Tuesday, April 28, 2009


No, this isn't a post about that #%@&! adult-proof packaging that things come in nowadays - the sort of packaging you can't open without an axe, a chainsaw, and three pounds of dynamite.

This post is about psychoanalysis. You know, the sort of medicine about which Samuel Goldwyn once supposedly said, "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined!"

There have been a number of different versions of this particular ya-ha, but this is the most complete one I've run across: the answering machine greeting at The Psychiatric Hotline ...

Hello! Welcome to The Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

Don't you feel better now? Don't thank me, it's all part of the service. To feel better tomorrow, type http://bilbosrandomthoughts.blogspot.com and press enter. Then sit back and let Dr Bilbo make it all better.

Or, at least, no worse.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

It's even funnier when someone sends it to you through your phone .

Amanda said...

LOL! I needed that. For some reason, the swine flu news is really getting to me!

anOCgirl said...

bilbo! i keep on pressing this pound button but no one's coming to the phone! :)

fiona said...

LOL literally!
Good one Bilbo, I needed a giggle!

bandit said...

The insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic does not use the phone. He/she just stays up all night wondering whether or not there is really a dog.

Mike said...

When working through my anger managment issues I just punch all the buttons at once with my fist.

Wv: bless - Now if this would have come up on John's blog, that would have been spooky.

Leslie David said...

I've heard a shorter version of this. I worked for Principal Behavioral Health Care before Principal became Coventry, and a big part of the training I did was on teaching the people who took the initial calls how to deal with the customers who might not be wrapped too tight.

GreenCanary said...

I've been to several doctors of the psychoanalysis sort and I have to admit to being disappointed. Not one of them had a chaise lounge to lay on. Not a single one. What a rip-off.

SusieQ said...

You might want to add this one to your list:

If you are an Apocalypse fanatic and believe the end of the world is near, press 666.

Melissa B. said...

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. That's moi in a "nut" shell!

Bilbo said...

Thanks, everyone! And thanks especially, SusieQ - I don't know how I missed that one!