want sex too often: um...pass;
- Doesn't retell jokes: uh...we'll pass on this one, too;
- Can get off the couch on weekends: check;
- Wears matching socks: my color vision isn't quite right, so...;
- Usually wears clean underwear: check;
- Appreciates a good TV dinner: I hate TV dinners...but I can cook;
- Usually remembers her name: always remembers her name!;
- Shaves some weekends: check.

How do the rest of you shape up?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo