Sunday, April 14, 2013

Arms You Can Bear. No, Really!

Yes, Dear Readers, I know ... the Second Amendment to the Constitution grants every American the right to own as many weapons of whatever type as he or she wishes. Even the Supreme Court says so. And the National Rifle Association is standing tall in the vanguard of your defense against the Jack-Booted Government ThugsTM who are plotting to take all your guns away from you. Pistols, rifles, assault rifles, they're all okay, because you never know when those black helicopters loaded with UN troops are going to swoop down and try to disarm you so they can take over America.

Take off the tinfoil hat for a minute and listen, I've got some good news for you.

A major issue at the moment concerns whether or not to ban outright or limit ownership of certain types of weapons ... specifically military-style assault rifles with large capacity magazines. If you are really concerned that the Big Bad Government is going to take away your rights (and there are some that are enumerated in the Bill of Rights beyond the Second Amendment), you will no doubt be pleased to know that there are a great many weapons it's still perfectly legal for you to own almost everywhere in this wonderful country. Courtesy of the Fiscal Times, here is a list of ten weapons other than ordinary "guns" that you can legally own:

1. Flamethrowers. Assault rifles are for sissies. If you really want to stop a bad guy with a gun, buy yourself a flamethrower. They are legal under federal law, and in 40 of the 50 states. Your fellow gun enthusiasts will recognize you as no lightweight, but as someone who packs serious heat*.

2. Miniguns. Screw assault rifles - get yourself a minigun (a Gatling-style machine gun which can fire 2,000 to 6,000 rounds per minute, or 166 bullets per second). Because they're actually machine guns, they're technically illegal; however, if your minigun was manufactured and registered before May 19th, 1986, when the federal ban on ownership of machine guns went into effect, you're in luck! Ammo will be expensive, though, with rates of fire like these. Stock up now!

3. Katanas. A katana is a traditional Japanese samurai sword. It has a razor sharp blade two feet or more in length, suitable for cutting off heads of illegal immigrants, drug dealers, and other violent felons with a single blow. But of course, you'd only use it for weed-whacking, right?

4. Cannons. Black powder cannons are legal and do not even need to be registered with the government, although the black powder must be purchased from a licensed explosives dealer. The amount of black powder you can buy at any one time under federal law is limited to 50 pounds, but the locally legal amount varies by state. A nice howitzer wouldn't keep those UN helicopters away, but it would make the UN troops think twice about storming your house**.

5. Crossbows. Crossbows are legal in most states, although some of them require you to have a license. They're not only good to have on hand when the zombie apocalypse comes (crossbows, not states), but they also shoot silently, freeing you of the unnecessary additional expense of a silencer or ear protectors to avoid hearing damage.

6. Grenade Launchers. Good news - grenade launchers are legal in all states, although they must be registered. Bad news - the grenades themselves are illegal. But what the heck - how cool would it be to tell your buddy who only has a measly AR-15 that you're packing a grenade launcher? You might miss that 14-point buck with a semi-automatic assault rifle and 30-round magazine, but a grenade launcher will not only bring him down, but gut him and cut him into stew meat for you.

7. Nunchucks. The nunchuck is a martial arts weapon that consists of two heavy cylinders of hardwood or metal connected by a chain. They are legal under federal law, although they are banned in some states ... generally for safety reasons, because so many dumbass Bruce Lee wannabees crush their own skulls each year flailing them around as if they knew what they were doing.

8. Umbrella Swords. Yes, bumbershoots with embedded swords are legal everywhere except California, Massachusetts, and New York. The blades average about 15 inches in length, and will let you channel Mr Steed with the best of them. You can even get them with extras, like a handle that doubles as brass knuckles. Bonus: you can stay dry during your battles with the Forces of Evil.

9. Spear Guns. Usually used by skin divers to shoot fish, they are legal everywhere in the United States. If those Jack-Booted Government ThugsTM come after you at the beach or in a public pool, you'll be ready for them.

10. Chain Whips. Simple chains, often bicycle chains, are traditional weapons of street gangs. Chain whips are weapons used in some Chinese martial arts styles, and frequently have links that are barbed or sharpened; they are swung so as to wrap the chain around an attacker to pull him off balance or break his hold on his own weapon.

And so, Dear Readers, don't worry about losing your right to bear arms ... there are a lot of arms out there you can still bear, without worrying that the Big Bad Government and its Jack-Booted ThugsTM  will take them away from you. As for me, I'm more partial to bare arms on ladies than to bearing arms, although you have a constitutional right to think otherwise. Just don't expect me to agree that my right to not get shot is less important than your right to own an arsenal.

I'm just sayin' ...

Have a good day and a nice rest of your weekend. More thoughts on Tuesday.


*"For real!", as my granddaughter Leya would say.

** Actually, your house is probably in more danger from real estate developers wielding the right of eminent domain than from UN troops rappelling from black helicopters, but nobody seems too worried about limiting the rights of developers, least of all the Supreme Court. Read about the Supreme Court decision in Kelo v. City of New London. You can read the text of the actual decision here.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

My goodness! More choices...

Icould be a gun nut in a really big way if I had a cannon!

The flame thrower could also double for barbecuing WELL DONE!

I actually knew a guy with a nunchucka.

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Just proves that gun control is long over due.

John Hill said...

And your long time readers know that your real passion is to preserve the right to bare arms (with an appropriate amount of hair)!

Mike said...

I'm going flame thrower shopping tomorrow.

Duckbutt said...

Yellow jacket spray is also legal.