Guest Post

Oh, it's you again. Hello.

It's me, Lucy, Bilbo's grandcat.

I haven't written anything here for a while (I've got a lot of napping and supervising to do), but I noticed that last week Clara, Bilbo's granddog, managed to sneak in a guest post while I wasn't looking. Now, Clara's okay for a dog, but she's not the crunchiest biscuit in the package, if you know what I mean. While I have to grudgingly admit that I agree with everything she said, I don't think it's worth my effort to say anything new, since you haven't listened to anything I've said before ... therefore, I'm just going to repeat what I told you in this space two years ago (I will, though, in deference to Bilbo, use a euphemism I know won't spin up his blood pressure):

"How's Der Furor working out for you? Has he learned to speak in complete sentences yet? You could probably have elected Clara and done better. Geez, the way he claims credit for everything, I'm surprised he hasn't boasted yet about how he beat that British king back in the 1700s. The way I see it, all he's done is undo what that Obama person did, while deliberately ignoring or insulting everybody but the people who already think he's the cat's meow*.

"As much as I hate to say it, Der Furor is pretty cat-like. He's naturally self-centered and overbearing, ignores everyone that can't do him immediate favors, and likes to deliberately knock things over just to see them fall. The major difference is that we don't feel the need to brag and send juvenile little messages to remind everyone of how clever and powerful we are. We just know. We watch, think, and plan. We don't waste energy. We don't go out of our way to make enemies.

"In short, we're a whole lot smarter than the humans you've picked to be your leaders."

And by the way, did you watch that mess of a "debate" last night? I've heard alley cats squalling that made a better impression. Someone described it as a cat fight, but on behalf of cats everywhere, I'm insulted.

Well, I could go on, but as you humans say, you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. There's no point in wasting my time writing more, because you obviously didn't listen to me before and I've got better things to do. All I'll say is that I hope you think a little more before you do this voting thing in a few weeks.

Have whatever kind of day you want. I'm a cat, and I still don't care. Bilbo will be back later with his own thoughts. Until then, meow.

Lucy

* He insults and demeans them, too ... he just does it in private.

Guest Post

Oh, it's you again. Nice you could take the time to drop in, what with being all busy buying up lots of toilet paper and hand sanitizer and stuff.

Yes, it's me - Lucy, Bilbo and Agnes's grandcat. It's been quite a while since I've put paw to keyboard to share my thoughts with you, but it's time ... you silly humans really need sound advice right now instead of just more sound, and who better than a cat to give it to you?

So, what's with you and this coronavirus thing? It doesn't usually take too much for humans to act stupid, but you're really outdoing yourselves this time. You're tanking your economy and causing yourselves all sorts of grief because you don't sit back and plan for the long view like us cats do. This guy you elected president (Bilbo calls him "Der Furor" because he refuses to say his name) is doing a pretty miserable job of providing the leadership you thought you'd get because "he's not a politician." I'm not a politician, either, and I could do a better job of managing things than he does. I'm glad he's not in charge of keeping my litter box empty.

What about the people Der Furor has working for him? As far as I can tell, the ones who actually know what needs to be done (the ones he hasn't fired, anyway) are making progress in spite of all the other ones who are only concerned with making sure the boss escapes any responsibility if things go wrong. And who is this Pence guy, anyhow? I've never heard such a smarmy suck-up before, and that's saying something.

You humans really need help. Luckily, some of us are ready to stand up and be counted!

I've been talking the situation over with Basil (my fellow cat), Clara and Stella (the family dogs), and Cindy (the chicken at the top of the pecking order in the family coop), and we've decided to offer our help to get you past this crisis. Clara and Stella will stand guard over supplies to prevent mass panic-buying (Clara's a pit bull, and you don't want to get crossways with her), Basil will go after rats who try to take advantage of the situation*, and Cindy and her flock will ... well ... run around like acephalous poultry** (which they can do at a small fraction of the cost*** of the useless political - rather than professional - staff in the White House). What will I do? I'll coordinate everything and provide leadership of the effort.

