Thursday, January 17, 2013

Bilbo's DUMBCON Structure, Updated for a Dumber Time

You will recall, Dear Readers, that we have been at National Stupidity Condition (DUMBCON) 1 - the highest level - for quite some time, as I have seen nothing that would convince me to lower the level.

However, the events of the last few weeks have convinced me that my existing DUMBCON structure, which has served us well since I first introduced it back in 2009, is no longer adequate to present an accurate measure of the level of national stupidity. The events to which I refer include the complete failure of Congress to actually do anything useful. and the rise of a "truther" movement arguing that the December 2012 massacre of schoolchildren at Connecticut's Sandy Hook Elementary School was a hoax perpetrated by a Tyrannical GovernmentTM to allow Jack-Booted Government ThugsTM to confiscate the hundreds of millions of guns already owned by US citizens.

We live, sadly, in a world in which truth no longer has any meaning, and the most utterly ludicrous theories have an Internet and a news outlet* to spread and encourage them. We are surrounded by people so impervious to reason, common sense, compassion, and common humanity that they cannot accept any information that does not confirm their True Beliefs ... their clue chutes are shut, locked, bolted from the inside, welded shut, painted over, and protected by an impenetrable force field of complete and utter righteousness previously found only in the worst of religious bigots.

Therefore, I have decided to revise and update the DUMBCON structure to include a level of stupidity beyond the original top end of DUMBCON 1.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to


Here are the new DUMBCON levels, effective immediately:

DUMBCON 5 (Code Green) - Ordinary, day-to-day level of stupidity. People actually pay attention to clueless twits like "Reverend" Terry Jones, any Middle Eastern "religious leader," Harry Reid, John Boehner, or anyone from the Tea Party; Lindsey Lohan is arrested again for something or other; people continue to listen to rap music and give a rat's ass about anyone named Kardashian. Congress is in session.

DUMBCON 4 (Code Blue) - Things are more stupid than usual. Congressional Republicans and Democrats blame each other for the crisis du jour; Congress continues to spend money on military equipment the services don't want, but which are built in the districts of key lawmakers; Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmedinejad make lengthy speeches blaming the US for everything wrong in the world back to the extinction of the dinosaurs; another al Qaeda offshoot springs up, engages in kidnapping and massacre in the name of religion, and gets 24/7 fawning air time on al-Jazeera television.

DUMBCON 3 (Code Yellow) - Things are getting pretty stupid. Congressional Republicans advocate shutting down the government if they don't get their way; mindless ass clowns continue to insist that President Obama was actually born in a stone cottage in Tierra del Fuego despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary; hard-core conservatives of the Tea Party continue to believe that all will be well if we just get rid of unions, eliminate all spending on social programs, and slash taxes on businesses and the wealthy; and Democrats continue to believe ... well ... whatever it is they believe in (they're still not sure themselves).

DUMBCON 2 (Code Magenta) - start shaking your head - it's getting really stupid out there. People continue to believe Faux News is "fair and balanced;" a lunatic massacres 20 children and six adults at an elementary school, and the NRA says the answer to gun violence is ... more guns!; the EPA once again accepts industry threats about the economic consequences of requiring them to clean up toxic wastes and emissions, and dutifully waters down the latest set of proposed environmental protection standards.

DUMBCON 1 (Code Red) - Stupidity beyond your wildest dreams. Go back to bed and hide under the pillows. Businesses increase prices to cover their "increased costs," but demand their employees accept wage cuts that will prevent them from buying the products they make; Congress postures and bloviates for months without taking useful action, then finally reaches agreement at the last possible second ... but only to delay action until a later time, at which they can bloviate for another few months without taking useful action. Each side declares victory.

And ...

DUMBCON 0 (Code Orange) - A level of stupidity far exceeding your worst nightmares. People wholeheartedly buy into ludicrous conspiracy theories that even the least-educated, religiously hidebound person in the Middle East wouldn't accept; local sheriffs announce that they will decide on their own authority which laws are constitutional and will be enforced; disgraced hero Lance Armstrong singlehandedly destroys cycling as a sport; and people actually believe that a government that can't even pass a budget - or agree on anything at all - will somehow be able to get its act enough together to confiscate weapons from the most heavily-armed population on earth.

We're at DUMBCON ZERO, and I fear we're going to be here for a long, long time.

Have a good day, but keep your head down. More thoughts tomorrow.


* That would be Faux News.


John A Hill said...

I dread the day we make it to DUMBCON MINUS 1

...and fear it will be all too soon!

Amanda said...

I associate count downs with bombs going off. No wonder you said keep you head down.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

As soon as you think that things could not get more stupid, someone will come along and surprise you!

Is stupidity a side effect of psychotropic drugs or too much exposure to "reality teevee"?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Lance Armstrong wiggled around the question of his taking performance-enhancing drugs like a trout on a 20 lb. test line.

Mike said...

John beat me to the minus 1 comment.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

this makes me sad.
I believe you give a lot of credit here - some of your choices I would have put in 1 or 0.

allenwoodhaven said...

Remember: The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Or, as a friend of mine has said: Nothing is idiot proof because they keep making better idiots.

Unfortunately, we need Dumbcom 0.


Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Thee's too much stupidity going around.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

We are the stupidest nation in the world :(

Alice Sycamore said...

Unfortunately Peace begins in the individual, but first the individual must desire to know that peace . Like the lyrics of an old 60's song " teach your children well....." Let's continue to Hope there are more of us than them!

Grand Crapaud said...

Stupidity has ggrown like it was te result of a coherent national policy.

Oh no! Neil Young!!