Monday, November 28, 2016

Guest Post

Hi, there.

My name is Lucy. Bilbo and Agnes think of me as their grandcat. I live with their daughter's family and with Clara, the clueless canine that you've met here before.

I've noticed that Clara occasionally sneaks into Bilbo's study and writes stuff on this blog thing of his. She does occasionally have something passably interesting to say, but - being a dog - that's not very often, nor is it very deep. I thought it might be a good idea if you had a more nuanced feline perspective on things to balance out all the simplistic claptrap that Clara grinds out. Let's try it.

First of all, you need to understand that we cats are cool. We don't get all excited about short-term stuff*, we take the long view. I do a little day trading on the home computer while everyone is away at work and school, trying to build a strong portfolio for the future**, and - like all cats - I carefully watch what's going on around me without appearing to do so. This is how I knew that that distasteful Trump person was going to get elected, while Clara and most everybody else thought that the Clinton person would win. I'm sure glad I'm a cat and won't have to live with the ramifications of that, at least as long as taxes on Fancy Feast don't go up to pay for the tax cuts for rich humans***. Good luck with that.

Getting back to basic differences ... Clara races around and makes lots of noise about everything, while I prefer to rely on quiet surveillance and long-term planning. For instance, Clara makes sure everyone for blocks around knows when someone comes within a hundred yards of the house, but what does she ever do about it other than bark and run in circles? Me, I've got a file of detailed plans for ambushing people and animals that look potentially threatening, not to mention a cleverly-concealed observation post under the bushes by the front porch from which I can launch attacks when necessary to defend the homestead.

And although I bring offerings to my humans, I seldom get proper credit for it. You don't see them catching their own mice and leaving them artfully displayed in front of the bedroom door, do you?

In general, we cats tend to stay low-profile and move carefully through the ground clutter on the radar. We do, however, also plan for distractions that will steer humans away from discovering the truth about our evolving long-term plans for world domination ... for instance, the brilliant plan to flood the Internet with cute kitten videos and tens of thousands of Grumpy Cat memes. You'll never know what hit you ... sort of like how you'll feel after a few years of that Trump person as your alpha cat.

Okay, that's enough for now. I'll come back occasionally and offer feline observations on the world. In the meantime, just move on ... there's nothing to see here ...

Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more thoughts. Until then, I really don't care what kind of day you have, because I'm a cat. We're like that.



* Well, other than red dots from laser pointers.

** Catnip futures don't do as well as some other commodities in quarterly trading returns, but from a feline perspective they're a better investment for long-term growth.

** You thought I was going to say "fat cats," didn't you?


eViL pOp TaRt said...

That's a cat - cool attitude all the way! Welcome to Lucy for another angle on things. She's a pretty one. So cats day trade and leave gifts. Is it related to the ups and downs of the market?

Deena said...

Dogs are just not deep thinkers.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Was Grumpy Cat her understudy?