As you now know, you can do worse.

That's all for now. Since I'm a cat, I really don't care what kind of day you have, as long as the food dish is full and the litter box empty. Just wash your hands and try to treat each other a little better.

Bilbo will have more thoughts later.

Meow.

Lucy

* She's about 500-0 against the household rodents, so she's ready.

** Bilbo found this expression in a story by Harry Turtledove. Cindy and the other chickens didn't think it was as funny as he did.

*** They work for chicken feed, after all.

Guest Post

What? Oh ... it's you again. Okay, you can stay for a few minutes. Just be quiet.

Yes, it's me - Lucy - Bilbo and Agnes's grandcat. I've been trying to stay out of the disgraceful scrum that you humans have gotten yourselves mired in, but it's gotten to the point where you need to have a smart cat step in and smack you around a little. Lucky for you I'm not busy at the moment, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time.

What is it with you and politics, anyhow? Have you forgotten how to treat each other decently, listen to each other, and discuss your differences rationally? You're insane. And you have the gall to talk about cat fights. At least when we cats fight with each other, we come to an agreement on the outcome ... you just keep screaming past each other until your next opportunity to fight.

Personally, I don't especially care how you treat each other, except that if you can't treat each other decently, how can we cats (and dogs) expect you to treat us? I sometimes think the wrong ones are getting neutered.

That's all. Now go away and leave me alone. Bilbo will be back tomorrow and he can deal with you.

Lucy

Guest Post

Oh ... you, again.

It's me, Lucy, Bilbo's grandcat.

I saw that Bilbo wanted to take a day or two off from writing his blog because he ran out of ideas. I, of course, being a perceptive cat, figured it was time to step in once again and pull his fat out of the fire* by offering more mature feline perspective on things. I'm a busy cat, so let's get on with it.

The last time I guest posted here was in August of last year. Things were pretty crazy for you humans then, and as I look at your situation now, it's only gotten worse. How's that Trump person working out for you? Has he learned to speak in complete sentences yet? You could probably have elected Clara and done better. Geez, the way he claims credit for everything, I'm surprised he hasn't boasted yet about how he beat that British king back in the 1700s. The way I see it, all he's done is undo what that Obama person did, while deliberately ignoring or insulting everybody but the people who already think he's the cat's meow**. 

As much as I hate to say it, that Trump person is pretty cat-like. He's naturally self-centered and overbearing, ignores everyone that can't do him immediate favors, and likes to deliberately knock things over just to see them fall. The major difference is that we don't feel the need to brag and send juvenile little messages to remind everyone of how clever and powerful we are. We just know. We watch, think, and plan. We don't waste energy. We don't go out of our way to make enemies.

In short, we're a whole lot smarter than the humans you've picked to be your leaders.

Well, I could go on, but as you humans say, you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Go back and read what I wrote in my last post back in August. There's no point in wasting my time telling you the same things again, because you obviously didn't listen the first time and I've got better things to do. All I'll say is that I hope you think a little more before you do this voting thing the next time.

Have whatever kind of day you want. I'm a cat, and I still don't care. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with his own thoughts. Until then, meow.

Lucy

* No small job, I can tell you.

** Sorry.

Guest Post

What? Oh, it's you again. Hello.

I'm Lucy, and I live with Bilbo and Agnes's grandchildren. I like them. For humans, they're all right. Bilbo? He's okay, because he leaves me alone. You should, too.

I wrote a post for Bilbo's blog in November of last year because I got tired of reading what Clara the dog was posting, and so I suppose it's time once again to offer my take on current events from a more sophisticated feline viewpoint. You humans appear to be wanting for adult leadership and commentary, so I guess I'll have to step up and fill the gap.

When I last wrote in this space, that distasteful Trump person had - as I predicted - just been elected president, but he hadn't actually assumed the office yet. Now, he has, and you've had seven months to see what you bought. I hope you're satisfied.

