Thursday, February 03, 2011

Universal Translator, Part 2

Yesterday we talked about the concept of a Star Trek-style universal translator, and since such a device doesn't yet exist I offered you some helpful translations of how men and women understand the same words in different ways.

Here's another set of translations to help you out. If you are one of those people who has ever tried to picture a person from their self-generated descriptions in "In Search Of" ads or on dating websites, here's what they're really saying. On the left is what they wrote; on the right is what the reality is. Ladies first...

40-ish

48

Adventurer

Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic

Flat-chested

Average looking

Ugly

Beautiful

Pathological liar

Contagious Smile

Bring your penicillin

Educated

College dropout

Emotionally Secure

Medicated

Feminist

Fat; ball buster

Free spirit

Substance user

Friendship first

Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun

Annoying

Gentle

Comatose

Good Listener

Borderline Autistic

New-Age

All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned

Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded

Desperate

Outgoing

Loud

Passionate

Loud

Poet

Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional

Real Witch

Redhead

Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque

Grossly Fat

Romantic

Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous

Very Fat

Weight proportional to height

Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate

One step away from stalking

Widow

Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart

Toothless crone


And now for the men ...

40-ish

52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic

Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking

Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated

Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit

Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first

As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun

Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking

Arrogant

Honest

Pathological Liar

Huggable

Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle

Insecure, overly dependent

Mature

Until you get to know him

Open-minded

Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit

I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet

Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual

Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable

Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful

Says "Please" when demanding a beer


Any additions? Put them into the comments.

Have a good day. Read between the lines. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

3 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Hilarious!

Mike said...

I'm thoughtful.

Amanda said...

LOL! What a GOOD LAUGH!