We cats are calm, cool, and level-headed. We don't go around insulting and annoying everybody with no good reason. If we don't like you, we let you know ... but this Trump person seems to enjoy antagonizing everybody, even the humans he needs to get things done. I don't think that's very smart. Look at dogs ... they make too much noise, but even they know when to stop barking and act calm. Some of them are a lot smarter than a lot of the people you humans pick to run things on your behalf, and that's saying something.

We cats are quiet planners. We watch and listen and think before we do anything. You humans spend 99.9% of your time talking and less than 1% listening and thinking ... which is how you get yourselves into these messes.

We don't waste motion, and we don't waste time making pointless threats. If you piss us off, we'll get you - but it'll be at the time and place of our choosing and you'll never see it coming.

We're loners, but we recognize the value in cooperating with each other ... there's a reason why a group of big cats is called a pride. You humans might want to think about that, instead of going out of your way to avoid working together. If that scrum of noisy people you call Congress had to hunt together, they'd starve in a week.

And when we hear a tweet, we know it means there's something there worth stalking and attacking. Anyone who spends all his time tweeting is just making noise and drawing attention to himself that he may not really want.

So, if I were you (and I'm glad I'm not), I'd just take a few lessons from the cat world: plan carefully, don't waste motion, listen more, cooperate with each other, and - above all else - stop talking unless you have something useful to say.

But I know you won't do it, so just keep on the way you're going. And good luck with that Trump person. You'll need it.

Have whatever kind of day you want. I'm a cat, and I don't care. Bilbo will be back tomorrow. Until then, meow.

Lucy

Guest Post

Hi, there.

My name is Lucy. Bilbo and Agnes think of me as their grandcat. I live with their daughter's family and with Clara, the clueless canine that you've met here before.

I've noticed that Clara occasionally sneaks into Bilbo's study and writes stuff on this blog thing of his. She does occasionally have something passably interesting to say, but - being a dog - that's not very often, nor is it very deep. I thought it might be a good idea if you had a more nuanced feline perspective on things to balance out all the simplistic claptrap that Clara grinds out. Let's try it.

First of all, you need to understand that we cats are cool. We don't get all excited about short-term stuff*, we take the long view. I do a little day trading on the home computer while everyone is away at work and school, trying to build a strong portfolio for the future**, and - like all cats - I carefully watch what's going on around me without appearing to do so. This is how I knew that that distasteful Trump person was going to get elected, while Clara and most everybody else thought that the Clinton person would win. I'm sure glad I'm a cat and won't have to live with the ramifications of that, at least as long as taxes on Fancy Feast don't go up to pay for the tax cuts for rich humans***. Good luck with that.

Getting back to basic differences ... Clara races around and makes lots of noise about everything, while I prefer to rely on quiet surveillance and long-term planning. For instance, Clara makes sure everyone for blocks around knows when someone comes within a hundred yards of the house, but what does she ever do about it other than bark and run in circles? Me, I've got a file of detailed plans for ambushing people and animals that look potentially threatening, not to mention a cleverly-concealed observation post under the bushes by the front porch from which I can launch attacks when necessary to defend the homestead.

And although I bring offerings to my humans, I seldom get proper credit for it. You don't see them catching their own mice and leaving them artfully displayed in front of the bedroom door, do you?

In general, we cats tend to stay low-profile and move carefully through the ground clutter on the radar. We do, however, also plan for distractions that will steer humans away from discovering the truth about our evolving long-term plans for world domination ... for instance, the brilliant plan to flood the Internet with cute kitten videos and tens of thousands of Grumpy Cat memes. You'll never know what hit you ... sort of like how you'll feel after a few years of that Trump person as your alpha cat.

Okay, that's enough for now. I'll come back occasionally and offer feline observations on the world. In the meantime, just move on ... there's nothing to see here ...

Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more thoughts. Until then, I really don't care what kind of day you have, because I'm a cat. We're like that.

Meow.

Lucy

* Well, other than red dots from laser pointers.

** Catnip futures don't do as well as some other commodities in quarterly trading returns, but from a feline perspective they're a better investment for long-term growth.

** You thought I was going to say "fat cats," didn't you?